Sunday, December 16, 2007

Moving Home

I absolutely hate moving around and it drives me insane when other people do it, but for reasons explained on my new blog, it's time to leave blogger behind. I have to say we have had a fabulous relationship, she has always been good to me but there's one vital thing I am missing, and that is more privacy. My new blogging partner can satisfy this need, even if I am still struggling to get to know her and she doesn't look as easy to handle as blogger. But needs must, so that is that. My dear and faithful readers, will you please update your blog rolls, tell your friends, spread the word in whatever way you can and follow me
Hope to see you there. xx

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Office Xmas Party

Ug! I feel like death! It was the xmas party of the company I used to work for last night and I got an invite so went along. I have to say I haven't been that wasted in a while but I was one of about 400 people who were all hammered so at least I wasn't the only one. The party was held at a beautiful stately home type place that has been converted for public use in Belgravia and the theme was Las Vegas. I wore a black dress which was long and low cut with kitten heels, my hair down and my set of rose quartz jewelery. I think I've lost some weight recently and felt really good last night and I was really excited about seeing all my coleagues again because they are lovely people. I don't think I did anything too embarrassing, I didn't grope the boss or end up shagging some one I worked with or anything like that, but I did fall over quite spectacularly on the dance floor. I was dancing with one of the gay guys who happened to be wearing a kilt and I guess I must have tried to wrap my legs around his waste or something, because one minute we were dancing, the next minute I was flat on my back on the floor with him on top of me, his kilt up around his arse and people lifting him off me and helping me up. It was actually quite hilarious, he was obviously too pissed to hold my weight so we'd just hit the floor instead. I'm amazed my back is ok today though.

H and S were also there, the married lesbian couple I made friends with through work and they were trying to set me up with some random gay girl who apparently works there but who I' had never seen before. I don't think she was particularly interested though because after dancing together for a while she wondered off and later I saw her in the loos having a rather passionate snog with some other woman, which was fine with me because I just wanted to dance and wasn't interested in getting laid. At the end of the night we were all trying to get cabs and they were few and far between, so I ended up sitting on the pavement, it seemed like a good idea at the time, and then when the cab droppped Caroline and me off near my house she tripped over and went sprawling and I went down with her, ending up on my back for the second time that night. I vaguely remember making us cups of tea when we got in and somehow managed to take the dog out for a wee and then we must have just collapsed in to bed because the next thing I remember is waking up at around six this morning in my underwear dying of thurst with Caroline flat out beside me.

Apart from the fact that I'm paying for getting totally wasted today it was a fantastic night. It was a free bar so I hardly spent any money, I got to catch up with everyone again, I danced my arse off and had a really good giggle and then spent this morning drinking tea, eating toast and reliving the night's events with Caroline. I'm supposed to be meeting Naughty Angel tonight and possibly some other people for a night out, I think I might suggest going for a civilised meal or something because I don't think I could drink again. Spanish Girl has been making noises about wanting to come over tomorrow so maybe I'll see her once more before christmas and that'll be it. She's going back to Spain in the new year for a while so it'll probably fizzle out naturally then anyway. I'm off to have a nice long bath with a bath bomb from Lush and try and get back to feeling human again.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

New toys for Christmas

I just got an email from the sex toy site that I’m going to be reviewing for, saying that my first toy has been shipped today. How exciting! It’s all thanks to
this blogger
that I found out about this in the first place and hopefully I’ll write a good enough review to carry on working with them. The toy I’m getting first of all is a G spot vibe, fine with me. I’ll post the link to the review as soon as it’s live on the site, but it won’t be for a while yet as the toy is coming from the US and with the Christmas rush of posting things it will probably take a couple of weeks to get here.

In other news, the rest of my mother’s stay went smoothly, mainly because I managed to make myself come in the middle of the night, very quietly and felt much better the next day. I’ve also been having absolutely incredible sex which I’m not going to write about too much and if I do it will be fairly anonymously because I want to keep this one for myself and savour the moment without writing about it. I also want to move my blog over to wordpress, but I’m hesitant because I’ve posted this blog address in so many places, and there’s so much stuff on blogger that I think moving home would be a nightmare. But I do like the idea of being able to password protect some posts so that only certain people have access to them. We’ll see, maybe in the new year. I can’t believe how close Christmas is, I go up north a week on Sunday and I found out yesterday that there are no trains coming in to Euston all over Christmas so getting back to London is going to be a god awful nightmare, fucking national rail. Isn’t it obvious that people are going to be travelling to see family etc over Christmas? Right, time to do something other than watch porn.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Infuriating Mothers and pent up sexual energy

The two together are making me one cranky mother fucker today. I've been dying dying dying to wank ever since yesterday and not being able to is driving me insane. To put it plainly, I need to come and I haven't had a minute to myself in which to do so. Last night I spent over an hour awake in the middle of the night, pent up sexual energy driving me insane and thoughts of filth preventing me from getting back to sleep. However as my mother was in my spare bed near by I obviously couldn't do much about it and today she has driven me insane. We went christmas shopping which was good in itself, but what drives me mad is that she lacks common sense and you have to explain the simplest things to her a million times before she understands them. I tried to tell her to get an Oister card today and we had the following conversation.
Me: "You have to touch in an out at each tube station."
Mum: "Why do I have to touch in, they hardly notice if you do or don't."
Me: "Because if they then make you touch out at your destination you'll get charged the maximum fair."
"Why? How will it know I've been anywhere at all, I could just be coming in to the station for all it knows."
Me: "Because you're touching out, not in and because it doesn't know where you've come from it'll charge you the maximum fair."
Thinking this was all explained and good we bought the Oister card, only to have her not touch in and then have the same argument with me over again until I got so het up that I just said, "for fuck's sake mother! Just swipe the bloody card, it's simple enough, otherwise it'll use up all the money you've just put on there." My mum being a tight arsed northerner didn't argue with this conclusion, I think she would have died if it swiped the tenner she'd just put on the card. We had similar arguments over different things throughout the day but I can't really remember what they were about to tell you now. One other was about tube lines, she didn't seem to understand why we had to change tubes and that it's not just all one big line of tube stops. She's been coming to London long enough to know by now surely. So we arrived home after five hours shopping and I just wanted to quietly check my emails and have a cup of tea and she's there going, "feed the dog, the dog needs feeding, put the TV on, what are we having to eat, feed the dog, put the TV on." Aaaaaaahhh!
Although I do love her obviously, I'll be so glad when she goes for a hopefully long shower later and I can have some time to myself. She's leaving tomorrow afternoon and I get the feeling tomorrow will be just as stressful, especially if I don't manage to make myself come in the short space of time I'll have later. Oh and another thing, she's also discovered the wonders of facebook and I had to spend the entirety of yesterday evening showing her how to use it and setting up her profile so that she could, wait for it, go and look for good looking men. She's worse than me I sware!
Ok, enough ranting, I'd better post this before she comes back from smoking her cigarette and talking on my phone in the kitchen. Give me strength!
PS: she is now going through my dvd's trying to find something to watch and she just said, "what is Closer about?" "You've seen it mum," I said. She stared at the DVD and said, "I can't remember it." "Well you have," I said. You can garantee she'll insist on putting it on and ten minutes in she'll say, "Oh yeah I have seen this haven't I."
Oh, and one last thing that has infuriated me today? My phone keeps beaping like I have a text message, and when I check it, there's nothing there. So either my phone is fucked, or I have a serious case of hearing things.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Thoughts of you

You. I've been thinking about you all day. This morning I lay in bed for an eternity replaying the scenes we created back in my head. For the rest of the day I've been half distracted, always somewhere else, wondering how you are and what you are doing, whether you are thinking about it too. Whether it was as amazing for you as it was for me. I find it strange having you in my head, thoughts of your voice, your kiss, the way you touched me, filled me, claimed me for those hours we got lost in each other. My pleasure, exquissit. The way your skin felt, incredible. And your tenderness made me want you all the more. I didn't expect to feel like this, to want to see you again, but I do. However if, and until then, kindly remove yourself from my thoughts so that I can stop walking around in a daze!

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Je vais a Paris!

I have spendtmost of the afternoon on the phone to friends in Sheffield, my friend Simon in Paris, and Eurostar, trying to get a trip to go and see him sorted out. I mentioned that I wanted to go a while back but that the tickets were too expensive, but we've managed to get really cheap ones going in January. So three of us, Frankie, Helen and I are all going to Paris for the weekend to visit Simon and I booked the tickets a few minutes ago. I'm very excited, I haven't been there since I was a child and it'll be lovely to have a sort of girlie weekend away with friends to blast away any new year blues.

In other news this week my sex drive seems to have gone through the roof. How high can it get you might be thinking, but remember when I had that week of not masturbating at all? Well I've definitely been making up for it this week, my BOF's haven't had so much atention in a while. On a mental score I'm feeling really great at the moment as well, and although I do hope DL is doing ok I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am no longer being made to feel guilty for living my life without her.

Yesterday I was in the office all day doing my charity stuff and then Baby G and CC came over for dinner in the evening. Today I haven't done much at all and I'm having a night in front of the TV tonight saving my pennies and avoiding the rain that has been pouring continuously for what feels like weeks now. Tomorrow Mr C is coming over for another jamming session and that reminds me I need to learn a song in preparation so I'll be doing that tonight as well. On Monday my mother is visiting for a few days and then I have two christmas parties to go to at the end of the week. I can't believe it's nearly christmas, time to definitely do some shopping and I need to book my train tickets to go and see my parents as well. I plan to leave London on the 23rd and return on the 28th in time for new year celebrations. Right now though my dinner is cooking, it's nice and warm and I'm going to curl up with a book in a bit and have an evening to myself.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Playing Roles

I am in the kitchen preparing dinner when the doorbell rings. I replace the pot on the hob, turn down the heat and glide through to the hallway in my high heeled open towed shoes. My hand on the door knob I pause for a second, heart pounding, savouring those last moments of anticipation before I see you, then slowly I unlock and open the door. For a minute we stand face to face,. You look at me, deep in to my eyes, your brown penetrating my blue. Then you raise one hand and with the palm you gently push me backwards until my back meets the cold wall that divides the hallway from the lounge.

Your hand is warm, it is on the exposed skin that my low cut dress doesn’t cover, and when my back is flat to the wall you dig your short nails in to my flesh ever so slightly, but enough so that my skin prickles and I shudder with pleasure. Then your arms are on either side of me, your hands on the wall, your body pressed close to mine, our breasts touching. “Something smells good,” you say, burying your face in my hair, and from that action I know you aren’t just talking about what is cooking in the kitchen. “Good enough to eat?” I murmur. “Maybe,” you say, teasingly. Then you are gripping the hair at the back of my head, pulling it tight, revealing the soft skin of my neck that you now start to bite and tongue vigorously, aggressively, hungrily. “I’ve been thinking about fucking you all day,” you growl between flicks of your tongue and teeth. “Wanting to feel your hot wet cunt, taste it, touch it, fill you until you beg for mercy.” My breath is coming in short sharp gasps now, your words turning me on almost as much as your touch. “You’ve been thinking about it too, haven’t you?” You say, almost accusingly. “Haven’t you, the dirty little slut that you are. Haven’t you!” You’re yanking on my hair now, the other hand sliding down my back to cup my round ass, pressing me forward in to your body. It is then that I feel it, what I know you’ve been saving for me, what you want me to feel and grow excited for. “Yes,” I gasp now in response to your question.
“What exactly have you been thinking about, you dirty bitch?” Instinctively I know what you want me to say, I can tell by the way you are pressing it between my legs, pushing my thighs apart, hands reaching under my dress to lift it slightly. “Your cock,” I whisper, “I’ve been thinking about your cock all day long. I want it, big and hard and deep inside me.” I am reaching down to the zip in your jeans, pulling at it, tearing at the fabric with my nails, but you grab my hands and raise them up expertly pinning them together with one of yours at the back of my head. “Not yet,” you say, “don’t be greedy now.” You rub up against me now, grinding the bulge in your pants against my pussy. I feel the liquid start to flow from me and I think I will start to squirt even from this slight pressure because the anticipation of what we are going to do is driving me crazy. Tenderly now you touch my face with your free hand, stroke my cheek, brush my lips with your fingertips, then let your hand slide down my collar bone to my breasts where you start squeezing my hard nipples through the material of my dress. Then we are kissing, deep, passionate, intense kisses that send my head spinning. Your tongue is in my mouth, it tastes of mint and I suck it eagerly, giving you a hint of what I will do to your aching cock when you let me.

We are walking through to the bedroom now, you have released my hands and they are around you, pulling you with me as we move towards the bed and when I feel its cold metal against the back of my thighs you spin me around so that you are closest to the bed, and then you sit. “Straddle me baby,” you command, grabbing my ass and pulling me on to your lap. I kick off my shoes and part my knees so that they are on either side of you and my dress rides up around my waste. I am wearing thin silk panties, my clit is swollen making a little bud in the material which is already soaked with my juices. When I am in position you pull me down and rub your cock against the spot where you know my clit is, and the only thing that separates the two is the material of my pants and your jeans. Now I am grinding hard, my head back, my cunt beginning to ache uncontrollably, letting me know that the only thing that will satisfy her is to be full of you. You like this extended foreplay, your eyes are burning in to me and as you slide a hand between my legs I can tell you already know what you will find. Roughly now you pull my panties to one side and lubricate your fingers with my overflowing juices. I am thrusting forward now, whimpering, aching to have you inside me, but you continue to tease me by circling and stroking my clit until the motion almost tips me over the edge. Then when you know I am on the verge of coming you thrust two fingers once, hard, in to my open pussy and as quickly as they enter me, you are gone again, raising your hand to lick your fingers and moan your appreciation. “you know what I want you to do, don’t you, slut?” You say thickly in to my ear, biting on my earlobe and trailing your tongue down my neck, giving me shivers. “Yes,” I whisper, and now I am sliding off your lap to kneel in front of you and you are unzipping your jeans, letting them slide to the floor where you kick them off. Slowly now I stroke you through your pants, they are boy shorts today although I know you will be wearing a sheer lace bra under your top because you know I like the combination. You are breathing hard in anticipation as I work my hands under the band of your pants, pulling them down and letting your cock spring free. This one is one of my favourites, a black leather harness with a purple dildo sitting snugly, warm with your body heat. I bend my head and lick the tip of it, and you shudder as though the sensation has travelled down the shaft all the way to your aching clit. I open my mouth and take you in, using my hands to stroke around the base while I work on the head with my flicking tongue. Your hands are in my hair and you are murmuring, “oh yeah that’s it baby, suck it for me, suck my cock like the expert whore you are. My come hungry slut, I want to come in your mouth, oh fuck yeah make me come in your sweet little mouth.” I begin to move faster now, my head bobbing up and down, hands working, lips clamped around the shaft and you are thrusting forward, making me take you deeper until I have to relax my muscles in order that I don’t gag. When you are worked up in to a frenzy you begin pulling at my hair, lifting me up, pulling my mouth away from your cock so that you can again slide your tongue in to my mouth and kiss me hard. “Get on all fours,” you tell me and you get off the bed while I crawl on to it, dress around my hips now, ass exposed which you start to squeeze and slap, impatient for me to get in to position. When I am face down, my head lowered, ass in the air you pull down my panties and place a knee between my legs, pushing them wide apart so that you can kneel behind me on the bed. Now you lower your face to my ass and begin kissing my soft smooth skin, making circles with your tongue that get wider and wider until you reach my ass whole and begin to lap at it gently. “Oh Jesus,” I moan in to the pillow, gripping the sheets hard with both hands, trying not to rock back on to your tongue. The circles change to long strokes, and you are moving from my ass to my soaking wet pussy, lapping from clit to ass and then back again, sometimes pausing to stick the tip of your tongue in to my aching cunt. By now I am moaning loudly and moving my hips back and forth, almost at the point of no return, being driven insane by that expert tongue of yours. “Fuck me,” I beg you now, “oh God please fuck me. Put your cock inside me, I need to feel it, please you’re making me crazy, please fuck me, please!” My words are tumbling over each other, my voice rising, the desire building in my throat to an almost animalistic wale. You raise your head, your long hair brushing against the skin of my ass, sending goose bumps across my flesh. I feel you lean over me to retrieve a condom from the bed side draw and hear the tearing of the wrapper as you place it over the dildo. Then you are shuffling forward on your knees behind me, making sure you get the angle that will hit my G spot rather than become painful and oh how you know that angle. I brace myself now, the dildo you have chosen is not a small one and we only usually use it when I am ridiculously excited, which on this occasion I am. I feel you rub the head up and down the length of my pussy, lubricating it with my juices as you did your fingers earlier. Then you are pushing against me and I am crying out and you are inside me, moving slowly at first until we find each other’s rhythm, then faster and harder until you are slapping against my thighs and you are filling me, again and again and I am bucking back on to you, gripping the head of the bed to push myself harder and harder against you. The sounds that come from my mouth are not my own, they don’t sound like my voice, they are loud and high and I am speaking words, “oh yes baby fuck me baby oh god fuck me harder harder that is so fucking good fuck fuck fuck fuck oh god I’m gonna come come inside me baby come on come in my pussy fucking come inside me yeah that’s it just like that oh God I love your cock I fucking love your cock your big hard cock so fucking good.” The words turn in to one long extended vowel and the vowel becomes a scream and the scream seems to start from deep inside me where your cock is pounding against my spot and your fingers have reached around to rub on my clit and it is ripping through me, up through my entire body the scream and the sensation and the point of no return, the cliff that I will jump from is right there and my tows grip the edge and then I am flying, flying high and the scream is a bird and the bird is me and I am sawing through the air and it is a long time before I come crashing back down to earth, a trembling crying shaking woman once again made incoherent by the way that we make love.

Later, in your arms, I am still shaking. You are soft now, soft and tender and we are kissing slowly, murmuring sweet words to one another, hands stroking skin, trailing through hair, our naked bodies pressed close. It is only when I start to smell something burning that I remember I had been preparing dinner when you arrived. Quickly I slip out of bed and pad through to the kitchen, where I turn off the heat and leave the food to go cold, knowing that we will warm it up much later. Sliding back beneath the sheets I feel the heat from between your legs and reaching down, my fingers meet smooth skin, then wetness and as I start to fuck you you open your legs wide and whisper my name. “My beautiful woman,” I say, and as you submit to me and I begin to work my magic on your sweet pussy, the harness and cock discarded on the floor, I marvel at the beauty of it and the knowledge that for tonight at least you are mine.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

My Other Addiction

My other addiction aside from sex as you probably know by now is books. I've just joined an audiobook site which I will link on here in the places I like section and it's given me access to a massive quantity of books I have been wanting to read for years. So, consequently in my excitement I have started to read several at once but can't settle on one in particular, rather like a kid who is taken to a sweet shop full of their favourite sweets and told it can eat whatever it wants. So I need to disciplin myself and prioritise my reading material. At the top of my list are authors Toni Morrison, Maya Angelou, Alice Walker, Jeanette Winterson and some of Val McDermid's books that I've not read yet. Each Author has written quite extensively, so as you can imagine, even if I choose one author to start with, what book do I choose? God! People who may be reading for the first time or aren't in the know about audio books might be wondering what all the fuss is about. But for a lover of literature such as myself, not being able to walk in to a bookshop and pick up a paper back novel, buy it and read it because of my lack of vission is incredibly frustrating. Although the audio book market is getting much better these days it is still not perfect and it is very rare that the audio version of a book is released at the same time as the print version, and when it is released it is often abridged, and if it is released in its full version it's usually much more expensive than the print format. Through studying literature at university, joining certain underground sites on the internet and through recently joining the variety of books I have been able to read has gradually grown, but when I joined the RNIB's book stream book club last week, it exploded! The downside of this site is that you have to stream the books, so you can't download them, or put them on your Ipod, I guess due to copyright laws as you pay an anual subscription rather than buying books individually. But still it is fantastic. Now though like I said I just don't know where to start.

I wanted to share this with you because it's something I'm very excited about and it doesn't relate to sex, unless that is I can find some lesbian erotica, then I'll be well away. My two passions intertwined. Listening to an erotic audio book while playing with my toys. Mmm. Speaking of which I had a really good orgasm last night, and yes I was by myself. This morning when the cable people came to again try and fix my service I had to run and hide the toy box in the wardrobe because it seems to be overflowing at the moment. Time for a new, bigger box I think. A nice christmas present would be a lovely metal box with a lock and velvet lining in which I could store my prised possessions. Can't really suggest that to family though can you? Heehee.
Ok I'm going to finish up now because yet again I've started writing about sex and I seriously didn't intend for this post to be about that. Other than books and sex, I went to the dentist this morning and apart from a small filling which left the right side of my face numb for a couple of hours my teeth are in great condition. I'm supposed to eat on the other side of my mouth for the rest of today though, which will be fun considering I'm going out to dinner tonight with friends.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Spirit of Christmas

Firstly, I want to thank you for the comments, emails and phone calls I have received. I'm not going to get all soppy and emotional but I am very much aware of how lucky I am to be surrounded by such an amazing network of friends, and family too although hopefully my family aren't reading this. DL called me yesterday and I was silly enough to pick up the phone. She was hysterical and I ended the call very quickly and she hasn't tried to contact me since. I'm hoping in the nicest possible way that she'll go away quietly and deal with her feelings with her family for support and not behave irrationally towards me, something which I am slightly concerned about at the moment and I know others are too. But I'm doing ok, I spent today with Baby G at her house having a much needed catch up session and some relaxation time and I had a good long chat with my parents on the phone tonight and I'm actually quite looking forward to christmas now. I'm going back up north to see my family and I think I'll be spending christmas day with my mum, ex step mum (they are very good friends, don't ask, it's complicated) and my step sister which will be great. She's 12 now and I don't get to see her much because I live down here and obviously she's in school and is too young to come and visit on her own so it would be good to spend some time with her and find out about her latest crush, the bands she's in to who I've never heard of and how school is going. The last time I saw her she said to me,
"Amy and I aren't really friends anymore," Amy being her best friend.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well we hang around in different crowds at school now, and well, I'm sort of gangster and she's not."
"Gangster!" I said, "What do you mean gangster?"
"You know!" She said looking exasperated and proceeded to try and tell me what "gangster" was and I was still none the wiser by the time she'd finished. The time before that when I saw her she described herself as, "Emo." I wonder what she'll be this time round?

So anyway on the christmas note I've told myself to stop being a miserable cow and to actually start getting in to the christmas spirit. I'm going to start my shopping and new year's eve should be really great because some friends down here want to get together, Sean is definitely coming to join us and Kim might also be coming down from Sheffield so the whole lot of us getting together will be fantastic whatever we decide to do on the night.

Last night I went to see Jill Scott in concert with Baby G and Rosey and she was absolutely fantastic. We all got the impression she's having a really hard time at the moment, she mentioned her divorce and she seemed really low in spirits, plus she mentioned repeatedly that she's not getting laid at the moment, I offered to give her a helping hand on that one but I was right at the back so I don't think she heard me. I'm also absolutely loving Alicia Keys' new album. I have to say it took me a while to get in to, but I think it's her best one so far.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, my first in about four years in the morning and then in the evening the usual group of friends are going out for a meal to welcome Baby G's boyfriend, Will, back from the states where he has been for the past four months. I think it's about time I put the kettle on and climb in to my lovely bed to fall asleep listening to an audio book. Not quite sure what yet though, I've been reading Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson and Wire in the Blood by Val McDermid, two of my favourite authors, but I think I want something lighthearted tonight, so I'll go on the hunt for some trashy fiction, Jackie Collins or something like that.
Night night, and sorry for the randomness.
Oh, I should also add that all the stress of the past couple of days is making me really horny. I need to get Spanish Girl back over here to hit that spot she so expertly found on Saturday night. She wanted to meet up tomorrow but I couldn't and when I texted her saying so I didn't get a response. I get the feeling she's a woman who likes getting her own way and she doesn't like not being in control of a situation, but I've had quite enough of that for the time being so she'll either have to like it, or lump it.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Time to say goodbye

This morning I sent two emails. One to DL, the other to her mother. I can't do it anymore, be friends with her that is. I've tried, God knows I've tried over this past year to make the friendship work, but I can't do it anymore. I've been continually threatened with DL taking her own life, she's had illnesses that I'm not sure are true or whether she just says things to get my atention, such as she having a lump in her breast in January that she wouldn't let me see and that mysteriously vanished, and a pain in her liver that she says is a result of taking a handfull of paracetamil a while back. This mornigng after a horrible argument we had last night she texted me saying that she couldn't feel her arms and legs propperly when she woke up and is going to the doctors and that she's scared, but to be honest I don't really believe her.

I don't want to go in to how she has been over the past few months, but unless I was doing everything she wished, spending lots of time with her, basically being emotionally controled because of her continuous threat of suicide, she's not been happy. The moment I distance myself, or appear to be getting on fine without her she turns in to this person, who to be quite honest I don't know anymore and don't really want to know. She's put up half naked photos of me on facebook that I have had to remove due to people pointing them out, she obsesses over who I'm seeing and talks about doing horrible things to the women in my life, she practically ruined my graduation day because she caused a scene in front of my whole family, and yesterday she tried to destroy the plant Spanish Girl gave me by covering it in bleach. Her behaviour is beyond acceptable and has been for some time, and I've tried to manage it as best I could. But I no longer believe that she is scared of losing my friendship as she claims to be, or that she cares for me, because her actions and words are not those of some one who wants me to be happy. I think I've become an obsession to her, she can't have me, she knows that, so she tries to control as much of my emotions as possible to give her something to hang on to. Yesterday, after the plant incident, I was so angry I can't tell you, and if Baby G hadn't been at my house and we hadn't been going to the Maroon 5 concert, I would have thrown her out and told her never to come back. I can honestly say now that I believe she has no regard for anyone else's feelings other than her own, and she needs help beyond anything I can give. So like I said I sent two emails this morning, one to her saying that I was breaking contact and that we wouldn't speak for a long long time, if we could ever be friends at all, and I also sent one to her mother explaining the situation, that she has talked about taking her own life and asking her to keep an eye on her. I know DL hasn't read the email yet as she'll still be at work, but when she does I expect a barrage of calls and texts and I know she'll go through all the stages of begging, crying, abusive talk and anger. I just hope she finds it within herself to move on with her life and leave me alone, instead of the more dangerous scenarios such as taking her own life, or hounding me and my friends and family which we've all agreed is a possibility considering her increasingly concerning behaviour. I know I sound cold writing this, but writing those emails this morning tears were streaming down my face and the truth is that I am terrified she'll do something stupid. I just can't see any other way of handling this, I've tried everything else. It's time to say goodbye to her and let her get on with her own life, because being around me is killing her anyway, that much is evident. I just hope she'll be ok and find happiness somewhere. We've cut contact before for a few weeks at a time, but this time is definite and I won't be contacting her for a long time, if at all. It's time to put this one to bed.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Weather warning, severe flooding in the local area!

I have never seen a woman produce so much come in my entire life! I know I've said this before about the handful of times Spanish Girl and I have fucked, but tonight put our other encounters to shame. By the time she arrived I was in a better mood than earlier, and she presented me with a box of chocolates and a cute little plant which is now sitting in my kitchen and which I will have to hide when DL visits or she’ll throw it out the window. The reason for which is that she bought me a Christmas flowering Cactus for our one month anniversary and it’s still alive and she’s weird about me taking care of it. So if she saw another plant in my kitchen evidently from some one else, her jealous nature would get the better of her and I can see the poor thing landing on the street below. Anyway, tonight was actually a pleasant surprise and has made me reconsider my earlier decision about not seeing Spanish Girl again. I’m still not sure for how much longer it’ll go on for, but tonight we had the best sex we’ve ever had, and in between rounds we chatted a lot and I learned more about her life and family than before. I also realized how difficult and frustrating it must be for her not being able to speak good English, there were times tonight when she couldn’t think of the right words to make her meaning clear and she would put her head in her hands and groan. I try to help her as much as I can but my Spanish really isn’t that great, so we’ve agreed to teach each other as much as possible. The first thing I need to learn though is sex related vocabulary, because in the height of passion she’ll say something in Spanish, and I don’t know if it’s “harder, faster, deeper, slower, that’s the spot, you’re fucking awful, I’m bored now…” it could be anything and I always get paranoid that I’m not doing what she likes or I’ve misread her body language and done the opposite of what she wanted and so on.

I decided to write this post now, one because I’m wide awake, and two because I’m waiting for my bed to dry out before I can actually get in to it. I didn’t realize how turned on a woman squirting actually made me until now, but tonight when I had decided to mainly give, she started to squirt lots, over and over again, and in the end I was aching to have her inside me. There’s also something about squirting that becomes almost infectious. That is to say I’m always hesitant about squirting myself when I’m with casual partners, but once I know they do it too it’s like something inside my head gets released and I open up and relax. So you can imagine that when we started fucking each other simultaneously the juices were flowing free and we couldn’t tell who was squirting the most. Very sexy indeed. I was doing really well with the provision of towels as well, that is until I put on the strap on and started fucking her. From behind it wasn’t too bad, but then I was on my back and she was riding the holy fuck out of me, and when she came she just lifted up and flooded both me and the bed, and trying to catch it all with a towel was like trying to scoop the ocean in to a tea cup, it just ain’t gonna happen. I’ll be lucky if the mattress isn’t fucked, and my bed springs broken after that last round of fucking. She also made me come the hardest I’ve come in a long while with a partner. I was kneeling over her and we were fucking each other, and she started hitting my G spot and well that was it. Vaginal orgasms are very rare for me, but that one was mind blowing, and as we kissed and I came I cried a long loud note of pleasure in to her open mouth and she bit down on my lips and the whole thing was just deliscious. She’s also one of these women who can come and come and come and come and never seem to get tired. I’m the exact opposite, if I have a good intense orgasm that’s it for me, I’m too sensitive to touch, but she just kept going and going and there was one point where I thought, I’m too tired to go anymore, I just want to curl up and sleep now, but she had other ideas and remained as horny as ever until I pointed out that it was three thirty and that I had to get up to go and meet friends in a few hours time and after a late night last night I really needed some sleep. She put me to shame damn it! She’s twice my age, yes, twice my age and I was flagging long before she was.

Well, I guess I’d better go and see how the old bed’s doing and finish it off with the hair drier if it’s still wet. She wants to see me again next week, but I think if she wants to stay around we’re going to have to see each other every few weeks rather than every week or I know I’ll end up calling it a day sooner rather than later. What’s the problem you might ask, she’s just given you a mind blowing orgasm, she squirts when she comes and doesn’t object to you doing the same, she’s a sexy Spanish nymph, why are you complaining? The answer is, I don’t know, there’s just something there that I can’t fully warm too, maybe it’s because I feel I don’t understand her properly sometimes because of the language barrier and therefore I can’t get to know her in depth, I don’t know. Anyway, tonight was a success, we both came away happy, so I guess that’s all that matters for now. I should probably stop over analyzing the situation and just enjoy it.
I’m off to get some sleep now or I’ll never make my lunch date with friends, let alone stay awake long enough to see Maroon 5 in the evening.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

I woke up this morning with a muzzy head and a text from Spanish Girl appologising for last night, saying that she hoped I wasn't angry and could we meet up tonight. To be honest I would have rather had a night out with the girls, but because last night had gone so disasterously ascue as far as she was concerned, I sort of felt obliged to say yes and make it up to her. I think this is the beginning of the end though, this will be the fourth time we've met and I still don't feel much emotion about it, apart from a little irritation. I don't even know why I'm mad at her, I just kind of am, and that really makes me want to fuck her for some reason. She's not coming over until later tonight, she has some family stuff to do first, she has kids and so they obviously come first, but when she gets here I don't think she'll be getting the sweet, soft side of me that she's seen for the majority of the time we've spent together. Tonight I plan to give and not receive, which again is odd for me because I very much like both. She'll be on her back, legs wide for me, begging for it, while I bite on her neck and nipples, scratch and slap her thighs before giving it to her hard. I might even tie her up with the bondage tape I bought at the Erotica show. I want to give her something to remember me by, so tonight I'll pull out all the stops and ensure that she has a damn good time. And I won't see her again.

Lost in Translation

Mr C and his girlfriend arrived dripping wet from the horrible down pour that lasted for hours just after 9. We ordered pizza, opened the wine and chatted. Just as the pizza arrived my mobile rang. I ignored it to collect the delivery and then went to look who it was that had called me. It was Spanish Girl, so thinking she had called to make arrangements for tomorrow I called her back.
"Hi," I said,
"Hi," she said, "I sorry I here, terrible rain, what your apartment number again?"
Mr C and girlfriend were happily tucking in to pizza blissfully unaware that my shag was downstairs, and in a panic I said something like, "Oh, urm, oh God, you're here? Shit!"
"You busy tonight?" she said.
"Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you earlier."
"Oh," she said, sounding like some one had smacked her in the face. "I go, I call again tomorrow."
Fuck fuck fuck! I thought as she hung up on me. This might just be a casual thing but I hate upsetting people and unintentionally hurting their feelings, and our earlier conversation had evidently been lost in translation. After a few minutes I called her back. My friends were telling me to invite her up, but I had the awful image of us all sitting eating dinner awkwardly, our evening's conversation stilted by a stranger they didn't know and for whom most of what we were saying would have been lost.
"Where are you?" I asked.
"In the car," she said, sounding very pissed off.
"I'm so so so sorry, I told you I couldn't meet tonight."
Then I lied, "I'm not even at home." At this she sounded better and I told her that some friends had wanted to see me who weren't in town very often, which wasn't strictly the truth, but wasn't a complete lie either as I was spending the evening with friends.
"I call tomorrow?" she said, and I told her to do so.
I'm not sure if she will though, that might have put an end to that.
Oh well, shit happens, and anyway I started to think after we spoke that even if she had thought I could have met her tonight, she was supposed to arrive at 8 and I was supposed to be cooking dinner, so showing up at ten without a call to say she was running late wouldn't have been acceptable anyway, so I don't feel so bad afterall.
Off to bed now as I'm pretty drunk so this post is probably full of typo's.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Sod's Law

Why is it that when you're really into some one they never seem to be bothered about you? And when some one is really interested in you you're not really feeling them too much? I think it's what they call, "Sod's Law", and it's definitely the case with me at the moment. When BB was around I was crazy about her, constantly thinking of her, texting her, calling, wanting to meet up and she wasn't too keen. Now the roles are reversed with Spanish Girl, she's texted me every day this week saying she's thinking of me and she's really looking forward to seeing me etc, and to be honest I could take it or leave it. I know that probably sounds horrible, but there really isn't anything else there for me apart from some good sex, that's it. She was supposed to be coming over tonight and I've been thinking about it for most of the day, kind of looking forward to the sex but not really wanting to have to cook and entertain her and struggle with the conversation because A we don't really know much about each others lives and B the language barrier gets in the way. So when Mr C's girlfriend called me a little while ago and asked if they could come over tonight, I felt annoyed that I'd arranged to see Spanish Girl. I texted her asking if we could meet tomorrow instead and she didn't seem to understand what I meant, so we then had a very difficult phone conversation where I tried to say, "today is difficult so I would prefer to see you tomorrow. But, if you can't meet up tomorrow then we can keep it at tonight." She didn't really understand what I was saying and just kept saying, "no today? No tomorrow?" In the end I said, "yes, not today, tomorrow," and she said that she would check what was going on with her family and get back to me. I'm usually very patient when it comes to her not understanding things, but I was starting to get exasperated on the phone and tried not to let my irritation show because it's really not her fault.
So now Mr C and his girlfriend are coming over tonight, and God knows if I'll see Spanish Girl tomorrow, but to be honest, I don't mind either way.

What else has happened this week... Had a fantastic night out on Wednesday when I saw
Frank Skinner
live on tour. I spent most of the night on the floor crying with laughter, his stand up is fantastic. I won't give too much away in case anyone is reading who is going to see him, but his discription of both giving and receiving oral sex had me doubled up, and his songs were great too.

Yesterday I was out all day at the charity I'm volunteering with at the moment. I don't know why but when I woke up yesterday I had the horn majorly but didn't have time to do anything about it, and so spent the entire day counting down the hours until I could go home and make myself come. It didn't help that
Naughty Angel
and I were discussing sex and sex toys for some of it, plus I got some exciting emails from websites I contacted in the hopes of doing some professional product reviews for them, so stay tuned to hear more about that in the coming weeks. So it was out of the office at five thirty, on a tube and home by 7, and a quick session with my BOF's before dragging myself out of sleepy post orgasm bliss to get dressed and head back out again. Last night I met up with an old school friend who I haven't seen for about 5 years. We always got on well at school and neither of us have changed much so we had a really good night. Had quite a lot to drink, got some food and chatted about old times, oh and perved at the bar maid in the pub we were in and agreed that she'd definitely get it from both of us. I may be femme but I can turn in to one of the guys when I'm around them, which is quite scary really because I'm dirty at the best of times.

So tomorrow I have no idea what's happening. If I don't see Spanish Girl I'm going to try and organise a night out with some of the girls and on Sunday I'm off to see Maroon 5 in concert with DL and Baby G. Monday Jill Scott is playing and I'm going to see her too and my friend Rosey is coming down from Sheffield to go to the gig with me and staying over until Tuesday which will be lovely.
Now I'm off to go and sort out the mountain of laundry I washed today and then have a bath before my friends arrive. Have a good weekend.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Product Review: Twist n Shake by Fun Factory

Product Review, Twist n Shake by Fun Factory

So, after attending Erotica 2007 on Sunday which I’ll speak more about later, I decided to test out my main purchase today, and let you know what I think. The Twist n Shake I bought was in the design of a caterpillar, but looking on the internet it seems you can get them in a variety of designs. The basic shape of the toy is in the style of a Rampant Rabbit, with a long shaft for penetrative stimulation that rotates and another smaller vibrating section that serves the clit. What I really liked about this toy on first sight was that the shaft has been modelled on the G-Twist, which is ribbed and has a curved finish to better catch the G spot. I already have the G-twist and it’s one of my favourite toys, it really does hit the spot and usually makes me squirt, so I thought that this one would do the same. The toy is made of medical grade silicone, so has a good quality feel to it and is easy to keep clean, and inside the shaft are balls that rotate near the base when activated. The battery compartment is a rather large square block of plastic, a far cry from the G-twists subtle, smooth and easy to grip toy that just pops off with one click. This in comparison I found uncomfortable to hold and it was quite cumbersome. On the front of the compartment is an off-on button, and two roller switches to control the two part of the toy, the rotation of the shaft and the vibration of the clit stimulator.

When I first turned the toy on , which by the way takes 4 AA batteries, the first thing that put me off was the noise. Both the rotating shaft and the vibrating part are quite loud, and when turned up to their maximum strength are not easy to disguise. You would have to have music on in a room to disguise this one if you still live at home, or are in a house share etc. When I first inserted the toy it felt good, the ribbed shaft provides lots of stimulation and the curved point caught my spot on the way in. But when fully inserted so that the smaller vibrating component was on my clit the curved point was well past my G-spot, and I found that if I placed the shaft with the point on my G-spot the clitoral stimulator wasn’t long enough to meet my clit, so it really either had to be one or the other which was disappointing.

I masturbated for about fifteen minutes and the end result was an orgasm that had to be coaxed more than anything. If I’m completely honest I’m not a huge fan of the rabbit design, when I masturbate I usually use two toys, a vibrating bullet for my clit and something like the G-twist for penetration. That way I can control the two separately and ensure I get maximum pleasure from both. But, I have used better rabbit designs than this, and for £45 it leaves a lot to be desired.

So, let’s break it down… If there’s anything you think I’ve missed out in terms of grading, please do let me know. It’s the first time I’ve done a product review so there are bound to be things I’ve missed.

Noise: 3/10
Quality of material: 8/10
Comfortable to hold: 3/10
Power of vibrations: 7/10
Aesthetic design: 9/10
Easy to use controls: 9/10
Flexibility: 2/10
Maximum pleasure design: 5/10
Value for money: 4/10
Successful climax: 4/10
Overall score: 54/100

Saturday, November 24, 2007


Burrr it's so cold! Yesterday I went out and bought a lovely thick cream coloured winter coat with flease lining and a big hud which I quickly wrapped around my ears while my teeth chattered. It's the kind of weather that makes you want to stay home with the curtains drawn and the heat turned up, wrapped in a blanket with the dog curled up next to you snoring away while the rain drums on the roof and it grows dark outside. I've not been doing much of that though over the past few days, I've seen quite a lot of DL and it's actually been really lovely. She came to commedy on Wednesday, and then on Thursday she came to my place after work and I made dinner, and then yesterday we spent the day shopping and went out for dinner last night to my favourite Thai restaurant. We've been managing to have quite good conversations about things and she knows that I'm seeing some one casually although she knows nothing about her, and she's going to start looking for a new place to live so that she can move out of her mum's in the new year. I also had a catch up phone conversation with my friend Sean on Thursday night and he made me really belly laugh when he did a very good impression of Borat, and told me about his gay crush. My comment in response to his embarrassment was,
"Everyone wants to get shagged up the arse at some point in their life whether they're male or female, gay or straight,"
to which he cracked up and said he was going to put it on his facebook page as one of his favourite quotes. He also said, "I really miss you. I can't talk about sex with anyone else," which was a complement, I think, and apparently he gets wine served in some of his evening lectures as part of his MA course which I thought was fantastic.

Tonight, well in about an hour actually I'm heading in to town to go for a meal and then to Soho with the girls for a birthday party, and tomorrow I have a fun packed day. In the morning I'm going to
Erotica 2007
with some friends and in the evening I'm meeting the girls from work to go to the pub. I'll try and write again tomorrow to let you know what I bought, no doubt I won't be able to resist walking past all the stalls selling sex toys without buying a little something to keep me tick tick tickking!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

On the up

I've chosen this title to what will be a very short post because, fingers crossed, it looks as though things are on the up.
The first good thing that happened this week was that I received a call from the graduate scheme I went for the assessment centre with last week and I'm through and on to the scheme and will start work in the new year. Woo! Finally! So this means I can relax for a little while and not have the stress of applying for jobs etc and now make the most of the time I have left not working and look forward to starting a new job.

The second good thing is that I have been having and will hopefully continue to have extremely good sex right now. The Spanish Girl came over on Tuesday and is supposed to be coming over sometime this weekend for some more fun and believe me, it is lots of fun. I've been masturbating to the image of me riding her while she's wearing the strap on, something which we did last Friday, all week long and I want a repeat performance. Something else which has fueled my solo orgasms are a couple I've made friends with. I'll call them the femme couple as I met them at the femmes meet I went to, and we've been in touch ever since and they came to the commedy night yesterday evening. I have to say they are probably the hottest couple I've ever met, and they're both really flirtatious which really doesn't help. We were exchanging stories about what is in our respective toy boxes and when they were talking about the strap on they'd just bought the thought of them fucking stayed in my head for the rest of the night. They're supposed to be coming over for dinner soon, I wonder if they'd be up for a threesome. One is English, tall and blonde and the other is an Arab and is shorter and very feisty. They're both gorgeous women and I'd love to get stuck in the middle heehee.

The final thing I want to mention is a blog some one gave me the link too. The blog in itself is great but the pod casts are something else. I'll add her to my blog roll but in the meantime you can check her out

Happy Thanks Giving to those of you in the US.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Stick to what you know, or more importantly, where!

Just before I start with this post can I just tell you that my neighbour is in his shower and he’s either talking to himself or some one else who is there, but in a very odd, darlic esque voice. Sounds very strange coming through my wall…

Today I ventured to East London, and never will I venture there again if I can help it. God it’s so uncivilised! You probably think I’m taking the piss, but my gosh everyone I met was so fucking rude! The station staff were horrible, I approached the barrier and found the gate man shouting at some one, “don’t interrupt me when I’m talking, wait your turn!” And he didn’t seem to notice that I was trying to squeeze past with the dog, while some cunt with a push chair was repeating, “’scuse me! ‘scuse me” very loudly behind me as if I didn’t hear them the first time. The reason I went east was for my interview, and to be frank even if they offered me the job which I’m not sure they will I wouldn’t work there anyway. The office was really shitty and run down, and yes I am aware that I sound like a snob, but that’s because I am. The people who worked there were also rude, not bothering to introduce themselves or even tell me who was doing the interview so I could be all friendly and introduce myself. I was just taken to this room where four people sat around a table and I didn’t know if they were other candidates or the people doing the interview until they started firing questions at me. Then I was taken over to a computer where I had to do a test in excel and the woman supervising didn’t even say hello to me. I said, “nice to meet you,” in a very pointed way and she just muttered something I didn’t catch and wondered off. So that was a total flop and I’ll be writing an email to the head of recruitment complaining about the staff and their lack of disability awareness and recommend they get some training. I don’t take kindly to being poked in the back by some one in an attempt to show me which direction to go to get somewhere, and at one point one of the interviewers said, “ok so now you can go and do the test, and (insert name) will carry you to where you need to go.” Carry me! I wasn’t aware that I couldn’t walk. By this point I was not a happy bunny and was tempted to rip the piss out of her when she read that I could speak French and tried to speak it very badly to me, but I didn’t. Oh and I had a horrible cab driver who couldn’t find the right building and kept jamming on the breaks and complaining very loudly as if it was my fault that I’d never been there before.

So, after what was a stressful experience I came home and cooked myself pasta and vegetables in tomato and cheese sauce with garlic bread and read some more of my book. It’s been pissing down with rain all day, and I mean really pissing down. I got drenched on the short walk from the bus stop to my house and I can hear it drumming on the roof as I write.

Oh, and something that made me laugh out loud when I got home… It’s a good job I didn’t take off my suit jacket during the interview, because I’d put my blouse on inside out this morning and hadn’t even noticed. I think that says it all.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Great Weekend!

This weekend has been one of the best I’ve had for a while. Friday night was obviously great, and woke up on Saturday morning feeling slightly hung over and so didn’t really do a lot except sit around drinking tea and reading the new novel by Alice Sebold, which if you were thinking of getting it is very good indeed. In the evening Baby G and I were off to see Beverly Knite live at the Royal Albert Hall with two of our friends, one of whom cancelled in the afternoon because she was feeling ill. I have been slightly concerned as you know about my lack of sex drive lately, and even on Friday night it was more about her pleasure than mine. So on Saturday afternoon I put myself to bed with my toy box and refused to move until I’d given myself an orgasm. I think it’s done the trick, seems to have kick started my libido again thank god, I was starting to worry.

So in the evening I headed out in the freezing cold to go to the show. I have to say I’ve never really been in to Beverly Knite and I only went because Baby G had extra tickets, but I’m very glad I did. She’s one of these artists who sounds so much better live than she does in the studio, and her voice was outstanding. She did a set that lasted for almost two hours straight with hardly any breaks and her vocals were incredible. I’m going to get some of her stuff from Baby G to see if I can get in to her now that I’ve been to see her. After the show we went and got chips because we were all hungry and then Baby G came to stay at mine for the night. That in itself was lovely, when we used to live together we used to spend hours just lying in bed talking and listening to music and It’s something we’ve both missed. So last night was great, although we were both tired we still managed to have a chat before falling asleep. She’s like a sister to me and I’m so proud of what she’s accomplished. She’s just arrived back from New York after going to the women’s therapy centre to undergo treatment for vaginismus, a condition that she’s battled with for the past couple of years ever since she found out she had it. At one point she really thought she’d never be cured of it and that she would never be able to have sex with her boyfriend, but since going to the clinic in New York she has been treated and has now had sex and no longer has vaginismus. I know how hard it was for her to go through what she’s been through and the treatment was painful and emotionally draining. But she has done it and she’s like a different person, like she’s really come in to her own now that she feels in control of her own body. She bought us both toys back from the States, in celebration of vaginas which work, and I used mine this evening and it’s really good!

We didn’t wake up this morning until eleven thirty and had to get up and out in time to meet five friends in town for Mr C’s girlfriend’s birthday. So today was spent in the pub, most people getting slightly drunk and me trying to resist because I have a job interview tomorrow. I got tipsy but then stopped because the last thing I need tomorrow is a hang over so switched to soft drinks, and the roast dinner and chocolate fudge cake with ice cream helped soak up the alcohol. I was very amused when Mr C told me that when the cab arrived to pick him up from my house the other day the following conversation ensued:
Cab driver: “Is that your Mrs?”
Mr C: “No she’s just a friend.”
Cab Driver, “Are you sure?”
Mr C: “Yes, she’s on the other bus.”
Cab driver: “Really? Please tell me you’ve tried though, please!”
Mr C: “Yes I’ve tried, she’s definitely gay.”
Cab Driver: “does she use our cab service much?”
Mr C: “No not really.”
Cab driver, “Shit! I was hoping I would pick her up sometime. Does she have a woman then?”
Mr C: “She’s usually got a couple on the go at once I think.”
Men! That’s all I can say…

The conversation didn’t get much better in the pub today either, my friends are very very smutty:
Baby G to our friend Rids: “What do you want for Christmas then?”
Rids: “some anal sex!”
And at another point:
Me to Rids: “Oy you talk to me. I haven’t seen you for ages how are you?”
Rids: “Well you’re too far away over there, I can’t stick my fingers in you from here.”
Mr C’s girlfriend who was sitting next to me: “I’ll do it for you.”
Followed by much laughter from everyone.
Me: “Stop talking about my vagina!”
I love my friends!

Oh, and Spanish Girl texted me yesterday asking when we could meet up. I suggested Thursday. She said, “how about tomorrow, I can’t stop thinking about last night.” I told her I couldn’t because I had plans and she didn’t seem very happy, so I suggested we meet on Tuesday instead. God there’s no pleasing some people.

I got home from the pub just after 8 and have washed and dried my suit. It’s absolutely freezing outside and I called my cousin up north to wish her a happy birthday and she told me it’s been snowing there. Jesus, winter is finally here I think. Time to get out the winter duvet! Or find some one to share my bed with and snuggle up too on cold nights.

Saturday, November 17, 2007


She arrived in a short skirt, knee high boots, fish net stockings and a basque.
We drank wine, lots of it, chatted, kissed.
We stood together in the kitchen while she smoked cigarettes, my hand on her waste.
On the couch we touched, she leaning her head on my shoulder, me stroking her hair and back.
Later in bed, our clothes on the floor we entered each other, bodies sliding together, kissing constantly.
She came. Everywhere. On the bed, the towels that I’d fortunately placed to hand. In my mouth. On my pelvis as we grinded together. Rivers of it, cascading from her like a waterfall, powerful, intense, beautiful. She apologised, I told her not to be sorry.
Afterwards we sat facing each other on the bed, legs entwined, my thighs on hers, arms wrapped tightly around each other, kissing and talking, my hands in her hair, hers on the small of my back.
“perfecto,” she said, over and over again.
Today I am left with a hang over, a lot of washing to do, and a smile.
I’m glad I returned her call.

Thursday, November 15, 2007


I have had bad dreams and disturbed sleep every night this week. I don't really remember what the dreams were about, I just don't wake up feeling refreshed. Last night though I do remember something about being covered in shattered glass, and the glass was all over the floor and there was a girl there who was crazy and who kept smashing things. I had tiny fragments in my skin and hair and kept trying to pick them out without cutting myself.
I am tired most of the time and tend to fall asleep in the afternoons if I am home.
I read The Afghan by Frederick Forsyth in a couple of days and although I really enjoyed the book, I was disappointed with the anticlimax of an ending.
I went for a job interview on Tuesday to be a recruitment consultant, but due to the long hours, pressured environment and there being a score board in the office with everyone's commission scores on it I'm not sure I want the job.
Yesterday I went to an assessment centre for a graduate scheme and think I nailed it.
My friend Mr C came over today with his guitar and he played and I sang for about two hours. We are learning
and this
and hope to get a set together to play live somewhere.
The last time I made myself come was on Saturday. I haven't even attempted it, or even thought about it that much since then. So for once sex isn't the primary thing on my mind. I'm not even bothered if the spanish woman and I don't have sex tomorrow, it might actually be quite refreshing if we don't, but chances are we will because she's not coming over to play scrabble.
DL bought me Leona Lewis's debut album and I really like it. She told me to listen to
track 3
and that made me sad, to know that she feels that way.
I am eating a lot more than I should be at the moment. It's probably comfort eating, but the guy I walk the dog with once a week came today and said, "are you putting on weight?" Thankfully my head was in a cupboard looking for the dog whistle so he didn't see my face, but it really pisses me off that men think it's ok to say that to women. The next time he comes over I will be tempted to say, "has your dick shrunk? Only the buldge in your pants looks a lot smaller today."
I ordered a cab yesterday only to have it come and then the driver refuse to take me because I had the guide dog. That is actually against the law, but what can you do if the driver just leaves except report his ass and hope the authorities will revoke his licence.
Francesca and I are no longer friends, and I'm not really sure why. She is a very complex person and I can't seem to see the wood for the trees as far as working out her meaning is concerned. It's a shame we're no longer in touch, but I think it's probably for the best as we view things very differently and never seem to meet in the middle.
I cried for the first time in ages the other night. Cried propperly, balling, heaving sobs in to my pillow until my eyes were sore, my nose blocked and my head hurt. The release felt good.
Despite all this, I don't feel depressed, just in transition. Where I'm going and what I'm leaving behind, I'm not entirely sure yet.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


So just as I set myself the strict rule of being single and celibate, not dating or screwing anyone, some one up there decided to set me a challenge. I got a call this morning, or rather missed a call, and when I checked my messages, I had one that went rather like this.
"Hi, this is *insert name of the stunningly sexy medetaranean woman I screwed the hell out of at
the party.)
Please call me back when you get this."

So, I debated whether to call her or not, part of me wanting not to bother because of the way I feel at the moment, yet the curiocity in me wondering what she wanted and why she had chosen now to call me. So I called her back. She wants to meet up for "drinks and a chat" on Friday night. It's a bit difficult to explain to some one who doesn't speak good English that that's probably not a good idea because I'm trying not to get involved with anyone, or think with my pussy more importantly at the moment so we really should not meet up. I said yes. She's coming over on Friday night. That poses the question of, if her English is awful, and my spanish isn't that great, what are we going to do?...
Fuck! I think I might have just signed myself up for an evening of casual fun with a hot, femme, sexy woman. Oh well... What's a girl to do?
Don't look at me like that!

Bad Choices

I think that's what I've been making for a long time now. It has to stop. People only need the slightest reason to walk away, and they're gone. I put my faith in people, only to have it thrown back at me. Maybe I'm wrong to have faith, to trust people on their word, hope that everyone has good intentions. Because the simple fact is, they don't and most of the time people are just out for what they can get with no regard for anyone else. This isn't just the Cherry thing which has gone cold without any explanation. Maybe I am the explanation. I don't know. All I know is that lately I've spent more time feeling lonely, hurt or disappointed, angry or upset than I have happy. So I'm closing down the ranks, I'm not going to put myself out there again to get rejected or hurt. I'm going to stop being so open with other people and become guarded. No more casual sex, no more jumping in too fast. For now, it's just me on my own, and no one else. I've had enough. A year on from my break up with DL and I'm as lonely now as I was then. Maybe even more so having experienced more dishonest people, more selfishness. Bad choices are what it comes down to. Well no more, not if I can help it. The next woman who comes along who seriously wants to win me over is going to need a lot of strength and determination and a great deal of persevereance. I'm done with being an open book.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Not a happy bunny

I woke up this morning at around 9 AM and made a cup of tea, went back to bed and read a book for a couple of hours. I texted Cherry at around midday to see if and when she was coming over, and about two hours later she called me back saying that she had just woken up, and to give her an hour or so and she would be over. So during that hour or so I had a bath, made the bed, and put a fruit pie in the oven for us to eat later. By five PM I hadn't heard a thing so I texted half jokingly saying I hoped she hadn't fallen back to sleep. She called me and said that she was just watching her nephew's for a little while as her aunt was out, but that she would be leaving shortly. Two hours later, and she still hasn't called to say that she is on her way. Call me high maintenance, but being kept waiting around for most of the day does not put me in a good mood. This is a far cry from last weekend when she came over for breakfast and we spent the day in bed together. To be honest I'm half inclined to tell her to forget it if she does call to say she's coming, which is looking unlikely as she's leaving it late to come over. These aren't good seduction tactics at all and the anticipation and horniness that has been with me for most of this weekend is rapidly fading away. She's very much mistaken if she thinks she can just pop over here for an hour or whatever for a quick fuck and then leave after keeping me hanging on all day. As casual as this thing is, I'm not up for that.

Friday, November 09, 2007

My Spot

Cherry is coming over on Sunday and I can't wait. Last weekend when she was here and we'd been fucking for hours, she found the spot on my body, the spot that has nothing to do with my pussy but which, if kissed makes me go crazy. We were cuddling when she found it, and then when she saw my reaction we were fucking again. It makes me rithe in pure pleasure, it makes me moan and scream, makes me gasp and lose my breath, sends my muscles in to spasms, makes me so very wet. The feeling is so intense that I can't take it for long, but it's incredible. She was thrilled that she found it, thrilled at how she made me pur. I want her to find it again. I want that feeling. That intensity that draws my mind in to one electrified pin point of pure pulsating pleasure. I want it! I crave it! It's when I feel most alive. This time I want her to do it when she's inside me. So the two spots fuse and connect and wrip me apart until I can't tell where the source of my pleasure is. She wanted me to squirt for her last time, when I was coming. I couldn't manage it, haven't yet, with her. I think if she does that, I will. Rivers of it.

I don't think it will last long, with her. I mean the whole experience of she and I being connected in a sexual way. She is bisexual you see, and there in lies the problem. I am a synic when it comes to women who love both sexes. I have been taught to be by my own experiences. So I know that given time she will pull away from me in search of something more masculine. For now though I am her "little freak", or so she likes to call me, and she is giving me something I need. For now...
And I wish she was here tonight.

Another crush

Hmm, I have another crush. It has developed over the past couple of months and is now in full fury. I don't even know if she's gay. I see her quite a lot, I could see her every day if I wanted too because she works very close by. She's always very friendly and she's older than me. I find it difficult to chat to her without my mind wondering, and yes, I have thought about her while doing the kit cat shuffle. I wonder if she knows I like her... Probably not. It's nice to admire from a distance though, I just wish I knew which team she batted for.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Not quite right

Nothing has gone quite right this week for one reason or another. On Tuesday I had an appointment in the morning to test out some new satalite navigation technology that is supposed to help if you can't see, and in the afternoon I was set to have a job interview to be a trainee recruitment consultant. I got a call on Monday asking if they could move the interview to Thursday, fair enough, but then on the Tuesday morning I had a call from the tech guy saying he needed to rearrange because he was ill. I did have a rather productive day though sending off some more job application forms so that was ok. Stayed in on Tuesday night as the lesbian social group that usually meets up on a Tuesdays seems to have dispanded over the past few weeks, everyone having their own stuff on. Wednesday I got roped in to attending an event with a secret employer by a charity that I'm involved with, and it turned out to be some huge corperate finance company that I would have no interest in working for, so although it was nice I could have spent it doing better things. In the evening I went to the usual commedy night, to find that the usual compair was ill and that some one else was running it and it wasn't half as funny. Today I had a Virgin Media technition come to look at my TV as I've stopped getting two of the main channels, and he basically said that it should have never been installed because it wasn't serviceable in my building. So now I have to have it all uninstalled again and will have to find a new service provider for my phone, broadband and TV which is really annoying. And just to top it all off the company I was supposed to be having the interview with called and said they were having some problems within the company, the manager of the team I should have bene working for had been dismissed and the position wasn't vacant at the moment. They said they would keep my records on file but that they would have to cancel the interview. Jesus Christ! Next week though I have an assessment centre for a graduate scheme and I'm going to visit another recruitment consultants to see if I like the look of what they do, so fingers crossed. Also, Cherry and I have kept missing phone calls from each other all week long, either one of us being busy when the other tried to call for a chat. She just called while I was writing this though and we managed to speak for more than a few minutes, she wants to come over this weekend which is find by me as I'm more than ready for some more of what she has to offer! My dad is also here at the moment, he's in the kitchen cooking us dinner which is lovely of him, and he's bought the family dog who is currently snoozing in Una's bed.

Let's hope things get better over the weekend and that is the end of my run of bad luck.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007


Last week I was reading one of my favourite blogs,
this one
and on a whim decided to send in a submission. It was a story I'd written when breaking up with DL last year, a story I had kept private until now. I didn't really expect it to get published, I was so caught up in the telling when I wrote it, being so personally involved that I wasn't sure it was any good. As I hadn't heard anything back from the blog I assumed they'd just thought it was crap and hadn't published it, but when blog hopping a few minutes ago I found that indeed they had decided to publish my work. It's made my day and given me the kick up the ass I've been needing to get back in to writing as I've been neglecting it over the past few months because life has taken over. So you can go
to read it.
A big thanks to the team at The Lesbian Lifestyle!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Very good loving from a very bad girl!

I swear this girl is off the hook crazy wonderful. She left a little while ago after being here for most of the day, and most of that spent in bed together. When she got here I made breakfast and we sat and ate while she read the paper out loud and we chatted about the news. When we’d had enough of that we took the fresh strawberries to bed with us and oh my God what can I say about that? This woman is so damn hot. Thick lips, slim hips, a tight round ass and small perfectly formed breasts with big nipples. Plus, she’s a freak in the sheets! Yeah, maybe an even bigger freak than I am. We hardly stopped for a break all day, when she said she needed to rest it lasted for literally two minutes and then she was off again. The only time she moved from the bed was to refill our wine glasses and later we ate dinner on the sofa. I have to say I really like her. She’s very attentive, she’s versatile, open minded with no inhibitions, she’s absolutely hilarious, when we chatted she had me crying with laughter because she’s so charismatic. She’s bright and intelligent, well spoken and as sexy as hell. I’ll be dreaming about that ass all week long until I see her again. When it got to about 8 o’clock and we’d just eaten dinner, we went back to bed to lie together for a while before she left to go see her friends, and this was the nicest part besides the sex. She wrapped herself around me, really snuggled in close, as close as she could get, kissing me deeply with those big soft lips of hers and murmuring that she didn’t want to go. I gently tried to persuade her that we should move so that she could go be with her friends even though I didn’t want her to go either, but she refused to get up, holding on to me for dear life and so another round of fucking and over an hour later we were still there. I absolutely love casual sex with some one who knows how to give affection as well as fuck because it’s something I really miss about being single. So, after today, we’ll definitely be seeing each other again soon. For now though I’m heading off back to bed, this time to sleep and rest my aching limbs.

Inspirational Songs

Two songs I am loving at the moment and which play constantly on my Pod are
No one
by Alicia Keys, who I'm going to see in concert in February, woo! Also
Bleeding Love
by Liona Lewis. What a voice! When I was younger my singing idol was
this woman
and although I think she's gone a little off the boil in recent years I still have mountains of respect for her tallent. I met her when I was thirteen years old at a concert and because she saw how emotional I was, instead of shaking my hand, she leaned across the security barrier and lifted me in to a hug and gave me a kiss. I cried all the way home with utter joy and disbelief. She too is touring next year and I'll be first in line for tickets when they go on sale. But I do think that Leona Lewis could be the next, and dare I say better than, devas like Celine, Mariah, Christina and Whitney. And she's british too so it's all good!
Anyway I just wanted to share those songs because they move me so much every time I listen to them. With the Alicia one you can hear the raw passion in her voice. I wonder what she went through in order to write such a song?


Cherry just called me saying she was feeling much better and that she had been up for hours and wanted to jump in a cab early this morning and come and wake me but decided not to in case I got annoyed. So she's heading over here now and we'll have the food for breakfast that I bought and then spend the day in bed. Aahh now that is my idea of what Sundays are made for. A sexy woman feeding me strawberries and licking the fruit juice from my throbbing clit...

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Disasterous evening!

Oh my fucking God, my worst nightmare just happened...

I went in to town this morning to meet my friend Col who I haven't seen in about three years. We were good friends when we were at college together but drifted apart when she got a boyfriend and hadn't really kept in touch. But recently through the wonders of facebook she had looked me up and we've been chatting. So today I went to meet her and it was actually great to catch up and see how she's doing. She's a diabetic and had gone in to renal faliure and has been on dialysis for some time now which was quite a shock. She's doing ok though and doesn't seem to be letting it stop her from doing much. We had lunch together and at about two I got a call from Cherry to ask what time she should come over. She mentioned that she was really hung over and hadn't gotten in until 6 this morning from a night out but said she was just getting up and we agreed she'd come over at around 7 or 8. I left Col at around three and on my way home I stopped at the supermarket to buy croissants, strawberries and some wine. I came home, cleaned the flat, put fresh sheets on the bed, put new batteries in the toys I thought we might use, showered and moisturised, put on sexy underwear and perfume and was just getting ready to start cooking dinner when the door bell rang. My God she's early, I thought, but excited all the same I ran to open the door. And you'll never believe who was there. The weird woman from downstairs. I couldn't believe it, my face must have been an absolute picture, and I was so shocked that before I knew what was happening she had pushed past me and was taking a tour of my flat. I stood in the living room, my hands on my hips, a look of complete bewilderment mixed with outrage on my face. When I didn't offer to make her a cup of tea she said, "have I called at a bad time?"
"Well actually yes you have," I said. "I'm having a friend round for dinner and she'll be here any minute."
"Oh," she said, and still didn't make any move to leave. She'd been talking about something or other for a couple of minutes when my mobile rang. This is where it gets worse because it was Cherry saying that she'd been throwing up all day and couldn't get out of bed, and could we reskedule for tomorrow. I felt kind of awful on the phone because although I was obviously gutted that she wasn't coming round, I was more mortified that the woman from downstairs could hear every word of my conversation, and I could almost feel the pleasure coming off her. When I ended the call she said, "Oh, is your friend not coming anymore?"
"No," I said through gritted teeth, and she sat down. So I had no choice other than to put the kettle on and make a cup of tea, to which she followed me in to the kitchen and told me exactly how she liked her tea, and because I didn't make it strong enough the first time around she would very much like a second cup. By this time I was beside myself. I just wanted her to leave and she wouldn't stop talking, and I was sitting on the floor chanting in my head, "please fuck off! Please fuck off!" Over and over again. She stayed for two whole excruciatingly long and painful hours. I've found out more than I needed to know about her personal life. Apparently she is not gay but has always been curious about lesbians, she is very highly sexed and likes men with big cocks, her current lover doesn't have enough staminer, she likes anal sex, she has slept with "many men", and she even started to hint at going on to the internet to look at porn on my lap top that was sitting on the table in front of her. Why oh why oh why do I always attract the weirdos? When she was leaving she asked for my number, and I gave it to her and took hers because at least then I thought, I can see when she's trying to call me. The problem with this building though is that if you knock on some one's door you can hear if they are in if they have music or the TV on which I usually do, so if she just decides to come calling like she did tonight, I'm fucked! On her departure she lingered in the door way, saying, "well, goodbye then," over and over, I think she wanted a hug or some kind of physical acknowledgement, but I just stood there willing her not to touch me and started to close the door. I had just called my mum to tell her what had happened when the doorbell rang again. With my heart pounding I stood stock still not even daring to breathe, holding the dog's collar trying to keep her from moving and making a noise, hoping that she would go away. When the bell rang again a few minutes later, I called out through the door and she said that she hadn't inputted my number correctly in to her phone. So I gave it to her through the door, and firmly said, "goodnight then," the door staying well and truly locked. I listened and heard her standing in the corridor for some time messing around with her phone, before she slowly moved off. What on earth am I going to do now? I have a fucking weird, lonely, very apparently psychologically unbalanced woman in my building who seems to have taken a liking to me.
And what is more, I am not getting laid tonight, and the food and the sexy underwear and crisp clean sheets are all untouched, and I am extremely pissed off!

Friday, November 02, 2007

In the news

I don't usually comment on news items here, but I have seen two shocking news stories today,
It's not very often we see a woman in the news for sex offences.
Comments welcome, I'd be interested to know your views on either, or both stories.

Fun Fun Fun!

So, as you’ve probably gathered, I got some good loving on Tuesday night. It was actually very spontaneous, I had been discussing sex online with a friend and complaining that I wasn’t getting enough, when a girl I’d been talking to online asked if I was up for a casual meet that evening. I was a bit apprehensive as we’d only just started talking, but we were both looking for some fun so I thought why the hell not and invited her over. I spoke to her for a bit on the phone first and we seemed to get on well so she headed over at about seven. She’s very attractive, black, about five feet five with long hair and she’s very slim, and oh my god such a fine ass! So we chatted over a bottle of wine for a couple of hours, she’s very funny and upbeat and we’re in to the same type of music and chatted about our families and our time at uni. I was in the middle of saying something about a Jill Scott gig I’d been too when she just leaned forward and kissed me with the fullest, softest lips. Now I do like a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it, so of course I responded. After a while we broke apart and laughed and looked at each other, I think she must have thought she’d moved too soon and started to pull back, so I touched her arm and pulled her close again. Once she’d got the idea that I was interested she was as feisty as hell and before long we moved from the sofa to the bed and that’s where we stayed for the next couple of hours. I’m not going to go into too much detail but I will say that she’s not in the least inhibited, and among other things it’s finally so nice to meet a black woman who is in to women and who isn’t afraid of using her tongue in all the right places. Mmm! So anyway, Cherry as she will now be known (and no that’s not because I popped hers) wanted to stay for the night but had to go to work the next day. So she’s coming over tomorrow evening and staying until Sunday, she called me from work yesterday and sent me a rather filthy email. She lives just down the road, so if things continue to go well it appears that I’ll hopefully have a regular fuck buddy. Finally! It’s taken since months of living here god damn it! Lol!

In other news, I also got hit on yesterday by a woman who lives in my building and who is the type of lesbian that I would run a million miles from. I don’t mean to be rude, but she stood far too close and commented on my “perfect teeth,” my “large breasts”, my “lovely blue eyes”, all within the first ten minutes of talking to her. I mean it’s lovely to get complimented, but there’s nothing worse than getting bombarded with them by some one you’ve only just met and you absolutely would never ever even think of dating or doing anything remotely like that with. I told her my age in the hope that would put her off, and she made the kind of disappointed noise that suggested she’d been thinking about shagging me for the entire conversation and had then realised how big an age gap there was. Even so she asked if I was free for coffee at some point which I gave a very vague answer to and tried to make my escape. So I’m a bit edgy every time I go down to the lobby in case she’s there. Scary predatory dykes, haha. I wouldn’t mind if she’d been femme and lovely, we all know I’m not adversed to getting involved with older women but she really wasn’t my type.

Last night I went to Caroline’s with H and S for dinner and had a fabulous time. We had such a laugh, Caroline has always got a story to tell about something or other, and it’s all in the telling because we usually end up crying with laughter by the end of it. We were also highly amused by how Una and her Cat reacted to one another, a kind of nervous excitement in them both that had the potential to explode in to either chasing, or spitting and growling, or both. They were both really well behaved though and Caroline has offered to dog sit anytime I need some one. I had rather a lot of wine and then had to make my way home from the other side of London which took ages and finally collapsed in to bed at around one to have a session with my new toy from
which arrived yesterday. The combination of
Meant that I had such a powerful orgasm that I fell asleep immediately.

I don’t have a lot planned for tonight, tomorrow morning I’m meeting an old college friend in town who I haven’t seen in years so that should be interesting. Then in the evening Cherry is coming over and no doubt that’ll be the better part of Sunday taken care of. Sunday evening if I make it out of bed I’m heading in to town to have coffee with a newly discovered lesbian social group.
Fun Fun Fun!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007


Don't you just hate it when you revisit some one's blog only to find they haven't updated? Well I've added email subscriptions so that you don't have to keep checking back. Just enter your email address in the subscription box on this page and you'll apparently be notified every time I update. See? Don't say I don't think about my readers. :)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

from sexually frustrated to sexually satisfied. Mmmmmmmmm. And what a fine ass she had.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Why I love London

I was sitting on the tube this afternoon listening to my Ipod as usual, when a realisation hit me like a tidal wave. The answer to why I love London so much. I' first came to London when I was about to turn fifteen. The reason behind the visit was that I had attempted suicide. I don't want to go in to that in this post, but relates to
this post
On leaving hospital my parents, who tried to bury their heads in the sand back then thought it would be a good idea for us to get away for the weekend. So they booked a trip to London, and I remember crying and saying I didn't want to go. Back then it was a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning and pull myself through each day and the thought of going away for an action packed weekend, and trying to act like everything was ok tore me up inside. But when we arrived I felt the pull of the city. For those of you who haven't been, and even those who have and just don't feel it, I think there is a buzz to London, an energy that I haven't felt anywhere else I've been. It's in the city's history, the architecture, the exclusive hotels that cater to the stars, the tourists taking pictures, the joggers running with the Thames, the blasting car horns, the millions of cyclists on the road that everyone curses, the expensive houses that no one can really afford to buy unless they are filthy rich and then what Americans would call the Gettoe or the Projects. It's in the people, from the professional business people in suits working in huge office buildings, to the homeless people and the prostitutes and the pimps and the rent boys. I felt this energy the first time I visited, and although I was deeply depressed at the time, something lifted my spirits and I actually managed to make the most of the time we spent here. I returned many times after that, to visit friends I had made who lived in London, and then to spend time with DL's family when we were together. I had known for a long time that I wanted to live here, I felt as though it were my destiny to do so, but I never really knew why. And today I think I finally figured it out. I love London because I feel I belong here. I fit in here, I don't stand out, either as a gay woman, or as a blind woman. I can travel around this city, the biggest city in the UK by myself because of the underground system, , something I struggle to do anywhere else. I don't have to rely on anyone, if I want to go somewhere, I just go. For most people that is perfectly normal anyway, but it never has been for me. I know I don't talk about my blindness much on here and that's because I firstly don't see it as something that defines who I am, and I wouldn't want other people to think of it as my defining quality either. But being able to just up and go somewhere, travel for an hour, two hours to get to the other side of the city is something I can do here as easily as making a cup of tea and it's something I marvel at every time I do it. As soon as I go anywhere else I either have to spend a fortune on cabs, or rely on some one to drive me places because like I said, the underground system hasn't beenn recreated anywhere else in the UK. And it's not just that. The things that I can do here as a gay woman, pick a group for each night of the week to go to and meet people, go to discussions at gay book shops, go to lesbian sex parties, women only bars, gay festivals, gay cafes, all this creates such a sense of belonging. I mean sure of course there are homophobes here, that goes without saying, it's just the enormity of what I as a lesbian am able to do is phenominal. So I think I've figured out why it feels more like home than anywhere else I've ever lived. Because the two things that have been hardest to deal with in my life, both for myself and other people, my lesbianism and my blindness, well neither of them are a battle in this city. They are accepted, they are encouraged, supported, aided. Sure it gets lonely sometimes, it can feel like the harshest and loneliest city in the world at times because it is so big and there are so many people. But when people say to me, "how can you live in London, it's so intimidating," I smile and say, "it's not intimidating, it's amazing, and it's my home. It's where I belong."

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Porn with breakfast

leads to two things...
A session with my battery opperated friends
cold toast.

Speaking of my BOF's, they seem to be failing me one by one lately, probably because of the amount of use they've had over the past few weeks. When indulging yesterday it was all I could do not to throw the whole lot out the window in frustration. Can you imagine the headlines?

"Small child is killed by being hit on the head by a box of sex toys hurled out of window from several floors up by a sexually frustrated lesbian."

They didn't go out the window however, and I managed to persuade my clit that the amount of stimulation she was getting from a rapidly dying vibrating bullet was more than enough to achieve an orgasm. Only just, though. I think it's time to take a trip to my favourite adult store to spend a small fortune on some new toys.

Also, I think I've discovered why I've been feeling off key, time to dig out the feminax, which by the way is fucking crap because it hasn't stopped my fucking stomach from cramping, nor altered my fucking bad mood!!!!!
Sorry about that, I'm ok now.
Fucking periods!!!
Going to curl up in bed with a cup of tea, a bar of chocolate and watch Eastenders.