Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I feel awful today. Well, truthfully I’ve been feeling bad for a few days now, but this morning it’s almost unbarable. Today I lay in bed way past the time I should have gotten up, just trying not to think and not wanting to get up and have to face the world. When I did get up, I made a bowl of serial and cried in to it. Today I feel like I did when DL and I first split up a couple of months back. Most of the time I’m ok, as much as in that I can deal with things and get on with it. But other times, like now, the pain comes in short sharp bursts that physically take my breath away and leave me aching inside. All I want to do at the moment is sleep. I can’t sleep enough. I think it’s because when I’m sleeping, I’m not feeling or thinking, and so I constantly feel tired throughout the day, sluggish and like I can’t think straight. Am I depressed? I don’t know. I don’t like that label because it suggests it’s something that is happening to you that you cannot control, and I’d like to think I can to some extent. The truth is, that although I’m getting on and moving on with my life, sometimes I miss her so badly that all I can think about is hearing her voice, or being held by her. I know that right now she thinks that I’m pushing her away because I don’t need her, when in actual fact I’m doing it so that she has the space and time to get over me so that we can hopefully have a friendship out of this mess. But sometimes it’s so hard, when all I want to do is call her and tell her how much I miss her and how I hate not talking, and that she’s the person that knows me best and I wouldn’t have to even say all those things because she’d already know anyway. I just hurt, and right now I feel like I can’t deal with the pain. I just want to shut myself away and sleep, sleep for hours, days, until I can wake up feeling ok again. I want to reach out to her, lean on her, but I can’t and won’t because it’s not fair. How is she ever going to heal if I’m constantly pulling at the stitches? I guess I just need to find another way of coping that doesn’t involve her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I made the decision I did, and I think that it’s for the best, but sometines I just miss her more than I can stand. Now I have to get ready to leave the house and find a way to somehow get through the rest of today.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Romantic friends

Ok, now I’ve gone private and all that, I feel it’s time to give you a true insight in to what the dealio is with regards to my love life…

Yesterday was of course Valentine’s day. It was bound to be a strange one, I was trying to work out the ratio of single V days to ones where I’ve been with some one, and the single ones amount to hardly any and they were when I was younger so they weren’t really as significant. So yesterday I woke up, feeling a little odd, and sent DL a text message saying I hope she was ok and that I was thinking of her. I didn’t get a response, but then later in the day a dozen red roses were delivered from her. I honestly don’t know how I feel about that, it’s lovely to know she still cares, but it was quite surreal getting flowers from an ex. Then I started to feel bad because I hadn’t sent her anything, but then was like, ‘well why should I? We aren’t together anymore’. Then I got a bunch of emails from her with different letters she’d written to me over the course of the relationship, she sent them apparently to make sure I had them to keep. So I spoke to her briefly on skype to thank her, and she started getting emotional and upset so we ended the conversation. All in all she’s doing reasonably well, but yesterday put her back a bit I think. I’m hoping it’s just a temporary blip though and she’ll continue to move forward…

What did make the day better, or should I say who, was my sexy southern lover, SSL. I’m sure it doesn’t take a lot of working out to figure out who I’m talking about, but the truth is we’ve gotten very close recently and we’re, I guess what one might call romantic friends. Anyway I received a card and phone calls from her which was lovely, and it’s only 35 days until we get to spend some time together in person rather than on the phone. The situation at the moment with me is that I’m really not looking for anything serious, but it’s lovely to be able to connect with some one the way SSL and I do, with no promises or ties, and a good solid friendship underneath that we can fall back on if things go askew romantically. Plus she drives me crazy with desire which is lovely to experience again. I guess I just feel disillusioned in terms of relationships right now, I’m still getting over the last one and some fun and friendship is where I’m at right now.

I’ve also moved on in the physical sense, this being with the woman I met at the club a few weeks ago. We’ve seen each other maybe five or six times in total, and we have a casual, no strings arrangement going on which is wonderful. She comes over a couple of times a week, we chat and spend time and have great sex, and we both know where we stand and neither of us want anything more. Like me, she too has recently come out of a serious relationship and so it suits us both just fine. I don’t know much about her, her family, childhood etc, in fact I don’t even know her last name. I do know her age and what she does for a living, and I actually like the air of mystery and the slight anonymity that goes with it all. Right now I’m just living for the present, and enjoying the dirty text messages and booty calls and general spontaneity that goes with being single…

I’m still manically busy, very tired, trying to squeeze lots in to everyday, being late for everything, and you know, I am loving every minute of it. I really do feel genuinely happy at the moment, something which I’ve not been for along time. People keep commenting on my hyperactivity and general zest for life, which is lovely and makes me wonder what I must have been like when I was with DL, especially towards the end of the relationship. So my current motto? Take life by the balls and twist! And if you want something, go out there and get it! And oh my god, it’s only 30 days until I fly to the US!

Saturday, February 10, 2007


For the first time in two years we have snow, and I mean propper snow, the kind that you sink into when you walk, the thick, powdery, fluffy type that makes for excellent snowballs... It's beautiful, breath taking, and a royal pain in the ass. Everything and everyone grinds to a halt in Britain when we have severe weather of any kind. Schools close, people don't show up for work, public transport if it runs at all is disrupted and slow... Everything you could think of. It's crazy, it happens to us every couple of years and every time people act like they've never seen snow before. Grown adults turn in to children and go out in the streets and parks having snowball fights. And yes, I am one of them, I have to admit. There is something incredibly romantic about snow. The last time it snowed propperly here DL and i were together. We went to the park and had a snowball fight, and I tackled her and she landed on her back, with me on top of her, and we just lay there in the deep snow, kissing and laughing, not caring about the cold. That was one of those moments, one of those perfect memories that comes to me on a day like today, as I stand and throw snowballs for the dog to jump up and catch. Later that same day, the one I just spoke of with DL, we went in to the street and built a huge snowman together. We gave him a carrot nose and a wooly hat and used dog biscuits for the eyes, and she took photos of me standing there hugging the damn thing. It's not the same though now, the snow... Half of me wishes I could join in with the screams of laughter from the people in the street, and pelt a lover with snowballs until my hands are numb with cold, and then go inside and take a hot shower together and then fall in to a warm bed and make love. Another part of me wishes it would just go away and take with it the longing I feel today, because I don't want to build a snowman by myself...

Thursday, February 08, 2007

New York Baby!

Yes, I'm coming to the good old US of A! Anyone live in New York?...

This is one of my crazy, impulsive, let's just do it trips that I don't do very often, but when I do, I go all out. I was thinking about the trip to China at easter, and there were a few things that were getting in the way of it all running smoothly. For a start I couldn't book the flights until fairly late which put the cost right up, and my dear friend who I intended to visit is at uni so it would restrict what we could do. I did also plan to go to New York this year for my birthday, although not around the time of it because of my finals, so I thought about swapping them around. I mentioned it to my mother and she thought it would be a possibility, and then I started looking at flights. They were coming up really cheaply, and there were two people I really wanted to go and visit too, that is my friend Baby G who is in St Louis for six months, and Kerry, (Chasing Midnight). So i calculated the round trip and it was still coming up at an affordable price, so I started getting really excited. Anyway the long and short of it is, after days and days of consulting with people, looking at flights and hotels, I am now going to New York with my mother, and then on to spend five days with Kerry in New Orleans, and this is happening in March! I am so excited I can't put it in to words, and when I had finally booked all the flights and hotels I just screamed and bounced around for ages, along with my mother who is also equally as excited as I am. I think she's a little nervous about flying home by herself but she'll be fine if she doesn't think about it. So yes, the USA, here I come!!!!! In NY we're staying in a hotel in Greenwich village so we're at the centre of everything, and in New Orleans I'm staying near the French Quarter, and Kerry will be staying with me. She's already started planning what we're going to do with the time we have, which leaves me to think about what I'm going to do in New York. I definitely want to go shopping and to the theatre, any other suggestions are very welcome.

In other news I've started back at uni, and already I feel like I'm five paces behind my life. I don't think i've been on time for any appointment this week and I'm dead on my feet. I also decided to cut contact with DL on Friday because I didn't feel that her calling me everyday was doing her any good. It was terribly hard to do, but I think it's for the best. I spoke with her briefly online yesterday and she sounds much better and more positive so I think it was a step in the right direction. I'm also learning a lot about myself and the relationships I make during this whole process, not only with DL, but with others also. Last night i lost a person who I considered to be a friend, because all of a sudden the connection we had is lost. I'm not sure if it's me with the emotional issues, or her, or both. I do know that I am in the process of grieving for what I lost with DL, and also healing and putting myself back together again. Time is a great healer, I do honestly believe that. It's also snowing here, for the firsst time in ages, which is pretty if not a pain in the ass. I've already been out today throwing snowballs at the dog, she loves it! She chases them and then eats them when she catches them, bless her. So yes, that's my news, only five more weeks and then I'm going trans atlantic!

Sunday, February 04, 2007

The way I feel

This song reflects the way I feel at the moment... I just wanted to share it.

Baby you pretend that things aint what they seem
All this tension , titling just exactly what we should be
Baby I dont mind us being some kinda casual thing
Listen all I want to do for now is have you come and take all of me,Can you

Put your hands on my waistline
Want your skin up against mine
Move my hips to the baseline
Let me get mine you get yours
Hang a please dont disturb sign
I'll put my back into a slow grind
Runnin chills up and down my spine
Let me get mine you get yours

If you see me with a woman understand that you can't question me
The feelings that you caught aint my fault I cant help your jealousy
If you can handle the fact that what we have has got to beCommitment free
then we can keep this undercover lovin comminHidden underneath the sheets.Can you

Put your hands on my wasteline
Want your skin up against mine
Move my hips to the baseline
Let me get mine you get yours
Hang a please don't disturb sign
I'll put my back into a slow grind
Runnin' chills up and down my spine
Let me get mine you get yours

So come on and freak my body
we can get nasty naughty
All night a private party
Gotta hit that spot just right
Work me like a 9 to 5
It aint about the kissin and huggin
cause this is a physical lovin
Straight sweatin our bodies are rubbin
Gotta hit that spot just right
work me like a 9 to 5

We have a physical thing
We make love, but dont fall in love
Let me get mine you get yours
We spend time
Just enough so you get yours, and I get mine
No strings attached
I want your body
Not your heart

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Privacy in the bloggersphere

I've just read two posts by two separate bloggers, Trinity2 and Droma on this issue, and I have to say I totally agree. Recently I have grown to feel quite uncomfortable about who might be reading my blog, as you well know. I have no problem with friends reading because I'm not the bitchy type and don't really say things on here that I wouldn't say to them in person, but when it comes to people I'm interested in, or people i'm dating I really don't like the fact that they read. For certain people it can't be helped, I will say that I am involved in one way or another with certain people who have blogs themselves, and who I met through the blogging world, and so i can understand why they choose to read because I in turn read what they write. But I have to say when I found out that HBS reads my blog, I was more bothered about it than I admitted at the time, because I hadn't chosen to give her the address. Obviously I know strangers read who stumble across it, but when it's some one i'm potentially interested in dating or whatever it's a totally different ball game. The truth is, I feel like I have to watch what I'm saying on here because certain people read, and I shouldn't have to do that. Yes I admit I advertise my blog on various websites and i make no secret about the fact that I have one, and if people do want to read it's their choice. But I really do regret being so open about it, and wish I'd thought more carefully about my privacy. For me my blog is a journal, it was meant to be a cathartic experience where i could be honest and get things off my mind and I still want to keep it that way for as long as I can. I have considered restricting access to invited readers only, but I know that a lot of you read and don't comment or make yourselves known, and I would hate to cut you off like that. So, we'll see how it goes, but it is a growing problem.

On a lighter note, i forgot to mention that January 14th saw the first birthday of my blog. The archives don't go back that far on here because I started off on livejournal and haven't managed to backdate to the beginning yet, but yes, my blog is now a year and a few weeks old, This is the longest time i've kept a journal for, and that's why the issue I've raised here is so very important to me, because I don't want to stop writing or start over again somewhere else. And please don't think i'm ungreatful, I've met some wonderful people through blogging and I really appreciate the comments that get left here, but if you decide you can't resist my charms and want to wine me, dine me and... well you know the rest, for goodness sake, stop reading!!! haha.