Saturday, November 03, 2007

Disasterous evening!

Oh my fucking God, my worst nightmare just happened...

I went in to town this morning to meet my friend Col who I haven't seen in about three years. We were good friends when we were at college together but drifted apart when she got a boyfriend and hadn't really kept in touch. But recently through the wonders of facebook she had looked me up and we've been chatting. So today I went to meet her and it was actually great to catch up and see how she's doing. She's a diabetic and had gone in to renal faliure and has been on dialysis for some time now which was quite a shock. She's doing ok though and doesn't seem to be letting it stop her from doing much. We had lunch together and at about two I got a call from Cherry to ask what time she should come over. She mentioned that she was really hung over and hadn't gotten in until 6 this morning from a night out but said she was just getting up and we agreed she'd come over at around 7 or 8. I left Col at around three and on my way home I stopped at the supermarket to buy croissants, strawberries and some wine. I came home, cleaned the flat, put fresh sheets on the bed, put new batteries in the toys I thought we might use, showered and moisturised, put on sexy underwear and perfume and was just getting ready to start cooking dinner when the door bell rang. My God she's early, I thought, but excited all the same I ran to open the door. And you'll never believe who was there. The weird woman from downstairs. I couldn't believe it, my face must have been an absolute picture, and I was so shocked that before I knew what was happening she had pushed past me and was taking a tour of my flat. I stood in the living room, my hands on my hips, a look of complete bewilderment mixed with outrage on my face. When I didn't offer to make her a cup of tea she said, "have I called at a bad time?"
"Well actually yes you have," I said. "I'm having a friend round for dinner and she'll be here any minute."
"Oh," she said, and still didn't make any move to leave. She'd been talking about something or other for a couple of minutes when my mobile rang. This is where it gets worse because it was Cherry saying that she'd been throwing up all day and couldn't get out of bed, and could we reskedule for tomorrow. I felt kind of awful on the phone because although I was obviously gutted that she wasn't coming round, I was more mortified that the woman from downstairs could hear every word of my conversation, and I could almost feel the pleasure coming off her. When I ended the call she said, "Oh, is your friend not coming anymore?"
"No," I said through gritted teeth, and she sat down. So I had no choice other than to put the kettle on and make a cup of tea, to which she followed me in to the kitchen and told me exactly how she liked her tea, and because I didn't make it strong enough the first time around she would very much like a second cup. By this time I was beside myself. I just wanted her to leave and she wouldn't stop talking, and I was sitting on the floor chanting in my head, "please fuck off! Please fuck off!" Over and over again. She stayed for two whole excruciatingly long and painful hours. I've found out more than I needed to know about her personal life. Apparently she is not gay but has always been curious about lesbians, she is very highly sexed and likes men with big cocks, her current lover doesn't have enough staminer, she likes anal sex, she has slept with "many men", and she even started to hint at going on to the internet to look at porn on my lap top that was sitting on the table in front of her. Why oh why oh why do I always attract the weirdos? When she was leaving she asked for my number, and I gave it to her and took hers because at least then I thought, I can see when she's trying to call me. The problem with this building though is that if you knock on some one's door you can hear if they are in if they have music or the TV on which I usually do, so if she just decides to come calling like she did tonight, I'm fucked! On her departure she lingered in the door way, saying, "well, goodbye then," over and over, I think she wanted a hug or some kind of physical acknowledgement, but I just stood there willing her not to touch me and started to close the door. I had just called my mum to tell her what had happened when the doorbell rang again. With my heart pounding I stood stock still not even daring to breathe, holding the dog's collar trying to keep her from moving and making a noise, hoping that she would go away. When the bell rang again a few minutes later, I called out through the door and she said that she hadn't inputted my number correctly in to her phone. So I gave it to her through the door, and firmly said, "goodnight then," the door staying well and truly locked. I listened and heard her standing in the corridor for some time messing around with her phone, before she slowly moved off. What on earth am I going to do now? I have a fucking weird, lonely, very apparently psychologically unbalanced woman in my building who seems to have taken a liking to me.
And what is more, I am not getting laid tonight, and the food and the sexy underwear and crisp clean sheets are all untouched, and I am extremely pissed off!

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