Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Changing, staying the same

Ok, so I haven't changed blogs just yet, I'm still debating the matter, so in the meantime here's what's been going on in the world of me.

So I finally got all my essays handed in, the last one on the 24th. Can't tell you how good it felt to be done with them all, I spent most of that day being absolutely shattered though and had a long lie in the day after. Last Thursday I went out with a group of friend's from uni which was lovely. We went to a gay club in town and I had a great time. Now I'm the kind of person who never gets a girl in clubs. Whether it's because I don't make eye contact with people and so can't start anything with anyone because it's just too loud to have a conversation, or whether it's simply because i'm not attractive to lesbian clubbers I have no idea, but on this occasion I did! Virtually as soon as we got in there our group was approached by a woman who went round introducing herself and chatting to each of us. I remember thinking it must be wonderful to be so confident that you can walk up to a group of strangers and just start a conversation and I admired her for that. She came over to me and we started talking and dancing, and I remember thinking she was reasonably atractive. Then she said she was there with her friend, and introduced her to me, and oh my, her friend was lovely. She said she's recently split from her girlfriend and was on a night out, so we were in a similar situation which was good. We were chatting and dancing and she made sure I always had a full glass which was lovely. I said to S, a gay male friend of mine how lovely she was, and apparently she had also said similar to him, so we kind of got pushed together and left to dance away from the group. So you know what came next, she asked if she could kiss me and I said yes, and we spent the rest of the evening dancing, talking and kissing and it was soooo nice. She was a fantastic kisser and that's important to me, if a girl can't kiss propperly it puts me right off. By the end of the night we had exchanged numbers and she's texted me asking me out on a date, so we're going some time next week. I'm really looking forward to it. I also received lots of comments about how amazing my breasts are from several different women which was a major high point for me. I should wear that red top more often.

On the Friday, DL arrived for the weekend. I can't remember whether I mentioned she was coming, but she wanted to collect the rest of her things and to catch up with friends in sheffield, so she stayed for the weekend. All in all we had a nice time. It was emotional for both of us, but we didn't really fight that much and we went shopping and out for food and i cooked a lot and we generally just spent time together inn between her catching up with her friends. I did however fuck up, and yes, I know I fucked up, without anyone else passing comment, including DL's best friend who decided to lay in to me verbally yesterday. The truth is, when she arrived on Friday night, we were both feeling emotional, we'd missed each other and so we ended up in bed together. I have to say that I regretted it as soon as it'd happened, and when we discussed it I told her so and that it didn't feel right because we are no longer together. For the most part she agreed, so I'm noping it's provided some closure for us both now. When she left yesterday morning she was very emotional and we don't plan to see each other for a while now, to give us both and especially her space and time to move on. So that's it, it's done, over, finito, and the physical stuff will most certainly NOT happen again.

Other than that, I'm out every night this week doing various different things, including going for drinks with friends tomorrow and out on Friday for a friend's birthday. A school friend, the one I'm hopefully going to go and visit in China in March is possibly coming to stay for a couple of days too, and it'll be great to see her and catch up on her hectic life. In terms of the grrl front, I obviously have a date next week, I'm meeting up with a spanish woman who I met through the local lesbian group for coffee, I might be having another visitor the weekend after this one and one woman is being a bit too full on while another is backing off. I'm not naming names. So... we'll see how it goes. Right now I'm off to get breakfast and have a lazy day in my pajamas.

Monday, January 29, 2007

New Blog

ok people, for various reasons I've decided to create a new blog. So if you want to continue reading, please leave a comment with your email address, and I will send you the new link. I have enabled comment moderation so you're email addresses won't actually appear here.
For those who I will leave at this point, goodbye and good luck, although i hope to take most of you with me.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Up in the clouds and back down to earth

Yesterday. What can I say about yesterday…
My my, it was both nerve wracking and amazingly exciting all at the same time. By seven thirty in the morning I was on a train to London, sleepy eyed and with my purse weighing a lot lighter than I’d hoped, having been charged almost three times the price for a train ticket than usual because of the time I was travelling. I don’t know what I did to pass the time, in fact I didn’t do much of anything, just sat in anticipation for two hours thinking about the day ahead. It was pouring down with rain when I eventually emerged from St Pancras station to get a cab, and by the time I arrived at the place where the tests were taking place somewhere in Holborn I was a little rain sodden and my feet were starting to cause me agony in the boots I was wearing. None of this bothered me too much though, I was too nervous and excited to think about the rain or the pain, and I had another heart stopping moment when the woman at the desk of the very official looking building asked for my passport, which I didn’t have with me. It didn’t cause too many problems though and within minutes I was through and sitting in the warmest room ever, getting ready to start the tests.

All I can say about the tests is that you were expected to take in a hell of a lot of information and complete a hell of a lot of tasks in a very very short space of time. I think you had to be a master mind, whiz, genious person to get them done and get everything right, and by the time I’d finished I had the sinking feeling that I might have screwed them up.

Testing over I escaped to find lovely HBS waiting for me, and as it was just before three we decided to do lunch instead of dinner. Lunch was lovely, both the food and the company, we chatted and flirted, and she got much amusement out of sliding her leg up mine under the table and watching me falter mid sentence and be transfixed by the feeling of her. Sometimes I wish my face wasn’t like a book, because if I’m incredibly attracted to some one I just can’t hide it very well at all. I was greatly embarrassed at one point when, having told me something about what her pants had written on them she then laughed and said, “you’ve got that glint in your eye again”. Haha I was mortified, is it really that obvious? I guess so. I also found out that through our mutual friend she now knows the location of my blog, which I have mixed feelings about but I’m going to carry on regardless, it’s up to her if she wants to read.
Anyway, after lunch we had a mooch around for a while and then took the bus to Hyde park, on which I changed out of my boots in to a pair of her trainers which she very kindly offered because of my aching feet. I must have looked ridiculous in a smart skirt and shirt with trainers on too but by that point I was passed caring and it meant we could walk around without any hastle. As we entered the park it started to rain again lightly and I let Una go free and she thought that was great. We found a bench to sit on, and without being too descriptive the gentle rain mixed with the electricity between us made me forget about the cold entirely and I think all in all we spent too blissful hours just being. When the cold did eventually get the better of us and Una was standing looking at us as if to say, “ok, I’ve had a run around, I’ve sniffed every tree, I’m bored now,” we headed for the nearest starbucks to warm up. After that we went to the station and I got the next train home and promptly fell in to bed and in to an exhausted but happy sleep.

Yesterday, spending time with HBS was truly wonderful, and it was worth travelling to London just to see her and spend some time together. I loved sitting across from her having lunch, I loved the way she discretely touched my leg or my hand, and the way she leant on my shoulder and the way we kissed, and the way she reacted to my caresses. I loved the excited feeling I got when I was with her and I loved listening to her talk on and on about the places she loves best in London, about all her memories and about some of the amazing and selfless people she’s met on busses and in cafes. I also love the possibility of becoming a part of all that, I know Hyde park holds special meaning for me now especially, and the thought of all the possibilities of what we will do and the places we’ll go makes me smile. And yet, in the minutes when we just held each other yesterday and I relaxed in to her and breathed in her cent and felt her body close to mine, and even on the train back home last night when thinking about her I had mixed feelings. The truth is I want to fight the things I feel when I’m with her, because I can’t and don’t want to become too attached to her. Don’t get me wrong I’m really not looking for anything serious, and I know that neither is she, especially not with another woman, but I wish I could tell my heart not to jump when she calls or when I’m near her, and my body not to respond in such a way to her touch. I’m really being honest about things and that’s because I know I have to keep my distance to some extent and not become too emotionally involved. Afterall, whatever we do is just some casual fun and I know that, but I wish I didn’t feel so alive and happy during the times we’re just talking or having coffee. Also, she told me that her ex partner, a guy knew what was going on between us, and although I don’t think that I’m playing an unknowing part in some fantasy between the two of them I can’t help being slightly worried. I guess my past experience with straight women has taught me a lot, and one thing especially is to be on my guard and not become vulnerable to getting hurt because I’ve let my feelings run away with me. I guess I just have to keep a check on myself, and if I find that I’m getting too involved I’ll have to back away because she’s most certainly the kind of woman I could become addicted too.

I knew that butterfly feeling I had continually throughout yesterday couldn’t last long however, because I found out today that I failed the tests and so haven’t gotten through to the next stage of the job application. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t absolutely gutted, I’d set my sights on getting in and I also had something to work towards with my degree because I needed a certain mark to be considered for the job. Now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet, and where I thought I might have had a relatively certain future in terms of a job, I’m now back to where I started. That’s struggling to finish a degree I’ve come to dislike, having to move out of my flat by the end of June and not knowing where the hell I’m going to live or what I’m going to do to support myself. One thing’s for sure I am not going to live back with my parents. Realistically I know it’s not the end of the world not getting this job, I just really really wanted it. So now I’m going to look in to other stuff to apply for and all being well I’ll apply for the job again next year when hopefully I’ll be better prepared.
Now I’m off to write yet another fucking essay!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

slimming, shopping, suits and... flowers!

I got flowers today for the first time in ages! I was in the middle of brushing my teeth when the buzzer rang. My immediate thought was, "fuck, i haven't emptied the post box for about a week, so it's probably the post man with letters he can't post!" I was dressed though which makes a change, I usually answer the door to the post man in my dressing gown. Anyway, it was a woman who said, "I have a delivery of flowers for Miss *** ***", and so I got all excited and while going to the door pondered the possibilities of who they could be from. It turns out they were from sweet and thoughtful DL, wishing me good luck for tomorrow's interview thingie, and they even came with a vase and everything!

Last night I joined slimming world *groan*. Actually I don't think it's going to be as bad as all that, there's loads of stuff they call free foods that you can eat as much as you want of, so I can fill up on those. Oh well we'll see how it goes. There were women there though who had lost like six pounds in one week, so I'm slightly terrified at the thought of having my weight loss or gain read out to everyone next week. I also spoke to the woman in charge about getting the book either on disk or in braille so that I can work out my food plan, and as far as the braille was concerned she tried to make it appear as though she knew what she was talking about, and failed miserably. So I just smiled and told her to try and get it on disk or in a word document or something and she seemed relieved. I should call her though and tell her what braille is and that you can't download it off the internet as she seemed to think, that way she'll know for next time.

Today my dad is coming to visit, when he eventually arrives lol, and we're going shopping. I need to buy a new CD rack as I have more CD's than rack space so have to get a bigger one. I also have to go food shopping and then go and buy myself a suit. It's not the end of the world if I don't find one today, I have smart clothes i can go in tomorrow, but I'm gonna need one for all the job interviews I'll be going to over the next few months, (she says hopefully), so I figured I might as well go and see what I can get. I am definitely, I said definitely, going to bed early tonight as I have to be up early tomorrow. I haven't made it to bed before one in the morning for the past three weeks, and it has to stop because I'm wasting my mornings sleeping and then trying desperately to wake my brain up. Wish me luck for tomorrow! Uhg, was that my stomach rumbling?

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Heart stopping moments!

I certainly know I have a heart...
on account that it did a lot of fluttering when talking to HBS and arranging our weekend and her telling me how badly she wants me, and also meeting up for dinner next week when I'm in London, heeheeheeheehee, *squeaks excitedly*. God I want to wrip her clothes off! Ahem! Getting back to the subject which is my heart, it also nearly failed me twice yesterday too.

The first phone call I had was from DL informing me that she'd gone out the night before and done everything concerning alcohol, women and illegal substances that she'd always sworn she'd never do. We'd been talking on and off on the phone throughout the week, and I think that her night of craziness was due to the last conversation we had, a couple of hours before she went out. The truth is she's not been dealing with our separation very well, and is trying desperately to cling to anything that vaguely resembles some kind of relationship. I've spent countless hours this week trying to explain to her why, although we may still find one another attractive, it is definitely a bad idea to continue having sex as she would like, and how it's absolutely not going to happen because I would like to salvage some kind of a friendship and that would ruin it. This is speaking from past experience, I almost ruined what is now a very close friendship with an ex girlfriend because we continued having sex after the break up, and I'm damned sure that's not going to happen again! So in the conversation before she went out, I told her this flatly and after trying delicately for ages to explain that she needs to try and heel rather than clinging to the past, I told her very bluntly that it was over and that she needed to get a grip and stop inventing feelings for me that I simply do not have. Don't get me wrong, I love her very deeply, we shared an intense, very emotionally close relationship for the best part of two years, and so I will always have a strong attachment to her, but I have no regrets in ending things and I think we're better off as friends. Anyway hearing this put plainly she didn't really like, and so I think that's why she went off the rails a bit. I know that when I write it down here, it seems like I'm being a bitch, but I honestly don't know what else to do. We're not going to get back together, and I think I'd be doing her more harm if I lead her on to believe that, rather than being honest with her. I think she'll be ok, she just wants to feel better overnight and we all know that it doesn't happen like that, it'll take her a while, especially as I was her first love, so she needs to take it one step at a time.

Anyway, her night of madness wasn't the heart stopping moment although I was surprised, but that I can deal with. What did frighten the hell out of me was when she told me she'd found something on her body that could potentially be very serious. I don't want to go into too much detail as of yet, but I told her to stop being parallised with fear and to go and see the doctor and get it checked out to be on the safe side. I think three women in her family have previously had the illness so she's always had this innate fear she too will one day get it. So I'm calling her on Monday to see if she went to the doctor and i'm willing fate or whatever is up there in the sky to let her be ok.

The second shock of the day came in the form of an email from a very close friend of mine saying that she needed to talk. I called her back and although she wasn't very free to talk she explained that there's a chance she might be pregnant, having slipped up more than once in a short space of time. This friend A comes from a very strict background and I think her family would be less than impressed if she was pregnant, B she has the chance of a very good career ahead of her and C, she doesn't want children at this stage. So I again told her to go and see the doctor and get tested, which will hopefully come back negative and then to go on the contraceptive pill. If it is positive and she does turn out to be pregnant, well then I'll help her in whatever way I can.

So today I refuse to answer any calls or open my email inbox, as my heart needs a rest. Haha, only kidding, but seriously, no more big surprises this weekend, please?

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Wanking, work and, what to wear?!

Yes, as you can probably gather from the title, I've wasted far too many hours with my hands in my own pants, rather than some one else's this week...
I don't know what it is about getting laid, but when I know it's there on a plate, like when I'm in a relationship for example, I don't get as horny. Yet when I don't know when I'm next gonna get some, I turn in to a freakin nymph! I really have had a one track mind this week, and have continually had to take breaks from writing the most boring essays in the world to retire to the bedroom and open my box of tricks. Last week I thought my lady bits were going to heel up because I was starting to forget what sex was like, going a month without any, this week I think they might drop off! Anyway, enough about my twinkie...

So what else has happened? Well, on Monday my new flatmate moved in. She's called A, she's 27, straight and has a full time job and a boyfriend. I think I've only seen her for maybe two hours in total since she got here, she's either at work or with her boyf which suits me fine to be honest. It's certainly a worry off my mind that the other half of the rent is getting paid, although I do have to keep reminding myself that I'm living with a relative stranger, and not walk around the flat in the nude. I got the shock of my life yesterday, I'd just gotten out of the shower and was sitting on the bed with the door open, naked and brushing my hair, when the front door opened and in she came. I had to jump up and quickly close the door, and thankfully I don't think she saw anything. Other than that I've been trying to concentrate on essays all week, I'm starting to go a bit mad but I have two and a half left to write and so need to keep the pace up if I have any hope of them being at all decent.

Tomorrow night I'm taking S and M out for a meal to say thank you for letting me live there for a month, and I just hope they don't take the piss and have house wine and all, which I can well imagine them doing if they know that some one else is paying. On Saturday I'm meeting up with Kim, and then next Wednesday I'm going to London for the day for a job assessment, for which I have nothing to wear. I have no idea what to put on, I don't have time to go shopping, and if I remember rightly my smart black trousers are on the tight side. So it might end up being my brown skirt with brown suede boots and a top I haven't decided on yet. I'm also hopefully going to be meeting HBS for dinner that evening before heading back to Sheffield fingers crossed.

I've also done well this week in terms of cooking for myself, I've made a real effort not to live off meals for one. So on Tuesday I made roast chicken with pasta, vegitables and sauce, and tonight I made Prawn Kedgeree which was prawns cooked with chili, currey paste, lime juice, onions, spring onions, corianda, parcely, garlic and a little butter, served with rice. Yummie!

Ok, guess I'd better get back to work, if I really, really must.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Honesty is the best policy?

I have come to a decision...
I set up this blog, almost exactly a year ago, and it was meant to be a space where I could share my deepest thoughts and feelings, worries, hopes, fantasies, dreams, basically everything about me that I can't necessarily put in to words in my everyday life. It was meant to be a space just for me, somewhere I could be honest, a private space where I shouldn't have to sensor anything I write. But I did what I'm sure many other bloggers do, that is get all enthusiastic about having a blog and tell those closest to you about it. Since DL and I hplit up, there have been certain things I wanted to write about here, but have been afraid to because I know she still reads. But I've done a lot of thinking, and I've decided that it's pointless changing the address of my blog, because she knows me well enough to find it. So, from here on in, I am going to be honest about what is happening in my life. Granted I will try and be as sensitive as possible because I do not want to hurt anyone at all, but at the end of the day it is up to certain parties involved to decide whether they want to continue reading about what is my single life, and consequently the relationships or liaisons I may form from now on. So here goes, I am breaking my silence. Writing about what is going on in my life is a major outlet for me, and if I can't do this openly and honestly, well then I might as well stop blogging altogether.

Since ending my relationship with DL I have done some sole searching.
Is there such a thing as a solemate?
If so, is DL mine, or does she lie in another woman altogether?
Are we meant to be with one person throughout our lives, or is it the case that there are certain people who are right for us at certain times?
All these questions I honestly cannot answer, and I know I'm starting to sound like Carrie from Sex in the bloody city writing this! But it is precisely because I can't find the answers to these questions, and because I don't want to get involved and hurt again that I have decided to avoid relationships like the plague for a while and stay single. This does not mean in a physical sense, but certainly from an emotional one as far as I can manage. I've never written as high maintenance femme the single woman, because I was with DL when I started the blog, but for me, being single means not getting emotionally attached to one particular woman, and having lots of no strings attached fun. Well, as much as comes my way anyway... There are a couple of women I am interested in persuing physical relationships with, and hopefully I'll get to share more of that with you as things progress. I do however want to talk about one womanin particular, who for privacy's sake I will call HBS.

HBS until recently was a friend of a friend. If i'm honest, I was attracted to her physically from the moment I met her, but we both had partners and so I never intended to do anything about it. But, at the same time that I split from DL, she split from her partner too. I knew she was attracted to me, she'd told our mutual friend so several times before. Until now she's only ever been with one person, who was a man, but she had expressed some interest in having an experience with a woman, having always been attracted to them. Anyway, we got talking online one evening, and we crossed a line we hadn't previously crossed. We both confessed our mutual attraction towards one another, and both stated that we weren't looking for anything at all serious. So we arranged to meet over xmas when I was in London to see how things went, and kept in contact via the internet until then.

Again at this point I feel inhibited about talking about when we met at christmas, but what I will say is that we spent some time together, mainly surrounded by other people, and the sexual tention between us was incredible. We were never alone long enough to get very far, but we did kiss, and both established that we definitely wanted more to happen. And so, with a bit of luck, she is coming to visit in a few weeks time, and we'll see what happens... I am conscious that she is fundamentally straight, and I keep reminding myself that it'll more than likely be a one off. I am however, rather looking forward to it, however brief it may be...

So that's my main confession, and I feel much better having written about it. I just hope certain party's either don't read about it, or find it in themselves to understand that I have needs, and having been separated for two months now, I think it is time I started rebuilding my life.

Reflections and Resolutions

Reflections and resolutions

Last year ran out before I managed to make a post to summerise the highs and lows, so I’m combining it with a post about this year’s resolutions…

I have just gritted my teeth and took the dreaded step on to the weighing scales, and I am 7 lbs lighter than I was this time last year, about four lbs of which was put back on over xmas. Therefore, I did manage to keep the losing weight resolution, even if only to a minor degree.
I also Went on two wonderful trips, the first being a holiday in Tunisia with DL, the second was going to Africa for a month alone where I was fortunate enough to have some of the most amazing experiences of my life: visiting the Victoria Falls, meeting some of the lovliest and most humble people, walking with the king of beasts, riding on an elephant, boating on the Zambezi river, visiting two African countries, Zambia and Zimbabwe, to name but a few.
I grew another year older and hopefully wiser with friends and family by my side.
I didn’t lose anyone close to me to death, although I do know of at least three women who have sadly been diagnosed with cancer, one of which passed away. I also came in to contact with many sufferers of HIV in Africa, and so I am forever thankful for my good health.
On returning from Africa I was blessed with who is now one of the most important things in my life, that is my beautiful, faithful and extremely intelligent guide dog Una, who has changed my life completely!
In October DL and I celebrated two years of being together, and in November I ended the relationship. I have learned so much from this relationship, it has given me both some of the happiest and most painful moments of my life.
I learned a lot about myself last year, some things good, other things I don’t like and want to change. I certainly grew more confident and self assured, and consequently my attitude this year is if I want something, I will go out and get it!
I also completed another year of my degree and am now on the final stretch, which seems to be the hardest because of my lack of enthusiasm for studying.
I also applied for several jobs, at least one of which I hope to be offered this year.

Those are the reflections, the resolutions are…
Lose at least a stone in weight.
Enjoy being single for a while, making time for me.
Have as much fun as possible along the way.
Make the most of my new found confidence and zest for life.
Go to China, and possibly the USA.
If possible, move to London.
Work harder than I have been doing.
Try harder to keep in touch with friends that I have neglected, and let them know just how important they are.

Think that should keep me going, don’t you?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

New year, fresh start

Let me start by wishing all of you a very happy new year, I hope 2007 brings happiness for you all!

My first post of the new year is sadly going to be a short one, simply because I am too tired to write at length. I did want to fill you in on the basics though...
New year's eve was lovely, I welcomed the new year in with some of my closest friends and a good time was had by all. On new year's day I went over to DL's parents' for a roast dinner, and to stay the night as we were driving back to Sheffield yesterday. When we got up in the morning DL was extremely upset at the thought of going back and having to move out, so we spent some time discussing her options. The decision was eventually made that she wouldn't remain in sheffield, but quit her job and move back to live with her parents in London, mainly because of her emotional state at present. So DL and her mum drove me back home and took some of DL's things, and left. It was a lot more emotional than I thought it would be, when it was time for her to go I was choking back the tears and when she said goodbye we were both crying. On the positive side of things I have managed to find a suitable flatmate who I will refer to from now on as A. She came round last night to view the flat and said she'd like to move in straight away, and that the end of January, which was when DL said she'd be out by was too far away. I'm not going to go in to detail, but this caused quite a lot of unpleasantness between DL and I, because I wanted her to come get her stuff as soon as and sign over the tennancy agreement, otherwise I would be left with no flatmate and would have been up shit's creek. Eventually after a lot of fighting and tears etc she agreed to come this Friday with a van and move all her things out, so that A can move in on Monday. All day today my mum has been here helping me reorganise the flat so that I have all my stuff in one bedroom alone, so that it's fine for A to move her things in, and again this has caused ructions because I moved some of DL's things. She wanted us to do it together, but to be perfectly honest, it's just far too painful and I want it over and done with so that we can both move on. It mmay sound heartless, but today has been horendous, trying to separate our things, and that's without her even being here. I just couldn't have faced it. So all she has to do on Friday is check I've gathered everything of hers together and load up the van, rather than spending all day going through the entire flat. Maybe I should have waited for her, but I feel that up until now I couldn't have been any more curteous than I have been: I moved out for a month, I put up with snide comments from her family, a lot of emotional grief from DL herself, and it just has to stop. As soon as Friday has been and gone, I'll be able to start rebuilding my life, without her as my partner, I think I've waited long enough in limbo. I can't explain how emotionally drained I am, it'll be an absolute miricle if I don't fuck up my degree because of all this, I don't know how I'm supposed to write constructive essays when my entire being is one big mass of pain. I do know though, that in time it'll ease, and the only way I can start to heel is when I've put some distance between DL and everything that is hers.

So, here's to a fresh start...!