Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Home is where I lay my hat

I’m not going to go in to the details of the stressfulness of what it’s like looking for somewhere to live in the capital, but it is surficed to say that this last couple of weeks have been one of the most stressful times of my life. I’ve been to view properties where people outrightly false advertise, I’ve been turned down countless times because I have the dog, I’ve searched and searched until last weekend I was contemplating having to move back up north because I was going to become homeless if I stayed here. Thankfully due to the wonderful strength of my friends and the support they gave me I managed to stick with it, and on the last day I had to look for places I got a studio flat in west London which I’m moving in to to tomorrow. I can’t tell you how relieved I am, plus utterly exhausted, as I’ve been working, on a training course for a few days, plus had an interview for another job in the meantime. So I’m off to bed and will write more as soon as I have the net up and running at the new place, just wanted to stick my head around the door to let you know I’m still here and doing ok. And hugs to everyone up north, I miss you and love you all very much, and I’ll be popping up very soon for a night out and hugs!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Sounding off

Forgive this post, it’s more for my own peace of mind than anything else, and I’m hoping that writing it will help me lay the situation to rest a little.

Apparently some of the things I’ve said in my blog have offended BB. Some of these things I totally didn’t mean to come across as offensive, like calling the stuff with her ex, “her shit”, and others were written because they were how I felt at the time. Anyway, my writing and her reading has resulted in her being very angry and upset and now she isn’t talking to me. I think one thing I’m beginning to realise since starting a blog is that sometimes things come across in a way I don’t want them too when I write them down, and I forget that those who read don’t actually see the whole picture, only what I choose to share on here. I think that sometimes I come across as a bit of a bitch when totally not meaning too, and I’m not bitchy in the slightest, hopefully those who see me in my everyday life can testify to that. But this situation with BB has really bothered me and still is because it isn’t resolved, so here’s what I think of it.

I met BB within a few days of us exchanging messages. When we spoke on the phone I immediately knew there was a connection there because like I said before I could have spoken to her all night. She wanted to meet the very next day and because I took a real liking to her I agreed and we went on a date, and the rest is history. But in the few weeks I’ve known her I’ve felt such a tumult of emotions it’s affected me in a big way. The first night we spent together was totally amazing as we all know and it completely blew me away. It wasn’t just about the sex, it was the chemistry, the emotional intensity I felt, basically she made me feel loved even though we weren’t in love and that was something very special that I don’t find with many people at all. So after that she was on my mind a hell of a lot, and we spent the next few days exchanging texts and emails and I got butterflies every time I heard from her. I was aware that there was stuff going on with her ex, they were trying to sort out either a friendship or getting back together, one or the other, and I was prepared for that. But during that week BB called me and said they’d had a huge fight and that they weren’t getting back together and that she felt relieved. I did warn her she’d probably feel totally different the next day because I’d been through the same situation with DL and know full well how hard it is to break up when you love some one so much. The next time I saw BB she came over for dinner, and again I was aware that she had counceling with her ex the day after. I honestly think we shouldn’t have met up that day because it did affect everything, plus I was extra emotional being on my period. Anyway it all kind of fell apart, BB got upset and so did I, mainly because I knew her mind was somewhere else while she was with me. Anyway she ended up leaving and I felt totally shitty and sat and cried for ages after she went home and that feeling lasted all the next day. I got a text from her in the morning asking me to give her another chance, saying that she was sorry she upset me and to please let her see me again. At that point I really wasn’t sure I wanted to see her again, because I knew that what she was feeling about her ex was effecting everything she was doing. But there was something about her that got under my skin and in spite of myself I found myself texting her saying let’s just put it behind us and start again. That weekend we were texting and I didn’t stop thinking about her throughout, and I suggested having coffee on Sunday afternoon. She said that was fine, that she really wanted to see me and to give her a couple of hours to get stuff done. So I didn’t plan anything for that day and pottered around the house waiting for her to text. The afternoon drew on and I began to get the feeling she wasn’t going to, and I started getting more and more pissed off. It wasn’t so much the fact that we weren’t meeting, just that she kept me hanging all day only to tell me at around four pm that she didn’t want to meet afterall. We were supposed to be meeting the following Monday evening to go to a concert together, and while I was at work I again got a message from her saying she wasn’t in the mood to go. So I asked if she wanted to do something else, i.e. are we still meeting up, and she didn’t really sound bothered which again offended me, but again I knew she wasn’t feeling great because of the whole ex issue. I should also mention she is trying to get pregnant and is having fertility treatment which isn’t going to plan, so all this was playing on her mind and so I was trying to make allowances. Baring in mind I’m not the kind of person who lets herself get fucked around by anyone, and if it had been anyone else I’d have broken contact after she made me feel shitty that second night. But there was something about her that I couldn’t leave alone. So that Monday night I went over and we talked, and decided to keep it at friends and to have casual fun when we felt like it, which I was fine with. The next couple of days I got really nice texts from her, like I mentioned in my last post she said I was amazing etc, plus she was taking the time to look for property for me which to me showed that she was thinking of me and that she cared what happened to me. Then on the Thursday I suggested we have some fun and didn’t get a response. I know now that the whole thing was bad timing, her head is fucked in terms of her previous relationship and she needs time to work out what she wants. I just let my feelings for her get in the way and yes I did feel disappointed when she cancelled, or didn’t respond when I suggested meeting up, even if only to say no.

So now she’s not talking to me, and she hasn’t even given me a proper chance to explain how I feel. I know she’s not really in the mood to hear anything I’ve got to say because of her own situation, but I know she thinks I was just paying lip service to the problems she’s having in order to get what I wanted, and that really wasn’t the case. The truth of the matter is that this woman has gotten under my skin no matter how much I didn’t want it to happen. I don’t know what it is about her that bugs me, but there’s something, and I basically tried to explain this when we were emailing the other day and she just waved it away because she’s so angry. When I write it all down here the whole thing just seems ridiculous. I’ve only known her a couple of weeks and it’s been a complete rollercoaster with more drops than highs, but I can’t stop her appearing in my thoughts, and I can’t stop wishing she’d text or call so we could sort this whole stupid mess out. I just want that connection back, I want her to be how she was when we first met, I want to feel that thing that was between us, that firey passion that made me give everything up to her that night, the tenderness she showed towards me and the care in the way she handled me. I know that’s not going to happen because of her relationship situation, but I at least wish she’d talk to me so that I could explain that I’m not a horrible selfish person who only thinks about getting what she wants, and I wasn’t being intentionally horrible and that all I want is for us to get on and spend some time together even if just as friends. I sound so silly, I know I do, she’s just really got to me and I feel like I can’t lay it to rest while she’s reading me in totally the wrong way. Maybe she needs to go away and heel herself before she’s ready to hear what I have to say, or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be at all, who knows. I just wish I could put it out of my mind, it just frustrates me that we’ve gotten off on such a bad footing when I personally think we could be good together, even if it just ends up being friendship. It makes me sad that I could give some one such a bad impression when most of how she perceives me isn’t at all the person I am, and it’s also ironic that something that was meant to be casual has got me feeling this way, and some one who I’ve only recently met and don’t even know properly has the ability to make me feel incredible or totally awful. I very strongly believe that every person we meet comes in to our lives for a reason, I wish I could work out why she’s come in to mine, and why I can’t put her out of my head.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Some Good News

While at work today I received some fairly good news. The place I’m working for want to extend my contract for another month. It’s doing something different to what I was originally there for, and it’s only part time, being half days, which is also reflected in the salary, but the good thing is it’ll at least pay rent on a new place to live and having the afternoons off will mean I can job hunt properly, or look for houses if I’m in temporary accommodation. So that cheered me up somewhat, I’m in work until the end of September at least. Feel slightly pissed at myself because last night BB and I were texting quite a bit and it was good to hear from her and just talk about ordinary stuff. At one point she said she’d been telling her best friend how amazing I was, which made me smile, but then I sent her a text today being cheeky and saying I was in the mood for some fun, any chance of getting any, anytime soon. The response I got back was very non committal, and teasingly I replied back that I could always get some one else to fill her spot. She didn’t respond to this at all and I sort of feel mad for putting myself out there again only to be waved away like some annoying child. God I don’t even know why I’m talking about it… On the up side though I’ve been chatting a lot lately with some one I’ve known for about a year now. We’ve never actually met in person, firstly started talking through blogging, then progressed to the phone. Now she lives about an hour away and there’s definite talk of us meeting up soon. Over time we’ve become really good friends, and on top of that we have amazing phone fun, but we stopped talking for a while because I was going through loads of shit with DL and it was effecting how I felt towards her. But we’ve recently reconnected and are becoming close again which is lovely, and I’m curious to see how we’d get on in person. She’s very hesitant about meeting, probably because she’s older and wiser than myself and is therefore being over cautious. Sometimes I get frustrated by this and she knows that, I’ve never been the most patient of people, but when I get settled in my new place she says she’ll come and visit. At the moment I’m enjoying getting both affectionate and smutty texts from her, phone calls that last for hours when I intend them to be minutes, plus she always makes me giggle, and has a way of boosting my mood if I’m feeling crap. At the moment we’re good friends more than anything, but it’s certainly nice to get some attention and to know some one is thinking of me in kind of a romantic way. God what’s wrong with me at the moment? I think the ice may be starting to melt… Anyway I’m waffling, mainly because I don’t have much to do this evening, and I’m trying to distract myself from having yet another session with my new toy that I bought on Saturday, it’s fab! This weekend my mother is coming to visit, which will be… nice, lol. God knows what I’m going to do with her though. And my God I need to get laid, I have to find myself a regular playmate, this is ridiculous!
Sorry that post was mainly random thoughts, it just works out that way sometimes.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Better Days

The three main things that hold life together for me are all going topsy turvey right now. Firstly I still haven’t found a place to live. Was supposed to be going to view a house tonight and when I spoke to the woman living there she sounded lovely and was actually quite flirtatious on the phone. Then she called me today saying that some one had already been to view and had taken the room. If she’d told me others were already going to see it I would have gone last night, but she implied otherwise and declined to say that I had competition, silly me I should have known better, it is London after all. So that put a dampener on my day and I don’t have any other prospective properties to look at either. Two and a half weeks and counting down until I have to vacate my friend’s living room…

The second life change is my job of course, and I’ve been so busy looking for houses I’ve only applied for one job which I don’t think I’ll get. Anyway it’s a viscious circle because even if I do land a job I need somewhere to live, so the housing situation has to come first. I know I can support myself for a few months if I’m without work, but it’s still highly stressful as most land lord’s want working professionals to rent their rooms so they have some security that the rent will get paid. I would pay it of course even if I wasn’t working but how are they to know that I’m reliable when it comes to finances?

The third major balls up is my love life. Things have totally gone off the boil with BB, I don’t really want to talk much about it, but let’s just say her ex is still very much on her mind and it’s making things very complicated. We hooked up last week and she was supposed to stay over, but because she had other stuff on her mind we didn’t really connect and she ended up leaving and I went to bed feeling awful. We’ve spoken since and I’ve made the decision to basically back off and try not to contact her unless she says she wants to meet up. She needs to sort her shit out before she can even think about being with anyone else, casually or otherwise I think. So what I was hoping was going to be a hot as hell, can’t get enough of fucking and spending time with each other situation, based on what it was like the first time has gone ice cold. Shame because there could have been potential there, but I do know how she’s feeling because I was in no position really to think about anyone else when I’d just broken up with DL. Maybe given time she’ll realise what she’s missing, who knows.

So today I’m feeling fed up, stressed out, and to be honest, rather lonely. It’s times like this I do miss having some one to share things with, and I know I’d feel so much better with a little TLC. See, I might be all yeah women this and women that, casual no strings fucks and miss independent, but I do have a softer, more vulnerable side, it’s just afraid to show itself when I know I’ve only got me to rely on. It’s coming out today though. I just want some one to cook me some dinner, run me a hot bath, then take me to bed and release all the tension that’s built up in my body by making love to me tenderly, then hold me and tell me that it’s all going to be fine, and that I’ll find a house and a job and some security sometime soon. Instead I’m going to go and make a sandwich because I can’t be arsed to cook, have a shower and go to bed and cuddle the dog and mope and feel sorry for myself. Life could be better.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Less is more

Do you know, I’ve felt myself changing quite a lot over the past few months, I don’t quite know how to explain it, it’s just that something in me has shifted, and although I had a zest for life before, it’s so much stronger now. I literally never stop, from when I get out of bed at seven in the morning until I collapse in to it at midnight if I’m lucky. I used to love curling up to read for hours, now I find myself getting easily distracted because I want to be on the go all the time, and when I do sit down for a period of time I usually fall asleep because I’m tired. Not sure if it’s healthy though because I rarely feel relaxed these days. Saturday was a complete and utter blurr really, I spent most of the day falling asleep and felt really bad because DL had come over to see me. I think she was mystified as to why I was so tired bless her, but I did wake up enough to cook dinner and then turf her out to sleep some more. We have actually had a discussion lately and we’re not going to see each other quite so much anymore, because to put it plainly she’s still in love, and I no longer feel that way for her. Plus I think being around me is making her view her counceling in totally the wrong way, that is she’s doing it in the hope that she’ll change in to a person I’ll fall back in love with. I know I’m being quite matter of fact, but to be honest it’s been over nine months now since the split, and enough is enough. No more emotional blackmail and feeling like if I distance myself from her she’ll do something stupid, it’s time for her to take responsibility for her actions, and me for mine and we both have to accept the fact that maybe we can’t really have a proper friendship yet, or maybe even ever unless we both properly move on. The other day she sent me flowers at work in the hope to cheer me up as I was pissed off, but it made me so mad, I actually thought, “why the hell are you of all people sending me flowers?” Maybe that’s a bit extreme but I just feel like a lot of the things she does are bids to try and pull at my heart strings, and while she can be sweet and send flowers and do things for me, she couldn’t let my graduation go by without causing a scene and making me cry, and it’s those things that matter to me and all the flowers in the world won’t change my memory of that day now. Anyway enough of that, onwards and upwards…

I had a meeting with my manager on Monday about the job offers, and I’m going to apply for a couple and see what I get. Maybe nothing will come of it, but all I can do is try I guess. I am slightly panicking about my living situation because I really do have to be out by the end of August and still haven’t found anything, so I could potentially be jobless and homeless by the end of the month. I’m trying to stay positive though, something will come up I’m sure. Work has been quite fun this week, it’s going surprisingly quickly and I’ve been busy until today. I’m sort of finishing the project I’m doing now and starting something new tomorrow so at the moment I’m at a bit of a loose end, and I figured that typing away furiously makes it look like I’m busier than if I sit playing with two five pence coins and dancing in my seat to my ipod, even if I am blogging. Last night I went to a new lesbian group in town and it was rather fun if a little tame. Tonight I’m going to the usual Wednesday group and tomorrow night I really have to spend surfing the net for properties. BB and I have also been keeping in touch since the weekend and I think we’re going to meet up on Friday, we need to discuss boundaries if we’re going to do the whole sub/dom thing, what is and isn’t acceptable that kind of thing. I really like her actually, she’s very sweet and thoughtful and obviously totally does it for me sexually so hopefully we’ll get on well as friends and playmates. This weekend I’m going to Brighton pride, woo! Ladies ladies and more ladies, not that I’m obsessed or anything haha. God I do love being single though, so many opportunities!

Suppose I’d better go and find something constructive to do, will write again soon. And to my real life friends who read this, I will send you emails soon, I promise, I know I’ve been crap at keeping in touch lately, still love ya though!