Thursday, November 30, 2006

What about me?

For once in my life I’m being selfish. Actually I’m not being selfish, because if I were I would shout and scream and cry and give everyone hell because I’m breaking up inside. But I don’t.
Every night I toss and turn, sleep evading me, violent painful dreams occupying my mind when I do slumber.
But every morning I drag myself out of bed, I put on a smile along with my clothes, and I get on with every day.
But just because I have a hard outer shell.
Just because I smile and sound cheerful.
Just because I take time out to talk about something other than myself.
Just because I don’t shout or scream.
Just because I’m not breaking down crying at every given opportunity.
Doesn’t mean I’m not in pain.
I hurt too.
So what about me…?

Getting nowhere fast!

I’m becoming more than slightly concerned because I’ve posted numerous adds on numerous websites, bulletin boards and forums, and I still cannot find a flatmate to move in in January. People either email me asking if I can lower the rent, or if they can bring a pet, and the answer to both questions is a firm, ‘no’, because it’s the land lord’s decision and not mine. I did have one prospective viewer, but I just got an email from her saying that her circumstances have changed and so she will not be coming to view the flat. I really don’t know what to do. The basic reality is, that if I can’t find a flatmate the rent will be twice the amount I’m paying now, and I simply cannot afford to pay it. I’m in the middle of my contract so don’t think I can back out until the end of June, and so I really don’t know what to do. I’ve seriously put adverts everywhere that I can think of, and the truth is that most people obviously have houses already and just aren’t looking. I don’t know what the solution is, I just have to keep hoping that I’ll get an email from some one who is really interested in moving in. I’m starting to get really stressed out about it though, and to be honest I really don’t think DL staying and us living together is a real option, it’ll ruin any hope of us ever having a friendship. I’m beginning to wish we’d never agreed to sign up for another year in the first place, it’s proving to be more hastle than it’s worth. The land lord is also a useless arse, he says it’s my responsibility to find some one to pay the other half of the rent, which isn’t really very helpful. The only other option I have is that a friend of S and M’s also happens to be looking for a place to live. The downside is that he’s male and I really didn’t want to live with a guy, but I might be forced to consider it if that’s the only option I have. Hmmmm, what to do…

Monday, November 27, 2006

Dinner, drunkenness and disappointment.

Gosh I have quite a lot to write about and didn’t really want to put it all in to one post, but I haven’t had time to write over the weekend…

On Thursday night I went to the flat to have dinner with DL. I don’t really know what to say, other than it didn’t go very well. Within minutes we were fighting, she said I was obviously moving on nicely because I was cold and hard, I said she was wallowing a little in her own self pity, and I nearly ended up leaving before we’d eaten. But she called me back and apologised and we ate dinner, but the atmosphere was difficult, because apart from the relationship it’s hard to talk about other things in a normal way. I’m sure things will get better over time, but we both agreed it was far too soon to try and be ok around each other, when the hurt is still so prevalent. So she drove me home at around eleven thirty and walked away without saying much, and I went to bed feeling like utter shit and like I’d taken three steps forward and two steps back mentally.

Friday was better, woke up feeling more positive again and determined to not let it affect all the mental resolve I’ve built up over this past week. I was supposed to spend the whole of Friday essay writing, instead I ended up procrastinating and didn’t get much done at all. Made a lovely pasta meal with S for dinner, we spent ages preparing vegetables and meat together and chatting constantly which was really nice, then I spent most of the evening either chatting on the phone or online, so didn’t get much done then either.

This weekend DL’s cousin, A was around for the weekend and he’d particularly insisted that the three of us go shopping together. I wasn’t sure after Thursday night whether to go or not, but I asked DL not to mention the relationship while we were out and to try and be as positive and cheerful as she could, and she agreed so I went along with them. It was a nice day actually, I bought some new make-up, a dressie top, some new underwear and a pair of jeans, so didn’t do badly at all. In the evening a group of us from my department went out, and I got absolutely plastered. It was rediculous actually I should never have had so much to drink and I should have eaten more during the daytime to soak it up, but the people I was out with drink heavily anyway, so I guess I just lost count in the end. We drank at F’s house before going on to the club and I was more than a little tipsy before we even left the house. On the way to the club we stopped at an ATM to get cash. There was a huge queue of people and it was taking ages, but everyone was laughing and joking and singing xmas carols to pass the time, until it got to mine and F’s turn. All the people in front had gone, and a couple of girls walked up behind us and started really throwing abuse at us for taking so long. I mildly turned around and asked them to be patient, it was the machine that was being slow not us, and one of them said something like, ‘F**k off you stupid B**ch, if you don’’t get a move on you’ll get my high heel around your f**king head.” I just got on with getting cash, but was riled at the way she’d unnecessarily spoken to me, so as we were walking away I muttered something about her shoving her high heel up her arse. Anyway she heard me, took her shoe off, ran after me and absolutely smacked me around the back of the head with it. Not wanting to start a fight I told F to keep walking and that I was ok, but it really shocked and appalled me that some one would do something like that. She could have easily knocked me out or cut me or worse! Luckily it hadn’t broken the skin, and I just woke up yesterday with a pounding, very sore head. Don’t really remember much about the rest of the night, just that we carried on drinking and dancing, and then later got a cab. F’s friend stayed in it with me after the rest of them got out, but the cab driver dropped us on the road next to S’s house, a road I’ve never even heard of, and because I was absolutely pissed and could hardly walk and I was frightened and thought we were lost, I ended up calling DL to come with the car to find me. She did, and we went back to S’s to get Una, as apparently I insisted that I wanted to be taken back to the flat, and S and DL got in to an argument because S was saying she didn’t think DL should take me there when I was in such a state, and that it was my decision. I don’t remember any of this at all, apparently I was crying though. I don’t think I’ve ever been so drunk in my entire life. I ended up puking in the toilet, being driven to the flat, helped in by DL and cousin, and then apparently I just passed out on the bed. I really feel awful about calling DL, it can’t have been an easy thing for her to do, and I appreciate that she looked after me more than anything. It was stupid to get that wasted, and believe me I more than paid for it yesterday, when I did actually have to write my essay.

Got up this morning to find an email saying the uni magazine wouldn’t accept my short story submission this time, that it needed editing first. They did write useful points as to how I could rework it a little, but I’m still disappointed. I guess it reflects how close I was to the character I was writing about, maybe I’ll come back to it in a couple of months when things have calmed down and see what I can do with it then. Tonight I’m going to a lecture about the state of poverty in Africa, and then I’ll have to come back and do more work.

I will be honest and say that I have considered starting my blog somewhere else, because I know DL reads it, and not that I’ve got anything to hide, but I am being careful of what I write because I don’t want to add to her pain. But I know she’ll do her best to find it anyway, so I’ve decided to stick with this one and write as honestly, but as sensitively as I can. For those of you who haven’t started a blog, the main point is to not tell everyone you know you have one, because then they read it, and sometimes that’s not such a good thing.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Moving out, moving in.

So on Sunday I packed up most of my things and throughout the course of the day, moved to S and M’s. I’m calling them that because firstly it’s their initials, and secondly the S and M pun is just too good a chance to miss. So anyway, I’m in the attic room which is lovely, apart from all the bloody stairs I have to climb to get up there. I’d forgotten that living in an apartment makes you resent climbing two floors, haha how lazy am I? But like I said, the room is really nice, it’s quite big, with a sloping roof and creeky floorboards, and it’s very quiet and peaceful up here. As soon as I got settle here I felt all the tention ooze away, and I feel better now than I have in weeks! I don’t have much to worry about apart from the usual uni work, and it’s so nice just not having to think. S and M have been really accommodating, Una loves it here because she gets to play with their dog, and she seems a lot less stressed too. I was really worried about her on Sunday, she messed inside twice, and she’s never, ever done that before. The first time I told her off, the second time I didn’t give her any attention for doing it and she hasn’t done so since.I think to be honest she was picking up on how I was feeling and was showing me that she too had had enough. She’s returning back to her bouncy self though, and is currently snoring away in her bed.

I have most of my stuff here, and surprisingly I’m not missing the flat like I thought I would. I think because of going to Africa, I’ve gotten used to settling in anywhere and making the best of a situation, so I feel quite ok about living here temporarily. I’m still searching for a new flat mate though, a woman emailed me who will hopefully come and view the flat next week, so fingers crossed. Tonight I have choir, and then tomorrow I’m going round to the flat for dinner with DL. It sounds really odd saying that because it’s my home really, but at the moment it doesn’t really feel that way because of the situation. Anyway she’s cooking a meal and hopefully we can spend some time together without getting stressed. Her cousin is coming up at the weekend and he’s spicifically asked that the three of us go shopping together, so I’m going with them on Saturday too.

I also commented in my last post that everyone seems to be breaking up, and since then two more couples I know have split, how strange! Oh well, it’s all part of the big plan I guess, whatever that may be. Right now I’m off to get some breakfast, I intended to have a lie in this morning but Una woke me at 8 wanting to go to the toilet, so I had to take her outside and after that I couldn’t get back to sleep. Honestly, never work with animals or children!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Lovers and Friends

If I’m honest this week has been a nightmare. DL and I have either been in tears or angry with each other, or more like she has been angry with me, and I’ve been feeling guilty. Doofus has been staying to keep DL company so that was good for her, but it’s just been awkward between us. We’ve never really been just friends, and so A it’s hard to know how to act, and B you can’t just make the transition from being lovers to being friends overnight, especially not when you’re hurting as much as this.

Monday I spent in tears, unable to work, not doing a lot. On Tuesday I devoted myself to advertising the spare room on the internet from the start of January. We’ve agreed that DL will move out, and I think she’s decided to stay in Sheffield rather than move back with her parents in London because she’s being kept on until easter at her job, and her therapist is up here too. On Tuesday night I went out with friends, and to be honest I didn’t enjoy myself. I guess I wasn’t ready to face the world, and after a short time I got tired of sleezy men trying to dance with me and came home and went to bed.

On Wednesday I worked during the day and then went to choir in the evening. Came back and had a two hour discussion with DL, because she was furious that I’d taken a toy out of our collection to use, and she was also hurt that I’d advertised the room so soon. I guess on reflection it was a little hasty and I probably should have consulted with her more before doing so, but I just didn’t know what to do for the best and after being beside myself I wanted to be more proactive. Anyway we kind of made up on Wednesday night, and agreed that we would still go to the Christina Aguilera concert on Friday together.

On Thursday my mother descended on us for the day, and apart from the fact that she tried to reorganise the spare room, which is for the moment my room, which included moving everything around, going through my chest of draws and putting underwear, nighties, everything in a different order and in different places, going through my entire wardrobe and sorting out my supposed winter collection of clothes and putting everything else in other places, moving the cd’s by my stereo so I had no idea what was what, and generally making a huge mess of things she was very supportive. I did go nuts at the room reorganisation, it consisted of me shouting things like, “how would you like it if I came in to your house and went through all your stuff?” and, “there are personal items in my draws, I wouldn’t go through your underwear!” etc etc. I later also discovered that on remaking my bed she’d moved my vibrator from under the pillow and placed it on the bedside table, that is so out of line! When she discovered that DL and I had been on a break for the past month her comment was, “why didn’t you tell me? I’m your mother, I should know everything”, which just about sums it up really. Anyway like I said besides all that she was very emotionally supportive which was great, and we went shopping after she forced me to go to the only class I’d attended that week, and she didn’t leave until around eight in the evening after making sure I’d eaten something. The rest of Thursday evening and the whole of Friday was spent editing an essay I had due in, which I’m not expecting to get good marks for at all, and then in the evening DL and I went to see Christina, which was absolutely fantastic!!!

So, to sum up, DL and I have figured we can’t really go on living together with the way things are at the moment, not if we want to salvage any kind of relationship out of things, and thankfully Sarah has offered us her spare attic bedroom, and I’m moving there tomorrow as DL will have enough moving to do after Christmas. So we’re going to spend some time apart before Christmas, and then obviously DL is leaving and we’ll have some distance for a while, after which we’ll either try and have a friendship, or perhaps start dating again and take things slowly. I’m not making any promises though, things could easily go one way or the other and DL knows that. This isn’t a break, we have broken up, so no one is leading anyone anywhere.

I’ve also been mortified by DL’s mother’s behaviour. I wasn’t expecting her to be fine with things, but I certainly didn’t expect the reaction I got either. I’m the world’s worsed according to her, I never really loved DL as much as she loved me, apparently if I’d loved her I wouldn’t have gone to Africa, and I’ve been leading her on for a long time, apparently! I’m both furious and very hurt by her horrible words, especially because I feel that saying things like that is not being supportive to DL and I can see that it’s hurting her. All I can say is that I want to be happy, and just because she’s been in a loveless marriage for the past fifteen years doesn’t mean I’m going to follow suit just to keep the peace. I know I sound bitter, but I am really because even though DL is her daughter, she is totally unjustified in what she is saying. A few weeks ago she was calling me and saying that we had her support whenever we needed it, now she hates my guts and was being sickly sweet to Doofus who she claims to dislike and threw money at her for coming to stay here. Talk about fickle.

Anyway on a lighter note, I think me going to stay with Sarah is a positive move and hopefully it’ll mean we don’t end up at each other’s throats. That’s the last thing I want, and although we’re no longer together I still love her dearly and I hate seeing her hurting. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen at Christmas, I’m trying not to think about it, although I have had several kind offers to go and visit friends and my mother is gnagging me to go back home. I really don’t know what’s happening to everyone at the moment, most of the couples I know are having some kind of difficulties, it must be something in the water I think.
Sorry this post is a bit all over the place, I’ve just got so much to say and I don’t really know how. I guess I’ll have to post more often. Will let you know how it goes in the new digs, if I can get an internet connection that is, I’ll go crazy if I can’t.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Break up.

Yesterday afternoon I finally told DL it's over. It was the most horrible and painful thing I've had to do. I think I've come to the realisation that no matter what she does now, it's too late for me, for us, and that my feelings for her have changed beyond anything i can repair. These past few months have taken their tole more than I orrigionally thought, and things just aren't right and I don't think that with time they'll be ok.
We were supposed to spend christmas together to see how it went, but I felt like I would be lying to both myself and DL and giving her a false sense of hope where I know there isn't any if i did that. Her mum has also started telling the famliy we're together. How ironic that it's the one thing I wanted more than anything, and now it's happened it's at completely the wrong time, and it only made me panic because I didn't know if I wanted to be with her. So yesterday I was totally honest with her about the way I felt.
I told her I wasn't in love with her anymore and that no matter what she did, I didn't think I could get that back. We both cried, she gave me the eternity ring I bought her back, then she started getting angry, asking if I'd ever loved her in the first place. I left the house to go and stay at a friend's, and I've come back this morning to find she's moved everything I own in to the spare room, and she's taken all the photos of us out of their frames and turned them face down.
I don't even know if she's at work, she could have gone back to London for all I know. I dont know how to deal with what's happening. I know I'm the one who's ended it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still love her dearly and if I could change the way I feel, I would. I can't stop crying and it's frightening.
She says she's going to her parents every weekend from now until christmas, when I think she'll move out. There's no way we can live here together, so I now have the job of finding another flat mate, because there's no way I can afford to pay the full rent on my own. I hate every damn minute of it.
Her mother now hates me, they were on the phone for ages yesterday and I'm the worsed person in the world right now. I can't blame either of them for thinking that I suppose, I just have to say that I really didn't ask for any of this, and I wanted more than anything for us to work. I can't imagine being with some one else right now, my future was with her and I can't think about life without her in it at the moment.
It's all just so painful, and I've broken both our hearts and I hate myself for that. I hate watching us break down like this, destroying everything we had, going back to being estranged, awkward with each other, distant, hurt and angry. I hate it all.
She's my best friend and I want more than anything to talk to her and cry and I know I can't do that because she's the one I've hurt the most.
I'm sorry, just so sorry.

Monday, November 06, 2006

time for some relaxation!

Thank God that horrible exam/essay thing is over!

To be honest it wasn't a bad weekend all in all, i didn't get overly stressed about it, just hope I've done ok. DL was a star, she plied me with lots of tea and hugs and cooked some wonderful meals and gave me chocolate, which is always a blessing. We also had some time out curled up under a duvet on the sofa, a huge fat labrador lying across both of us, watching series two of Lost, which is just as frustrating as ever! I mean, how long are they going to drag it out for, and it's like, "oh, look, yet another hatch, surprise surprise." I still keep watching though, and moan after each episode.

Today is a busy day. I handed in my essay this morning, I've just sorted out stuff to pack for London, I'm having lunch with Kim and Sean in about half an hour, and then I'm going to the cinema with DL this evening to watch a documentary about the seedy side of Sheffield, which I'm really looking forward too. Then it's off to London village tomorrow for some quality relaxation. I've not stayed with Baby G for ages so I'm quite excited about the whole thing, and I'm also meeting up with some women from the Africa project so it'll be a nostalgic get together I think.

I'm feeling really hyperactive at the moment and in a really good mood. DL and I have been getting on really well if the truth be told. We kind of gave up on the sleeping arrangements after the day in York, and I've been back in our room every night this week, and it's been heaven. I sleep so much better when I'm in our bed, with her, and we're not at all taking it for granted that the other person will want to share that particular night, so it's always a pleasure when we decide to go to bed together. I'm feeling much more positive, and she seems to be too. So who knows, watch this space...
I've also sent off another short story for consideration for the uni creative writing magazine, so fingers crossed it'll get in. What else...? Not a lot I don't think, and that's just the way I like it!

Friday, November 03, 2006

A Diversion

Let’s have a diversion, you must be getting bored of hearing about my turbulant love life by now lol. So here’s some mindless distraction…

First and formost, tomorrow marks three months exactly that Una has been with us, so happy anniversary my little girl, I can’t imagine what life was like without you in it!
Secondly, I have a stinker of an exam this weekend. The university calls it a 72 hour exam, where we’re basically given two essay questions and have 72 hours to write them. They’re both close readings of extracts taken from Victorian literature, and it’s not pleasant having to devote an entire weekend to writing them. So that’s this weekend taken care of.
Thirdly, I am getting more and more annoyed by the day at the lack of decent shoes in the shops! I have searched high and low for a pair of black, and a pair of brown, knee high boots to go with my skirts, and can I find any that are not A too big, B too small, C not in my size, D too high, or E the wrong colour? The answer is no. The upside though, is that…
Fourthly, I’m going to London town next week, where among other things, I can go to Oxford Street to look even more for boots! Yay! I’m going on Tuesday to stay with Baby G for a few days, to have a rest, and, oh yeah, write two essays as well, but we won’t think about that part for now. I can’t wait! It’ll be so good catching up with everyone down there, and I haven’t even seen Baby G’s new flat yet, so I’m excited about that. I’m taking Una of course, and she’s never been to the big smoke before, so it’ll be interesting to see how she deals with it. I’m sure she’ll be fine though.

I think that’s all for now. I’m going to drink the lovely cup of tea that DL has kindly made for me, and then go to bed.