Je vais a Paris!

I have spendtmost of the afternoon on the phone to friends in Sheffield, my friend Simon in Paris, and Eurostar, trying to get a trip to go and see him sorted out. I mentioned that I wanted to go a while back but that the tickets were too expensive, but we've managed to get really cheap ones going in January. So three of us, Frankie, Helen and I are all going to Paris for the weekend to visit Simon and I booked the tickets a few minutes ago. I'm very excited, I haven't been there since I was a child and it'll be lovely to have a sort of girlie weekend away with friends to blast away any new year blues.

In other news this week my sex drive seems to have gone through the roof. How high can it get you might be thinking, but remember when I had that week of not masturbating at all? Well I've definitely been making up for it this week, my BOF's haven't had so much atention in a while. On a mental score I'm feeling really great at the moment as well, and although I do hope DL is doing ok I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am no longer being made to feel guilty for living my life without her.

Yesterday I was in the office all day doing my charity stuff and then Baby G and CC came over for dinner in the evening. Today I haven't done much at all and I'm having a night in front of the TV tonight saving my pennies and avoiding the rain that has been pouring continuously for what feels like weeks now. Tomorrow Mr C is coming over for another jamming session and that reminds me I need to learn a song in preparation so I'll be doing that tonight as well. On Monday my mother is visiting for a few days and then I have two christmas parties to go to at the end of the week. I can't believe it's nearly christmas, time to definitely do some shopping and I need to book my train tickets to go and see my parents as well. I plan to leave London on the 23rd and return on the 28th in time for new year celebrations. Right now though my dinner is cooking, it's nice and warm and I'm going to curl up with a book in a bit and have an evening to myself.

The Spirit of Christmas

Firstly, I want to thank you for the comments, emails and phone calls I have received. I'm not going to get all soppy and emotional but I am very much aware of how lucky I am to be surrounded by such an amazing network of friends, and family too although hopefully my family aren't reading this. DL called me yesterday and I was silly enough to pick up the phone. She was hysterical and I ended the call very quickly and she hasn't tried to contact me since. I'm hoping in the nicest possible way that she'll go away quietly and deal with her feelings with her family for support and not behave irrationally towards me, something which I am slightly concerned about at the moment and I know others are too. But I'm doing ok, I spent today with Baby G at her house having a much needed catch up session and some relaxation time and I had a good long chat with my parents on the phone tonight and I'm actually quite looking forward to christmas now. I'm going back up north to see my family and I think I'll be spending christmas day with my mum, ex step mum (they are very good friends, don't ask, it's complicated) and my step sister which will be great. She's 12 now and I don't get to see her much because I live down here and obviously she's in school and is too young to come and visit on her own so it would be good to spend some time with her and find out about her latest crush, the bands she's in to who I've never heard of and how school is going. The last time I saw her she said to me,
"Amy and I aren't really friends anymore," Amy being her best friend.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well we hang around in different crowds at school now, and well, I'm sort of gangster and she's not."
"Gangster!" I said, "What do you mean gangster?"
"You know!" She said looking exasperated and proceeded to try and tell me what "gangster" was and I was still none the wiser by the time she'd finished. The time before that when I saw her she described herself as, "Emo." I wonder what she'll be this time round?

So anyway on the christmas note I've told myself to stop being a miserable cow and to actually start getting in to the christmas spirit. I'm going to start my shopping and new year's eve should be really great because some friends down here want to get together, Sean is definitely coming to join us and Kim might also be coming down from Sheffield so the whole lot of us getting together will be fantastic whatever we decide to do on the night.

Last night I went to see Jill Scott in concert with Baby G and Rosey and she was absolutely fantastic. We all got the impression she's having a really hard time at the moment, she mentioned her divorce and she seemed really low in spirits, plus she mentioned repeatedly that she's not getting laid at the moment, I offered to give her a helping hand on that one but I was right at the back so I don't think she heard me. I'm also absolutely loving Alicia Keys' new album. I have to say it took me a while to get in to, but I think it's her best one so far.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, my first in about four years in the morning and then in the evening the usual group of friends are going out for a meal to welcome Baby G's boyfriend, Will, back from the states where he has been for the past four months. I think it's about time I put the kettle on and climb in to my lovely bed to fall asleep listening to an audio book. Not quite sure what yet though, I've been reading Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson and Wire in the Blood by Val McDermid, two of my favourite authors, but I think I want something lighthearted tonight, so I'll go on the hunt for some trashy fiction, Jackie Collins or something like that.
Night night, and sorry for the randomness.
Oh, I should also add that all the stress of the past couple of days is making me really horny. I need to get Spanish Girl back over here to hit that spot she so expertly found on Saturday night. She wanted to meet up tomorrow but I couldn't and when I texted her saying so I didn't get a response. I get the feeling she's a woman who likes getting her own way and she doesn't like not being in control of a situation, but I've had quite enough of that for the time being so she'll either have to like it, or lump it.

Time to say goodbye

This morning I sent two emails. One to DL, the other to her mother. I can't do it anymore, be friends with her that is. I've tried, God knows I've tried over this past year to make the friendship work, but I can't do it anymore. I've been continually threatened with DL taking her own life, she's had illnesses that I'm not sure are true or whether she just says things to get my atention, such as she having a lump in her breast in January that she wouldn't let me see and that mysteriously vanished, and a pain in her liver that she says is a result of taking a handfull of paracetamil a while back. This mornigng after a horrible argument we had last night she texted me saying that she couldn't feel her arms and legs propperly when she woke up and is going to the doctors and that she's scared, but to be honest I don't really believe her.

I don't want to go in to how she has been over the past few months, but unless I was doing everything she wished, spending lots of time with her, basically being emotionally controled because of her continuous threat of suicide, she's not been happy. The moment I distance myself, or appear to be getting on fine without her she turns in to this person, who to be quite honest I don't know anymore and don't really want to know. She's put up half naked photos of me on facebook that I have had to remove due to people pointing them out, she obsesses over who I'm seeing and talks about doing horrible things to the women in my life, she practically ruined my graduation day because she caused a scene in front of my whole family, and yesterday she tried to destroy the plant Spanish Girl gave me by covering it in bleach. Her behaviour is beyond acceptable and has been for some time, and I've tried to manage it as best I could. But I no longer believe that she is scared of losing my friendship as she claims to be, or that she cares for me, because her actions and words are not those of some one who wants me to be happy. I think I've become an obsession to her, she can't have me, she knows that, so she tries to control as much of my emotions as possible to give her something to hang on to. Yesterday, after the plant incident, I was so angry I can't tell you, and if Baby G hadn't been at my house and we hadn't been going to the Maroon 5 concert, I would have thrown her out and told her never to come back. I can honestly say now that I believe she has no regard for anyone else's feelings other than her own, and she needs help beyond anything I can give. So like I said I sent two emails this morning, one to her saying that I was breaking contact and that we wouldn't speak for a long long time, if we could ever be friends at all, and I also sent one to her mother explaining the situation, that she has talked about taking her own life and asking her to keep an eye on her. I know DL hasn't read the email yet as she'll still be at work, but when she does I expect a barrage of calls and texts and I know she'll go through all the stages of begging, crying, abusive talk and anger. I just hope she finds it within herself to move on with her life and leave me alone, instead of the more dangerous scenarios such as taking her own life, or hounding me and my friends and family which we've all agreed is a possibility considering her increasingly concerning behaviour. I know I sound cold writing this, but writing those emails this morning tears were streaming down my face and the truth is that I am terrified she'll do something stupid. I just can't see any other way of handling this, I've tried everything else. It's time to say goodbye to her and let her get on with her own life, because being around me is killing her anyway, that much is evident. I just hope she'll be ok and find happiness somewhere. We've cut contact before for a few weeks at a time, but this time is definite and I won't be contacting her for a long time, if at all. It's time to put this one to bed.

Upbeat

Burrr it's so cold! Yesterday I went out and bought a lovely thick cream coloured winter coat with flease lining and a big hud which I quickly wrapped around my ears while my teeth chattered. It's the kind of weather that makes you want to stay home with the curtains drawn and the heat turned up, wrapped in a blanket with the dog curled up next to you snoring away while the rain drums on the roof and it grows dark outside. I've not been doing much of that though over the past few days, I've seen quite a lot of DL and it's actually been really lovely. She came to commedy on Wednesday, and then on Thursday she came to my place after work and I made dinner, and then yesterday we spent the day shopping and went out for dinner last night to my favourite Thai restaurant. We've been managing to have quite good conversations about things and she knows that I'm seeing some one casually although she knows nothing about her, and she's going to start looking for a new place to live so that she can move out of her mum's in the new year. I also had a catch up phone conversation with my friend Sean on Thursday night and he made me really belly laugh when he did a very good impression of Borat, and told me about his gay crush. My comment in response to his embarrassment was,
"Everyone wants to get shagged up the arse at some point in their life whether they're male or female, gay or straight,"
to which he cracked up and said he was going to put it on his facebook page as one of his favourite quotes. He also said, "I really miss you. I can't talk about sex with anyone else," which was a complement, I think, and apparently he gets wine served in some of his evening lectures as part of his MA course which I thought was fantastic.

Tonight, well in about an hour actually I'm heading in to town to go for a meal and then to Soho with the girls for a birthday party, and tomorrow I have a fun packed day. In the morning I'm going to
Erotica 2007
with some friends and in the evening I'm meeting the girls from work to go to the pub. I'll try and write again tomorrow to let you know what I bought, no doubt I won't be able to resist walking past all the stalls selling sex toys without buying a little something to keep me tick tick tickking!

Fragments

I have had bad dreams and disturbed sleep every night this week. I don't really remember what the dreams were about, I just don't wake up feeling refreshed. Last night though I do remember something about being covered in shattered glass, and the glass was all over the floor and there was a girl there who was crazy and who kept smashing things. I had tiny fragments in my skin and hair and kept trying to pick them out without cutting myself.
I am tired most of the time and tend to fall asleep in the afternoons if I am home.
I read The Afghan by Frederick Forsyth in a couple of days and although I really enjoyed the book, I was disappointed with the anticlimax of an ending.
I went for a job interview on Tuesday to be a recruitment consultant, but due to the long hours, pressured environment and there being a score board in the office with everyone's commission scores on it I'm not sure I want the job.
Yesterday I went to an assessment centre for a graduate scheme and think I nailed it.
My friend Mr C came over today with his guitar and he played and I sang for about two hours. We are learning
this
and this
and hope to get a set together to play live somewhere.
The last time I made myself come was on Saturday. I haven't even attempted it, or even thought about it that much since then. So for once sex isn't the primary thing on my mind. I'm not even bothered if the spanish woman and I don't have sex tomorrow, it might actually be quite refreshing if we don't, but chances are we will because she's not coming over to play scrabble.
DL bought me Leona Lewis's debut album and I really like it. She told me to listen to
track 3
and that made me sad, to know that she feels that way.
I am eating a lot more than I should be at the moment. It's probably comfort eating, but the guy I walk the dog with once a week came today and said, "are you putting on weight?" Thankfully my head was in a cupboard looking for the dog whistle so he didn't see my face, but it really pisses me off that men think it's ok to say that to women. The next time he comes over I will be tempted to say, "has your dick shrunk? Only the buldge in your pants looks a lot smaller today."
I ordered a cab yesterday only to have it come and then the driver refuse to take me because I had the guide dog. That is actually against the law, but what can you do if the driver just leaves except report his ass and hope the authorities will revoke his licence.
Francesca and I are no longer friends, and I'm not really sure why. She is a very complex person and I can't seem to see the wood for the trees as far as working out her meaning is concerned. It's a shame we're no longer in touch, but I think it's probably for the best as we view things very differently and never seem to meet in the middle.
I cried for the first time in ages the other night. Cried propperly, balling, heaving sobs in to my pillow until my eyes were sore, my nose blocked and my head hurt. The release felt good.
Despite all this, I don't feel depressed, just in transition. Where I'm going and what I'm leaving behind, I'm not entirely sure yet.

Boo!

I have a cold!
I thought I was doing well this year, most of the people I know having had one at some point. And there I was thinking how good my immune system must be, until yesterday. I met Mr C and his girlfriend in the pub in the afternoon for food and drinks, and I noticed I started feeling a bit ropey after we headed back to mine, and this morning I feel worse. Kind of a bit fuzzy with a sore throat and sneezing. We spent almost the entire evening talking about sex last night. I don't quite kno why, but it just happened that way. I think I know more about their sex life now than I perhaps wanted too, the most amusing point is that Mr C has to stop for a rest half way through these days, heehee. I'm also leading in the slut stakes as he now has a steady girlfriend and I'm single, so I've overtaken him in the numbers of women bedded contest lol. Very childish, but highly amusing to see him looking quite concerned when I mentioned it yestterday. I also got rather concerned when he said he'd been watching a porn clip on the internet the other day and one of the women in it sounded a lot like me.
"You are joking," I said, thinking back to the home movies I'd made with DL in the past., and wondering if she'd started to hate me enough to put them on the net. So when we got back here I made him download the clip he'd seen just to check it wasn't me, which thankfully it wasn't. But then we ended up spending the rest of the evening watching lesbian porn and discussing the joys of anal sex and fisting. Hmmm.

So today I'm meeting my friend Caroline for coffee and cake and then tomorrow my busy week starts. I just hope I don't feel too ill to have to stay in bed and miss anything.

Officially Unemployed, for now!

Well this is the first day I haven't really had anything to take my mind off the fact that I am A not in work, and B have to start watching my money again. Damn! I got up this morning and applied for another job before I even had breakfast, and have been doing other stuff that needs sorting out, as well as finishing off my book. I'm bored. Yep, already, I'm bored. I'm going to apply for as many jobs as possible because if I'm not back doing some kind of work soon I'll start going crazy. My brain does not do well when it's idle.

What has been keeping me busy though...
Listening to three new albums I got yesterday. Jill Scott The Real Thing, Jennifer Lopez Brave and Lil Mo Pain and Paper. They're all good, but Jill Scott is the bomb as usual. I'm so excited about going to see her in December, even more so after listening to the new album. I particularly enjoyed the track called Celibacy Blues because it's totally my situation at the moment hahha.
Although saying that F called me last night and we ended up having extremely freaky totally amazing phone sex, although I didn't think it was going to happen at one point because every toy I tried to use kept dying on me which is not good. Finally got it sorted though and gave the neighbours something to listen too lol. She's so fucking nasty and I love it. She wants to come see me again soon and I'm definitely willing to accomodate. The only problem is is she's stone and last time she gave but wouldn't receive, and I really enjoy fucking as well as getting fucked, so I'll have to do some gentle persuading and see where it gets me. God I really have to think about something else other than sex! It's being at home all day that does it. Yeah right, who am I kidding, I think about it no matter where I am, especially if it's in a place where I really shouldn't be. I had a conversation with a friend over dinner one night last week and we were talking about our sex drives. She amazed me because she said that she can go months without even really thinking about sex let alone having it, and it's usually her girlfriend who instigates it and she herself isn't really that bothered. I was like, "damn I can't even go a week without masturbating, I start getting tense and irritable if I don't come." She laughed and said I should go and see a doctor, which is ironic as that's what she's training to become. We concluded that we are at opposite ends of the libidinal spectrum, but I do often wonder if other women think about it as much as I do. I have certainly met some who do, but still I wonder if my brain is more like a man's in that sense. I guess I'm just freaky and I make no appologies for that. Only six days to go until Saturday and the party.

In other news, today marks the anniversary of when DL and I got together three years ago, and in a couple of weeks it'll be the anniversary of our separation too. I wanted to email her today to acknowledge that I remembered and I was thinking about her and hoping she is doing ok, but I haven't because I think it would do more harm than good. It's difficult because by not hearing from me I know she'll be thinking I just don't give a fuck about her when that really isn't true, but I think the best course of action, for her more than anyone is to put some distance between us. We're supposed to be going to the York Lesbian Arts Festival in a few weeks, and I'm going to have to email her and gently tell her I'm not going. It would mean us spending the weekend together and staying overnight and that would be a recipe for disaster. I do hope she's ok though and I think today should be about remembering the good times rather than the bad. How happy I was when I met her, how quickly we fell in love, how I seduced her with my charms, heehee, how I told her my feelings and asked her out and how she accepted. Those blissful first few weeks, our first kiss, walking back from a bar one night holding hands feeling dizzy with love and happiness because we'd just told her friends that we were together. The first time she told me she loved me, lying on her single bed in our shared house. How we later made love for the first time on the same bed, one of the most perfect moments of my life. And everything that followed, the dates, the holidays, the restaurants, the fun we had, the plans we made, moving in to our own home together, the gifts, the sex. I remember it all, and even though towards the end it was shit and it was the most difficult break up of my life, I'll never forget her for the happiness she gave me.I loved her then, and I love her now, very much so, just in a different way, and whatever happens, whether we end up being friends, or if we go through life without each other, I'll never forget. I'm mentally sending her the tightest hugs in the world and all the love and strength I can muster, in the hope that she too will remember the happier times we shared, and find it within herself to pick herself up and move on, and find happiness elsewhere. She deserves it.

Guilt

A year on and she's still not over me. Not only is she not over me, but she's as distraught now as she was when we broke up. She demands my time and energy, she guilt trips me if we can't spend time together and wants me to account for every minute that I'm not with her, she throws herself at me and then cries when I tell her "no". She manipulates situations, she speaks to me in a way I wouldn't allow anyone else too. She's imploring, desperate, angry, pathetic, terrifyingly on the edge. She begs, pleads, craves to be loved in a way that I can no longer love her. She spends most of the time reminiscing over what we had, appologising futilely for things neither of us can change, wishing she was some one else so that I would fall in love with her again. If she knows I'm with other women which I try and keep separate from our friendship, she gets crazily jealous and angry, verbally degrades them and me sometimes, and then once again returns to begging, pleading, wishing. Today we had a conversation... "This has got to stop," I said. "I want to put some distance between us," I said. "Enough is enough, we're never going to get back together. I'll never fall back in love with you. It's over, done, finished. You need to move on, be happy, find other things, some one else," I said.
"There'll never be anyone else," she said. "I can't live a life without you in it," she said. "What's the point in anything if I can't share it with you," she said. "I love you, I'm sorry, I love you," she said.
"You're obsessed with me," I said,. "It's unnatural, unhealthy, it scares me," I said.
"I want to die," she said. "I want to die."

The last time I tried to back away from her she tried to kill herself. I am terrified that she'll do the same this time. I feel guilty, angry, responsible, frustrated. I want to shake her and tell her that everyone gets broken hearted at some point, that we all pick ourselves up and move on, rebuild our lives, get on with it. She won't listen, to me nor anyone else. She's trapped in this spiralling world of desperate attempts to get me back, trying to change herself for the benifit of wooing me again. It won't happen. I don't love her anymore, not as one loves a partner. I care for her deeply as a friend and always will. We shared a life together, made plans together, she gave me some of the best and worsed times of my life. But for how long can she put me through this. How long do I have to feel guilty for, to be made to feel responsible for the way she's feeling. Because I do, and I hate it, all of it. It's like she's telling me, either take me back, or I'll end it all. What a choice. How do I live with that? How?

Fun times

Christ, I haven’t stopped this week. On Monday I was overjoyed to see my friend Kim waiting for me at reception in the building where I work. I came through the door and there she was, and we had the longest hug ever and it was lovely to see her. We spent the whole afternoon together, chatting, eating great food and shopping. We went to a fab Italian restaurant in Soho, wondered around and bought make up, and then I insisted upon taking her to First Out for coffee and cake only to find it was closed. So we ended up at the coffee shop in Silver Moon bookshop, where hilariously while I was in the loo, a woman recognised Una and said to Kim, “Haven’t I seen her in First Out?” Kim replied, “Yes you probably have, her owner goes there a lot.” I love how the dog gets noticed but I don’t, haha. It’s because she’s so bloody gorgeous that’s why! Anyway we didn’t stop talking all afternoon, catching up on everything that’s been happening, baring in mind we hadn’t seen each other for three months which is the longest we’ve ever gone without meeting up. Anyway it was fab fab fab to see her and I was sad to leave her and miss her lots! That evening I made my way home and didn’t do a lot, just read a little and went to bed.

Tuesday I took Una to the vets after work and then went out in the evening to the usual Tuesday group meeting. We were small in numbers this week and so decided to go to a bar rather than stay in First Out, and I think everyone had a bit to drink. I also invited the girls to my house warming on Friday, one in particular I was hoping would come because I have a rather large crush on her and she’s very, very attractive and I would quite like to kiss her for hours, hold her hand while walking down the street, cook her some good food, take her to bed and stay awake all night touching and tasting every inch of her body and then hold her while she sleeps in my arms. Anyway that’s besides the point… I left the bar feeling exhausted and crawled in to bed at around midnight.

Wednesday I tried to stay awake at work and then went out again with the same group of girls, lucky me, to a different bar this time. This one was quieter and more chilled and after a couple of diet cokes I gave in and spent the rest of the evening drinking Bailies and trying not to make eyes at the hot hot one. Did I mention that I wanted to kiss her for hours, hold her hand………

Thursday didn’t go especially well. DL called me in the morning on her way to work and we had a huge fight. Basically her birthday is on Monday and she’d said she didn’t want to do anything at the weekend and that she was intending to work instead. She’d been insisting about this for weeks and weeks and I’d asked her if she was sure countless times. So I went ahead and made plans for this weekend, and on Wednesday she dropped into the conversation that we were apparently going for dinner on Saturday night. “No we’re not,” I said, “I’ve made plans because you said you didn’t want to do anything.” So then she flipped out and said that she obviously wasn’t important, blah blah blah, and gave me a huge guilt trip, and to be honest I was so angry because she can be so damn manipulative. Not wanting to do anything turned in to, “I wanted to spend the whole weekend with you,” and I ended up hanging up feeling pissed off and upset and running late for work. We’d planned to see each other that evening to go to the cinema to see Atonement, so we stuck to that and she resigned herself to the fact that because she hadn’t communicated her feelings properly she wasn’t going to get her way this time, it still didn’t stop her feeling sorry for herself though. Jesus Christ, sometimes she can be intolerable. Anyway we had a nice evening even though I was feeling emotional, the film was great, but it didn’t end too well. We were in the car on the way back to my place when I got a text from BB. I’ve basically decided to leave that situation alone because she couldn’t give me what I wanted and I didn’t think I could really be friends with her, and when she texted me all the emotions of the day I’d been holding in just came to the surface and I sat there with tears streaming down my face and staring out the window so that DL wouldn’t see me crying. Of course she picked up that there was something wrong and I said it was nothing, just that it was about some one I’d been sort of seeing. When we got back to my place she hugged me goodbye and that started me off again, and then she started crying and saying that she couldn’t handle me being with other women, that it cut her up and she didn’t know what to do. To be honest I think that we are going to have to have a break from the friendship for at least six months because although she tries to pretend she’s ok with everything, she’s really not, and it’s a year on and she’s still not even beginning to get over the relationship. I know it must sound cruel the fact that we still meet up and spend time together, but I really do think that the break has to be her idea. I’ve tried putting distance between us before with disastrous consequences, and I think the more I push her away the more she’ll keep coming back. So I want it to be her decision because then she’ll be in control of her feelings and maybe taking charge of things will help her get herself back on track. I hope so at least. Anyway after a long chat she left and I went to bed.

On Friday I woke up not feeling much better and went in to work feeling like shit. I sat there wanting to cry for most of the morning, god knows where all this is coming from, I must be due on my period because that’s the only reason I can account for feeling so fucking sensitive about everything. Anyway on Friday afternoon I had my flat to clean and prepare for the party, and the excitement of the night ahead cheered me up. It was a lovely evening, all my friends came and also some people from work, the girls from the gay group including the one I really, really fancy. I put on a bit of food and wore a skirt with a fairly low cut top and sandals, the chocolate fountain came out and the wine was flowing, so much so that towards the end of the night I ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor, woops. Thankfully the crush had left by then so she didn’t see the inebriated me.

So yesterday I woke up not being able to lift my head off the pillow. It felt like a thousand led balls were rolling around in my brain, and after a cup of tea and some tablets I felt only slightly better. I finally got up and cleared away all the empty bottles to be recycled, and did the washing up and hoovered and mopped the floors. That afternoon my blogger friend F was arriving for the weekend so I wanted the place to look nice. Let me give you a brief history of me and F so that you’re up to speed.

We met through blogging just over a year and a half ago, she was living in another country and I was with DL. So we were friends for ages, and then a little while after I finished with DL we started to cross the line of intimacy on the phone. By this time she’d moved to the UK to study and we went on in this fashion for a bit. We stopped talking for a while because I felt she was getting a little intense and I was still quite cut up about the break up, so we sort of fell out and didn’t speak for a few months. When I moved to London I sent her an email saying I hoped that she was ok and that I thought of her, and she got back in touch and we’ve gradually built the friendship back up. She’s somewhat older than myself and we’re from completely different backgrounds and cultures, so it makes for an interesting friendship. We spend hours on the phone debating about all kinds of things, and we have regular and great phone sex. So anyway we’d been talking about meeting for a while now so that we could put faces to voices etc, and this weekend was the date we’d arranged. I was pretty nervous having shared things on the phone but never having met her before, and for the first couple of hours I was a bit quiet and giggly and she kept laughing and saying how nervous I looked. Anyway we ordered take out and chatted for a while and we were both quite tired so went to bed fairly early. We stayed awake and chatted for a while, and I was surprised at how shy and awkward I felt. I’d not backward in coming forward as we all know, but when she’d make a comment eluding to something sexual we’d talked about I’d go red and laugh nervously, even though I just wanted to be as open and forward as she was being inside. After a while of talking I turned on my side and she spooned me, cuddling in close. I think we were both thinking the same thing because after a while of being restrained her hand crept around my waste and the rest as they say, is history. Two orgasms later I was shattered and starting to fall asleep as she was talking to me. I remember muttering my apologies and saying that she’d knocked me out and then I was away with the faeries. We woke quite early this morning and I made tea and we lay in bed chatting for hours. Until I said, “I really want to play with your nipples,” and then it started all over again, the poor neighbours. Feeling satiated we eventually got out of bed at about three, showered and had some food. She left around five and texted a little later to say she’d had a wonderful time. I have to agree. So now I’m catching up with emails and obviously blogging and getting ready for my last week at work. Boohoo! Tomorrow is DL’s birthday so we’re going out for dinner, I hope it goes without incident.

Less is more

Do you know, I’ve felt myself changing quite a lot over the past few months, I don’t quite know how to explain it, it’s just that something in me has shifted, and although I had a zest for life before, it’s so much stronger now. I literally never stop, from when I get out of bed at seven in the morning until I collapse in to it at midnight if I’m lucky. I used to love curling up to read for hours, now I find myself getting easily distracted because I want to be on the go all the time, and when I do sit down for a period of time I usually fall asleep because I’m tired. Not sure if it’s healthy though because I rarely feel relaxed these days. Saturday was a complete and utter blurr really, I spent most of the day falling asleep and felt really bad because DL had come over to see me. I think she was mystified as to why I was so tired bless her, but I did wake up enough to cook dinner and then turf her out to sleep some more. We have actually had a discussion lately and we’re not going to see each other quite so much anymore, because to put it plainly she’s still in love, and I no longer feel that way for her. Plus I think being around me is making her view her counceling in totally the wrong way, that is she’s doing it in the hope that she’ll change in to a person I’ll fall back in love with. I know I’m being quite matter of fact, but to be honest it’s been over nine months now since the split, and enough is enough. No more emotional blackmail and feeling like if I distance myself from her she’ll do something stupid, it’s time for her to take responsibility for her actions, and me for mine and we both have to accept the fact that maybe we can’t really have a proper friendship yet, or maybe even ever unless we both properly move on. The other day she sent me flowers at work in the hope to cheer me up as I was pissed off, but it made me so mad, I actually thought, “why the hell are you of all people sending me flowers?” Maybe that’s a bit extreme but I just feel like a lot of the things she does are bids to try and pull at my heart strings, and while she can be sweet and send flowers and do things for me, she couldn’t let my graduation go by without causing a scene and making me cry, and it’s those things that matter to me and all the flowers in the world won’t change my memory of that day now. Anyway enough of that, onwards and upwards…

I had a meeting with my manager on Monday about the job offers, and I’m going to apply for a couple and see what I get. Maybe nothing will come of it, but all I can do is try I guess. I am slightly panicking about my living situation because I really do have to be out by the end of August and still haven’t found anything, so I could potentially be jobless and homeless by the end of the month. I’m trying to stay positive though, something will come up I’m sure. Work has been quite fun this week, it’s going surprisingly quickly and I’ve been busy until today. I’m sort of finishing the project I’m doing now and starting something new tomorrow so at the moment I’m at a bit of a loose end, and I figured that typing away furiously makes it look like I’m busier than if I sit playing with two five pence coins and dancing in my seat to my ipod, even if I am blogging. Last night I went to a new lesbian group in town and it was rather fun if a little tame. Tonight I’m going to the usual Wednesday group and tomorrow night I really have to spend surfing the net for properties. BB and I have also been keeping in touch since the weekend and I think we’re going to meet up on Friday, we need to discuss boundaries if we’re going to do the whole sub/dom thing, what is and isn’t acceptable that kind of thing. I really like her actually, she’s very sweet and thoughtful and obviously totally does it for me sexually so hopefully we’ll get on well as friends and playmates. This weekend I’m going to Brighton pride, woo! Ladies ladies and more ladies, not that I’m obsessed or anything haha. God I do love being single though, so many opportunities!

Suppose I’d better go and find something constructive to do, will write again soon. And to my real life friends who read this, I will send you emails soon, I promise, I know I’ve been crap at keeping in touch lately, still love ya though!

Holiday, job, women and work

Wow, what can I say about the past week! It really has felt like another holiday. The weather has been stunningly gorgeous, so DL and I were able to make the most of it when we weren’t in bed *grin*.

She arrived on Friday while I was having lunch with my dad. Even though I’d seen her on Thursday I found that it was good all over again to have her walk in to the restaurant and join us. We didn’t do much the rest of the day because we were both quite tired, so we had an early night.

Saturday we went shopping to the mall and then did a food shop to make sure we had everything in we wanted to eat. Then DL went for drinks with friends while I made currey, which we ate quite late and then went to bed. Sunday we packed up a picknic and headed to the park. It was a scortching day, 30 degrees C which for England and this time of year is H O T! Spoonsie absolutely loved it, racing around and then flopping down in the heat to ogle at our food, while we ate and drank and lay on blankets on the grass with DL reading diva magazine to me, which funnily enough was the sex issue heehee. I wore a bikini top and shorts and it was heavenly to lie back with our limbs touching, listening to her sexy voice and feeling the sun on my face, heaven! In the afternoon she went out again with friends while I worked, and then in the evening we again settled down. We kept going through routines where we’d agree to watch a film or something, then get carried away in the bedroom and find that it was too late to start watching anything.

I have to say we had the best, kinkiest sex we’ve ever had, and we did things together that we’ve never done before. It was crazy and fun, loving and sensual, and I had some of the best orgasms of my life!!! I don’t want to go in to detail and yet I don’t want to not say much about what were perhaps the most intense physical experiences I’ve ever had, so all I will say is camcorder, fisting and double penetration. Fuck! Me! Come on don’t be shocked, I am a sex fiend afterall!

The rest of the time, when we weren’t in bed, because believe me that’s not all we did was spent eating good food, including my home made pineapple upsidedown cake and DL’s lovely gratin potatoes, as well as a gorgeous Italian and Mexican. Taking walks to the park together, DL coming to meet me after my lectures at uni, reading to one another and generally spending good, quality time together. Again as I’ve said before, we’re not rushing in to any decision making, it was what it was, and we both thoroughly enjoyed the time we spent together.

In other news as I mentioned in my previous post I landed the job in London, so I’m super happy about that. It’s only an 8 week contract to start with, but there’s the possibility of a permenant position at the end, and I’m hoping to impress them enough that they’ll take me on full time. So now I’m seriously looking for a place to live, anyone need a house mate? I’m also working like a mad head, it’s basically deadlines all the way until I finish uni on June 8th, so I’m super busy in that department. And today I also met with a woman I’ve been chatting to online for a little while. She lives just down the road and walks her dogs in the park opposite my house, so today she asked if I was home when we were online and came and met me in person. It was really nice, she has two dalmation dogs, one almost two, the other twelve, and the younger one went a bit crazy when she met Una. After a while in the flat she suggested a walk in the park, so we took all three dogs and went for a stroll. She’s called Carla, she’s a similar age to me, is a lesbian and a huge dog fan, so we get on well by all accounts. When she left we hugged and I invited her to a party I’m having on Saturday night. I’ve also chatted to a woman I fancy the pants off who is on my course at uni twice this week, which is unusual. She came and spoke to me the other day while we were waiting for a class, and then today while Sean and I were having lunch she came up to our table and invited us to a club night she’s DJing at next week. I’m not sure if she’s gay, or if she’s even interested, but I hope she is on both accounts. Yum yum!

Think that’s it for now, I’ll write more soon when I’m not so busy.

London Part Two

As I type this post I hear your groans of dismay coming at me across the world wide web, you’ll see why in a minute.

This second post concerns the time I spent with DL while I was in the big smoke. And yes I know I said I’d stop talking about her ages ago and I haven’t, but maybe there’s a valid reason for that. One could look at it in two ways. One: I’ve had three lovers since DL and I separated. Each has been casual and I have wanted nothing from any of them other than the physical pleasure we can offer each other. Sounds clinical, but it’s true. So, I’ve been lacking an emotional connection since DL and I broke up and I’m missing that, which could be why I’m feeling the way I am about her. The second way of looking at the situation is that my feelings for her could possibly be trying to tell me something vital about what should happen between us in the future. Obviously we broke up for extremely valid reasons and I try to keep them in mind, especially of late. And since she left I’ve coped remarkably well I think, but I can’t escape the fact that I have missed her. This is perfectly normal I hear you saying, it’s bound to happen because you spent two years together. I know this, but it’s like I’ve said before, I’m not happier these days than when I’m with her. We can be doing anything, just going for dinner, or shopping, or driving in the car, and I feel so relaxed and content, a feeling I just can’t seem to replicate when she’s not around.

When I was in London we spent quite a lot of time together. On Monday night we went for dinner in an upmarket Italian restaurant near westminister bridge, and afterwards walked along the Thames with the dog. To be quite honest I didn’t want the evening to end, and my will power broke and I found myself asking her to spend the night and wanting it more than anything. It wasn’t even about sex, it was about the closeness of being with her, feeling her body next to mine, cuddling close to her when I woke up in the middle of the night, smelling her skin and feeling the softness of her lips. Back at where I was staying I lay on the bed while she massaged my feet, and laughed hysterically because I just felt an overwhelming sense of release that I haven’t done for months. I laughed until tears ran down my cheeks and my body shook, she alternating between laughing with me and looking mildly concerned at my heightened emotional state. She declined the offer of staying over, and although I was disappointed I admired her will power because I know she wanted too more than anything. But we hugged at the door and she left, and I had a long hot bath and an orgasm and went to sleep.

On Wednesday she came over in the morning with croissants and I was in the shower when she arrived. I opened the door dripping wet in a towel and darted back to the shower, freezing cold to finish washing my hair. Without hesitation she followed me in to the bathroom and the sexual chemistry between us was apparent to us both. I knew she was looking at my body and I told her to go in to the kitchen while I got dressed, and when I was decent I followed her to have breakfast. I can’t really remember how we spent the next hour but I know we ate and sat together on the sofa and chatted about random things, and I don’t quite know how it happened but she picked me up and headed for the bedroom. We cuddled on the bed and muttered something about going out shopping, and then we made love. There it is, I’ve said it. After two months of not seeing each other and not even daring to think about the incredible sex we always had, we made love. It was incredible, and I didn’t regret a single minute of it. The connection I had been lacking over the past few months was right there, I swear I could have orgasmed without her even touching me, the mental stimulation was there and it was amazingly intense. Afterwards we were languid and happy and lay for a while just kissing before getting up and heading out shopping in to Harrow. We ate dinner in a lovely Chinese restaurant, and then headed back to the flat. That night was emotional and sensual and intense and loving, everything we wanted it to be. We kissed and touched and massaged each other with oils, listened to soft music, held each other, the love making was firstly soft and gentle and then wild and passionate, crazy dirty like it used to be. She read my mind, pressed my buttons, took me to heights I’d forgotten existed. I know it sounds corny, but that’s really the way it was. We fell asleep in each others arms, and didn’t let go all night. In the morning we stayed in bed way past the time we should have got up, then packed and drove to the station. We reluctantly said goodbye and I went back to Sheffield hating every mile that took me further away from London, and away from her.

We did a lot of talking during that time, the main conclusions of which are that neither of us are going to rush in to anything. We both acknowledge that we needed to break up because things weren’t going the way we wanted them too, but we are also, both of us, trying to take steps to change things. She is much more relaxed, I noticed when her Tomtom stopped working in the car, she just took it in her stride whereas at one time it would have probably gone through the window. She is also seeking counceling and looking for a job, all steps in the right direction. I’m not expecting big things, but it says a lot that she’s trying to get her life together much more independently than she would have done six months ago, and that, added to the way I feel about her is what is making me think twice about being without her. So we’ve both agreed it’ll be at least another six months before we sit down and have a conversation about whether we’re going to be friends, or give it another go, and neither of us are expecting the other to wait around until then either. If she’s found some one else by then, I’ll have to deal with it, and vice versa. I just can’t describe how perfect the other day was, and I’m not just talking about the bedroom, I mean everything. The way we talked, laughed, just spent time in comfortable silence, it was all wonderful. When talking to friends I’ve had mixed reactions. Some people aren’t at all surprised and think we’ll end up getting back together, whereas others think that I should cut all contact with her for a while and distance myself completely, but I tried that for a few weeks and we both hated it. I know for me it was the most miserable time ever, and I felt like my best friend was lost as well as my partner. Getting back together with her might not even happen, but I have to accept the fact that it is a possibility, because I can’t ignore the feelings I have about her, or how I miss her when we’re apart and how I feel when we’re together, the connection we have and how it’s just not like that with anyone else. She understands the way I think and feel, she knows me inside out, she knows how my mind works and she can read me like a book. Of course it might be something that we can’t repair and we’ll end up just being very close friends, I’m just looking down all the avenues. I don’t know if we could be together in the long term, it’s something we have to work out together over a long period of time. Neither of us want to get hurt again which is why we’re taking it very slowly and giving each other lots of time and space to think things through. This is a unique situation for me, never before have I wanted to get back with an ex once I’ve made the decision to split, I’m certainly not in the habbit of clinging on to relationships the way I am with this one, but likewise nor have I ever loved some one so much before and wanted something to work so badly. I’m going to use my head and follow my heart and see where it leads me, hopefully it’ll be in the right direction as far as this is concerned.

I’ve also decided to stop having casual sex for a while, as it’s really not helping things. I know that for me casual sex is of course about getting physical pleasure, but it’s also about wanting to feel close to some one, and when you’re not in a relationship the easiest way to do that is to do the casual no strings thing. But I’ve realised lately that it’s not helping me. I want something from my sexual partners that they can’t give to me, and it’s not their fault it’s mine, because although I’m craving the closeness I’m also blocking it because I’m fully aware that it’s casual and that they, or I could leave at any time, especially when situations happen as with casual lover and that whole mess. So I’m going to make some time for myself, which will mean my sex toys will get a good working out, but I think it’ll do me good not to be involved with absolutely anyone for a while. So hear’s to the soul searching, sort of celibate me for a while.

You just know though that when you tell yourself you can’t have sex it’s all you think about. I’ve been reading an anthology of anal erotica over the past few days, I get the feeling I'll be doing the kit cat shuffle a lot! :)

Jet Lag!

Shit! I am seriously jet lagged, it’s almost one in the morning and I feel like it’s the middle of the afternoon. Fuck!

The last three days in New Orleans sped by. On Saturday we went to the mall in the morning and then to the French Quarter again in the afternoon where I bought some bits to take back home. Then in the evening we went on the dinner cruise that Kerry had booked for us a few weeks previously. The food was delicious, seasoned chicken with garlic potatoes and southern style spinach, with bread pudding for dessert. After we ate dinner we headed out on deck and listened to the jazz band play while the river crept by beneath us and it was really lovely apart from it being slightly too cold to stand still for long. We wondered around, looked in the gift shop and then went to sit out again so that Kerry could view the New Orleans skyline as we headed back up river. It was around ten when the cruise ended and we headed back to the hotel and chatted for ages before going to bed. We talked a little about past relationships, and our discovery of our feelings for women, it was definitely good to get to know Kerry a little better.

On Sunday morning we headed to Kerry’s house and I met her two lovely pooches, Iris and Nelly who immediately took a liking to me. Then we headed out to Mississippi to go to the beach. It was a marvellous day, brilliant sunshine and it was really warm, and as soon as we were within throwing distance of the water I wanted to get in. It took a little coaxing for Kerry to actually get her whole body in to the ocean as she thought the water a little cold, and we swam around and flicked water at each other and luxuriated in the calm waters of the bay. After that we lay on towels to dry and then headed back at around four as we were going out with Kerry’s parents for dinner that evening. Her family are lovely people, her brother is very sweet and her parents really interesting and good conversation. We went to a seafood restaurant and I had, yes you guessed it, fried shrimp, my favourite, and when dinner was over Kerry and I headed to Bourbon street which is where most of New Orleans night life is situated. We went to a gay bar which proved interesting, being more male oriented than female, and then I sampled a hurricane drink which was delicious.

On Monday we rose a little later than usual and then headed out to Oak Ally, a sugarcane plantation about forty five minutes drive away. We were given a guided tour of the beautiful old house with some history on the plantation, and on the way home we stopped to get a McDonalds ice-cream Sunday. I’m making a point of telling you this because they stopped selling them in the UK about ten years ago and I used to be crazy about the caramel ones. So when I discovered through Kerry that they still sold them in the US, well of course I had to have one. It was divine! In the evening we headed to a lovely Italian restaurant and then stopped at the store where Kerry bought me a huge fluffy pink Easter bunny, so cute!

So yesterday morning we were up and making sure that everything was packed and arrived at the airport by ten thirty. Kerry was given a special pass to let her through to the gate which was nice and she stayed with me until it was time to get on the plane. We did have a serious moment when she asked me if there was any hope of us having a relationship when she moved to the UK, and I did feel a little awkward because we’ve always been clear about the fun we’ve had being casual. I explained as nicely as I could that I’m really not looking for anything right now and that I just wanted her friendship, and she seemed ok with that, more worried that she’d asked the wrong question than anything, so I hope I’ve not disappointed her or hurt her feelings in any way.

So yes, in total I travelled for more than 24 hours spanning yesterday and today. First I took a flight to Dallas which lasted an hour and a half, then I had a three hour wait to get my connection, then took a nine hour flight to London, which is six hours ahead of New Orleans time. So by the time we touched down at Gatwick it was 8 in the morning and I felt shattered. It took until around nine to get through customs and baggage reclaim, and I was so pleased to see DL still there waiting for me. My phone hadn’t been working properly and I was afraid she’d panic and wonder where I was because it took so long to get through the airport. But she was there and we headed to her car for the drive through London to the train station. I don’t know why but when we were in the car I felt so emotional, it’d been so long since we’d seen each other, and to be honest I’d been feeling a little empty inside lately. But when I saw her there in the airport it was like some one had pulled the plug on all my feelings, and I sat there in the car with my heart full and aching, feeling like some one had punched me in the stomach, and I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I felt so embarrassed and when she asked what was wrong I just said that I was tired and not to worry and she didn’t push it any further. On the way to the station we stopped for some breakfast and spent time chatting, and then I dozed most of the rest of the way there. She kept making me jump by resting her hand on my leg when I was half asleep and I felt bad for being sleepy when it had been two months since we’d seen each other. At the train station we arrived to discover I’d just missed a train home and had to wait an hour for the next one, so we sat in a café and drank strong coffee. By now I was feeling like death warmed up and was longing to lie down somewhere, anywhere to sleep. DL said that she wanted to come home with me and we laughed and I told her she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes with her. We did lots of flirting and she made lots of sexual innuendos, little minx, and we’re meeting up for dinner next week when I’m back in London. When the train was ready to leave we had the biggest hug and she reluctantly pulled away, saying that she didn’t want me to leave. I felt sad too, and am starting to realise how fucked up this situation is. I don’t seem to feel anything anymore unless I’m with her, and when she’s there it’s like I come alive. I keep thinking about the reasons why we separated and know they were valid and genuine, but part of me can’t help wondering what if we gave it another go? Maybe we’d learn from our mistakes and not make them again twice. God it’s so messed up, and I’m well aware that we both need time and space and at least another few months needs to pass before we can even think about reconsidering the relationship stuff. I just don’t know what to do. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I feel safe with her? Yes. Does she make me happy? Hmm, at the moment when we see each other, yes, but not so much when things got bad between us. Do I think it could work again? I really don’t know. The chemistry and electricity is still there between us, I feel like I’m home when she’s close to me, but it was such an incredibly hard decision to make leaving her and it was so painful that I know I need to be 200 per cent sure that I’m doing the right thing if I were to go back to her. And right now I’m not, so I guess that’s that for the time being…

So here I am, in bed wide awake, totally jet lagged, not being able to sleep when I actually have the chance too, a million thoughts running through my head. I finally got home at around six this evening after a two and a half hour train journey, and called the people who were looking after Una straight away so that they could bring her home. I missed my baby girl so much and she went crazy when she saw me, I don’t know who was more pleased, me or the dog. So we’ve spent most of the evening on the sofa together while I’ve caught up on the l-word and tried not to think about everything I have to do within the next few weeks. For a start I have to work my arse off studying, I have three assignments to write, three presentations to prepare, plus a pile of books to read and it’s all due in very, very soon. I’m also in London next week as I mentioned earlier doing some work experience with a grants company which will be interesting but I’ll be very busy I think. On Friday of this week mum is coming over for the day to bring the rest of my things that she took home in her suitcase, and then in the evening Casual Lover is coming over and staying the night. Apparently she’s missed “my good loving” while I’ve been away so I get the feeling I’ll need my energy. Why then do I get the feeling I’ll be awake half the night and asleep most of tomorrow? Damn the time difference between the UK and US, it’s thrown me completely. Anyone want to sing me a lullaby? Lol.

damn my heart

I wish I didn't miss her. But I do... I miss driving alongside her in the car, resting my had on hers. I miss wrapping my arms around her when she came home from work, or waiting naked in our bed for her to come find me. I miss holding her at night, sleeping in her arms and waking up by her side. I miss making love to her, that deep, incredible connection we shared that was unbelievably intense. I miss the little things, talking and laughing with her, going to the cinema with her and sitting holding her hand throughout the film. I miss dating her, touching hands and locking eyes over dinner. I miss going away with her, traveling, sitting on the beach or lying side by side by the pool. I miss the little romantic gestures, the flowers, the starbux frappaccinos that she'd bring home for me, just the little things that would make me know she'd been thinking about me when we were apart. I miss HER. And I hate feeling like this. Will it last? I don't know. Right now I feel like I just want to run to her and be with her. I'm so, so torn. I don't want to go back to her because of the way things were, yet my heart cries out for her all the same.

Setting The Record Straight

Sorry it’s been a couple of weeks since I wrote, I’ve really just been too busy and had too much I wanted to say but have not known where to start.

Firstly, it is now only nine days until I go to the US, and I can’t tell you how excited I am about it. It was a month ago today I booked the trip, and I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed. I think it’s because I’ve been so busy with uni, socialising and sorting out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life that time is just zooming by. So what’s been happening? Well, I’ve applied to do a summer internship with a company and have gotten through to the assessment centre stage, woo! They tried to arrange it for next Tuesday but I just can’t do it and so we’re trying to sort something out for when I get back from the US. I’m also considering doing a masters in Creative Writing starting in September as a fallback in case I can’t find work, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but origionally wanted to wait a while before doing so. But I’ve been looking at possible universities and I’m so far considering Manchester, London, Sheffield and UEA. I’ll keep you poasted on that one. Socially I’ve been having a great time and am having to decline offers of going out so that I can stay home and actually get some work done. As far as my casual lover goes, I went from seeing her lots and lots to hardly at all over the past couple of weeks, mainly because we’ve both been busy and she’s sold her car, but on Friday night she came and stayed over for the first time which was lovely. We watched a dvd and had nibbles and then went to bed and had great sex, and then in the morning I got up while she was sleeping and made breakfast which we had in bed. Then we had more great sex and then showered together which was lovely, and she went home in the early afternoon. It was great to actually spend some quality time together rather than her just coming over and us fucking and she leaving. She’s also texted me to say what a great time she had and we plan to see each other soon, although it probably won’t be until I get back from the US now because I seem to have stuff on every night next week.

On Saturday night I went to a random hippy party with my friend Simon, which really wasn’t my scene but was an experience I’ll never forget. It was basically a load of random people in the back garden of a house listening to jungle music and taking lots of drugs, which I avoided. Very, very random but definitely an experience. Sunday I worked and then when to Simon’s for dinner. We had vegetable pie with potatoes and a home made cake. I’ve not had pie in years and it tasted amazing! On Monday I went to Slimming World and I’ve now lost half a stone, woohoo! I want to lose some more before I go to the US though, where I’ll probably put it all back on lol. Afterwards I went for drinks with Frankie, Reed and Rosie which was fab, Rosie has recently split up with her boyfriend of four years so that came as a shock. Everyone is still breaking up at the moment it’s crazy.

The reason my post is called Setting The Record Straight, is because I did want to have a little moan. I don’t often bitch, but this is something I feel quite strongly about, and I feel that writing about it may help to defuse my anger a little. DL has started a new blog, for those of you who want to read it you can go here.
http://lifeintheelectricchair.blogspot.com
From this, and from talking to certain people over the past couple of weeks I now gather that she thinks that I’m a complete bitch, that I’m no longer the person she loved, honoured and respected, and that she believes that I played her for two years, and dropped her when she was no longer useful to me. This sincerely pisses me off because she knows full well the reasons why I chose to end the relationship, and it wasn’t because I was being a bitch as she seems to think. I can’t believe she is so far detached from reality to forget everything we talked about and to delude herself in to thinking that her only crime was to love me unconditionally. Yeah, WHATEVER!!! So… I am now going to write here what I actually want to say to her, in the hope that it will be in some part cathartic and I’ll feel better. She can’t read this either so it’s for my benefit only not to get back at her in a bitchy way…

“How on earth can you possibly come to the conclusion that I’m the bitch and that I was playing you and using you? Surely you don’t honestly believe that is true, despite what those people who didn’t like me or our relationship might try to convince you is true? How could I have done such a thing for two years? We were together, we loved each other and I did try to make it work. I didn’t leave because I’m a bitch, I left because the way you treated me changed my feelings for you beyond anything I could repair. I was unhappy and so I decided we would be better off apart. Are you forgetting about all the shit that went on? Yes there were good times, amazing times. Times that changed my life and that I will always love you for. But what about the things that really did make me leave you, the anger, aggression and paranoid jealousy that tormented our relationship. No matter how much I tried to show you I loved you it was never enough. You never seemed to believe me, you hated when I went out with my friends without you, asking me who I’d been humping on the dance floor this time. At one point you tried to tell me what I could and couldn’t wear when going out without you, and when I did go out you made things so uncomfortable for me that it wasn’t worth the hastle I knew I would get from you. During the first half of our relationship you let your mother treat me like shit just because she didn’t like the fact that she no longer controlled your life and what happened in it. You did nothing to defend me nor to stop that, it was painful and insulting and I never forgave you for not standing up for me. When I said I was going to Africa for a month, ONE Month, you hit the roof and said that if I loved you I wouldn’t go. When I did go you made my life a misery in the weeks leading up to my departure and when I got back you accused me a fucking other people out there and wouldn’t look at my pictures and went crazy when I got an email from anyone I’d worked with out there. You embarrassed and humiliated me in public, one time I vividly remember bursting in to tears because you shouted at me and called me names in front of my friends. If you had a bad day at work you took it out on me verbally. Any time I wanted to do anything extra like join a group or something, you often didn’t want to go with me but didn’t want me to go without you either. You’ve called me a bitch, a cunt, a slut, and countless other names. It was me, not you who loved you to death and it was me who put up with all that shit for two fucking years, and tried and tried to make it work again and again. I opened myself up to you, let you in to every part of me physically and emotionally. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with you, I wanted to marry you and have kids with you etc etc, and you know what? You fucked it, not me, you! So you can sit there all high and mighty and say that you didn’t do anything wrong, but we both know the truth, don’t we… So you know what, fuck you!”

That’s all I have to say on the matter. It’s over, it’s fucking over and done with and I refuse to part take anymore in her stupid fucking fantasy of what our relationship was really like. No one ever really knew the extent of the emotional abuse, because now that’s what I believe it was. I was too embarrassed to talk about it while we were together, I’m usually a strong person and I know that if some one came to me with all the shit I’ve mentioned plus more, I’d tell them to get out of the relationship, and that is what I eventually told myself to do. I’m glad I did it, I feel stronger for it, and looking back I can’t believe I let her do to me what she ddid, and control and manipulate me in the way she did. All I can say is that I feel sorry for her, and frankly she needs to go get help. So let it be known that no matter how she tries to twist things and say it was all my fault and that she didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment, this is the way it was. After all, if she was so perfect, I would never have left now would I? And if there are those who think I am just a bitch and played her and dropped her, well then get out of my life because I don’t need, and will no longer tolerate that negativity. Not anymore. My new life has started…

I feel awful today. Well, truthfully I’ve been feeling bad for a few days now, but this morning it’s almost unbarable. Today I lay in bed way past the time I should have gotten up, just trying not to think and not wanting to get up and have to face the world. When I did get up, I made a bowl of serial and cried in to it. Today I feel like I did when DL and I first split up a couple of months back. Most of the time I’m ok, as much as in that I can deal with things and get on with it. But other times, like now, the pain comes in short sharp bursts that physically take my breath away and leave me aching inside. All I want to do at the moment is sleep. I can’t sleep enough. I think it’s because when I’m sleeping, I’m not feeling or thinking, and so I constantly feel tired throughout the day, sluggish and like I can’t think straight. Am I depressed? I don’t know. I don’t like that label because it suggests it’s something that is happening to you that you cannot control, and I’d like to think I can to some extent. The truth is, that although I’m getting on and moving on with my life, sometimes I miss her so badly that all I can think about is hearing her voice, or being held by her. I know that right now she thinks that I’m pushing her away because I don’t need her, when in actual fact I’m doing it so that she has the space and time to get over me so that we can hopefully have a friendship out of this mess. But sometimes it’s so hard, when all I want to do is call her and tell her how much I miss her and how I hate not talking, and that she’s the person that knows me best and I wouldn’t have to even say all those things because she’d already know anyway. I just hurt, and right now I feel like I can’t deal with the pain. I just want to shut myself away and sleep, sleep for hours, days, until I can wake up feeling ok again. I want to reach out to her, lean on her, but I can’t and won’t because it’s not fair. How is she ever going to heal if I’m constantly pulling at the stitches? I guess I just need to find another way of coping that doesn’t involve her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I made the decision I did, and I think that it’s for the best, but sometines I just miss her more than I can stand. Now I have to get ready to leave the house and find a way to somehow get through the rest of today.

Romantic friends

Ok, now I’ve gone private and all that, I feel it’s time to give you a true insight in to what the dealio is with regards to my love life…

Yesterday was of course Valentine’s day. It was bound to be a strange one, I was trying to work out the ratio of single V days to ones where I’ve been with some one, and the single ones amount to hardly any and they were when I was younger so they weren’t really as significant. So yesterday I woke up, feeling a little odd, and sent DL a text message saying I hope she was ok and that I was thinking of her. I didn’t get a response, but then later in the day a dozen red roses were delivered from her. I honestly don’t know how I feel about that, it’s lovely to know she still cares, but it was quite surreal getting flowers from an ex. Then I started to feel bad because I hadn’t sent her anything, but then was like, ‘well why should I? We aren’t together anymore’. Then I got a bunch of emails from her with different letters she’d written to me over the course of the relationship, she sent them apparently to make sure I had them to keep. So I spoke to her briefly on skype to thank her, and she started getting emotional and upset so we ended the conversation. All in all she’s doing reasonably well, but yesterday put her back a bit I think. I’m hoping it’s just a temporary blip though and she’ll continue to move forward…

What did make the day better, or should I say who, was my sexy southern lover, SSL. I’m sure it doesn’t take a lot of working out to figure out who I’m talking about, but the truth is we’ve gotten very close recently and we’re, I guess what one might call romantic friends. Anyway I received a card and phone calls from her which was lovely, and it’s only 35 days until we get to spend some time together in person rather than on the phone. The situation at the moment with me is that I’m really not looking for anything serious, but it’s lovely to be able to connect with some one the way SSL and I do, with no promises or ties, and a good solid friendship underneath that we can fall back on if things go askew romantically. Plus she drives me crazy with desire which is lovely to experience again. I guess I just feel disillusioned in terms of relationships right now, I’m still getting over the last one and some fun and friendship is where I’m at right now.

I’ve also moved on in the physical sense, this being with the woman I met at the club a few weeks ago. We’ve seen each other maybe five or six times in total, and we have a casual, no strings arrangement going on which is wonderful. She comes over a couple of times a week, we chat and spend time and have great sex, and we both know where we stand and neither of us want anything more. Like me, she too has recently come out of a serious relationship and so it suits us both just fine. I don’t know much about her, her family, childhood etc, in fact I don’t even know her last name. I do know her age and what she does for a living, and I actually like the air of mystery and the slight anonymity that goes with it all. Right now I’m just living for the present, and enjoying the dirty text messages and booty calls and general spontaneity that goes with being single…

I’m still manically busy, very tired, trying to squeeze lots in to everyday, being late for everything, and you know, I am loving every minute of it. I really do feel genuinely happy at the moment, something which I’ve not been for along time. People keep commenting on my hyperactivity and general zest for life, which is lovely and makes me wonder what I must have been like when I was with DL, especially towards the end of the relationship. So my current motto? Take life by the balls and twist! And if you want something, go out there and get it! And oh my god, it’s only 30 days until I fly to the US!

New York Baby!

Yes, I'm coming to the good old US of A! Anyone live in New York?...

This is one of my crazy, impulsive, let's just do it trips that I don't do very often, but when I do, I go all out. I was thinking about the trip to China at easter, and there were a few things that were getting in the way of it all running smoothly. For a start I couldn't book the flights until fairly late which put the cost right up, and my dear friend who I intended to visit is at uni so it would restrict what we could do. I did also plan to go to New York this year for my birthday, although not around the time of it because of my finals, so I thought about swapping them around. I mentioned it to my mother and she thought it would be a possibility, and then I started looking at flights. They were coming up really cheaply, and there were two people I really wanted to go and visit too, that is my friend Baby G who is in St Louis for six months, and Kerry, (Chasing Midnight). So i calculated the round trip and it was still coming up at an affordable price, so I started getting really excited. Anyway the long and short of it is, after days and days of consulting with people, looking at flights and hotels, I am now going to New York with my mother, and then on to spend five days with Kerry in New Orleans, and this is happening in March! I am so excited I can't put it in to words, and when I had finally booked all the flights and hotels I just screamed and bounced around for ages, along with my mother who is also equally as excited as I am. I think she's a little nervous about flying home by herself but she'll be fine if she doesn't think about it. So yes, the USA, here I come!!!!! In NY we're staying in a hotel in Greenwich village so we're at the centre of everything, and in New Orleans I'm staying near the French Quarter, and Kerry will be staying with me. She's already started planning what we're going to do with the time we have, which leaves me to think about what I'm going to do in New York. I definitely want to go shopping and to the theatre, any other suggestions are very welcome.

In other news I've started back at uni, and already I feel like I'm five paces behind my life. I don't think i've been on time for any appointment this week and I'm dead on my feet. I also decided to cut contact with DL on Friday because I didn't feel that her calling me everyday was doing her any good. It was terribly hard to do, but I think it's for the best. I spoke with her briefly online yesterday and she sounds much better and more positive so I think it was a step in the right direction. I'm also learning a lot about myself and the relationships I make during this whole process, not only with DL, but with others also. Last night i lost a person who I considered to be a friend, because all of a sudden the connection we had is lost. I'm not sure if it's me with the emotional issues, or her, or both. I do know that I am in the process of grieving for what I lost with DL, and also healing and putting myself back together again. Time is a great healer, I do honestly believe that. It's also snowing here, for the firsst time in ages, which is pretty if not a pain in the ass. I've already been out today throwing snowballs at the dog, she loves it! She chases them and then eats them when she catches them, bless her. So yes, that's my news, only five more weeks and then I'm going trans atlantic!

Changing, staying the same

Ok, so I haven't changed blogs just yet, I'm still debating the matter, so in the meantime here's what's been going on in the world of me.

So I finally got all my essays handed in, the last one on the 24th. Can't tell you how good it felt to be done with them all, I spent most of that day being absolutely shattered though and had a long lie in the day after. Last Thursday I went out with a group of friend's from uni which was lovely. We went to a gay club in town and I had a great time. Now I'm the kind of person who never gets a girl in clubs. Whether it's because I don't make eye contact with people and so can't start anything with anyone because it's just too loud to have a conversation, or whether it's simply because i'm not attractive to lesbian clubbers I have no idea, but on this occasion I did! Virtually as soon as we got in there our group was approached by a woman who went round introducing herself and chatting to each of us. I remember thinking it must be wonderful to be so confident that you can walk up to a group of strangers and just start a conversation and I admired her for that. She came over to me and we started talking and dancing, and I remember thinking she was reasonably atractive. Then she said she was there with her friend, and introduced her to me, and oh my, her friend was lovely. She said she's recently split from her girlfriend and was on a night out, so we were in a similar situation which was good. We were chatting and dancing and she made sure I always had a full glass which was lovely. I said to S, a gay male friend of mine how lovely she was, and apparently she had also said similar to him, so we kind of got pushed together and left to dance away from the group. So you know what came next, she asked if she could kiss me and I said yes, and we spent the rest of the evening dancing, talking and kissing and it was soooo nice. She was a fantastic kisser and that's important to me, if a girl can't kiss propperly it puts me right off. By the end of the night we had exchanged numbers and she's texted me asking me out on a date, so we're going some time next week. I'm really looking forward to it. I also received lots of comments about how amazing my breasts are from several different women which was a major high point for me. I should wear that red top more often.

On the Friday, DL arrived for the weekend. I can't remember whether I mentioned she was coming, but she wanted to collect the rest of her things and to catch up with friends in sheffield, so she stayed for the weekend. All in all we had a nice time. It was emotional for both of us, but we didn't really fight that much and we went shopping and out for food and i cooked a lot and we generally just spent time together inn between her catching up with her friends. I did however fuck up, and yes, I know I fucked up, without anyone else passing comment, including DL's best friend who decided to lay in to me verbally yesterday. The truth is, when she arrived on Friday night, we were both feeling emotional, we'd missed each other and so we ended up in bed together. I have to say that I regretted it as soon as it'd happened, and when we discussed it I told her so and that it didn't feel right because we are no longer together. For the most part she agreed, so I'm noping it's provided some closure for us both now. When she left yesterday morning she was very emotional and we don't plan to see each other for a while now, to give us both and especially her space and time to move on. So that's it, it's done, over, finito, and the physical stuff will most certainly NOT happen again.

Other than that, I'm out every night this week doing various different things, including going for drinks with friends tomorrow and out on Friday for a friend's birthday. A school friend, the one I'm hopefully going to go and visit in China in March is possibly coming to stay for a couple of days too, and it'll be great to see her and catch up on her hectic life. In terms of the grrl front, I obviously have a date next week, I'm meeting up with a spanish woman who I met through the local lesbian group for coffee, I might be having another visitor the weekend after this one and one woman is being a bit too full on while another is backing off. I'm not naming names. So... we'll see how it goes. Right now I'm off to get breakfast and have a lazy day in my pajamas.

Another mad week gone by!
Just realised I haven't posted all week... I think i'm losing my mind!

I really just need life to slow down at the moment and let me catch up, but it's not going to and so I have to do a bit of jogging and catch up with life!

Monday was spent trying to finish off my essay and doing more work for uni, and so was pretty uneventful. Monday night we went to bed at about eleven and
made love and fell asleep at around twelvish. I was woken at four by puking sounds coming from the bathroom, and DL was nowhere in sight. Dragging myself
out of sleep I went in to the bathroom and found her kneeling over the loo emptying out the romantic meal we'd eaten earlier. She was up and down from
the bedroom to the bathroom for the rest of the night, and all of Tuesday, and I ended up taking the morning off because neither of us got much sleep,
to look after her. Poor thing, she just lay on the sofa all day not moving, and that was how I knew she felt like shit, because she usually insists on
getting up to do things. She started to get hungry later in the evening, and she'd tried some toast a little earlier and kept it down, so I made her a
baked potato with chicken, and she managed to keep most of it down thankfully. We went to bed on Tuesday night, and she slept right through until mid day
on Wednesday, which did her the world of good. She's feeling much better now.

On Wednesday I dragged my very tired self out of bed and made it in to uni for both lectures. I also handed in my crappy essay, which I neither had the
energy or the inclination to make any better than it was, and have no idea what kind of mark I'll get for it, not a high one I'm thinking. DL was awake
when I got back home, and her friend Jackson was visiting from Dorset, so the two of us and him and Doofus went to the pub for lunch, which was great!
We spent most of the afternoon in there, and then DL and I went to the hairdressers to get hair cuts. In the evening DL went to see Doofus, and Kim came
round with poetry and Baclava (don't ask me how to spell it, it's a turkish/greek pastry), and I opened a bottle of wine. It was really great to catch
up with her, as I hadn't seen her since before easter, she read some of her amazing poetry to me, and we chatted about everything you could think of until
midnight, when I protested that I had to be up early and she left. Twas a fab evening though!

This is where the drama comes in. I have no idea what happened to me last night, the only thing I can say is that for some reason I completely lost the
plot for a couple of hours. DL arrived home just after midnight, and I was a bit miffed at how late it had gotten (which was both our fault), because I
wanted some loving. So we got in to bed, and she chose that moment to tell me that when her mother phoned earlier, she said that she wanted DL to come
and work with her in her office in London for the time being. This would mean that DL would be in London during the week and come back here at the weekends.
Well I don't know, I just completely lost it. I guess I took it personally that she expected or even considered that DL would half move out of the home
we've put so much effort in to making wonderful together, to go and live back with her parents during the week, leaving me here on my own for 90 per cent
of the time. I'm sorry, but we are not paying the price we are to live here to have a semi long distance relationship. If that was an option, DL would
have looked for a job in London when she graduated, and I would have moved in with other students, so at least I wouldn't be on my own. Anyway I got really
angry and upset, and said that her mum obviously didn't value our relationship very much and it was obvious she hadn't given a thought to how I would feel
about the situation, and lots more irrational things. It all came because I hadn't realised until then how stressed I've been lately, what with uni, stuff
with my mum etc etc, and I guess I didn't have time to rejuvinate over easter because we were in London. So basically I fell apart and cried for two hours
solid. It was horrible actually, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Every time I tried to stop I couldn't, it just got worse, and I thought it
would never stop. To be fair, DL was wonderful, she just kept telling me everything would work out with my mother and her mother and uni and everything,
and she held me and told me she loved me, and that she hadn't even considered her mother's offer etc etc. We eventually settled down at around three this
morning, and I missed a lecture at ten, but made it in for eleven. I feel much better today, I guess I just lost the plot temporarily. I'm still a bit
miffed that her mother on the one hand is lovely to me and seems to support our commitment, and then on the other hand she does things which I feel completely
undermines it. I think she'd just be happier if DL said she was moving back home for good. Even if I was ok with her going to London, and she wanted to,
we both talked this morning and agreed it wouldn't solve the long term problem of finding a permenant job, because while she's working in London, she's
not looking for a job here, and still paying rent to only half live in our house, so what would be the point. Anyway, that was last night lol, crazy I
know.

I have to go to the doctors shortly to sort out my injections for Africa, and don't think we're doing a lot tonight. Tomorrow my dad's coming over with
the dog for the day, and there's a possibility that my uncle, aunty and their two kids are coming to visit for the weekend. I just want to shut myself
away from the world for a while and collect my thoughts, and prepare myself for the next few months. The trouble is there's no let up, for a while at least,
I'm just going to have to keep going. I know I must sound like a moaning bitch, because people have things to deal with that are much worse, I guess I'm
just a bit stressed and worn out. Still here though, and will keep you posted.