Sunday, December 16, 2007

Moving Home

I absolutely hate moving around and it drives me insane when other people do it, but for reasons explained on my new blog, it's time to leave blogger behind. I have to say we have had a fabulous relationship, she has always been good to me but there's one vital thing I am missing, and that is more privacy. My new blogging partner can satisfy this need, even if I am still struggling to get to know her and she doesn't look as easy to handle as blogger. But needs must, so that is that. My dear and faithful readers, will you please update your blog rolls, tell your friends, spread the word in whatever way you can and follow me
Hope to see you there. xx

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Office Xmas Party

Ug! I feel like death! It was the xmas party of the company I used to work for last night and I got an invite so went along. I have to say I haven't been that wasted in a while but I was one of about 400 people who were all hammered so at least I wasn't the only one. The party was held at a beautiful stately home type place that has been converted for public use in Belgravia and the theme was Las Vegas. I wore a black dress which was long and low cut with kitten heels, my hair down and my set of rose quartz jewelery. I think I've lost some weight recently and felt really good last night and I was really excited about seeing all my coleagues again because they are lovely people. I don't think I did anything too embarrassing, I didn't grope the boss or end up shagging some one I worked with or anything like that, but I did fall over quite spectacularly on the dance floor. I was dancing with one of the gay guys who happened to be wearing a kilt and I guess I must have tried to wrap my legs around his waste or something, because one minute we were dancing, the next minute I was flat on my back on the floor with him on top of me, his kilt up around his arse and people lifting him off me and helping me up. It was actually quite hilarious, he was obviously too pissed to hold my weight so we'd just hit the floor instead. I'm amazed my back is ok today though.

H and S were also there, the married lesbian couple I made friends with through work and they were trying to set me up with some random gay girl who apparently works there but who I' had never seen before. I don't think she was particularly interested though because after dancing together for a while she wondered off and later I saw her in the loos having a rather passionate snog with some other woman, which was fine with me because I just wanted to dance and wasn't interested in getting laid. At the end of the night we were all trying to get cabs and they were few and far between, so I ended up sitting on the pavement, it seemed like a good idea at the time, and then when the cab droppped Caroline and me off near my house she tripped over and went sprawling and I went down with her, ending up on my back for the second time that night. I vaguely remember making us cups of tea when we got in and somehow managed to take the dog out for a wee and then we must have just collapsed in to bed because the next thing I remember is waking up at around six this morning in my underwear dying of thurst with Caroline flat out beside me.

Apart from the fact that I'm paying for getting totally wasted today it was a fantastic night. It was a free bar so I hardly spent any money, I got to catch up with everyone again, I danced my arse off and had a really good giggle and then spent this morning drinking tea, eating toast and reliving the night's events with Caroline. I'm supposed to be meeting Naughty Angel tonight and possibly some other people for a night out, I think I might suggest going for a civilised meal or something because I don't think I could drink again. Spanish Girl has been making noises about wanting to come over tomorrow so maybe I'll see her once more before christmas and that'll be it. She's going back to Spain in the new year for a while so it'll probably fizzle out naturally then anyway. I'm off to have a nice long bath with a bath bomb from Lush and try and get back to feeling human again.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

New toys for Christmas

I just got an email from the sex toy site that I’m going to be reviewing for, saying that my first toy has been shipped today. How exciting! It’s all thanks to
this blogger
that I found out about this in the first place and hopefully I’ll write a good enough review to carry on working with them. The toy I’m getting first of all is a G spot vibe, fine with me. I’ll post the link to the review as soon as it’s live on the site, but it won’t be for a while yet as the toy is coming from the US and with the Christmas rush of posting things it will probably take a couple of weeks to get here.

In other news, the rest of my mother’s stay went smoothly, mainly because I managed to make myself come in the middle of the night, very quietly and felt much better the next day. I’ve also been having absolutely incredible sex which I’m not going to write about too much and if I do it will be fairly anonymously because I want to keep this one for myself and savour the moment without writing about it. I also want to move my blog over to wordpress, but I’m hesitant because I’ve posted this blog address in so many places, and there’s so much stuff on blogger that I think moving home would be a nightmare. But I do like the idea of being able to password protect some posts so that only certain people have access to them. We’ll see, maybe in the new year. I can’t believe how close Christmas is, I go up north a week on Sunday and I found out yesterday that there are no trains coming in to Euston all over Christmas so getting back to London is going to be a god awful nightmare, fucking national rail. Isn’t it obvious that people are going to be travelling to see family etc over Christmas? Right, time to do something other than watch porn.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Infuriating Mothers and pent up sexual energy

The two together are making me one cranky mother fucker today. I've been dying dying dying to wank ever since yesterday and not being able to is driving me insane. To put it plainly, I need to come and I haven't had a minute to myself in which to do so. Last night I spent over an hour awake in the middle of the night, pent up sexual energy driving me insane and thoughts of filth preventing me from getting back to sleep. However as my mother was in my spare bed near by I obviously couldn't do much about it and today she has driven me insane. We went christmas shopping which was good in itself, but what drives me mad is that she lacks common sense and you have to explain the simplest things to her a million times before she understands them. I tried to tell her to get an Oister card today and we had the following conversation.
Me: "You have to touch in an out at each tube station."
Mum: "Why do I have to touch in, they hardly notice if you do or don't."
Me: "Because if they then make you touch out at your destination you'll get charged the maximum fair."
"Why? How will it know I've been anywhere at all, I could just be coming in to the station for all it knows."
Me: "Because you're touching out, not in and because it doesn't know where you've come from it'll charge you the maximum fair."
Thinking this was all explained and good we bought the Oister card, only to have her not touch in and then have the same argument with me over again until I got so het up that I just said, "for fuck's sake mother! Just swipe the bloody card, it's simple enough, otherwise it'll use up all the money you've just put on there." My mum being a tight arsed northerner didn't argue with this conclusion, I think she would have died if it swiped the tenner she'd just put on the card. We had similar arguments over different things throughout the day but I can't really remember what they were about to tell you now. One other was about tube lines, she didn't seem to understand why we had to change tubes and that it's not just all one big line of tube stops. She's been coming to London long enough to know by now surely. So we arrived home after five hours shopping and I just wanted to quietly check my emails and have a cup of tea and she's there going, "feed the dog, the dog needs feeding, put the TV on, what are we having to eat, feed the dog, put the TV on." Aaaaaaahhh!
Although I do love her obviously, I'll be so glad when she goes for a hopefully long shower later and I can have some time to myself. She's leaving tomorrow afternoon and I get the feeling tomorrow will be just as stressful, especially if I don't manage to make myself come in the short space of time I'll have later. Oh and another thing, she's also discovered the wonders of facebook and I had to spend the entirety of yesterday evening showing her how to use it and setting up her profile so that she could, wait for it, go and look for good looking men. She's worse than me I sware!
Ok, enough ranting, I'd better post this before she comes back from smoking her cigarette and talking on my phone in the kitchen. Give me strength!
PS: she is now going through my dvd's trying to find something to watch and she just said, "what is Closer about?" "You've seen it mum," I said. She stared at the DVD and said, "I can't remember it." "Well you have," I said. You can garantee she'll insist on putting it on and ten minutes in she'll say, "Oh yeah I have seen this haven't I."
Oh, and one last thing that has infuriated me today? My phone keeps beaping like I have a text message, and when I check it, there's nothing there. So either my phone is fucked, or I have a serious case of hearing things.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Thoughts of you

You. I've been thinking about you all day. This morning I lay in bed for an eternity replaying the scenes we created back in my head. For the rest of the day I've been half distracted, always somewhere else, wondering how you are and what you are doing, whether you are thinking about it too. Whether it was as amazing for you as it was for me. I find it strange having you in my head, thoughts of your voice, your kiss, the way you touched me, filled me, claimed me for those hours we got lost in each other. My pleasure, exquissit. The way your skin felt, incredible. And your tenderness made me want you all the more. I didn't expect to feel like this, to want to see you again, but I do. However if, and until then, kindly remove yourself from my thoughts so that I can stop walking around in a daze!

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Je vais a Paris!

I have spendtmost of the afternoon on the phone to friends in Sheffield, my friend Simon in Paris, and Eurostar, trying to get a trip to go and see him sorted out. I mentioned that I wanted to go a while back but that the tickets were too expensive, but we've managed to get really cheap ones going in January. So three of us, Frankie, Helen and I are all going to Paris for the weekend to visit Simon and I booked the tickets a few minutes ago. I'm very excited, I haven't been there since I was a child and it'll be lovely to have a sort of girlie weekend away with friends to blast away any new year blues.

In other news this week my sex drive seems to have gone through the roof. How high can it get you might be thinking, but remember when I had that week of not masturbating at all? Well I've definitely been making up for it this week, my BOF's haven't had so much atention in a while. On a mental score I'm feeling really great at the moment as well, and although I do hope DL is doing ok I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am no longer being made to feel guilty for living my life without her.

Yesterday I was in the office all day doing my charity stuff and then Baby G and CC came over for dinner in the evening. Today I haven't done much at all and I'm having a night in front of the TV tonight saving my pennies and avoiding the rain that has been pouring continuously for what feels like weeks now. Tomorrow Mr C is coming over for another jamming session and that reminds me I need to learn a song in preparation so I'll be doing that tonight as well. On Monday my mother is visiting for a few days and then I have two christmas parties to go to at the end of the week. I can't believe it's nearly christmas, time to definitely do some shopping and I need to book my train tickets to go and see my parents as well. I plan to leave London on the 23rd and return on the 28th in time for new year celebrations. Right now though my dinner is cooking, it's nice and warm and I'm going to curl up with a book in a bit and have an evening to myself.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Playing Roles

I am in the kitchen preparing dinner when the doorbell rings. I replace the pot on the hob, turn down the heat and glide through to the hallway in my high heeled open towed shoes. My hand on the door knob I pause for a second, heart pounding, savouring those last moments of anticipation before I see you, then slowly I unlock and open the door. For a minute we stand face to face,. You look at me, deep in to my eyes, your brown penetrating my blue. Then you raise one hand and with the palm you gently push me backwards until my back meets the cold wall that divides the hallway from the lounge.

Your hand is warm, it is on the exposed skin that my low cut dress doesn’t cover, and when my back is flat to the wall you dig your short nails in to my flesh ever so slightly, but enough so that my skin prickles and I shudder with pleasure. Then your arms are on either side of me, your hands on the wall, your body pressed close to mine, our breasts touching. “Something smells good,” you say, burying your face in my hair, and from that action I know you aren’t just talking about what is cooking in the kitchen. “Good enough to eat?” I murmur. “Maybe,” you say, teasingly. Then you are gripping the hair at the back of my head, pulling it tight, revealing the soft skin of my neck that you now start to bite and tongue vigorously, aggressively, hungrily. “I’ve been thinking about fucking you all day,” you growl between flicks of your tongue and teeth. “Wanting to feel your hot wet cunt, taste it, touch it, fill you until you beg for mercy.” My breath is coming in short sharp gasps now, your words turning me on almost as much as your touch. “You’ve been thinking about it too, haven’t you?” You say, almost accusingly. “Haven’t you, the dirty little slut that you are. Haven’t you!” You’re yanking on my hair now, the other hand sliding down my back to cup my round ass, pressing me forward in to your body. It is then that I feel it, what I know you’ve been saving for me, what you want me to feel and grow excited for. “Yes,” I gasp now in response to your question.
“What exactly have you been thinking about, you dirty bitch?” Instinctively I know what you want me to say, I can tell by the way you are pressing it between my legs, pushing my thighs apart, hands reaching under my dress to lift it slightly. “Your cock,” I whisper, “I’ve been thinking about your cock all day long. I want it, big and hard and deep inside me.” I am reaching down to the zip in your jeans, pulling at it, tearing at the fabric with my nails, but you grab my hands and raise them up expertly pinning them together with one of yours at the back of my head. “Not yet,” you say, “don’t be greedy now.” You rub up against me now, grinding the bulge in your pants against my pussy. I feel the liquid start to flow from me and I think I will start to squirt even from this slight pressure because the anticipation of what we are going to do is driving me crazy. Tenderly now you touch my face with your free hand, stroke my cheek, brush my lips with your fingertips, then let your hand slide down my collar bone to my breasts where you start squeezing my hard nipples through the material of my dress. Then we are kissing, deep, passionate, intense kisses that send my head spinning. Your tongue is in my mouth, it tastes of mint and I suck it eagerly, giving you a hint of what I will do to your aching cock when you let me.

We are walking through to the bedroom now, you have released my hands and they are around you, pulling you with me as we move towards the bed and when I feel its cold metal against the back of my thighs you spin me around so that you are closest to the bed, and then you sit. “Straddle me baby,” you command, grabbing my ass and pulling me on to your lap. I kick off my shoes and part my knees so that they are on either side of you and my dress rides up around my waste. I am wearing thin silk panties, my clit is swollen making a little bud in the material which is already soaked with my juices. When I am in position you pull me down and rub your cock against the spot where you know my clit is, and the only thing that separates the two is the material of my pants and your jeans. Now I am grinding hard, my head back, my cunt beginning to ache uncontrollably, letting me know that the only thing that will satisfy her is to be full of you. You like this extended foreplay, your eyes are burning in to me and as you slide a hand between my legs I can tell you already know what you will find. Roughly now you pull my panties to one side and lubricate your fingers with my overflowing juices. I am thrusting forward now, whimpering, aching to have you inside me, but you continue to tease me by circling and stroking my clit until the motion almost tips me over the edge. Then when you know I am on the verge of coming you thrust two fingers once, hard, in to my open pussy and as quickly as they enter me, you are gone again, raising your hand to lick your fingers and moan your appreciation. “you know what I want you to do, don’t you, slut?” You say thickly in to my ear, biting on my earlobe and trailing your tongue down my neck, giving me shivers. “Yes,” I whisper, and now I am sliding off your lap to kneel in front of you and you are unzipping your jeans, letting them slide to the floor where you kick them off. Slowly now I stroke you through your pants, they are boy shorts today although I know you will be wearing a sheer lace bra under your top because you know I like the combination. You are breathing hard in anticipation as I work my hands under the band of your pants, pulling them down and letting your cock spring free. This one is one of my favourites, a black leather harness with a purple dildo sitting snugly, warm with your body heat. I bend my head and lick the tip of it, and you shudder as though the sensation has travelled down the shaft all the way to your aching clit. I open my mouth and take you in, using my hands to stroke around the base while I work on the head with my flicking tongue. Your hands are in my hair and you are murmuring, “oh yeah that’s it baby, suck it for me, suck my cock like the expert whore you are. My come hungry slut, I want to come in your mouth, oh fuck yeah make me come in your sweet little mouth.” I begin to move faster now, my head bobbing up and down, hands working, lips clamped around the shaft and you are thrusting forward, making me take you deeper until I have to relax my muscles in order that I don’t gag. When you are worked up in to a frenzy you begin pulling at my hair, lifting me up, pulling my mouth away from your cock so that you can again slide your tongue in to my mouth and kiss me hard. “Get on all fours,” you tell me and you get off the bed while I crawl on to it, dress around my hips now, ass exposed which you start to squeeze and slap, impatient for me to get in to position. When I am face down, my head lowered, ass in the air you pull down my panties and place a knee between my legs, pushing them wide apart so that you can kneel behind me on the bed. Now you lower your face to my ass and begin kissing my soft smooth skin, making circles with your tongue that get wider and wider until you reach my ass whole and begin to lap at it gently. “Oh Jesus,” I moan in to the pillow, gripping the sheets hard with both hands, trying not to rock back on to your tongue. The circles change to long strokes, and you are moving from my ass to my soaking wet pussy, lapping from clit to ass and then back again, sometimes pausing to stick the tip of your tongue in to my aching cunt. By now I am moaning loudly and moving my hips back and forth, almost at the point of no return, being driven insane by that expert tongue of yours. “Fuck me,” I beg you now, “oh God please fuck me. Put your cock inside me, I need to feel it, please you’re making me crazy, please fuck me, please!” My words are tumbling over each other, my voice rising, the desire building in my throat to an almost animalistic wale. You raise your head, your long hair brushing against the skin of my ass, sending goose bumps across my flesh. I feel you lean over me to retrieve a condom from the bed side draw and hear the tearing of the wrapper as you place it over the dildo. Then you are shuffling forward on your knees behind me, making sure you get the angle that will hit my G spot rather than become painful and oh how you know that angle. I brace myself now, the dildo you have chosen is not a small one and we only usually use it when I am ridiculously excited, which on this occasion I am. I feel you rub the head up and down the length of my pussy, lubricating it with my juices as you did your fingers earlier. Then you are pushing against me and I am crying out and you are inside me, moving slowly at first until we find each other’s rhythm, then faster and harder until you are slapping against my thighs and you are filling me, again and again and I am bucking back on to you, gripping the head of the bed to push myself harder and harder against you. The sounds that come from my mouth are not my own, they don’t sound like my voice, they are loud and high and I am speaking words, “oh yes baby fuck me baby oh god fuck me harder harder that is so fucking good fuck fuck fuck fuck oh god I’m gonna come come inside me baby come on come in my pussy fucking come inside me yeah that’s it just like that oh God I love your cock I fucking love your cock your big hard cock so fucking good.” The words turn in to one long extended vowel and the vowel becomes a scream and the scream seems to start from deep inside me where your cock is pounding against my spot and your fingers have reached around to rub on my clit and it is ripping through me, up through my entire body the scream and the sensation and the point of no return, the cliff that I will jump from is right there and my tows grip the edge and then I am flying, flying high and the scream is a bird and the bird is me and I am sawing through the air and it is a long time before I come crashing back down to earth, a trembling crying shaking woman once again made incoherent by the way that we make love.

Later, in your arms, I am still shaking. You are soft now, soft and tender and we are kissing slowly, murmuring sweet words to one another, hands stroking skin, trailing through hair, our naked bodies pressed close. It is only when I start to smell something burning that I remember I had been preparing dinner when you arrived. Quickly I slip out of bed and pad through to the kitchen, where I turn off the heat and leave the food to go cold, knowing that we will warm it up much later. Sliding back beneath the sheets I feel the heat from between your legs and reaching down, my fingers meet smooth skin, then wetness and as I start to fuck you you open your legs wide and whisper my name. “My beautiful woman,” I say, and as you submit to me and I begin to work my magic on your sweet pussy, the harness and cock discarded on the floor, I marvel at the beauty of it and the knowledge that for tonight at least you are mine.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

My Other Addiction

My other addiction aside from sex as you probably know by now is books. I've just joined an audiobook site which I will link on here in the places I like section and it's given me access to a massive quantity of books I have been wanting to read for years. So, consequently in my excitement I have started to read several at once but can't settle on one in particular, rather like a kid who is taken to a sweet shop full of their favourite sweets and told it can eat whatever it wants. So I need to disciplin myself and prioritise my reading material. At the top of my list are authors Toni Morrison, Maya Angelou, Alice Walker, Jeanette Winterson and some of Val McDermid's books that I've not read yet. Each Author has written quite extensively, so as you can imagine, even if I choose one author to start with, what book do I choose? God! People who may be reading for the first time or aren't in the know about audio books might be wondering what all the fuss is about. But for a lover of literature such as myself, not being able to walk in to a bookshop and pick up a paper back novel, buy it and read it because of my lack of vission is incredibly frustrating. Although the audio book market is getting much better these days it is still not perfect and it is very rare that the audio version of a book is released at the same time as the print version, and when it is released it is often abridged, and if it is released in its full version it's usually much more expensive than the print format. Through studying literature at university, joining certain underground sites on the internet and through recently joining the variety of books I have been able to read has gradually grown, but when I joined the RNIB's book stream book club last week, it exploded! The downside of this site is that you have to stream the books, so you can't download them, or put them on your Ipod, I guess due to copyright laws as you pay an anual subscription rather than buying books individually. But still it is fantastic. Now though like I said I just don't know where to start.

I wanted to share this with you because it's something I'm very excited about and it doesn't relate to sex, unless that is I can find some lesbian erotica, then I'll be well away. My two passions intertwined. Listening to an erotic audio book while playing with my toys. Mmm. Speaking of which I had a really good orgasm last night, and yes I was by myself. This morning when the cable people came to again try and fix my service I had to run and hide the toy box in the wardrobe because it seems to be overflowing at the moment. Time for a new, bigger box I think. A nice christmas present would be a lovely metal box with a lock and velvet lining in which I could store my prised possessions. Can't really suggest that to family though can you? Heehee.
Ok I'm going to finish up now because yet again I've started writing about sex and I seriously didn't intend for this post to be about that. Other than books and sex, I went to the dentist this morning and apart from a small filling which left the right side of my face numb for a couple of hours my teeth are in great condition. I'm supposed to eat on the other side of my mouth for the rest of today though, which will be fun considering I'm going out to dinner tonight with friends.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Spirit of Christmas

Firstly, I want to thank you for the comments, emails and phone calls I have received. I'm not going to get all soppy and emotional but I am very much aware of how lucky I am to be surrounded by such an amazing network of friends, and family too although hopefully my family aren't reading this. DL called me yesterday and I was silly enough to pick up the phone. She was hysterical and I ended the call very quickly and she hasn't tried to contact me since. I'm hoping in the nicest possible way that she'll go away quietly and deal with her feelings with her family for support and not behave irrationally towards me, something which I am slightly concerned about at the moment and I know others are too. But I'm doing ok, I spent today with Baby G at her house having a much needed catch up session and some relaxation time and I had a good long chat with my parents on the phone tonight and I'm actually quite looking forward to christmas now. I'm going back up north to see my family and I think I'll be spending christmas day with my mum, ex step mum (they are very good friends, don't ask, it's complicated) and my step sister which will be great. She's 12 now and I don't get to see her much because I live down here and obviously she's in school and is too young to come and visit on her own so it would be good to spend some time with her and find out about her latest crush, the bands she's in to who I've never heard of and how school is going. The last time I saw her she said to me,
"Amy and I aren't really friends anymore," Amy being her best friend.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well we hang around in different crowds at school now, and well, I'm sort of gangster and she's not."
"Gangster!" I said, "What do you mean gangster?"
"You know!" She said looking exasperated and proceeded to try and tell me what "gangster" was and I was still none the wiser by the time she'd finished. The time before that when I saw her she described herself as, "Emo." I wonder what she'll be this time round?

So anyway on the christmas note I've told myself to stop being a miserable cow and to actually start getting in to the christmas spirit. I'm going to start my shopping and new year's eve should be really great because some friends down here want to get together, Sean is definitely coming to join us and Kim might also be coming down from Sheffield so the whole lot of us getting together will be fantastic whatever we decide to do on the night.

Last night I went to see Jill Scott in concert with Baby G and Rosey and she was absolutely fantastic. We all got the impression she's having a really hard time at the moment, she mentioned her divorce and she seemed really low in spirits, plus she mentioned repeatedly that she's not getting laid at the moment, I offered to give her a helping hand on that one but I was right at the back so I don't think she heard me. I'm also absolutely loving Alicia Keys' new album. I have to say it took me a while to get in to, but I think it's her best one so far.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, my first in about four years in the morning and then in the evening the usual group of friends are going out for a meal to welcome Baby G's boyfriend, Will, back from the states where he has been for the past four months. I think it's about time I put the kettle on and climb in to my lovely bed to fall asleep listening to an audio book. Not quite sure what yet though, I've been reading Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson and Wire in the Blood by Val McDermid, two of my favourite authors, but I think I want something lighthearted tonight, so I'll go on the hunt for some trashy fiction, Jackie Collins or something like that.
Night night, and sorry for the randomness.
Oh, I should also add that all the stress of the past couple of days is making me really horny. I need to get Spanish Girl back over here to hit that spot she so expertly found on Saturday night. She wanted to meet up tomorrow but I couldn't and when I texted her saying so I didn't get a response. I get the feeling she's a woman who likes getting her own way and she doesn't like not being in control of a situation, but I've had quite enough of that for the time being so she'll either have to like it, or lump it.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Time to say goodbye

This morning I sent two emails. One to DL, the other to her mother. I can't do it anymore, be friends with her that is. I've tried, God knows I've tried over this past year to make the friendship work, but I can't do it anymore. I've been continually threatened with DL taking her own life, she's had illnesses that I'm not sure are true or whether she just says things to get my atention, such as she having a lump in her breast in January that she wouldn't let me see and that mysteriously vanished, and a pain in her liver that she says is a result of taking a handfull of paracetamil a while back. This mornigng after a horrible argument we had last night she texted me saying that she couldn't feel her arms and legs propperly when she woke up and is going to the doctors and that she's scared, but to be honest I don't really believe her.

I don't want to go in to how she has been over the past few months, but unless I was doing everything she wished, spending lots of time with her, basically being emotionally controled because of her continuous threat of suicide, she's not been happy. The moment I distance myself, or appear to be getting on fine without her she turns in to this person, who to be quite honest I don't know anymore and don't really want to know. She's put up half naked photos of me on facebook that I have had to remove due to people pointing them out, she obsesses over who I'm seeing and talks about doing horrible things to the women in my life, she practically ruined my graduation day because she caused a scene in front of my whole family, and yesterday she tried to destroy the plant Spanish Girl gave me by covering it in bleach. Her behaviour is beyond acceptable and has been for some time, and I've tried to manage it as best I could. But I no longer believe that she is scared of losing my friendship as she claims to be, or that she cares for me, because her actions and words are not those of some one who wants me to be happy. I think I've become an obsession to her, she can't have me, she knows that, so she tries to control as much of my emotions as possible to give her something to hang on to. Yesterday, after the plant incident, I was so angry I can't tell you, and if Baby G hadn't been at my house and we hadn't been going to the Maroon 5 concert, I would have thrown her out and told her never to come back. I can honestly say now that I believe she has no regard for anyone else's feelings other than her own, and she needs help beyond anything I can give. So like I said I sent two emails this morning, one to her saying that I was breaking contact and that we wouldn't speak for a long long time, if we could ever be friends at all, and I also sent one to her mother explaining the situation, that she has talked about taking her own life and asking her to keep an eye on her. I know DL hasn't read the email yet as she'll still be at work, but when she does I expect a barrage of calls and texts and I know she'll go through all the stages of begging, crying, abusive talk and anger. I just hope she finds it within herself to move on with her life and leave me alone, instead of the more dangerous scenarios such as taking her own life, or hounding me and my friends and family which we've all agreed is a possibility considering her increasingly concerning behaviour. I know I sound cold writing this, but writing those emails this morning tears were streaming down my face and the truth is that I am terrified she'll do something stupid. I just can't see any other way of handling this, I've tried everything else. It's time to say goodbye to her and let her get on with her own life, because being around me is killing her anyway, that much is evident. I just hope she'll be ok and find happiness somewhere. We've cut contact before for a few weeks at a time, but this time is definite and I won't be contacting her for a long time, if at all. It's time to put this one to bed.