Sunday, April 29, 2007

In The Wars!

This week I seem to really be in the wars, here's a list of my injuries...

Today: while in the bedroom earlier I dropped my hairbrush on the floor, and when bending down to retrieve it managed to jab my eyeball with the corner of a cardboard box. Obviously because I don't see things coming my eyelid doesn't do the close reflex thing, so it scratched my eye and it's now very sore.
Also, again when bending down this time to put the dog's food bowl down, I smacked my head on the edge of my glass dining table, ouch!
On Friday I was cooking pasta, and when carrying the saucepan over to the sink to drain off the water, it slopped over the side and burned my hand.
On Wednesday when cooking losagne, I was tipping it out of the tray on to the plate, and it wouldn't move, so I shook the tray and it dropped on to the plate, and the sauce sprayed up again burning my hand.

Seriously, I'm not usually this clumsy, and i'm getting fed up of getting hurt! Lol. I'm sure I've done other things as well to injure myself this week but can't think what they are. Oh and as for part two of my story, you'll just have to wait...

Friday, April 27, 2007

Part 1, Discovery

Me and TK, that’s how it always was, right from the start. I met her when I was two and she was four, although obviously I have no recollection of our first toddler meeting. She’s always been there in my life, there everyday when I was growing up. We grew up side by side, so different and yet so connected as kids. She lived a couple of streets away, our mothers were friends, we went to the same schools, played together when we got home, spent weekends at each other’s houses. We were inseparable. One of our favourite activities was to make tape recordings of us acting. I would be the wife, and she the husband, I the daughter’s best friend, she the daughter. The husband and wife didn’t really get along too well, probably a reflection of both our home lives, but the daughter and her friend were as we were. So many times we would stand and argue with our mothers in mortal protest, we couldn’t possibly go home yet, we hadn’t finished this particular play, the character had this to do and that to do, and we just couldn’t stop until we’d finished. So our mothers would usually relent and we would sleep at whoever’s house we were at, going to school together in the morning. We were complete opposites. I was loud and bouncy, extroverted and hyperactive. TK was quieter, calmer, the tranquil counterpart to my energetic personality. In many ways we were like chalk and cheese, but for many years we went together like bread and butter.

Then one night, something happened that would change our relationship forever. She was staying over at my house. It was a Saturday, I must have been seven or eight, she nine or ten. We were lying in bed facing each other, the TV on in the background. We must have been talking as we always did, but all of a sudden we stopped. I don’t remember who kissed who first, I just remember the feeling of her face being so close to mine, our noses touching, her breath on my skin, inching forward little by little, absolutely terrified and incredibly excited. The first kiss was a quick one, then she said she had to go to the toilet and got up. But then she came back, and it was like she’d never left. That night we kissed for hours and hours, giggling every now and then and not saying a lot. I remember feeling so nervous, part of me knowing that it wasn’t quite right, yet loving it all the same.

In those early years our relationship was simple, pure and innocent. We did little except cuddle each other and kiss, and it wasn’t until the tingling between my legs came that the trouble started. Then we progressed to lying on top of one another, pressing our lower bodies together hard, willing our tingly bits to touch each other. We would rock back and forth, and we found that it worked better if we moved up and down on each other’s hips, because that way the tingly part was rubbed and it felt much more satisfying. All this we did with our clothes on, at first. We’d giggle about it together, it was our little secret, and then TK started asking me if we could have a cuddle when other people were around. Of course neither of us understood it was anything out of the ordinary, and so when my mother asked me one day, “what do you do when you cuddle,” I started to giggle and whispered in her ear. I don’t remember exactly what I told my mum, but the next Saturday afternoon that TK came to my house, we were rubbing on each other’s hips, when my mother crept in to the bedroom and stood silently observing the scene. It was only when she moved that I realised we weren’t alone, and then boy did she go crazy. She ranted at us for ages, scaring us both so much that we were both crying. She said that what we were doing was wrong and inappropriate, and that if we ever did it again she would stop us from staying at each other’s houses. Of course this prospect was terrifying to us both, and we swore we’d never do it again and begged her not to stop us from playing together. So my mum relented and didn’t stop us from staying overnight, and for a while we lay on the edges of the narrow single bed, not daring to touch. But then TK started to complain, saying that she missed what we used to do. At first I was too scared to do anything and told her we couldn’t do it anymore, but the truth was that I was missing it too, and so with time, we went back to the way things were. This time was different though, because we knew that for some reason what we were doing was wrong, and so swore to never mention it to a single sole. The thing was, we didn’t know why it was wrong, just that adults wouldn’t be happy if they found out we were doing it again.

As time went on we grew bolder with each other, the clothes came off, and we started touching each other, rubbing where it felt good to rub with our fingers. Then one evening my cousin was babysitting me while my mother went out, and I was allowed to stay up unusually late. My cousin was watching something on TV about people called “lesbians”, and it was all about their relationships. I asked her what lesbians were, and she said that it was when two women loved each other and were together. I remember lying on the living room floor, pretending I wasn’t at all interested in the TV. The programme was quite sexually explicit, the women were talking in detail about their love affairs, and I think I asked my cousin what lesbians did. All I remember her saying was “they lick each other and stuff”. In no way did I associate the word lesbian with myself, but I did realise that what the women were doing applied to TK and I, and so the next time we were intimate, I told her about the programme and what my cousin had said, and suggested that I try licking her there to see if she liked it. God I was as nervous as hell, I remember getting her to lie on the edge of the bed with her legs open while I knelt on the floor, pulling her trousers down and inching my face forward. It took an age for me to actually put my tongue there, so long that she started to complain and suggest that we just not do it. Of course I was insistent that I wanted to try it, and finally plucked up the courage to taste her. I’ll never forget that experience. There was something incredibly pleasurable about doing it which I enjoyed, but I remember that she had long hair, and I really didn’t like that, and still don’t to this day. I was eleven when I first went down on TK, and we didn’t stop doing it for a few years after that.

One particular incident I remember, was when we were at her house. I remember feeling so horny, although I couldn’t put a name to what that feeling was back then, just an aching between my legs that I knew only she could satisfy. So we’d been touching each other in her room, by this time I was twelve and she fourteen, and afterwards she said, “but doesn’t this mean we’re lesbians?” I said, “Don’t be silly, we just love each other.” She didn’t seem so sure, but I was adamant that we were not lesbians, because it was a word I associated with people who were grown up, women who I didn’t feel I had a connection with at all. All I knew was that I loved my friend, and I liked what we did together and that was fine.

Then high school came, and my friend’s all started to get boyfriends. They would talk about some girls and say, “she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she’s a lessa,” and I would listen and start to become afraid. I began to panic, and confided in one of my close friends over the phone that I thought I might be a lesbian because I fancied girls and did things with TK, and wasn’t interested in boys at all. She suggested that I talk to our PE teacher at school, because all the girls said she was a lesbian and she’d no what to do. For weeks I pondered the issue, and eventually got my friend to write a note to Miss A, saying that I needed a private chat with her. My face must have been scarlet when I handed over the note, and she told me to meet her the next day after registration. That poor woman! Whether she was gay or not that meeting must have been so uncomfortable for her, as well as for me. I remember sitting on a chair beside her, trembling all over, not knowing what to say now that she was there and listening to me. I just kept stuttering, “I’m, I’m, I’m,” and in the end she said, “you’re what?” “I’m like you!” I blurted out, and then felt completely ridiculous, yet relieved that I’d sort of spoken the words to an adult. I don’t really remember the rest of the conversation, but I do know that she picked up on the fact that I was trying to say I was gay, and then proceeded to tell me she wasn’t gay and that whoever had told me she was had been mistaken. I was mortified and remember feeling completely stupid. She told me that it was probably a phase I was going through, and not to worry about it, and that if I felt the same way in a few years time then to give it some more thought. Looking back I do think she was gay, or she wouldn’t have figured out what I meant, as the words never actually came out of my mouth, but of course she had to cover her back being a teacher and so obviously wouldn’t admit it to me. I went away feeling just as confused as before, but a little relieved because I’d told some one what I was going through. I didn’t tell her about TK though, and we carried on as usual.

Then my parents found out…


Not much exciting has happened in my life this week, but something did happen to my flatmate which I want to talk about...

On Wednesday my mother and I were sitting in the house having just walked the dog in the park, when A unexpectedly came home from work. I asked if she was ok, and she said that she wasn't. It turns out that J, her boyfriend of two years has been cheating on her with his ex partner for the entirety of their relationship. A had apparently suspected something was wrong and when looking at his stuff earlier that day had found photographs on his camera of him and ex girl together. A called ex girl who confirmed that they'd never stopped seeing one another, and was shocked to realise that J and A were still in a relationship together, he having told ex girl he'd split with A six months ago. So basically she's found out that he's a two timing, lying, scheming, devious little bastard who thought he could get away with stringing them both along. The thing is that he and A lived together before she moved in with me, the reason she moved out of his flat was to give them both some breathing space because they'd been arguing. Recently they'd been talking about buying a place together and he'd told her he wanted to settle down and have kids with her. So as you can imagine she's absolutely deverstated. She went to meet ex girl that evening who apparently showed her messages he'd sent to her and gave her dates and times they'd met, which corresponded to when he'd told A he had to work away. J is overseas at the moment looking at buying some land to build a property, so she called him and confronted him, and from what I can gather at every possible oppurtunity he tried to play it down. It was only when she told him she knew everything that he confessed, and he also apparently called ex girl to find out what was going on when A was with her, and she ansered the phone and he crapped himself because she and ex girl were talking. Get this though, he's now apparently hounding her with appologetic messages, claiming to be suicidal and saying that his life isn't worth living if she's not in it. It makes me so fucking angry when people do this kind of thing. God knows I had it for long enough with DL when we split, she kept threatening to kill herself, and the guilt and responsibility it places on you is phenominal. A and I have just had a chat because she's obviously feeling awful and like she's responsible for his actions, and I've told her that of course she's not, and that he obviously wasn't thinking about how much he cared for her while he was screwing some one else. I also posed the question of how do you know he's not telling ex girl the same thing he's telling you? How can she ever believe a single word that comes out of his mouth? I just feel so sorry for her because I can see the torment she's going through, and what she really should be saying to him is go and fuck yourself, you bought this on yourself, i'm not rssponsible for you, we all have choices and you made the wrong ones, now get out of my life. But of course when you're in that situation you don't say those things because you're terrified of what that person might do to themselves, and so he's persuaded her in to meeting him tomorrow on his return to the UK. I just feel so mad for her, and hope she's got the strength to tell him where to go. How can you ever claim to love some one if you're unfaithful to them for the entire relationship? It makes me laugh, he's pathetic! I never liked him from the start, he always seemed slimey to me whenever I met him, and I can just see him weedling his way back in through some emotional blackmail. I just hope she's smart enough not to fall for it. Fucking men! He wants his knob chopping off if you ask me, then he won't have anywhere to stick it at all!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Timberland baby!

Oh my fucking God, I am absolutely loving Timberland's new album, Shock Value. Haven't heard something so good in a long long time, the guy is a ledgend!

Don't have time to post propperly at the moment, I have so many deadlines within the next couple of weeks that I have to work like a mad woman to get everything finished, and as I spent the weekend either incredibly drunk or suffering with hang overs, it's now time to nuckle down. I will say though that it was the best and craziest weekend I've had in ages, went out on Friday night to a club and then had the party here on Saturday night. Don't really remember much of that past ten o'clock, I was so fucking wasted. My breasts did thankfully stay in my bra until I went to bed though, last time we had a party here I dipped my nipple in the chocolate fountain and was mortified when I found out the next day what I'd done. Obviously I was too drunk to remember the incident myself lol. So yeah this time I was fairly good, although I did wake up in bed with Sean in the morning in just my nickers, but we didn't fuck so it's all good. Have to go to bed now, am shattered. Night night all, does anyone else get the impression that my life is turning in to a series of drunken nights and sexual encounters? Hmmm. Oh and I should mention that my friend Kim did a tarrow card reading for me yesterday, and apparently it was very evident in my cards that I'm going to be doing a lot of shagging in the near future, so maybe the abstaining from casual sex thing won't last for very long afterall. Oh well, who am I to argue with the cards...

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Holiday, job, women and work

Wow, what can I say about the past week! It really has felt like another holiday. The weather has been stunningly gorgeous, so DL and I were able to make the most of it when we weren’t in bed *grin*.

She arrived on Friday while I was having lunch with my dad. Even though I’d seen her on Thursday I found that it was good all over again to have her walk in to the restaurant and join us. We didn’t do much the rest of the day because we were both quite tired, so we had an early night.

Saturday we went shopping to the mall and then did a food shop to make sure we had everything in we wanted to eat. Then DL went for drinks with friends while I made currey, which we ate quite late and then went to bed. Sunday we packed up a picknic and headed to the park. It was a scortching day, 30 degrees C which for England and this time of year is H O T! Spoonsie absolutely loved it, racing around and then flopping down in the heat to ogle at our food, while we ate and drank and lay on blankets on the grass with DL reading diva magazine to me, which funnily enough was the sex issue heehee. I wore a bikini top and shorts and it was heavenly to lie back with our limbs touching, listening to her sexy voice and feeling the sun on my face, heaven! In the afternoon she went out again with friends while I worked, and then in the evening we again settled down. We kept going through routines where we’d agree to watch a film or something, then get carried away in the bedroom and find that it was too late to start watching anything.

I have to say we had the best, kinkiest sex we’ve ever had, and we did things together that we’ve never done before. It was crazy and fun, loving and sensual, and I had some of the best orgasms of my life!!! I don’t want to go in to detail and yet I don’t want to not say much about what were perhaps the most intense physical experiences I’ve ever had, so all I will say is camcorder, fisting and double penetration. Fuck! Me! Come on don’t be shocked, I am a sex fiend afterall!

The rest of the time, when we weren’t in bed, because believe me that’s not all we did was spent eating good food, including my home made pineapple upsidedown cake and DL’s lovely gratin potatoes, as well as a gorgeous Italian and Mexican. Taking walks to the park together, DL coming to meet me after my lectures at uni, reading to one another and generally spending good, quality time together. Again as I’ve said before, we’re not rushing in to any decision making, it was what it was, and we both thoroughly enjoyed the time we spent together.

In other news as I mentioned in my previous post I landed the job in London, so I’m super happy about that. It’s only an 8 week contract to start with, but there’s the possibility of a permenant position at the end, and I’m hoping to impress them enough that they’ll take me on full time. So now I’m seriously looking for a place to live, anyone need a house mate? I’m also working like a mad head, it’s basically deadlines all the way until I finish uni on June 8th, so I’m super busy in that department. And today I also met with a woman I’ve been chatting to online for a little while. She lives just down the road and walks her dogs in the park opposite my house, so today she asked if I was home when we were online and came and met me in person. It was really nice, she has two dalmation dogs, one almost two, the other twelve, and the younger one went a bit crazy when she met Una. After a while in the flat she suggested a walk in the park, so we took all three dogs and went for a stroll. She’s called Carla, she’s a similar age to me, is a lesbian and a huge dog fan, so we get on well by all accounts. When she left we hugged and I invited her to a party I’m having on Saturday night. I’ve also chatted to a woman I fancy the pants off who is on my course at uni twice this week, which is unusual. She came and spoke to me the other day while we were waiting for a class, and then today while Sean and I were having lunch she came up to our table and invited us to a club night she’s DJing at next week. I’m not sure if she’s gay, or if she’s even interested, but I hope she is on both accounts. Yum yum!

Think that’s it for now, I’ll write more soon when I’m not so busy.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

ग्रेट न्यूज़!

I got the job!!!! Wooh! Yay! Will post more when I have time.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Love me still

Here is my hand for you to hold
Here's the part of me they have not sold
I've wandered far, i've had my fill
I need you now, do you love me still?

Only you have seen the hidden part of me
Call me foolhardy if you will
But i loved you when, do you love me still?

So many smiles and lies surround me
Empty expectations, faceless fears
Sometimes this life is a bitter pill
I love you now, do you love me still?

You have been mine since time untold
Our love is immortal, don't you know?
Others will come, and they will go
But i loved you young, i love you old

Only you have seen, the other side of me
Call me naive, i think you will
But i loved you then, do you love me still?

Here are the eyes that only see you
Here is the mouth that only calls your name
Here is the soul that can not kill
I love you now, do you love me still?

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

DIY and Dykes who screw

This week, what have I done this week, it’s flown!
The weekend I spent mostly in the house attempting and mostly failing to work. To be fair I did write most of one essay but the quality is shit so it’ll need a lot of reworking. I was getting totally pissed off with being stuck in the house trying to work while everyone else was out celebrating easter and the bank holiday, so I took off to my mum’s house on Monday because it was one of my school friend’s 21st birthday and there was a big night out planned. So that night we went to the gay club back home and had a reasonably good night out, although I always tend to find that the nights that are planned to every last detail don’t usually go as well as those that are done on a whim, but it was nice to see her for her birthday.

KT is one friend I’ve never really spoken about much partly because our communication is sporadic and sometimes I can go months without talking to her. I’ve known her since I was in preschool and we used to play together a lot. Then when I was eleven a group of friends formed that consisted of myself, HM who I mention quite a lot, MED, Roxanne and Kirsty. We always hung out together at school and spent a lot of time together at weekends going to the park or shopping or getting drunk which we tended to do quite a lot. Med was the leader of the group, HM was the quiet and reserved one because her parents never allowed her to go out much or have much of a social life so she spent a lot of time on the internet, Roxanne was the mouthy one from an abusive home and Kirsty I never liked much for no reason in particular other than that she used to annoy the hel out of me. KT was probably the most complex of the bunch, although we all had our issues as teenagers usually do. She’s never really spoken about her childhood much to any of us, but we all believe that she was sexually abused as a child. She was and still is an extraordinarily intelligent woman, not having to ever study for classes and always coming out top of the year, let alone the class. But a lot of the time at school she would be broody and quiet, observing rather than participating in our group conversations. We knew she had issues around eating and ate very little, something which we all tried to help out with at one time or another by trying to coax her in to talking about, and one day we discovered, I can’t remember how, that she self harmed regularly. Most of the time she kept her arms covered, but on the rare occasions we did see them they were covered in deep scratches and healing cuts, and I think that the teachers were even aware of it at one point. We did know that she lived with her mother and two sisters in a small flat, and that her mother had some kind of mental illness and always singled KT out to be treated badly. She used to come to school and when she felt like opening up she would tell us some of the horrible things her mother had said or done. When she was sixteen she left her mother’s flat to go and live with her father, who from all accounts hardly took an interest in the kids either, just worked and went out drinking in the evenings. When we were at school I had a mild crush on KT, and on my fifteenth birthday we ended up drunkenly in bed together, nothing very much happening apart from kissing and a little touching. In the morning she refused to talk about it and it’s been like that ever since.

I left home and moved away from the area when I left school at sixteen, still keeping in touch with KT, HM and Med. Roxanne had distanced herself ffrom our group by then, getting in with a bad crowd that we didn’t mix with, and hating me because she found out I was gay. Kirsty also drifted away when we left school, so it was just the four of us left, and we’re all still very close and in touch. During the two years of our a-levels between sixteen and eighteen, that was when KT moved in with her dad and stopped having contact with her mother. HM was still very restricted because she still lived at home and so not a lot changed for her, but Med fell pregnant when she was seventeen, moved in with her now ex partner and had a baby boy. When it was time to go to university, Hm and I went willingly, Med had dropped out of education to raise her son and KT, who we all thought would excel in whatever career she wanted to, found that she couldn’t cope with the mental strain and left university after about three weeks. She now works in a convenience store and is back at home living with her dad. She still cuts herself, and is unable for whatever reason to form romantic attachments with either men, or women. Every time I see her I want to hug her and tell her that she’s loved, and that whatever happened to her can be dealt with, and that she doesn’t have to keep it all locked inside and distance herself from everyone so much. But I know, or at least I feel that this wouldn’t have any affect. Her mental state is very fragile, and I think the damage has already been done. It’s so desperately sad because a beautiful, bright, exceptionally intelligent woman with so much potential in every aspect of her life is working a low paid job, living within the confines of her father’s home because she isn’t strong enough to go out on her own, and mutilates her own body because she cannot cope with whatever has been done to her and feels it is the only way she can express her pain. HM broke away from her parents and is now at university having a great time, at the moment she’s in China studying, and I have no doubt she’ll be very successful. Med has just started a degree in midwiffery and now has her own house and a new partner. I’m just about to graduate and move to London, and the person we thought would be most successful out of our whole group is right back where we started, unhappy with her life but seemingly unable to do anything about it. I hope she knows we’re all hear for her, despite what she’s been through and what she may have to face if she ever decides to confront her demons.

On to a lighter note after that unintentionally heavy post, I returned to Sheffield on Tuesday and have just been faffing around for the past couple of days. I ordered a new tv with a stand to put it on and it arrived today, and the title of the post eludes to the DIY I did today. My friend Sean came around this afternoon and I roped him in to programming my tv and helping me screw together the stand to put it on. We both found it quite ironic that a femme lesbian and an F to M transsexual were attempting DIY, and there were lots of innuendoes about screwing. I may be femme but I am handy with a screw driver, I’ve put together the shoe rack, dish rack, bookcase and tv stands in my house. After Sean left Kim came over for about three hours and we had a good gossip and ate cake that she kindly bought over, and then I cooked and am just about to go to bed because I have to be up at the obscene hour of five in the morning to catch the train to London for another job assessment which I’m hoping to get. DL has been making noises about coming to see me this weekend, so I might very well be bringing her back with me tomorrow, or she’ll drive up on Friday.

Have a good weekend all, and Cristcg I take it that the comment on my last post saying “lol” was referring to my reading anal sex erotica? I’ve not finished it yet, think I’ll do so on the train tomorrow, give the commuters something to goggle at over my shoulder.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

London Part Two

As I type this post I hear your groans of dismay coming at me across the world wide web, you’ll see why in a minute.

This second post concerns the time I spent with DL while I was in the big smoke. And yes I know I said I’d stop talking about her ages ago and I haven’t, but maybe there’s a valid reason for that. One could look at it in two ways. One: I’ve had three lovers since DL and I separated. Each has been casual and I have wanted nothing from any of them other than the physical pleasure we can offer each other. Sounds clinical, but it’s true. So, I’ve been lacking an emotional connection since DL and I broke up and I’m missing that, which could be why I’m feeling the way I am about her. The second way of looking at the situation is that my feelings for her could possibly be trying to tell me something vital about what should happen between us in the future. Obviously we broke up for extremely valid reasons and I try to keep them in mind, especially of late. And since she left I’ve coped remarkably well I think, but I can’t escape the fact that I have missed her. This is perfectly normal I hear you saying, it’s bound to happen because you spent two years together. I know this, but it’s like I’ve said before, I’m not happier these days than when I’m with her. We can be doing anything, just going for dinner, or shopping, or driving in the car, and I feel so relaxed and content, a feeling I just can’t seem to replicate when she’s not around.

When I was in London we spent quite a lot of time together. On Monday night we went for dinner in an upmarket Italian restaurant near westminister bridge, and afterwards walked along the Thames with the dog. To be quite honest I didn’t want the evening to end, and my will power broke and I found myself asking her to spend the night and wanting it more than anything. It wasn’t even about sex, it was about the closeness of being with her, feeling her body next to mine, cuddling close to her when I woke up in the middle of the night, smelling her skin and feeling the softness of her lips. Back at where I was staying I lay on the bed while she massaged my feet, and laughed hysterically because I just felt an overwhelming sense of release that I haven’t done for months. I laughed until tears ran down my cheeks and my body shook, she alternating between laughing with me and looking mildly concerned at my heightened emotional state. She declined the offer of staying over, and although I was disappointed I admired her will power because I know she wanted too more than anything. But we hugged at the door and she left, and I had a long hot bath and an orgasm and went to sleep.

On Wednesday she came over in the morning with croissants and I was in the shower when she arrived. I opened the door dripping wet in a towel and darted back to the shower, freezing cold to finish washing my hair. Without hesitation she followed me in to the bathroom and the sexual chemistry between us was apparent to us both. I knew she was looking at my body and I told her to go in to the kitchen while I got dressed, and when I was decent I followed her to have breakfast. I can’t really remember how we spent the next hour but I know we ate and sat together on the sofa and chatted about random things, and I don’t quite know how it happened but she picked me up and headed for the bedroom. We cuddled on the bed and muttered something about going out shopping, and then we made love. There it is, I’ve said it. After two months of not seeing each other and not even daring to think about the incredible sex we always had, we made love. It was incredible, and I didn’t regret a single minute of it. The connection I had been lacking over the past few months was right there, I swear I could have orgasmed without her even touching me, the mental stimulation was there and it was amazingly intense. Afterwards we were languid and happy and lay for a while just kissing before getting up and heading out shopping in to Harrow. We ate dinner in a lovely Chinese restaurant, and then headed back to the flat. That night was emotional and sensual and intense and loving, everything we wanted it to be. We kissed and touched and massaged each other with oils, listened to soft music, held each other, the love making was firstly soft and gentle and then wild and passionate, crazy dirty like it used to be. She read my mind, pressed my buttons, took me to heights I’d forgotten existed. I know it sounds corny, but that’s really the way it was. We fell asleep in each others arms, and didn’t let go all night. In the morning we stayed in bed way past the time we should have got up, then packed and drove to the station. We reluctantly said goodbye and I went back to Sheffield hating every mile that took me further away from London, and away from her.

We did a lot of talking during that time, the main conclusions of which are that neither of us are going to rush in to anything. We both acknowledge that we needed to break up because things weren’t going the way we wanted them too, but we are also, both of us, trying to take steps to change things. She is much more relaxed, I noticed when her Tomtom stopped working in the car, she just took it in her stride whereas at one time it would have probably gone through the window. She is also seeking counceling and looking for a job, all steps in the right direction. I’m not expecting big things, but it says a lot that she’s trying to get her life together much more independently than she would have done six months ago, and that, added to the way I feel about her is what is making me think twice about being without her. So we’ve both agreed it’ll be at least another six months before we sit down and have a conversation about whether we’re going to be friends, or give it another go, and neither of us are expecting the other to wait around until then either. If she’s found some one else by then, I’ll have to deal with it, and vice versa. I just can’t describe how perfect the other day was, and I’m not just talking about the bedroom, I mean everything. The way we talked, laughed, just spent time in comfortable silence, it was all wonderful. When talking to friends I’ve had mixed reactions. Some people aren’t at all surprised and think we’ll end up getting back together, whereas others think that I should cut all contact with her for a while and distance myself completely, but I tried that for a few weeks and we both hated it. I know for me it was the most miserable time ever, and I felt like my best friend was lost as well as my partner. Getting back together with her might not even happen, but I have to accept the fact that it is a possibility, because I can’t ignore the feelings I have about her, or how I miss her when we’re apart and how I feel when we’re together, the connection we have and how it’s just not like that with anyone else. She understands the way I think and feel, she knows me inside out, she knows how my mind works and she can read me like a book. Of course it might be something that we can’t repair and we’ll end up just being very close friends, I’m just looking down all the avenues. I don’t know if we could be together in the long term, it’s something we have to work out together over a long period of time. Neither of us want to get hurt again which is why we’re taking it very slowly and giving each other lots of time and space to think things through. This is a unique situation for me, never before have I wanted to get back with an ex once I’ve made the decision to split, I’m certainly not in the habbit of clinging on to relationships the way I am with this one, but likewise nor have I ever loved some one so much before and wanted something to work so badly. I’m going to use my head and follow my heart and see where it leads me, hopefully it’ll be in the right direction as far as this is concerned.

I’ve also decided to stop having casual sex for a while, as it’s really not helping things. I know that for me casual sex is of course about getting physical pleasure, but it’s also about wanting to feel close to some one, and when you’re not in a relationship the easiest way to do that is to do the casual no strings thing. But I’ve realised lately that it’s not helping me. I want something from my sexual partners that they can’t give to me, and it’s not their fault it’s mine, because although I’m craving the closeness I’m also blocking it because I’m fully aware that it’s casual and that they, or I could leave at any time, especially when situations happen as with casual lover and that whole mess. So I’m going to make some time for myself, which will mean my sex toys will get a good working out, but I think it’ll do me good not to be involved with absolutely anyone for a while. So hear’s to the soul searching, sort of celibate me for a while.

You just know though that when you tell yourself you can’t have sex it’s all you think about. I’ve been reading an anthology of anal erotica over the past few days, I get the feeling I'll be doing the kit cat shuffle a lot! :)

Saturday, April 07, 2007

London Part1

As you know last Sunday i packed my things A GaiN and took the train to London. I've decided to write about my trip in two parts, mainly because I don't want to put certain things all in one post, so the first part is going to be about the work I did, and HBS.

The main reason I went down there for a few days was to do some work shadowing with a grant's officer at a large private charity trust in the city who give away millions of pounds in grants to various small charities around the UK each year. I spent a wonderful couple of days learning how the process works, going to see projects they were funding, learning what makes a good application and what doesn't, and going to board meetings etc. I had to give presentations and got to spend time with various different important members of the team, and by the end of my time there the director seemed very impressed and there was some mention of a J O B offer, but we'll have to wait and see about that. But I did get a taste for living in the city, getting the tube to work everyday, working in an important role and having to wear a suit, which I actually quite liked. I have to admit though that I was worn out, having not regulated my body clock from the jet lag yet and having to be up at seven in the morning and getting home the first night at eleven, the reason for which I'll explain in part two. As a result of the job prospects in London, added to my love of the city, everything being easily accessible because of the tube, plus a lot of my friends living there, I've decided to definitely move there in June, whether I have a job waiting for me or not. If I do that's all well and good, if I don't I'll pay the rent from my savings and look for work.

Now the part about HBS, and yes, I promise after this, no more casual sex for a while, it's getting ridiculous!... In case you've forgotten who HBS is, she was a friend of a friend and had a partner until about the same time that I split with DL, which was when she too, split from her long term partner. To get the background you can read about our two dates here and here
The Last time I saw her was on January 17th, I remember the date because I went to London for my civil service assessment day and we met in the afternoon. After that we had always kept in contact online and on the phone, mainly just friends but always with the undertone that we wanted to take it to the physical level. The plan was that she was supposed to come up to Sheffield for a weekend visit, but during those two months she lost her job and I had lots on so we never managed to hook up. So when she discovered I was coming to London this week we planned to make a date, especially as I would be staying somewhere where we could be alone at last. So one day last week she met me when I finished work and we went back to where I was staying together. I was slightly flustered because I wanted to be looking hot and all fresh, instead I was still in my work suit and needed to change and wanted the time to shower and refresh which i didn't get to do. I ended up hurridly changing in to casual clothes and then spending five minutes in the bathroom while she chatted to the friend that I was staying with, after which we ordered pizza and chatted for a while and then ate dinner. I always found that being with HBS was a little strange because she not really being a lesbian was obviously very nervous with the prospect of her first time with a woman, and I too was nervous because I was aware that I needed to handle the situation delicately, always making her feel like she could tell me if she wasn't comfortable with anything. So after dinner we both reclined on the bed and lay talking and laughing for a while, me stroking her hair and she cuddling up close. Then she asked if she could turn off the light and things got a little more hot and heavy, only the problem being that both of us started with nervous laughter, and it took several failed attempts before both of us could control it. I guess it was because the build up has been for the past five months, and we've never had the opportunity to see it through before and so when it came to it we were both quite aprehensive. Anyway we managed to sort out the laughter, and it didn't take long before we were getting in to it, she actually surprised me how assertive she was about what she wanted and when. She wasn't in the mood to be teased, said she had waited too long for that, and so the whole thing happend a lot quicker than what I'm used to. I'm quite a sensual lover and enjoy a lot of foreplay, making the build up very intense and prolonged, especially when it's my first time with some one, but she definitely wasn't in the mood to mess around and so before I knew it she was gasping in my arms, her body shuddering with the after shocks of the orgasm I'd just given her. Of course I was pleased that I'd pleasured her so well, but I would have prefered it to last a little longer than it did.

Afterwards we lay in bed for a little while talking and touching before I reluctantly had to walk her to the tube station so she could make the long journey home before it got too dark. I didn't see her for the rest of the time that I was there, but I've spoken to her since and from the sounds of things she enjoyed it. I'm not sure when or even if we'll get to do it again, but I'm glad I got the chance to give her the pleasure she obviously needed, and to hopefully make her first time with a woman a special and memorable one.

Part two of my London trip to come soon...