This morning I sent two emails. One to DL, the other to her mother. I can't do it anymore, be friends with her that is. I've tried, God knows I've tried over this past year to make the friendship work, but I can't do it anymore. I've been continually threatened with DL taking her own life, she's had illnesses that I'm not sure are true or whether she just says things to get my atention, such as she having a lump in her breast in January that she wouldn't let me see and that mysteriously vanished, and a pain in her liver that she says is a result of taking a handfull of paracetamil a while back. This mornigng after a horrible argument we had last night she texted me saying that she couldn't feel her arms and legs propperly when she woke up and is going to the doctors and that she's scared, but to be honest I don't really believe her.
I don't want to go in to how she has been over the past few months, but unless I was doing everything she wished, spending lots of time with her, basically being emotionally controled because of her continuous threat of suicide, she's not been happy. The moment I distance myself, or appear to be getting on fine without her she turns in to this person, who to be quite honest I don't know anymore and don't really want to know. She's put up half naked photos of me on facebook that I have had to remove due to people pointing them out, she obsesses over who I'm seeing and talks about doing horrible things to the women in my life, she practically ruined my graduation day because she caused a scene in front of my whole family, and yesterday she tried to destroy the plant Spanish Girl gave me by covering it in bleach. Her behaviour is beyond acceptable and has been for some time, and I've tried to manage it as best I could. But I no longer believe that she is scared of losing my friendship as she claims to be, or that she cares for me, because her actions and words are not those of some one who wants me to be happy. I think I've become an obsession to her, she can't have me, she knows that, so she tries to control as much of my emotions as possible to give her something to hang on to. Yesterday, after the plant incident, I was so angry I can't tell you, and if Baby G hadn't been at my house and we hadn't been going to the Maroon 5 concert, I would have thrown her out and told her never to come back. I can honestly say now that I believe she has no regard for anyone else's feelings other than her own, and she needs help beyond anything I can give. So like I said I sent two emails this morning, one to her saying that I was breaking contact and that we wouldn't speak for a long long time, if we could ever be friends at all, and I also sent one to her mother explaining the situation, that she has talked about taking her own life and asking her to keep an eye on her. I know DL hasn't read the email yet as she'll still be at work, but when she does I expect a barrage of calls and texts and I know she'll go through all the stages of begging, crying, abusive talk and anger. I just hope she finds it within herself to move on with her life and leave me alone, instead of the more dangerous scenarios such as taking her own life, or hounding me and my friends and family which we've all agreed is a possibility considering her increasingly concerning behaviour. I know I sound cold writing this, but writing those emails this morning tears were streaming down my face and the truth is that I am terrified she'll do something stupid. I just can't see any other way of handling this, I've tried everything else. It's time to say goodbye to her and let her get on with her own life, because being around me is killing her anyway, that much is evident. I just hope she'll be ok and find happiness somewhere. We've cut contact before for a few weeks at a time, but this time is definite and I won't be contacting her for a long time, if at all. It's time to put this one to bed.
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Monday, December 03, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Why I love London
I was sitting on the tube this afternoon listening to my Ipod as usual, when a realisation hit me like a tidal wave. The answer to why I love London so much. I' first came to London when I was about to turn fifteen. The reason behind the visit was that I had attempted suicide. I don't want to go in to that in this post, but relates to
this post
On leaving hospital my parents, who tried to bury their heads in the sand back then thought it would be a good idea for us to get away for the weekend. So they booked a trip to London, and I remember crying and saying I didn't want to go. Back then it was a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning and pull myself through each day and the thought of going away for an action packed weekend, and trying to act like everything was ok tore me up inside. But when we arrived I felt the pull of the city. For those of you who haven't been, and even those who have and just don't feel it, I think there is a buzz to London, an energy that I haven't felt anywhere else I've been. It's in the city's history, the architecture, the exclusive hotels that cater to the stars, the tourists taking pictures, the joggers running with the Thames, the blasting car horns, the millions of cyclists on the road that everyone curses, the expensive houses that no one can really afford to buy unless they are filthy rich and then what Americans would call the Gettoe or the Projects. It's in the people, from the professional business people in suits working in huge office buildings, to the homeless people and the prostitutes and the pimps and the rent boys. I felt this energy the first time I visited, and although I was deeply depressed at the time, something lifted my spirits and I actually managed to make the most of the time we spent here. I returned many times after that, to visit friends I had made who lived in London, and then to spend time with DL's family when we were together. I had known for a long time that I wanted to live here, I felt as though it were my destiny to do so, but I never really knew why. And today I think I finally figured it out. I love London because I feel I belong here. I fit in here, I don't stand out, either as a gay woman, or as a blind woman. I can travel around this city, the biggest city in the UK by myself because of the underground system, , something I struggle to do anywhere else. I don't have to rely on anyone, if I want to go somewhere, I just go. For most people that is perfectly normal anyway, but it never has been for me. I know I don't talk about my blindness much on here and that's because I firstly don't see it as something that defines who I am, and I wouldn't want other people to think of it as my defining quality either. But being able to just up and go somewhere, travel for an hour, two hours to get to the other side of the city is something I can do here as easily as making a cup of tea and it's something I marvel at every time I do it. As soon as I go anywhere else I either have to spend a fortune on cabs, or rely on some one to drive me places because like I said, the underground system hasn't beenn recreated anywhere else in the UK. And it's not just that. The things that I can do here as a gay woman, pick a group for each night of the week to go to and meet people, go to discussions at gay book shops, go to lesbian sex parties, women only bars, gay festivals, gay cafes, all this creates such a sense of belonging. I mean sure of course there are homophobes here, that goes without saying, it's just the enormity of what I as a lesbian am able to do is phenominal. So I think I've figured out why it feels more like home than anywhere else I've ever lived. Because the two things that have been hardest to deal with in my life, both for myself and other people, my lesbianism and my blindness, well neither of them are a battle in this city. They are accepted, they are encouraged, supported, aided. Sure it gets lonely sometimes, it can feel like the harshest and loneliest city in the world at times because it is so big and there are so many people. But when people say to me, "how can you live in London, it's so intimidating," I smile and say, "it's not intimidating, it's amazing, and it's my home. It's where I belong."
this post
On leaving hospital my parents, who tried to bury their heads in the sand back then thought it would be a good idea for us to get away for the weekend. So they booked a trip to London, and I remember crying and saying I didn't want to go. Back then it was a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning and pull myself through each day and the thought of going away for an action packed weekend, and trying to act like everything was ok tore me up inside. But when we arrived I felt the pull of the city. For those of you who haven't been, and even those who have and just don't feel it, I think there is a buzz to London, an energy that I haven't felt anywhere else I've been. It's in the city's history, the architecture, the exclusive hotels that cater to the stars, the tourists taking pictures, the joggers running with the Thames, the blasting car horns, the millions of cyclists on the road that everyone curses, the expensive houses that no one can really afford to buy unless they are filthy rich and then what Americans would call the Gettoe or the Projects. It's in the people, from the professional business people in suits working in huge office buildings, to the homeless people and the prostitutes and the pimps and the rent boys. I felt this energy the first time I visited, and although I was deeply depressed at the time, something lifted my spirits and I actually managed to make the most of the time we spent here. I returned many times after that, to visit friends I had made who lived in London, and then to spend time with DL's family when we were together. I had known for a long time that I wanted to live here, I felt as though it were my destiny to do so, but I never really knew why. And today I think I finally figured it out. I love London because I feel I belong here. I fit in here, I don't stand out, either as a gay woman, or as a blind woman. I can travel around this city, the biggest city in the UK by myself because of the underground system, , something I struggle to do anywhere else. I don't have to rely on anyone, if I want to go somewhere, I just go. For most people that is perfectly normal anyway, but it never has been for me. I know I don't talk about my blindness much on here and that's because I firstly don't see it as something that defines who I am, and I wouldn't want other people to think of it as my defining quality either. But being able to just up and go somewhere, travel for an hour, two hours to get to the other side of the city is something I can do here as easily as making a cup of tea and it's something I marvel at every time I do it. As soon as I go anywhere else I either have to spend a fortune on cabs, or rely on some one to drive me places because like I said, the underground system hasn't beenn recreated anywhere else in the UK. And it's not just that. The things that I can do here as a gay woman, pick a group for each night of the week to go to and meet people, go to discussions at gay book shops, go to lesbian sex parties, women only bars, gay festivals, gay cafes, all this creates such a sense of belonging. I mean sure of course there are homophobes here, that goes without saying, it's just the enormity of what I as a lesbian am able to do is phenominal. So I think I've figured out why it feels more like home than anywhere else I've ever lived. Because the two things that have been hardest to deal with in my life, both for myself and other people, my lesbianism and my blindness, well neither of them are a battle in this city. They are accepted, they are encouraged, supported, aided. Sure it gets lonely sometimes, it can feel like the harshest and loneliest city in the world at times because it is so big and there are so many people. But when people say to me, "how can you live in London, it's so intimidating," I smile and say, "it's not intimidating, it's amazing, and it's my home. It's where I belong."
Friday, April 27, 2007
Unfaithful
Not much exciting has happened in my life this week, but something did happen to my flatmate which I want to talk about...
On Wednesday my mother and I were sitting in the house having just walked the dog in the park, when A unexpectedly came home from work. I asked if she was ok, and she said that she wasn't. It turns out that J, her boyfriend of two years has been cheating on her with his ex partner for the entirety of their relationship. A had apparently suspected something was wrong and when looking at his stuff earlier that day had found photographs on his camera of him and ex girl together. A called ex girl who confirmed that they'd never stopped seeing one another, and was shocked to realise that J and A were still in a relationship together, he having told ex girl he'd split with A six months ago. So basically she's found out that he's a two timing, lying, scheming, devious little bastard who thought he could get away with stringing them both along. The thing is that he and A lived together before she moved in with me, the reason she moved out of his flat was to give them both some breathing space because they'd been arguing. Recently they'd been talking about buying a place together and he'd told her he wanted to settle down and have kids with her. So as you can imagine she's absolutely deverstated. She went to meet ex girl that evening who apparently showed her messages he'd sent to her and gave her dates and times they'd met, which corresponded to when he'd told A he had to work away. J is overseas at the moment looking at buying some land to build a property, so she called him and confronted him, and from what I can gather at every possible oppurtunity he tried to play it down. It was only when she told him she knew everything that he confessed, and he also apparently called ex girl to find out what was going on when A was with her, and she ansered the phone and he crapped himself because she and ex girl were talking. Get this though, he's now apparently hounding her with appologetic messages, claiming to be suicidal and saying that his life isn't worth living if she's not in it. It makes me so fucking angry when people do this kind of thing. God knows I had it for long enough with DL when we split, she kept threatening to kill herself, and the guilt and responsibility it places on you is phenominal. A and I have just had a chat because she's obviously feeling awful and like she's responsible for his actions, and I've told her that of course she's not, and that he obviously wasn't thinking about how much he cared for her while he was screwing some one else. I also posed the question of how do you know he's not telling ex girl the same thing he's telling you? How can she ever believe a single word that comes out of his mouth? I just feel so sorry for her because I can see the torment she's going through, and what she really should be saying to him is go and fuck yourself, you bought this on yourself, i'm not rssponsible for you, we all have choices and you made the wrong ones, now get out of my life. But of course when you're in that situation you don't say those things because you're terrified of what that person might do to themselves, and so he's persuaded her in to meeting him tomorrow on his return to the UK. I just feel so mad for her, and hope she's got the strength to tell him where to go. How can you ever claim to love some one if you're unfaithful to them for the entire relationship? It makes me laugh, he's pathetic! I never liked him from the start, he always seemed slimey to me whenever I met him, and I can just see him weedling his way back in through some emotional blackmail. I just hope she's smart enough not to fall for it. Fucking men! He wants his knob chopping off if you ask me, then he won't have anywhere to stick it at all!
On Wednesday my mother and I were sitting in the house having just walked the dog in the park, when A unexpectedly came home from work. I asked if she was ok, and she said that she wasn't. It turns out that J, her boyfriend of two years has been cheating on her with his ex partner for the entirety of their relationship. A had apparently suspected something was wrong and when looking at his stuff earlier that day had found photographs on his camera of him and ex girl together. A called ex girl who confirmed that they'd never stopped seeing one another, and was shocked to realise that J and A were still in a relationship together, he having told ex girl he'd split with A six months ago. So basically she's found out that he's a two timing, lying, scheming, devious little bastard who thought he could get away with stringing them both along. The thing is that he and A lived together before she moved in with me, the reason she moved out of his flat was to give them both some breathing space because they'd been arguing. Recently they'd been talking about buying a place together and he'd told her he wanted to settle down and have kids with her. So as you can imagine she's absolutely deverstated. She went to meet ex girl that evening who apparently showed her messages he'd sent to her and gave her dates and times they'd met, which corresponded to when he'd told A he had to work away. J is overseas at the moment looking at buying some land to build a property, so she called him and confronted him, and from what I can gather at every possible oppurtunity he tried to play it down. It was only when she told him she knew everything that he confessed, and he also apparently called ex girl to find out what was going on when A was with her, and she ansered the phone and he crapped himself because she and ex girl were talking. Get this though, he's now apparently hounding her with appologetic messages, claiming to be suicidal and saying that his life isn't worth living if she's not in it. It makes me so fucking angry when people do this kind of thing. God knows I had it for long enough with DL when we split, she kept threatening to kill herself, and the guilt and responsibility it places on you is phenominal. A and I have just had a chat because she's obviously feeling awful and like she's responsible for his actions, and I've told her that of course she's not, and that he obviously wasn't thinking about how much he cared for her while he was screwing some one else. I also posed the question of how do you know he's not telling ex girl the same thing he's telling you? How can she ever believe a single word that comes out of his mouth? I just feel so sorry for her because I can see the torment she's going through, and what she really should be saying to him is go and fuck yourself, you bought this on yourself, i'm not rssponsible for you, we all have choices and you made the wrong ones, now get out of my life. But of course when you're in that situation you don't say those things because you're terrified of what that person might do to themselves, and so he's persuaded her in to meeting him tomorrow on his return to the UK. I just feel so mad for her, and hope she's got the strength to tell him where to go. How can you ever claim to love some one if you're unfaithful to them for the entire relationship? It makes me laugh, he's pathetic! I never liked him from the start, he always seemed slimey to me whenever I met him, and I can just see him weedling his way back in through some emotional blackmail. I just hope she's smart enough not to fall for it. Fucking men! He wants his knob chopping off if you ask me, then he won't have anywhere to stick it at all!
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