Xmas Cheer

I really wanted to post on xmas day, as I thought I would be left feeling bored and melancholy. Quite the opposite happened in fact, I didn't have time to
stop and think at all which was exactly what I needed, and the day went by in a flash...

Woke up around ten and went downstairs to find no sign of my mother. I thought about shouting, "this isn't right, you should be sitting by the fire with
a sack full of presents that Santa's bought for me, I shouldn't be standing here in an empty livingroom with no one in sight and the presents still under
the tree, not stacked in a pile waiting to be opened!" But then I remembered I'm not five years old anymore, and so did the grown up thing of waiting until
she came back and not mentioning anything. She came hurrying through the door, calling over her shoulder to the next door neighbour who she'd borrowed
two dining chairs from, to go with our borrowed dining table so that we could actually eat xmas dinner in a civilised fashion, not on the sofa with trays
on our laps.
We gave Una her stocking first, and she caused great amusement by wripping it open with her teeth and claws, and then snuffling all the way to the bottom to get out the toy. So that kept her good while we opened our gifts, which we took turns at doing. I did really well this year especially as I hadn't asked
for much because there wasn't anything in particular I wanted. So I got quite a bit of money which I'm putting towards my China trip, and lots of accessories
and cosmetics, and far too much chocolate, as well as a beautiful ring from DL, and an aroma stone from Baby G which I've wanted for ages. My dad also
did remarkably well, but that was because his girlfriend had bought all my presents, so I didn't get anything I didn't like which was great.
After the opening of gifts, my step sister and her mother came round for about half an hour, and forgetting it was xmas day, I gave my sister a telling
off for getting three detentions in her first term in high school. She sort of gave me a look that said, "you can't tell me off today, it's christmas,"
and so feeling awful I tickled her and changed the subject quickly. After they'd gone we prepared the dinner, which, given my mother's complete lack of
skill in the kitchen, came out remarkably well. I ate far too much, including six, yes six, yorkshire puddings, ok stop chanting "you fat bastard" please,
I'm going on a diet tomorrow, I promise!

The afternoon was spent with family friends, and then in the evening I went to my dad’s girlfriend’s for a buffet, I’ve actually met her three times now I can’t believe it, considering it’s taken almost a year of them going out before I got introduced. That might have something to do with the fact that she’s closer to my age than his, she being 26 and my dad being 43. Haha my dad is such a player! He doesn’t look his age though, never has done.

Boxing day was spent half at Kim’s drinking whine and eating mince pies, and the other half at my cousin’s eleventh birthday party, where once again I ate far too much food. I’ve had the constant feeling of being uncomfortably full for about a week now, and it really has to stop. On the 28th I packed all my shit, well most of it, mum’s bringing the rest to Sheffield when I get back, and with a bulging suitcase and belly haha, laptop bag stuffed full, and an equally fat dog from all the turkey in toe, I borded the train for good old London village which is where I am at present. I met up with DL when I got there, and we had dinner which was lovely and not at all stressful, she seems to have calmed down considerably which is a relief. I’m staying at Baby G’s flat, and I’ve had a lovely couple of days. There is stuff I do want to talk about that has happened, but I’m going to save it for the new year, but let’s just say I have the feeling that 2007 will be a good year…

In my neighbourhood

Slept in late today after not getting to sleep until around one this morning. Slept like a log though and woke up feeling refreshed, with the dog clicking up and down on the wood floor needing a wee and my mother putting her full weight against the bedroom door - it took her about thirty seconds to figure out it was actually locked! My dad came round with Albert for a while, and tried to ask me lots about what was going on with DL and I. I wasn't very responsive at all, so he gave up in the end. After that I walked down to the local shops with Una and my mother, and it really was a trip down memory lane.

I was raised, and my mother still lives, in the kind of neighbourhood where everyone knows everyone. It's not even a small village, just people are very friendly and if you're a member of a well known family you're always recognised. Well all the older people remember my grand parents, and all the rest know my mum and her eight brothers and sisters who all went to the local school, and their children and children's children. Whenever I come home I inevitably get from my mum, "oo I saw so and so the other day, he/she's dying to see you, we'll have to go and say hello for two minutes," which usually ends up being more like an hour making polite conversation with some one I hardly know but who seems to know all about me. So today was exactly the same on our trip down to the shops, we just had to go in to the farmacy and say hi to the woman who's always worked behind the counter and watched me grow up, we just had to stop and chat to people on the street, we bumped in to an aunty and cousin who I haven't seen in about three years... Now my family are all fairly close, but my uncle G has never bothered with the rest of the brothers and sisters for some reason so we hardly ever see him or his family, but they were the ones who we saw today. Unsurprisingly they can't make the family meal that's happening on Saturday, and he won't visit anyone over xmas, miserable git. We were also stopped by Stan, on old man who has lived on the main road for years, and who again has watched me grow up. Part of the conversation was:
Stan: "So have you got a boyfriend yet? I thought you'd be married by now!"
Me: "Are you kidding? I've got more sense than that, come on."
A topic very well handled I think, although I was tempted to say, "no actually I'm a lesbian." Don't think it would have gone down very well though somehow. It was such a lovely walk though, I usually get really pissed off at being stopped, but today I really didn't mind. It's kind of nice being here after so long, it's been over four months since I was here last, and some of the people I saw today I hadn't seen for years.

I'm now going to go and see my next door neighbour's, C and D, who are my substitute grand parents. You can garantee that within five minutes of being there I'll get:
C: "You haven't lost any weight have you? Look at that belly!"
D: "Have you got yourself a young man yet? Are your friends looking after you?"
You've gotta love em though, lol.

Driving home for christmas

Well, what can I say, things couldn't run smoothly forever...

I don't want to go in to detail, but things got messy between DL and I over the weekend, we crossed lines verbally, emotionally and physically that should never be crossed and I'm not proud of the way either of us behaved. It's changed things between us and I think it'll be a while before we can resolve any kind of friendship. We've hurt each other too much, yesterday she took the day off work because she hadn't slept at all the night before. She cried uncontrolably last night, for hours, saying she felt like she was going crazy. Not knowing what to do I called her mum and said that despite what DL might want, she needed to be at home with her family because I thought that being around me was hurting her more than helping her. So this morning she threw everything in to bags and left in a state of anger and tears. I heard the tyres of the car screetch off down the road as she flawed the peddle. I just hope she'll be ok...

My mum's coming to pick me up this afternoon and so I'll be staying there longer than planned. More than likely after a couple of days I'll be going crazy being back at my parents, but right now I can't think of anything I'd like more than to curl up on my mum's couch before the fire, drinking tea and eating home made cooking.
I just hope the pain eases for both of us, and that we can make the best of christmas. I'm just not thinking about anything, that's the way I'm coping at the moment because I know if I let myself cry, that'll be it, I'll be useless, and I won't allow myself to get that way.
So, I'm going home for xmas, I'll keep you posted...

Oh Tanenbaum oh Tanenbaum

Yes! We did it! We took our first step towards getting in to the xmas spirit, as much as we can at least.
This evening, painsteakingly, agonisingly, we put up the tree. I say painsteakingly because it took about two hours to do in total, because the lights were in a complete mess from last year and they took about an hour and a half to untangle and put on the tree. It was a bittersweet moment for both of us, partly because we remember how wonderful and magical last year's xmas was for both of us because we were together, and because we know that this year instead of spending it together as planned we will go our separate ways. At different periods through the tree being put up, DL cried and I held her, we flirted and got in a tangle with the lights together, and laughed and got excited about decorations we'd forgotten. It was, as I said, a bittersweet moment.

But now we're on the way to joining in the festivities, just have the xmas shopping to do and cards to write. we're also having our own xmas day at some point next week. I don't think the dog knows quite what to make of it all, she just stared at it and you could tell she was thinking, "why is that monstrosity where my bed used to be?" and, "hmm, I wonder what i can steal from the lower branches." I expect to hear crunching noises and have to extract things from out of her mouth over the weeks to come. That reminds me, she stole the sandwich I made yesterday while I was distracted by being on the phone and answering the door at the same time. Little sod.

The photo, by the way, is one taken of the tree last year as we haven't had time to take any yet. It looks more or less the same though.

Back at the flat

Woo! Where is the week going?

On Monday I spent the majority of the day at uni in class, and I read some more of my fiction writing out which went down well. Then afterwards I went to S and M's and had dinner with S, and in the process I managed to get signed up for something I don't really want. A milk man knocked on the door asking if we would like milk delivered rather than going to the supermarket for it. Immediately thinking it was a great idea and that I would be supporting local farming rather than corperate supermarket chains I said yes and signed up. On reflection though after he'd gone, I noted that it's 50 pence a pint, and that they deliver at 6 AM. This is not good, especially considering we're in an apartment block and so he'll have to buz and wake us up. So I might have to cancel that one I think. After dinner DL came round and helped me move all my stuff back in to the flat, as S and M are going away for xmas and needed me to vacate their house. So I'm back.

It's going relatively ok so far, all things considered, and I have to say it's great to have my house back and not have to worry about anyone else. We have our moments, but they're not nearly as bad as before, and we usually manage to sort things out by talking them through. I've also had an email from some one wanting to view the flat, so fingers crossed. It is a guy though, so will have to see...

Still haven't gotten much work done, I really need to get my ass in gear if I don't want to be essay writing on xmas day. I've only got another week and a half before I'm off to my parents house. Still haven't done any xmas shopping either, although I did find a lovely pair of brown suede boots when out shopping last night, so I'm really pleased about that. Just have to find some black ones now and I'll be sorted. I think we're going to put the xmas tree up, as we haven't been at all festive, and although neither of us are in the mood, it'd be a bit of a traversty not to put a tree up, especially as we have a lovely big one with beautiful decorations that we bought last year. So hopefully that'll get done tomorrow evening. On Friday I'm meeting up with Sean for lunch, and on Saturday it's the xmas climax party at the uni, so I think the plan is to go to that too. Right now I'm off to have dinner before choir practice.

Me and my mooncup

On Thursday I met up with Kim for lunch, and we went to the university shop afterwards so she could buy some stuff for her period, where my world was revolutionised when she introduced me to the mooncup. For those of you who have never heard of one, or seen one, I strongly urge you to go and investigate further. Basically, it's this silacon cup that fits inside you when you have your period, and it catches everything. You just pull it out and empty it, wash it and in it goes again. Obviously at least after every period you should sterilise it to keep it clean, but it's more environmentally friendly, comfortable and generally much betterfor your body as it doesn't take away any of your natural vaginal moisture like tampons do. I spent most of yesterday reading up on them, and today when I was in Manchester with DL, I bought one. I'm wearing it now, and I have to say I can't even tell it's there. It forms a ceal with the walls of your vagina so no leakage either. It's great! I can't believe it's taken me until now to discover them. Anyway, if you want to know more, you can check them out at
http://www.mooncup.co.uk
I'll keep you posted on how I get on with mine, but so far, so good.

Had a great day today. Apart from being freezing cold and in agony with period pain, had a fab time walking around Manchester. On arriving at the train station I was immediately pissed off by the woman on the ticket desk. Honestly, I have to ask the question, why work on a desk where you're dealing with people all day long, if you're the most miserable, unhelpful person in the world? She was positively horrible, and when I asked her why I couldn't get a cheaper fair when I was booking a month in advance to go down to London in a very nice manner, her reply was, "why don't you try asking Mister Branson?" I walked away from the counter fuming, but quickly decided to move on, as it doesn't help that i've got really bad PMT. Manchester was extremely busy, but I love the atmosphere with all the street musicians and the crowds, it was lovely. We mooched around all the shops, and then DL took me to Frankie and Bennie's which I love, for dinner before we headed home. I'm now exhausted and still in pain, so I think I'm going to head to bed pretty soonish. But yay for a wonderful day, and of course, the mooncup!

Should I

Should I?
Actually start some work today
or
Spend time that I really shouldn't, chilling, reading and blog hopping.

Should I?
Stick with the origional blogger
or
Change to the blogger in beta

Should I?
Stay in all day tomorrow and attempt to do some work, when really I'll probably end up procrastinating as usual
or
Spend the day shopping in Manchester.

Hmmm.

A play on words

You probably had to be there but…

I just have to write this, because it had me in fits of laughter for most of the evening. Just been out for the work xmas meal. I took Una along as I didn’t really wanna leave her in the house by herself, so myself and the dog were in the front of A (a woman from work)’s car, and Frankie, the Ant Myster and Jack were all in the back. I took the dog’s harness off so she had more room and passed it to the back for some one to take care of. On getting out of the car at our destination, Jack said to me as she was getting out,
“Oo, wait a minute, I forgot the strap-on, here it is.” And handed me the dog’s harness. Well I hit the floor laughing, and for the rest of the evening whenever anyone referred to the harness it was deemed the strap-on. I’ll never, ever be able to look at a strap-on in its true form in the same way ever again without laughing. Jack has ruined my sex life!
Hahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhaha

Busy busy busy!

I'm still here, just incredibly busy...

Had a great weekend all in all. Went to stay at the flat and my mum and her boyf, nicknamed The Dweeb came to stay. On Saturday we briefly went in to town and then had some food, and then in the evening went to see Pink, who was absolutely amazing. I think her concert was better than Christina's by a fraction, just because she made it more personal and really connected with the crowd and didn't take herself too seriously. Anyway had a wicked time and screamed myself hoarse.

On Sunday we took Una for a long walk in the park, and she spent ages swimming in the stream as usual and loved it. I don't know who had the most fun, her or my mother who was chasing her around when she wasn't canoodling with the Dweeb, god it's sickening, he's always all over her. After that we went for a calvery and then they departed. Went back to S and M's and spent most of the evening doing more chatting than working. I was surprised how well the weekend went actually. There were a few difficult moments when DL wasn't feeling so good, and we both felt wrotten when mum and the Dweeb started going on about xmas, especially him as he loves it apparently and wouldn't shut up about it. But apart from that it went reasonably well and I enjoyed spending time with them all. Oh apart from on Saturday my mother slammed the car door on my finger and it is now black.

This week I've just been doing stuff all the time. Working, chatting, working, chatting, eating, sleeping and the same all over again. That's basically been the pattern and I don't seem to have time to stop for five minutes. Consequently I'm sleeping better though touch wood because I'm more active during the daytime. Tonight I'm going out for a christmas meal with people from work which will be lovely, and then tomorrow my dad's coming to take me out for lunch. Haven't seen him for ages so I'm really looking forward to it. Generally I'm feeling a lot better this week, haven't had as many bad moments as before. Thumbs up!
Oh, and congratulations to NML who is going to be a mum to be! You can find her at
http://www.whenawomansfedup.co.uk

What about me?

For once in my life I’m being selfish. Actually I’m not being selfish, because if I were I would shout and scream and cry and give everyone hell because I’m breaking up inside. But I don’t.
Every night I toss and turn, sleep evading me, violent painful dreams occupying my mind when I do slumber.
But every morning I drag myself out of bed, I put on a smile along with my clothes, and I get on with every day.
But just because I have a hard outer shell.
Just because I smile and sound cheerful.
Just because I take time out to talk about something other than myself.
Just because I don’t shout or scream.
Just because I’m not breaking down crying at every given opportunity.
Doesn’t mean I’m not in pain.
I hurt too.
So what about me…?

Getting nowhere fast!

I’m becoming more than slightly concerned because I’ve posted numerous adds on numerous websites, bulletin boards and forums, and I still cannot find a flatmate to move in in January. People either email me asking if I can lower the rent, or if they can bring a pet, and the answer to both questions is a firm, ‘no’, because it’s the land lord’s decision and not mine. I did have one prospective viewer, but I just got an email from her saying that her circumstances have changed and so she will not be coming to view the flat. I really don’t know what to do. The basic reality is, that if I can’t find a flatmate the rent will be twice the amount I’m paying now, and I simply cannot afford to pay it. I’m in the middle of my contract so don’t think I can back out until the end of June, and so I really don’t know what to do. I’ve seriously put adverts everywhere that I can think of, and the truth is that most people obviously have houses already and just aren’t looking. I don’t know what the solution is, I just have to keep hoping that I’ll get an email from some one who is really interested in moving in. I’m starting to get really stressed out about it though, and to be honest I really don’t think DL staying and us living together is a real option, it’ll ruin any hope of us ever having a friendship. I’m beginning to wish we’d never agreed to sign up for another year in the first place, it’s proving to be more hastle than it’s worth. The land lord is also a useless arse, he says it’s my responsibility to find some one to pay the other half of the rent, which isn’t really very helpful. The only other option I have is that a friend of S and M’s also happens to be looking for a place to live. The downside is that he’s male and I really didn’t want to live with a guy, but I might be forced to consider it if that’s the only option I have. Hmmmm, what to do…

Dinner, drunkenness and disappointment.

Gosh I have quite a lot to write about and didn’t really want to put it all in to one post, but I haven’t had time to write over the weekend…

On Thursday night I went to the flat to have dinner with DL. I don’t really know what to say, other than it didn’t go very well. Within minutes we were fighting, she said I was obviously moving on nicely because I was cold and hard, I said she was wallowing a little in her own self pity, and I nearly ended up leaving before we’d eaten. But she called me back and apologised and we ate dinner, but the atmosphere was difficult, because apart from the relationship it’s hard to talk about other things in a normal way. I’m sure things will get better over time, but we both agreed it was far too soon to try and be ok around each other, when the hurt is still so prevalent. So she drove me home at around eleven thirty and walked away without saying much, and I went to bed feeling like utter shit and like I’d taken three steps forward and two steps back mentally.

Friday was better, woke up feeling more positive again and determined to not let it affect all the mental resolve I’ve built up over this past week. I was supposed to spend the whole of Friday essay writing, instead I ended up procrastinating and didn’t get much done at all. Made a lovely pasta meal with S for dinner, we spent ages preparing vegetables and meat together and chatting constantly which was really nice, then I spent most of the evening either chatting on the phone or online, so didn’t get much done then either.

This weekend DL’s cousin, A was around for the weekend and he’d particularly insisted that the three of us go shopping together. I wasn’t sure after Thursday night whether to go or not, but I asked DL not to mention the relationship while we were out and to try and be as positive and cheerful as she could, and she agreed so I went along with them. It was a nice day actually, I bought some new make-up, a dressie top, some new underwear and a pair of jeans, so didn’t do badly at all. In the evening a group of us from my department went out, and I got absolutely plastered. It was rediculous actually I should never have had so much to drink and I should have eaten more during the daytime to soak it up, but the people I was out with drink heavily anyway, so I guess I just lost count in the end. We drank at F’s house before going on to the club and I was more than a little tipsy before we even left the house. On the way to the club we stopped at an ATM to get cash. There was a huge queue of people and it was taking ages, but everyone was laughing and joking and singing xmas carols to pass the time, until it got to mine and F’s turn. All the people in front had gone, and a couple of girls walked up behind us and started really throwing abuse at us for taking so long. I mildly turned around and asked them to be patient, it was the machine that was being slow not us, and one of them said something like, ‘F**k off you stupid B**ch, if you don’’t get a move on you’ll get my high heel around your f**king head.” I just got on with getting cash, but was riled at the way she’d unnecessarily spoken to me, so as we were walking away I muttered something about her shoving her high heel up her arse. Anyway she heard me, took her shoe off, ran after me and absolutely smacked me around the back of the head with it. Not wanting to start a fight I told F to keep walking and that I was ok, but it really shocked and appalled me that some one would do something like that. She could have easily knocked me out or cut me or worse! Luckily it hadn’t broken the skin, and I just woke up yesterday with a pounding, very sore head. Don’t really remember much about the rest of the night, just that we carried on drinking and dancing, and then later got a cab. F’s friend stayed in it with me after the rest of them got out, but the cab driver dropped us on the road next to S’s house, a road I’ve never even heard of, and because I was absolutely pissed and could hardly walk and I was frightened and thought we were lost, I ended up calling DL to come with the car to find me. She did, and we went back to S’s to get Una, as apparently I insisted that I wanted to be taken back to the flat, and S and DL got in to an argument because S was saying she didn’t think DL should take me there when I was in such a state, and that it was my decision. I don’t remember any of this at all, apparently I was crying though. I don’t think I’ve ever been so drunk in my entire life. I ended up puking in the toilet, being driven to the flat, helped in by DL and cousin, and then apparently I just passed out on the bed. I really feel awful about calling DL, it can’t have been an easy thing for her to do, and I appreciate that she looked after me more than anything. It was stupid to get that wasted, and believe me I more than paid for it yesterday, when I did actually have to write my essay.

Got up this morning to find an email saying the uni magazine wouldn’t accept my short story submission this time, that it needed editing first. They did write useful points as to how I could rework it a little, but I’m still disappointed. I guess it reflects how close I was to the character I was writing about, maybe I’ll come back to it in a couple of months when things have calmed down and see what I can do with it then. Tonight I’m going to a lecture about the state of poverty in Africa, and then I’ll have to come back and do more work.

I will be honest and say that I have considered starting my blog somewhere else, because I know DL reads it, and not that I’ve got anything to hide, but I am being careful of what I write because I don’t want to add to her pain. But I know she’ll do her best to find it anyway, so I’ve decided to stick with this one and write as honestly, but as sensitively as I can. For those of you who haven’t started a blog, the main point is to not tell everyone you know you have one, because then they read it, and sometimes that’s not such a good thing.

Moving out, moving in.

So on Sunday I packed up most of my things and throughout the course of the day, moved to S and M’s. I’m calling them that because firstly it’s their initials, and secondly the S and M pun is just too good a chance to miss. So anyway, I’m in the attic room which is lovely, apart from all the bloody stairs I have to climb to get up there. I’d forgotten that living in an apartment makes you resent climbing two floors, haha how lazy am I? But like I said, the room is really nice, it’s quite big, with a sloping roof and creeky floorboards, and it’s very quiet and peaceful up here. As soon as I got settle here I felt all the tention ooze away, and I feel better now than I have in weeks! I don’t have much to worry about apart from the usual uni work, and it’s so nice just not having to think. S and M have been really accommodating, Una loves it here because she gets to play with their dog, and she seems a lot less stressed too. I was really worried about her on Sunday, she messed inside twice, and she’s never, ever done that before. The first time I told her off, the second time I didn’t give her any attention for doing it and she hasn’t done so since.I think to be honest she was picking up on how I was feeling and was showing me that she too had had enough. She’s returning back to her bouncy self though, and is currently snoring away in her bed.

I have most of my stuff here, and surprisingly I’m not missing the flat like I thought I would. I think because of going to Africa, I’ve gotten used to settling in anywhere and making the best of a situation, so I feel quite ok about living here temporarily. I’m still searching for a new flat mate though, a woman emailed me who will hopefully come and view the flat next week, so fingers crossed. Tonight I have choir, and then tomorrow I’m going round to the flat for dinner with DL. It sounds really odd saying that because it’s my home really, but at the moment it doesn’t really feel that way because of the situation. Anyway she’s cooking a meal and hopefully we can spend some time together without getting stressed. Her cousin is coming up at the weekend and he’s spicifically asked that the three of us go shopping together, so I’m going with them on Saturday too.

I also commented in my last post that everyone seems to be breaking up, and since then two more couples I know have split, how strange! Oh well, it’s all part of the big plan I guess, whatever that may be. Right now I’m off to get some breakfast, I intended to have a lie in this morning but Una woke me at 8 wanting to go to the toilet, so I had to take her outside and after that I couldn’t get back to sleep. Honestly, never work with animals or children!

Lovers and Friends

If I’m honest this week has been a nightmare. DL and I have either been in tears or angry with each other, or more like she has been angry with me, and I’ve been feeling guilty. Doofus has been staying to keep DL company so that was good for her, but it’s just been awkward between us. We’ve never really been just friends, and so A it’s hard to know how to act, and B you can’t just make the transition from being lovers to being friends overnight, especially not when you’re hurting as much as this.

Monday I spent in tears, unable to work, not doing a lot. On Tuesday I devoted myself to advertising the spare room on the internet from the start of January. We’ve agreed that DL will move out, and I think she’s decided to stay in Sheffield rather than move back with her parents in London because she’s being kept on until easter at her job, and her therapist is up here too. On Tuesday night I went out with friends, and to be honest I didn’t enjoy myself. I guess I wasn’t ready to face the world, and after a short time I got tired of sleezy men trying to dance with me and came home and went to bed.

On Wednesday I worked during the day and then went to choir in the evening. Came back and had a two hour discussion with DL, because she was furious that I’d taken a toy out of our collection to use, and she was also hurt that I’d advertised the room so soon. I guess on reflection it was a little hasty and I probably should have consulted with her more before doing so, but I just didn’t know what to do for the best and after being beside myself I wanted to be more proactive. Anyway we kind of made up on Wednesday night, and agreed that we would still go to the Christina Aguilera concert on Friday together.

On Thursday my mother descended on us for the day, and apart from the fact that she tried to reorganise the spare room, which is for the moment my room, which included moving everything around, going through my chest of draws and putting underwear, nighties, everything in a different order and in different places, going through my entire wardrobe and sorting out my supposed winter collection of clothes and putting everything else in other places, moving the cd’s by my stereo so I had no idea what was what, and generally making a huge mess of things she was very supportive. I did go nuts at the room reorganisation, it consisted of me shouting things like, “how would you like it if I came in to your house and went through all your stuff?” and, “there are personal items in my draws, I wouldn’t go through your underwear!” etc etc. I later also discovered that on remaking my bed she’d moved my vibrator from under the pillow and placed it on the bedside table, that is so out of line! When she discovered that DL and I had been on a break for the past month her comment was, “why didn’t you tell me? I’m your mother, I should know everything”, which just about sums it up really. Anyway like I said besides all that she was very emotionally supportive which was great, and we went shopping after she forced me to go to the only class I’d attended that week, and she didn’t leave until around eight in the evening after making sure I’d eaten something. The rest of Thursday evening and the whole of Friday was spent editing an essay I had due in, which I’m not expecting to get good marks for at all, and then in the evening DL and I went to see Christina, which was absolutely fantastic!!!

So, to sum up, DL and I have figured we can’t really go on living together with the way things are at the moment, not if we want to salvage any kind of relationship out of things, and thankfully Sarah has offered us her spare attic bedroom, and I’m moving there tomorrow as DL will have enough moving to do after Christmas. So we’re going to spend some time apart before Christmas, and then obviously DL is leaving and we’ll have some distance for a while, after which we’ll either try and have a friendship, or perhaps start dating again and take things slowly. I’m not making any promises though, things could easily go one way or the other and DL knows that. This isn’t a break, we have broken up, so no one is leading anyone anywhere.

I’ve also been mortified by DL’s mother’s behaviour. I wasn’t expecting her to be fine with things, but I certainly didn’t expect the reaction I got either. I’m the world’s worsed according to her, I never really loved DL as much as she loved me, apparently if I’d loved her I wouldn’t have gone to Africa, and I’ve been leading her on for a long time, apparently! I’m both furious and very hurt by her horrible words, especially because I feel that saying things like that is not being supportive to DL and I can see that it’s hurting her. All I can say is that I want to be happy, and just because she’s been in a loveless marriage for the past fifteen years doesn’t mean I’m going to follow suit just to keep the peace. I know I sound bitter, but I am really because even though DL is her daughter, she is totally unjustified in what she is saying. A few weeks ago she was calling me and saying that we had her support whenever we needed it, now she hates my guts and was being sickly sweet to Doofus who she claims to dislike and threw money at her for coming to stay here. Talk about fickle.

Anyway on a lighter note, I think me going to stay with Sarah is a positive move and hopefully it’ll mean we don’t end up at each other’s throats. That’s the last thing I want, and although we’re no longer together I still love her dearly and I hate seeing her hurting. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen at Christmas, I’m trying not to think about it, although I have had several kind offers to go and visit friends and my mother is gnagging me to go back home. I really don’t know what’s happening to everyone at the moment, most of the couples I know are having some kind of difficulties, it must be something in the water I think.
Sorry this post is a bit all over the place, I’ve just got so much to say and I don’t really know how. I guess I’ll have to post more often. Will let you know how it goes in the new digs, if I can get an internet connection that is, I’ll go crazy if I can’t.

Break up.

Yesterday afternoon I finally told DL it's over. It was the most horrible and painful thing I've had to do. I think I've come to the realisation that no matter what she does now, it's too late for me, for us, and that my feelings for her have changed beyond anything i can repair. These past few months have taken their tole more than I orrigionally thought, and things just aren't right and I don't think that with time they'll be ok.
We were supposed to spend christmas together to see how it went, but I felt like I would be lying to both myself and DL and giving her a false sense of hope where I know there isn't any if i did that. Her mum has also started telling the famliy we're together. How ironic that it's the one thing I wanted more than anything, and now it's happened it's at completely the wrong time, and it only made me panic because I didn't know if I wanted to be with her. So yesterday I was totally honest with her about the way I felt.
I told her I wasn't in love with her anymore and that no matter what she did, I didn't think I could get that back. We both cried, she gave me the eternity ring I bought her back, then she started getting angry, asking if I'd ever loved her in the first place. I left the house to go and stay at a friend's, and I've come back this morning to find she's moved everything I own in to the spare room, and she's taken all the photos of us out of their frames and turned them face down.
I don't even know if she's at work, she could have gone back to London for all I know. I dont know how to deal with what's happening. I know I'm the one who's ended it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still love her dearly and if I could change the way I feel, I would. I can't stop crying and it's frightening.
She says she's going to her parents every weekend from now until christmas, when I think she'll move out. There's no way we can live here together, so I now have the job of finding another flat mate, because there's no way I can afford to pay the full rent on my own. I hate every damn minute of it.
Her mother now hates me, they were on the phone for ages yesterday and I'm the worsed person in the world right now. I can't blame either of them for thinking that I suppose, I just have to say that I really didn't ask for any of this, and I wanted more than anything for us to work. I can't imagine being with some one else right now, my future was with her and I can't think about life without her in it at the moment.
It's all just so painful, and I've broken both our hearts and I hate myself for that. I hate watching us break down like this, destroying everything we had, going back to being estranged, awkward with each other, distant, hurt and angry. I hate it all.
She's my best friend and I want more than anything to talk to her and cry and I know I can't do that because she's the one I've hurt the most.
I'm sorry, just so sorry.

time for some relaxation!

Thank God that horrible exam/essay thing is over!

To be honest it wasn't a bad weekend all in all, i didn't get overly stressed about it, just hope I've done ok. DL was a star, she plied me with lots of tea and hugs and cooked some wonderful meals and gave me chocolate, which is always a blessing. We also had some time out curled up under a duvet on the sofa, a huge fat labrador lying across both of us, watching series two of Lost, which is just as frustrating as ever! I mean, how long are they going to drag it out for, and it's like, "oh, look, yet another hatch, surprise surprise." I still keep watching though, and moan after each episode.

Today is a busy day. I handed in my essay this morning, I've just sorted out stuff to pack for London, I'm having lunch with Kim and Sean in about half an hour, and then I'm going to the cinema with DL this evening to watch a documentary about the seedy side of Sheffield, which I'm really looking forward too. Then it's off to London village tomorrow for some quality relaxation. I've not stayed with Baby G for ages so I'm quite excited about the whole thing, and I'm also meeting up with some women from the Africa project so it'll be a nostalgic get together I think.

I'm feeling really hyperactive at the moment and in a really good mood. DL and I have been getting on really well if the truth be told. We kind of gave up on the sleeping arrangements after the day in York, and I've been back in our room every night this week, and it's been heaven. I sleep so much better when I'm in our bed, with her, and we're not at all taking it for granted that the other person will want to share that particular night, so it's always a pleasure when we decide to go to bed together. I'm feeling much more positive, and she seems to be too. So who knows, watch this space...
I've also sent off another short story for consideration for the uni creative writing magazine, so fingers crossed it'll get in. What else...? Not a lot I don't think, and that's just the way I like it!

A Diversion

Let’s have a diversion, you must be getting bored of hearing about my turbulant love life by now lol. So here’s some mindless distraction…

First and formost, tomorrow marks three months exactly that Una has been with us, so happy anniversary my little girl, I can’t imagine what life was like without you in it!
Secondly, I have a stinker of an exam this weekend. The university calls it a 72 hour exam, where we’re basically given two essay questions and have 72 hours to write them. They’re both close readings of extracts taken from Victorian literature, and it’s not pleasant having to devote an entire weekend to writing them. So that’s this weekend taken care of.
Thirdly, I am getting more and more annoyed by the day at the lack of decent shoes in the shops! I have searched high and low for a pair of black, and a pair of brown, knee high boots to go with my skirts, and can I find any that are not A too big, B too small, C not in my size, D too high, or E the wrong colour? The answer is no. The upside though, is that…
Fourthly, I’m going to London town next week, where among other things, I can go to Oxford Street to look even more for boots! Yay! I’m going on Tuesday to stay with Baby G for a few days, to have a rest, and, oh yeah, write two essays as well, but we won’t think about that part for now. I can’t wait! It’ll be so good catching up with everyone down there, and I haven’t even seen Baby G’s new flat yet, so I’m excited about that. I’m taking Una of course, and she’s never been to the big smoke before, so it’ll be interesting to see how she deals with it. I’m sure she’ll be fine though.

I think that’s all for now. I’m going to drink the lovely cup of tea that DL has kindly made for me, and then go to bed.

Here in Limbo

I'm stil here.
Just about.
She was away last week, now she's back.
That week I cried everyday. I struggled to go in to uni, but I did go. My mum visited for her birthday and I kept it together, i think that was when I stopped crying.
I haven't cried since.
I just feel... How do I feel? I don't know.
She's back now. She came back on Friday.
We made love.
I know that was bad, I know we shouldn't have done, and maybe we, I, did so for the wrong reasons. But on Friday night we spent the night together, and right then, right there, it was what we both needed to do.
We haven't slept together since.
I'm back in the spare room again.
On Saturday we went to York to the arts festival. We had a great day, and the same on Sunday when we went shopping.
But everything is weird between us.
We don't know how to be around each other. We've never been just friends, and so sometimes we hug and laugh and seem to be close, other times we are distant and there's a barrier, a wall between us, a wall of uncertainty.
Every night we reluctantly part and go to our separate beds.
But it's like she said, she wants it to be her I miss, not just a body in my bed.
She's so determined that we'll give it another go, one last chance. I don't know how I feel about it.
I feel like I need to escape from inside my own head.
I'm not sleeping propperly. I'm missing morning lectures because I can't sleep at night, and then when I do fall asleep I over sleep.
I'm tired. So very tired.
Next week I'm going to London to see Baby G. Maybe that'll help.
Then it's decision time.

Filling in the gaps

I’m writing this mainly because the thought of going to bed and trying to get to sleep is not a nice one right now. My brain needs to be active, because when I sit or lie around not doing much I have too much time to think.

I read back through some blog posts and realised just how little I’ve been actually saying over these past few weeks. That’s mainly, like I said before because I didn’t and still don’t know how to. Last Wednesday night I made the decision to end my relationship with DL. Things haven’t been good between us for a long time and I don’t see them getting any better, we’re just making each other miserable and that’s not the way it’s supposed to be. So all through choir I was dreading going back home. We hardly spoke in the car, and then she went straight to bed. I tried and failed to eat my dinner through knots in my stomach and tears running down my cheeks. Then I cried quietly but hysterically on the phone to a friend, and afterwards sat down and composed a letter to DL. My plan was to take the easy way out and leave while she was at work that coming Friday and escape to my mum’s house for the weekend. It didn’t quite work out like that though. I was dreading going to bed, because I knew that if I slept in the spare room she’d wake up and come and find me, and I didn’t particularly want to sleep next to her either, pretending everything was fine. But when I got in to bed thinking she was asleep and didn’t cuddle her, she asked what was wrong and wouldn’t let up until I told her the truth. It was truly horrible. I’m not proud of myself and it tore me apart to witness the hurt I caused her. She was frantic, crying hysterically and imploring me to change my mind. We moved to the living room and she cried and paced while I sat feeling numb and miserable, trying to tell her it was too late to go back. She refused to accept it, begging me not to do it, saying that she knew I still loved her and that we could work it out. We went on like this for some time, she said she couldn’t live without me and that nothing mattered if we weren’t together, me trying to convince her otherwise. It was awful, one minute she was broken, the next she would be angry, asking me how I could do this to her and so on. In the end, she calmed down a little and asked if we could just take a break, to see how things went before I made my decision, and that’s where we’re at right now. That night we went to bed together and just held each other, both too upset to say much, and the following day I moved in to the spare room. She’s now arranged to see a therapist to try and deal with some of her issues, a lot of which have a negative impact on the relationship. We’re spending a month apart, the first week physically as she’s gone to stay with her parents, and I’ll stay in the spare room after that and we’ll try and live as friends while we both work out our issues, then we’ll decide what to do.

I’m not sure how I feel right now if I’m honest, or what I want to do. Part of me feels that now we’ve come this far there’s no going back. We, I, said too much and I don’t know if the relationship is salvageable. I’m questioning everything at the moment, whether I still love her, whether I want to go back, whether I can be without her, whether I want to be single again, whether it’s worth fighting for…

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions right now. I spent the first two days crying, now I feel terribly sad, but numb. I’m here alone and I don’t mind it really, it’s just the nights that are the worsed. Going to bed and trying to sleep. More than anything right now I just want to be held, not quick hugs, but some one to stay with me and just hold me and let me cry and let everything go, just lie with me all night and for that to be ok. I haven’t told many people what’s going on, but those I have told are being really supportive, but that’s not something you can ask of your friends really. I don’t know how I’m going to go through this week concentrating on work and going to lectures. I just want to shut the world out and lose myself in books or music. I’ve also had a permenant hang over for the past three days and will have to start eating more and drinking less. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk about it really, but at the same time I need support. I feel so torn, like I’m being wripped in half, one part saying one thing, the other the exact opposite.
I just hurt. That’s all I can say right now.

mind numbing stuff

I can't bring myself to compose a post about what's going on in my life right now, partly because I don't know what's happening to a large extent, or what is likely to happen within the next few weeks. It's all up in the air, and it's just too raw and painful to go in to. Hopefully, when things settle down I'll be able to fill you in, but in the mean time I stole this from Sappherine's blog:

1. Dated outside your race? Yes.
2. Singing in the shower? All the time, I have a shower radio so I always listen to music in there and sing along.
3. Spit in someone's drink? Nope. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to...
4. Played with Barbies? No.
5. Made someone cry? Yes.
6. Opened your Christmas presents early? Possibly...
7. Lied to a friend? Yes.
8. Watched and cried while watching a soap opera? No.
9. Played a computer game for more than 5 hours? I don't play computer games.
10. Ran through the sprinklers naked? No.
11. Ate food that fell on the floor? No! When I was about five i had a friend who always did it and I thought it was disgusting!
12. Went outside naked? Haha yes!
13. Been on stage? Yes.
14. Been on stage naked or close to it? No.
15. Been in a parade? No.
16. Been in a school play? No.
17. Drank beer? No it's gross.
18. Gotten detention? Yes, once.
19. Been on a cruise? No.
20. Broken into a house? No.
21. Gotten a tattoo? No, i'm too much of a wuss.
22. Gotten piercings? Yes; ears and naval.
23. Gotten into a fist fight? No.
24. Gotten into a shouting match? Loads, mainly with my mother.
25. Swallowed sea/pool water? Yes.
26. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose? Lol yes.
27. Laughed so hard it hurt? Yes, that's the best kind of laughter.
28. Tripped on your own feet? Yes, all the time!
29. Cried yourself to sleep? Yes.
30. Cried in public? Yes. I seem to cry when I'm not supposed to and don't cry when it would seem natural to do so.
31. Thrown up in public? Public bathrooms yes.
32. Lied to your parents? Who hasn't?
33. Skipped class? Yes.
34. Cried so hard you threw up? No, that doesn't usually happen to me, the sickness thing with the crying.
35. Had a one night stand? Yes.
36. Left restaurant without paying tab? Hell no!
37. Been fired from a job? No, I've never had ajob. I've never left academia.
38. Wanted to make out with your massage therapist, therapist or hairdresser? Yes, but that was only because I had a masseur for a while who I was actually sleeping with. I didn't pay her for that though, lol.
39. Had a drink "sent" to a stranger at a bar? No, I think that's sleezy.
40. Been winked at and loved it? Hell yes!

That's all for now.

fat bottomed girls

i have a fat arse. I've just noticed. I don't like it. Not one little bit. DL says it's sexy. I think it's just... Big! Usually my weight goes on my stomach. This time it's my arse. Bye bye ben and jerry's, so long chocolate bars, ciao crisps. Yeah right, who am I kidding. I should just learn to love my body and embrace my curvatiousness. But how, that's the question? It's strange because I love valuptuouss, curvatious women with big breasts and behinds, I just don't like it on myself, which poses a problem because I happen to love food. Cooking it, eating it, and the richer the better. I'm miserable when I go on a healthy eating, smaller portions diet. If I'm honest it's just not me. So I either have to change my eating habits and learn to live with it, or accept the fact that I'll never be as slim as I'd like to be and live with that. Damn my family's genetic tendencies to put on a stone if you just happen to look too long at a chocolate chip muffin.

Work and Play

I’ve been doing a lot of both in the past week, but I get the feeling that after going out tonight, it’ll be all work and no play over the weekend.

Monday was a bit of a weird day all in all. In one respect I felt like I could do anything, in another very insecure about my ability to perform, and no, for once I’m not talking sexually. For the first time since starting the creative writing module this semester, I suddenly found myself sitting around a table with about ten other people, feeling very self conscious about my work. I was one of the last to read mine out this week, and while everyone else was reading all I could think was how poor my quality of writing is compared to theirs. I’m sure everyone must feel like that to some extent, but it’s the first time it’s really hit me, and the first time I felt reluctant when asked to read my stuff out loud. I’m trying to do as much writing as possible, but at the moment it’s coming in little bursts that don’t usually last more than half an hour before I hit a wall, and I’ve also realised I find it difficult to construct characters that aren’t at all like myself. I really need to learn to distance myself from the characters and stories I write, and try to put as little of me in there as possible, or else they’ll start to get samey. I’m kind of regretting taking the module in a way, because it doesn’t hold the safety of writing two literary essays like the other modules do, this is all about my work, how imaginative and constructive I can be with my own writing, and I’m shit scared I won’t be able to perform to a high enough standard to get decent marks. So I’m now slightly regretting taking the option that isn’t so comfortable, but I’m hoping that in the long run I’ll gain useful insight in to how to improve my work.

The positive feelings I had on Monday concerned the possibility of a job starting next September. It’s the fast streme for graduates scheme with the civil service, and you can work in all sorts of different departments. The application process is very complicated, you have to take a series of online tests, and then go to a centre to be assessed before you’re even considered for an interview. In some cases, like with the diplomatic service which I’m most interested in, the successful candidates are then chosen by a board of people, so the chances of actually getting the job are quite slim I would say unless you’re super good. But in any case I’ve started the application process, and fingers crossed I’ll get somewhere. If I do get a job it’ll mean moving to London, but we wanted to do that anyway, it’ll just be sooner rather than later.

I caught DL’s cold on Tuesday, and so missed a lecture on Wednesday because I felt crappy, and just pottered about all day before going to choir in the evening, which I’m still really enjoying. I plan to spend today working as much as possible, and tonight a group of us are going to Fuel, the main gay club in town. Tomorrow night I’m working the night shift, so I’ll be sleeping some of Sunday away and then finishing off work in time for next week. I’m going to make the most of having time alone with DL, because next weekend we’re going to my mum’s as it’s her birthday, and then the following week is half term, so DL has the week off work and her mum and cousin are coming to stay. I’m not looking forward to having her cousin here to be honest, because the dog has taken a dislike to him and he tries to wind her up as much as possible without anyone noticing, so I’ll have to keep an eye on them both. To be honest a good bite on the ass is what he needs, but it can’t come from my lil pooch or she’ll have to retire and then I would have to murder some one.
Right, back to work…

Two years!

Last weekend DL and I celebrated our two year anniversary in style at a nearby hotel. She wrote about it so beautifully in her blog I’m not even going to attempt to put it any other way. Go here to find out:
http://doctorlucy.blogspot.com

Not much else is new, except to say that I’m feeling a million times better emotionally. This weekend did me the world of good, it pulled the plug and flooded my veins with proper feelings again. Life is truly great for the first time in ages, because we’ve reconnected whatever was broken between us. On Saturday night I slept properly for the first time in as long as I can remember, and the night’s since have been blissful. No bad dreams, no waking in the night for no reason, just quality, dreamless sleep. I think that says it all. Thank you for being so patient my love, we grow stronger with every passing day.

Birthday, blogger friends and back to university

On Friday DL’s birthday celebrations officially started. We went out, just the two of us, to a local gay club that had given her free entry and a bottle of champagne to celebrate her birthday. We went to the Lion’s Lair first for a couple, and then went on to the club. We had a fantastic night, we danced loads and got drunk on half a bottle of champagne each plus other stuff. It was lovely spending time just the two of us and it set the weekend off with a bang. We returned home and fell in to bed at around two, far too drunk to even contemplate making love.

On Saturday morning, DL’s mum arrived at around nine thirty. We were still in bed, having been oblivious to the phone ringing, and only woke up when she buzzed the flat to say she’d arrived. She bought loads of stuff with her, bottles of this and that, flowers and two birthday cakes, croissants and fruit, and we spent most of the morning eating and chatting. In the afternoon we went in to town and had lunch and a mooch around the shops, and Cathy bought Una a new toy which she so far hasn’t put down. When we got back, it was time to give DL the first of her major presents. This was a camcorder from her mother, and we decided she would prefer to have it on the Saturday so that she could record the meal if she wanted too. She absolutely loved it, and totally wasn’t expecting to get it, because I, after buying it for her mother from Meadow hall, had told her that her mother hadn’t gotten her one because DL herself hadn’t chosen one in time, which she was really gutted about. So she was absolutely made up with it, and spent the latter part of the afternoon playing with it.

The meal and drinks were a great success. We met up with Dora, Helen, Sophie, Sarah and Mat for cocktails in town, of which we drank several before moving on to Cubana for tapas. There was, however, a very embarrassing moment, when I didn’t realise DL had gone to sit somewhere else, and groped what I thought was her leg. It turned out to be the leg of Mat, Sarah’s boyfriend, and everyone was in hysterics because I must have gone as red as a beat route. Apart from the venue where we had the meal being extremely loud, making it difficult to have a conversation, we had a great time and the food was gorgeous. We stayed there until about twelve, and then came back home and went to bed.

Sunday was the actual day of DL’s birthday, and we got up fairly early as Cathy had to get back to London by the afternoon. We had breakfast and DL opened all her cards and gifts from everyone else. I saved mine until last because I knew she’d want to fiddle with it for ages, and I was right. I bought her a digital photo display. They’ve only just been bought out and only a few were sold in the shops, it was a pain in the backside to find one and I only knew about it because Hai Man has one. Anyway she was totally surprised yet again because she’d gone through all sorts of things and not even come close to guessing what it was. Her mum left about an hour later, and we went back to bed for a while, and then DL spent ages playing with her new toys while I made us lunch. We were originally supposed to have a picnic in the park, but the weather wasn’t so good, so I made us a buffet lunch indoors instead, which we ate while watching little Britain series 3. We then spent the afternoon testing out the camcorder, (not on anything rude as yet), and watching the l-word. Just before dinner we took the dog for a stroll as it had brightened up somewhat, and then I made DL’s favourite, Thai chicken with rice and stir fry veg. It was a lovely weekend, I hope she enjoyed it!

Monday saw the start of the first semester of my final year at uni, and what a nightmare it was to start with. All of last week I couldn’t access my time table online, and I’d gotten an email from the English department saying there was a problem with the website, so I wasn’t too concerned. By the weekend however, I was worried, and emailed the module coordinator to ask what was going on. Her reply was this:
‘Thanks for your message. It's because you haven't registered yet. As
soon as you do, you will be able to see your level 3 modules and sign-up
for your seminars.’
What? As far as I was aware I had registered by post months ago, which basically meant that the university either hadn’t received the form, or received it and lost it, which sounds more likely to me. Not only does not registering have an effect on signing up for seminars though, it also prevents the student loan from being paid in on time, so I’m still waiting for that to go through. So first thing Monday I went down to the uni with Kim, bless her, and registered for my finals, and then I was able to sign up for seminars. I was panicking so much because it’s basically first come first served, and if all the good ones go you can be left with seminars either first thing in the morning, or on a Friday, which is usually my day off to spend reading and preparing for the next week’s classes. Thankfully I don’t have any on a Friday though, so it worked out ok.

Apart from that uni has been going really well. I’m now working with the dog everyday, and she loves the hustle and bustle of new people and places, you can see the excitement in her whenever we go out. I already have loads of reading to do though, but I’m managing to get a lot of the texts either on audio or online which is useful.

On Tuesday night DL and I went and had dinner with Deadly Female and Sapherine at DF’s house. I wanted to share this because they are the loveliest couple you could ever wish to meet, and, if you ask me, perfectly suited to one another. We arrived about half an hour early because there was no traffic, and were kept entertained by DF’s kids, who are the cutest ever. I’m now very broody thanks to her youngest child, who was full of energy and pelted me with the most bizarre questions. “How do you get blind?” was one of them which is understandable, then I had, “how do old people get false teeth?” among others. I even got a hug goodnight when she went to bed, that kid could seriously get away with murder she’s so sweet. When the kids went to bed we sat chatting for a while, and then we had dinner, which was ciabata bread with pesto, tomatoes and mozzarella, followed by S’s home made chilli which was gorgeous. We also took Una with us, and I was so relieved that she didn’t attempt to go after the cat, they just stared each other out which I can deal with. We had an absolutely lovely evening and DF and S make the sweetest couple.

So that’s what’s been happening in my world, this weekend DL’s cousin is coming to stay and he doesn’t know we’re together (yet), so that’ll be interesting. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to write about at least.

Still here.

I’m still here, I just keep meaning to blog and never get round to it.

Last weekend was kind of an up and down weekend of sorts. While we were supposed to be getting ready to go out clubbing, DL and I somehow ended up having this huge in depth discussion, that I really don’t have the energy to even begin to explain right now. The basics were that I confessed that while she was away I didn’t really miss her, and was glad of the time apart, and that I wasn’t sure I feel about her the way you should feel about your partner. I don’t know whether it’s just a settling down contentment I feel, we’ve been together for two years after all, or whether I’m just happy with the life/house/car/domesticity we have, rather than the relationship itself. We both got quite upset, and DL asked if I wanted a break. I said that I didn’t, and even if I did it would be almost impossible as we live in the same house. We chatted about lots of things, and decided to see how it goes. This week has been great, although we’ve not seen as much of each other as usual as we’ve both been busy. For now we’re trying not to put too many demands on one another, just enjoying each day at a time. The last thing I want is to leave her, I just feel like some one has put my emotions on ice, and I don’t really feel much of anything at the moment. I still haven’t cried properly since I returned from Africa, and I’m just sort of going along day to day just getting on with things, I feel like I need something to make me snap out of the numbness I seem to have gotten myself in too.

Apart from that, my mother’s been to stay, and we’ve also been looking after Albert for the week, which we won’t be doing again in a hurry. To be honest he’s been a pain in the arse, growling at Una if she gets too close, lying in her bed, which means she has nowhere to lie because his bed is too small for her, and generally competing for attention. He also goes mad when I take Una out and leave him behind, barking and standing by the door, which he’s always done, but it makes it hard to get her out without him sneaking through too. I think my dad’ll have to find another dog sitter if he goes away for long periods of time in future. Una’s also cut her foot quite badly on a walk today and it keeps bleeding, but because the vets are closed at this time I’ve just bandaged it up, and if it’s no better by tomorrow I’ll take her then. I also joined the local LGB choir this week, and was very nervous about going, but it was fantastic and I’ll definitely be a regular member there. I’ve also started on protein shakes to help shed the pounds, I haven’t put on any weight in the past few months, but can’t seem to get down past a certain weight, so I’m hoping these will give me a kick start.

This weekend it’s DL’s birthday. Tomorrow night we plan to go out just the two of us, as she has VIP entry in to a local gay club, then on Saturday her mum is coming up, as well as Baby G, and a group of us are going out for cocktails and tapas. Then on Sunday I’m taking her for a picnic in the park if the weather’s nice, and then I’ll cook a romantic meal in the evening. Hopefully that’ll all make her feel special and a bit more loved, she’s still convinced I’m going to end things. I’ve also gotten her a great present, well if it was for me I would love it anyway, and I think she will too. The weekend after that her cousin is coming, and the one after that it’s our two year anniversary. We’re also going to the York Lesbian Arts Festival at the end of October, to see Christina Aguilera in concert in November, and to see Pink in December, so lots to look forward too. We’re also hoping to meet up with Deadly Female and Saphirine for dinner next week before she whizzes back off to the US.
Now I’m going to go and call Hai Man, who apparently isn’t enjoying herself in Belgium to find out what’s going on, and then we’ll settle down for another instalment of The L-word.

Afterthought: I’m stealing an idea from Creepy Lesbo, and leaving my msn details here, so feel free to add me for a chat. It’ll be interesting to see how many or what kinds of people read my blog.

MSN: hayley0810@hotmail.co.uk

Dads, Dogs and Downloads

A couple of hours after my last post, the telephone rang.
Me: 'Hello?'
My dad sounding sheepish: 'Hello my darling'.
Me not sounding impressed: 'Hi'.
Dad: 'I just thought I'd ring you back, because I was sitting here cutting the dog and feeling guilty about the way I spoke to you earlier.'
Me feeling hopeful: 'Oh right.'
He then went on to explain how stressed he was, but the best part of the conversation for me, apart from the appology was, 'You were right, and that's why I got annoyed really. I am unorganised and I should have made sure the dog was cut, that's why I'm doing it myself now.' Really, it was so nice to hear him sounding appologetic, because I was feeling quite upset about it all, so we're fine now anyway.

So the dog is here and he does look better. He's so so so short now, he's almost bald lol, but he looks much better after I bathed him this morning. The two dogs are getting on so so, they seem to be competeing for the higher rank in the pack, moreover, Albert is bullying Una and keeps growling at her, which he got a thorough bollocking and a hard slap for today. Apart from that they're fine though. Which is more than I can say for me.

Six thirty this morning. DL has gotten out of bed, I am half asleep. I hear her calling first Una and then Albert to go out for a wee. The two run back in together. Their beds are both in our room, but they neglect them entirely and decide its time to wake up mum. Firstly Albert jumps on the bed, walks up my body and sits on my chest with one paw over my wind pipe. I can't breathe. Then, Una being the jealous cow she is, decides she wants a cuddle, jumps up, and sits on my rib cage. Now Albert I could just about move if I wanted too, a 29 KG labradoor however is another matter, especially when your breathing is being obstructed by the paw of a King Charles Spaniel. 'DL! DL!' I croke, she doesn't hear me however because she is putting the washing machine on. So after some considerable effort on my part, i manage to riggle out from under the dogs, and get up. By this time I was wide awake and so have been up since then. Little sods!

Some exciting news though. I have managed to download series 3 of The L-word off the internet as we don't have cable TV in our house, so DL and I are going to start watching it now, woohoo! I've also finally gotten to the end of Middlemarch, which is nearly a thousand pages long, so I'm congratulating myself. I now have to start on Great Expectations, which I've both read and seen before so that shouldn't be too bad. Bye for now, the lesbians from LA require my full attention!

Taking the Piss!

It's things like this that make me wish I were a naturally selfish person.

For months my dad has been planning a holiday away with his new girlfriend. He didn't know where they would go, but he did know that it would be some time in September, and asked me ages ago if I would look after the family dog for ten days while they were away. This I have absolutely no problem with. What I do have issues with is the fact that I feel like he's completely taking the piss. Albert is a King Charles, and so naturally has long, curly hair. When we lived together as a family my mum always used to get him booked in to be cut, so that for the most part his hair remained very short. This was done for a number of reasons, primarily because when his hair is long, he makes an awful mess, especially when he's been out for a walk, and he also doesn't smell so good either because the hair on his ears dangles in his food, and when he pees it often catches the hair on his under belly. The hair also collects more dirt as longer hair does, and it used to take my mum ages to clean the house if his hair was long.

Since the dog has moved to live with my dad however, his hair is long for the most part, and my dad doesn't seem to notice the negatives. But whenever he comes to stay he always has to be cut, so that i can keep the house clean. This means for the most part that he doesn't get cut until he arrives, and DL and I have to take him to be done because my dad hasn't been organised well enough to do it himself. We've never minded too much, we always book him in in advance, so that it gets done within a couple of days of his arrival, and that way the house is easier to manage. I should also add that my poor little dog has a bit of a problem with his man parts, and this means that he often dribbles spunk, disgusting I know. So you can see why, with that added bonus, I think not, I'm especially keen to create as few difficulties as possible.

So getting back to my origional gripe. My dad has known for months that the dog will be coming here sometime in September. He also knew that DL would be starting back at work full time, and so we wouldn't be able to take him to be cut, which meant that my dad would have to do it. I've reminded him more or less everytime I've seen him that he needs to get the dog cut before he comes here, especially now with the added mess of having my own dog to take care of. About ten minutes ago, I had a phone call from my dad, saying that he had a million and one things to do before he goes away on Thursday, that he'd rang around and couldn't get the dog booked in anywhere, and that he didn't have time to do it himself. Impressed? I think not! He makes me so angry because he knows that to book the dog in you have to phone up weeks in advance as they tend to be really busy, and when did he bother to phone them? Two fucking days before his fucking holiday. This wouldn't be so bad if he could do it himself, but he's so unorganised that he hasn't washed or ironed any clothes to go away, his car has broken down and so now is having a major stress. I told him that I wasn't happy, and reminded him that he said he'd get it done, and also told him how much extra work it creates for me when the dog is like that. Bare in mind that he and the dog came over the other day to see how the two dogs got along, and Albert looked disgusting. My dad doesn't seem to notice how awful the dog looks, he hadn't been brushed in weeks, desperately needed a bath, and his hair was so long he stank. Most of this I could take care of myself, apart from the cutting of the hair, and like I said DL is at work so we can't take him somewhere. I'm especially pissed off because I told dad I wasn't happy with the way the dog looked and smelled, and he promised he'd get it sorted out. Furthermore it's DL's birthday the day after he's being collected, and I want the house to look lovely for when friends and family come over, and my dad knew that. That ain't gonna happen with a manky dog around the place.

You might be thinking give the poor man a break, but he's like this all the time over one thing or another, leaving things until the last minute, and he doesn't seem to appreciate how much it inconveniences others. DL's not too impressed about having to have the dog anyway, because she'll have to get up even earlier to take him for a walk, so it'll mean extra hastle for her too, but we obliged because he's the family dog and I wouldn't want to put my dad out and say no when I know he's stuck for people to look after him. I basically inferred as politely as I could that it was due to his poor organisation that this had happened, and that I wouldn't be at all happy if he wasn't cut. His parting response was, "So everything's left to me as usual." I bit back the response that "well he is your dog and therefore your responsibility," and in the end he practically hung up on me because he was so mad. I should also explain that he's got an incredibly short temper, and if he hadn't hung up he would have gone purple in the face and screamed at me down the phone. Last year we had a huge argument about the dog, because he leaves him for twelve hours at a time, sometimes more when he goes out, and in my oppinion that's neglect and not at all fair on the poor thing. I tried to talk to him rassionally about getting a dog sitter, or some one to come and walk him, and he got in my face and shouted that there was nothing wrong with the way he takes care of the dog, and we ended up having an almighty argument, because no one screams in my fucking face, not even my dad. There was a lot of bad feeling for months after that, and to be honest I can see this going the same way. He'll blame me and say that I'm not considerate of how much he has to do before the holiday, but to be frank I really feel like he's taking the absolute piss. It's like he thinks I don't have things to do, and I don't want a clean house, (his isn't especially great in my oppinion), and I have days on end to spend going around after the dog with a mop.

I just feel like I've had the favour I'm doing him thrown back in my face, he's not paying for the dog to go in to kennels, he knows he'll be walked twice a day, fed properly, played with and loved, so there's nothing to worry about, and all I ask him to do in return is this one small thing that makes my life ten times easier when I look after him. I mean, you wouldn't send your child to some one to look after looking and smelling filthy, with dirty clothes and hair, so why should it be any different with an animal? I'm just really annoyed, and wish he wouldn't take it for granted that I'll have the dog no matter what state he's in. And I feel like I can't explain to him how upset I am about it, because he'll just fly off the handle. I can't talk to my mum about it either, because if she knows he's upset me she'll give him ten rounds of F's, and I don't want there to be any bad feeling.

So two sinarios will happen now:
A: the dog will arrive with long, dirty hair, my dad will half appologise but know there's nothing i can do about it now that I have him to stay, and I won't say anything because I don't want to end up in a confrontation with him.
B: the dog will arrive freshly cut, and my dad will have an attitude with me for apparently forcing him in to doing it, resulting in my feeling guilty, when in fact the fault lies purely with him.
I can't win either way.

Thoughts of you (explicit)

It is the night before. I stand perfectly naked beneath the spray of the shower, the radio playing sultry rhythm and blues, while I cent my body and soap my hair. You knock softly, then enter the bathroom, the steam from the hot water clouding your glasses and the mirror above the basin. You sit observing me through the misted glass, and I feel like an exotic bird preening herself in time for the mating season.
I stretch my arms high making my firm round breasts lift and tremble, the small pink nipples made hard by the flow of the water. All the time I am washing and luxuriating under the force from the shower head above me, I am also aware of a slow pulsing, almost in time with the beat of the music it seems, coming from between my legs. I know we will make love tonight, after I have towel dried my body and blow dried my hair. I know that we will lay upon the crisp white sheets of our bed, and link our bodies and minds together, so that they will become fused, soldered in to one hot point of burning exploding ecstasy that we will share together.

My body still in the shower, my mind somewhere else, I lean forward and remove a razor from its cradle on the tiled window sill, and taking a squirt of foaming jell in my hand, I spread my legs before the glass and apply the blade to the most delicate area of my body. You are watching my movements avidly, and this gives me a feeling I can’t describe, a buzz, a thrill, it makes me ache for you, and as my fingers brush over my clit it sits up and starts paying attention. I am so excited by your intense gaze, because I know you love my pussy best when it is smooth, and as I guide the blade along my labia and across my pubic bone, I know that the revealing of the soft pink flesh the hair leaves behind is making you wet.

When I am through shaving, I replace the razor, and wash myself one final time to remove any lingering hairs, and then when I am totally satisfied that I cannot make myself any smoother, I step forward and turn off both the radio and the jet of water. As I step out of the shower you are there, waiting to envelop me in a large soft towel, but as we kiss, and pin points of water trickle down my back and breasts, we both become transfixed with our mutual desire, and you bend to stroke my freshly shaven cunt with the tips of your fingers. My clit is now in overdrive mode, she is standing up, screaming out to be caressed, and so I squat down and sit on the floor at the entrance to the shower cubicle, leaning back so that the lower half of my body protrudes from the doorway. Instinctively you know what I want, and you drop to your knees and take my buttocks in your two hands, spreading them wide. I arch my back and tilt my pelvis up to your lowering face, wrap my legs around your neck, and with my feet on your back, use my strong thighs to pull you downwards until your tongue touches my warm, wet slit. As you taste me for the first time we both cry out, me from the sheer exhilaration of feeling your tongue on my most sensitive area, and you from the feel of my smooth skin rubbing against your face, and the taste of my fresh, hot juices. I lie there my head far back in the cubicle, my back sliding around on the slippery surface where the water has not had time to dry, my legs as wide as the opening to the shower will allow, and you, dipping your tongue inside me and then licking, flicking, circling and sucking all the way from my clit to my arse. I think I will come there and then, in fact I’m sure I will if you don’t stop, and my mind and body are in battle, my mind telling my hands to push you away so that I don’t come, at the same time as my back arches up, and my fingers close around your hair to pull you in deeper. After some time we both know that soon I will reach the point of no return, and there is something we both want to do before that happens. Reluctantly you pull away and wipe your face, and I, struggling to stand, rise and wrap myself in a towel. By now you are in the bedroom, and I know instinctively what you will be doing. I linger in the bathroom to ring out my hair, and to enjoy the wetness between my legs as I move about, and then I follow you through to the bedroom.

You are, as I knew you would be, bent over, your head under the desk, rummaging in our special, private box. Impatiently I grip your hips from behind, and you laugh and tell me to wait a minute. I throw myself on to the bed, towel flying open, legs apart, and seeing my immediate need you pass me my favourite little toy, tiny, yet lethal. Straight away I take it in my hand, pressing the remote control to activate the vibrations. I lubricate it with my own wetness, and then slide it back and forth over my clit, again and again, moving it away when I feel as though I will come. As you prepare to fuck me, you watch my actions, and I know you are watching because you love to see me do it. You love it when I am as horny as hell, when I ache and moan and beg you to have me. Now that you are ready, I slide over to the other side of the bed, and you lie down on your back, and wait for me to climb on top. We are kissing now, and as our tongues touch and intertwine, so do our body’s as I throw a leg over your hips, grip your shoulders with my hands, and lower myself on to you. As you start to feel me, you moan and pull me down harder, thrusting the shaft between your legs deep inside me. I rock on the hardness, feeling it prise me open, feeling my clit touch your skin as I take the full thrust of it inside me. By now we are both crying out, you are bucking your hips higher and higher, and I am lifting then dropping, lifting then dropping, my large firm breasts bouncing up and down in your face, my hair streaming over your own breasts as we fuck. As the tension inside me builds, we go faster and faster, until eventually you are pounding in to me, and I am open, wide open to you, thrusting my cunt that is now on fire down upon you harder and harder. The leather holding the shaft creeks, and I know the straps between your legs will be saturated by now with your own juices. The vibrator at my clit pulses harder, higher, and I feel it now, building, intensifying, starting deep within me and moving outwards. You can see it in my face, and you pump harder and harder, crying out, gripping my shoulders as I sink my teeth in to yours. I am an animal now, a wild beast, longing, wanting, reckless, heedless of everything outside my own intense, exquisite pleasure, and as I come I throw my head back and let out a guttural roar, a cry that pierces my brain and is the only way I know how to express the pulsing, aching, throbbing, burning that possesses my entire being.

Afterwards, we lie trembling, sweating and gasping. I’m still on top of you, the tip of the shaft is still inside me, and we are clinging on to one another as though we are drowning. You can feel the after effects of my climax, as my muscles clench and relax around the dildo, and teasingly you push ever so slightly in to me, my own sensitivity making me shudder with every stroke.

I thought of that today while you were gone, it’s been on my mind all day. So much so in fact that the aching between my legs started up again, and unable to wait until you got home, I went to our special box, drew out two of my favourites and then lay on the bed and made fervent love to my own body until I climaxed again. Your reaction when I tell you I’ve masturbated is changeable. Sometimes it turns you on, and other times you become anxious that I am pleasuring myself because you may not be pleasuring me completely. But today my darling, you can sleep soundly in the knowledge that my need for self indulgence is a result of the ecstasy your love making brings, and the thoughts it leaves behind.

Annoyed!

I’m feeling annoyed! That’s the only word I can think of to describe the niggling in my head. It began last night for no proper reason at all really, DL and I had returned home after going for a meal with a lesbian group we’ve discovered, which went really well considering we were both slightly terrified about walking in to a restaurant and sitting down at a table of people we’d never met before. I was reading more of Tipping the Velvet to her as we lay together in bed, and after a while I heard her breathing change. I asked her if she was asleep and she murmured that she’d been dozing. That’s when it started, I just wanted to say, “If you’ve been dozing and not paying attention for however long why didn’t you stop me?” I’ve no idea why I was so vexed, she’d been up since six and was bound to be tired by ten, it was quite irrational but I couldn’t stop myself from sounding pissed off. So I put the book down and went to fetch one I’d been reading alone, the new Sarah Waters novel The Night Watch. So I started reading that to let DL sleep, and then she started talking to me, so I kept stopping and starting reading in order to talk to her, and after about half an hour she asked if I was horny. When I replied a little, she tried to turn me on, but that made me even more annoyed because I knew she was only doing it to please me, and that really she wanted to go to sleep, not make love, and I didn’t want it to be like that, so after asking her to stop repeatedly I finally snapped at her and pushed her away. She didn’t understand why I was so pissed off, and to be honest I wasn’t really in the mood to explain. I just told her to go to sleep, and we fell in to angry silence and ended up going to sleep upset with each other for really stupid reasons.

I think it was more my fault than hers, because I feel the same this morning. I’m not annoyed at her anymore, when she got up for work I made an effort to wake up and gave her a cuddle and apologised before she left. But now I’m pissed off with everything else. Mainly the flat. Since having the dog, it’s not been properly clean, and I’m getting so frustrated with it. As soon as I’ve hoovered there are dog hairs on the floor. The rug in the living room and the bedroom carpets, both being thick, have hairs stuck in them, and I really have to go at them to even get the surface ones off. The dog’s hair is very short with her being a labradoor, so they’re the type that get stuck and won’t come out, like pine needles off a Christmas tree. And it’s driving me mad! I just want clean floors and carpets, and it seems to be impossible unless I spend at least an hour working on the carpets every day. I know it’s not the dog’s fault, and that’s a small negative in comparison to the positive aspects of having her, but right now I just feel like I want to go away somewhere while some one scrubs the place with bleach from top to bottom and have it stay like that for a few days at least. The thought has crossed my mind of having some one come in once a week to really go over the carpets and do the hair that I’ve missed, but we can’t realistically afford that. Oh and on top of that my dad’s coming today with Beby Hound to see how the two dogs get along, as we’re looking after BH in a couple of weeks when dad goes on holiday, so that’ll be twice the amount of cleaning!

Ignore me, I know I’m just moaning for nothing, I just needed a place to vent. I think the reason for my hypersensitivity is that I’m due on my period any day now, so that kind of justifies why I feel like stabbing someone! And if my dad dares pass comment on how the place is looking, he might be the one that gets it!

A break at last!

This past week or so has been wonderfully relaxing. I honestly feel, what with the trip to Africa and then the guide dog training that I haven’t had a proper break since finishing uni, and it’s about to start again in a couple of weeks. But since qualifying with Una last Wednesday, woohoo, I’ve actually had time to relax and potter around a bit.

On Sunday DL returned from a week away in Dorset with her family, for the first half of which Baby G came to stay. It was so lovely spending some quality time with her, it’s something we’ve not done for ages, because when I’m in London I’m usually here there and everywhere and don’t really get time to have a propper catch up without either having to be somewhere or other people being there as well. But from the Friday until last Wednesday it was just the two, or should I say the three of us including Una. We cooked together, chatted for hours, went for a meal with Sarah and Mat on the Saturday night, and spent all of Monday afternoon with them in the pub. On Tuesday my mum arrived with my step sister to stay for the night before we drove back to her house, and we went out for something to eat and then in the morning the three of them stayed here while I went on my qualifying walk with the dog.

I was absolutely over the moon when they told me I’d passed, because I was so nervous I didn’t think I had. Qualifying means that I’m now allowed to work her on my own, I have the harness and a certificate and everything! It’s great! And I can now start to learn new routes with her as well. On Wednesday afternoon I said goodbye to Baby G, and then we all set off in the car for the two hour drive to mum’s. I was a bit concerned about how the dog would react to going somewhere else so soon after getting settled in here, and for the first day or so she was very clingy, but after that she was fine.

On Wendesday night I went out for a meal with Dad, and on Thursday I spent time catching up with family. On Friday morning I met up with Pam for coffee, and then in the afternoon went shopping with Hai Man, to see her for the last time before she goes on her year abroad. I arrived back on Saturday and DL got home late Sunday afternoon. I’d really missed her, and I think the time apart did us the world of good, it’s a joy to be around each other at the moment, especially because she’s started a job at a new school and so is at work all day. We’ve also had both emotionally and physically mind blowing sex since she got back, so I’m smiling! I’ve also thought of the perfect birthday present for her, but I’ll have to reveal all after the event I’m afraid.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with Kim, and further plans for this week include meeting up with Sarah either this afternoon or in the morning, shopping for shoes, a meal out with a lesbian group we’ve discovered which we’re both quite nervous about, a visit from my dad and Albert, trying to get through as much of Middlemarch as is possible without being bored to death, and meeting up for a drink with Helen.

Family Values

This week DL has been away to Dorset on holiday with her family. I’ll write more about that in another post, but first I want to write about a conversation we had late Thursday night.

We got in to a really deep discussion purely by accident, after DL mentioned that her dad had made some derogatory comment about a lesbian on the TV. DL is not out to any of her family except for her mother, and we started to discuss how to go about telling the rest of them. Basically she’s afraid of their reactions as a lot of them are older and have very closed minds when it comes to homosexuality. Now so far the plan is to spend this coming xmas at DL’s parents’ house, and I thought the plan was to tell them before then, otherwise people will naturally ask why I’m there rather than at my own parents’ house. But now it’s coming to the crunch, DL is terrified and doesn’t know how to tell them.

Her main fear is that it’ll get back to her nan, who is 86 years old, and who she’s certain will have a heart attack if she finds out we’re a couple. The conversation got more heated than I meant it too, because I find it frustrating that we have to hide our relationship. She mentioned that her cousin who is in his thirties wanted to come visit, and I asked whether we would have to pretend to be just friends or if she was going to tell him. When she said she had no plans to tell him, I got really angry and upset to be honest, because that’ll more than likely mean he’ll insist on having the couch, and I’ll be relegated to the spare room, having no excuse to share with DL, something which I refuse to do in my own home. I totally understand why she’s frightened of telling the family, but part of me is also hurt that she won’t acknowledge our relationship after two years of us being together. I also posed the question that what if her plan to propose to me had worked last month and we’d gotten engaged, what would she have told her family then when she went back to visit and everyone saw the ring? Surely “HMF and I are a couple and by the way we’re engaged, wanna come to the wedding?” would be much more of a shock to them than them just finding out we’re together? Or maybe she meant us to take the rings off when we went to visit, something which I also refuse to do. I might sound unreasonable, but I’m so proud of who we are both as lesbians and as a couple, that I’ll only hide it if I think it’s crucial, like in front of her nan for example, not in front of the whole family, especially if we were engaged. So the end result was that I told her not to even think of asking me to marry her until she’s told the family, that way everything can be out in the open. I also said that she could invite whoever she wants to the house, but when we’re in our own home as far as I’m concerned I’m not hiding the fact that we’re together. There are pictures of us all over the flat for Christ sake, it’s pretty obvious anyway I would say. So now she has however long she needs, but I get the feeling we won’t be getting engaged for a very long time now.

Another thing is that her mum is no help at all. She insists she's perfectly fine with us being together and all, but when DL talks about telling her dad and possibly the rest of the family, her mother's response is, "why do they need to know, it's none of their business?" That's all well and good, but what about when we get married, what if we have kids? They're going to have to know sooner or later, and we both get the impression that her mum pretends to be more comfortable with our relationship than she actually is, and that's why she doesn't want the rest of them to find out. It's all so complicated, and I feel like I'm not being fair because I've been out to my family for years, I guess I forget how hard it was when i did it and I'm perhaps too hard on DL for that reason. I'm also dreading xmas if we have to pretend to be just friends in front of the family. It's not just the more openly affectionate things that bother me, and if you're in a closetted relationship, you'll know it's the little things, the touch of a hand, the looks, constantly thinking about your body language and how you talk to your partner. I just feel like whenever her family are around I'm putting on an act, not being who I really am, curbing the part of me that is madly in love with my beautiful partner, and it's eating away at me. I know it must be a million times worse for DL, but I just don't know how long this facade will have to go on for before it's out in the open, and I think the longer she leaves it, the harder it'll be. What are your views on the matter, do you think I’m being unreasonable in wanting some acknowledgement as her partner after two years of living together? Or do you think I should just put my feelings aside and be patient? Right now I feel torn between the two.

My Nan

It’s funny how certain events or conversations can conjure up all sorts of memories about people we care about who have passed away. It all started just before I went to Africa, when my mother gave me my Nan’s ring to wear, because she said my Nan would watch over me and keep me safe. My mum’s not at all a spiritual person in the religious sense, and if you asked her I don’t think she could explain to you what her true beliefs are, but one thing she is sure of is that people who have passed over to the other side become some one’s guardian, and watch over and protect the living as best they can. For her it’s my granddad who does this, and for me it’s my Nan. I too am sure of this, and even before I started wearing the ring, I have always felt my Nan’s presence close to me ever since she died.

My Nan was born in 1920 to a very poor family from the potteries, the place where me myself was born. She married my granddad fairly young, he was seven years older than she, and if my maths is correct she had her first of ten children when she was 26. I’m not sure what she did as a job if she ever worked at all, my graddad did something in the army, but unfortunately they both died when I was too young to take an interest in family history. My mum was the youngest of all her children, and I suspect her favourite in her own way. My Nan wasn’t a very affectionate person with words, she was one of those people who expected you to automatically know she cared about you without her saying so, but it showed in the things she did. Both she and my granddad doted on me as a child, and were very protective because I was blind. I used to go to their house all the time after school until my mum finished work, and my Nan would always have a packet of salt and vinegar crisps and some peanuts ready because she knew they were my favourite snacks to eat. She spoiled me rotten! I used to drive her mad I’m sure, I was a very noisy child, always bouncing around and singing and generally being very loud. I used to stand with her in the kitchen when she was preparing the dinner, and when she’d peeled the potatoes I used to role them noisily along the draining board by the sink because it sounded to me like trains on a track. I would also rifle through her jewellery box, ask her if I could call my friends on her phone, and pretend her walking stick was a broom stick and that I could fly on it. One thing I miss about my Nan was her cooking. She made the best chips in the world, and I haven’t tasted ones like it ever since, and doubt I ever will. She always had the kitchen door open, and when you walked up the street towards the house, you could catch the smell on the wind, and it used to make my mouth water. I think the reason I like chips so much as an adult is because they hold so much nostalgia for me more than anything else. My mum and I would walk in the house and my mum would always say, “don’t give her any chips, she hasn’t had her tea yet,” and then when she went through to say hello to granddad, my Nan would always whip some from the frying pan, wrap them in a piece of kitchen role and sprinkle them with salt and vinegar. My mum would always scold us both on her return, but it was always worth it.

I was also very close to my Nan, I told her everything that was going on at school, and in my home life which was often rocky as my mum and step dad faught a lot of the time. When I was ill it was always my Nan who would look after me if my mum had to work, and we used to walk to the local shop, me holding on to the side of her shopping trolley, and she would stop and talk to everyone, always telling them that I was her grand daughter and how wonderful I was. Towards the end of my granddad’s life he was very ill, and although she often complained about having to take care of him there was never a couple who loved each other more, and even when my mum had grown up she said she would go visit and walk in on them cuddling or catch him stroking her arse or something like that. My granddad spent a lot of time in hospital, and towards the very end was moved back home to die in peace. I was six at the time of his death, it was a Saturday night around Easter time, and we were just on the way out when we got a call from my Nan saying that she couldn’t get any response from my granddad. Both my mum and I went round there, to the consternation of my step dad who thought I shouldn’t go, but I was adamant that I wanted to be there. When we arrived, we found that he was dead in his bed in the living room, and the only thing I remember about the following few hours was my Nan hugging me while we both cried.

So my Nan spent the next three years living with the one son who hadn’t married or left home, and I spent a lot of time there, talking to her, playing games with her and just spending quality time. I guess at that age, even with the passing of my graddad, I thought she’d live forever. She actually deteriorated very quickly, which in one way was a blessing, but ironically it was me who noticed that something wasn’t right. I came home from school one day to find that she wasn’t walking very well, that she was slurring her words, and that she couldn’t really form a proper conversation. She also smelled like she hadn’t made it to the toilet in time, but being a nine year old, I didn’t really know what to do. She was a diabetic, and somehow, I can’t remember if she told me or if I guessed, but I knew that her sugar level was low and this was one of the reasons for her state. I made her a cup of tea with lots of sugar, and when she drank it she still wasn’t any better. Now my Nan was one of those people who would not go to the doctor for anything, and I knew that if I’d suggested phoning the doctor she would have been adamant that I shouldn’t. So I went in to the kitchen on the preteens of getting a drink, and called the doctors surgery. They were closed, and I was given another number which I then called, I was put through to a doctor who seemed amazed that he was speaking to a nine year old, and was asked to explain my Nan’s symptoms. I don’t really remember what I said to him, I just remember that my Nan kept calling to see where I was, and that I told the doctor she wouldn’t want me to call. Within the hour the doctor had arrived, and my Nan was furious that he had come. He examined her, and called the rest of the family woo all arrived, and insisted that she go in to hospital. I don’t remember what exactly was wrong with her, I just know that she went in and never came out.

That was a Friday night, and on the Sunday she had a heart attack which she survived. She was then moved to the cardiology department where her heart was monitored, and about a week and a half later she had a stroke, which she again survived. By then her speech was slurred, she was paralysed down one side, and she couldn’t swallow and so had to be fed intravenously. Death was all around me at that point in my life, I remember on one visit to the hospital the woman in the next bed passed away, and I sat and listened while the doctors tried to resuscitate her to no avail. Soon after that my Nan slipped in to a coma and remained like this for I think another week or so.

We spent all our free time at the hospital then, I remember talking to her, and when her fingers swelled the nurse’s took off her wedding ring and the ring I now wear. She must have been aware to some extent and there was evidently still some brain activity going on, because when they took off the rings she twisted her face and made a groaning noise, like she really didn’t want that to happen. The family was told to expect her death at literally any minute, and I believe they took turns staying with her through the night. To my best recollection it was a Sunday that she died. I was at the hospital, down the corridor with my mum and step dad getting a drink, and my uncle came running and said that she was going. We all ran back to her bedside, and we all lined up to kiss her goodbye as she died. After I’d kissed her, she made this rasping noise, which sounded a bit like she was choking, and then she was gone. I just remember sitting on a chair by her bed, and leant against her still body, buried my face in the cover and cried. Looking back I guess that I was so young to experience something like that, and I mourned her for a long time afterwards. That was also the time I knew I really didn’t believe in God, because I had made a bargain with him a few weeks before, that I would be good forever if he kept her alive, and I just remember being so angry with God and preying to him prayers of anger, saying how much I hated him and that I would never be his friend ever again for taking my Nan away.

Like I said before, ever since she died I have always felt her with me, watching over me, although I never even owned anything that belonged to her. All her things went to her children, my mum, aunts and uncles, and I clung desperately on to my memories of her. I often think about her, and try to tell my younger cousins what she was like, and I often wonder what she would have thought of me if she’d still been around. Would she be proud of what I’ve accomplished? How would she react to my lesbianism? Would she have liked my partner and my home? All these questions I know will never be answered, but now that I have it I often touch the ring and try to reach her in my mind. I know she’s there watching over me, I can truly feel it, and I feel such a strong love for her, and if there is such a thing as a place where we all meet after we’ve left this world I will run to her with open arms, a child once again.

I wanted to share these memories with you because she’s been on my mind lately, and I’ve even dreamed about her which I’ve not done in years.
I love you Nan!