Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Here in Limbo

I'm stil here.
Just about.
She was away last week, now she's back.
That week I cried everyday. I struggled to go in to uni, but I did go. My mum visited for her birthday and I kept it together, i think that was when I stopped crying.
I haven't cried since.
I just feel... How do I feel? I don't know.
She's back now. She came back on Friday.
We made love.
I know that was bad, I know we shouldn't have done, and maybe we, I, did so for the wrong reasons. But on Friday night we spent the night together, and right then, right there, it was what we both needed to do.
We haven't slept together since.
I'm back in the spare room again.
On Saturday we went to York to the arts festival. We had a great day, and the same on Sunday when we went shopping.
But everything is weird between us.
We don't know how to be around each other. We've never been just friends, and so sometimes we hug and laugh and seem to be close, other times we are distant and there's a barrier, a wall between us, a wall of uncertainty.
Every night we reluctantly part and go to our separate beds.
But it's like she said, she wants it to be her I miss, not just a body in my bed.
She's so determined that we'll give it another go, one last chance. I don't know how I feel about it.
I feel like I need to escape from inside my own head.
I'm not sleeping propperly. I'm missing morning lectures because I can't sleep at night, and then when I do fall asleep I over sleep.
I'm tired. So very tired.
Next week I'm going to London to see Baby G. Maybe that'll help.
Then it's decision time.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Filling in the gaps

I’m writing this mainly because the thought of going to bed and trying to get to sleep is not a nice one right now. My brain needs to be active, because when I sit or lie around not doing much I have too much time to think.

I read back through some blog posts and realised just how little I’ve been actually saying over these past few weeks. That’s mainly, like I said before because I didn’t and still don’t know how to. Last Wednesday night I made the decision to end my relationship with DL. Things haven’t been good between us for a long time and I don’t see them getting any better, we’re just making each other miserable and that’s not the way it’s supposed to be. So all through choir I was dreading going back home. We hardly spoke in the car, and then she went straight to bed. I tried and failed to eat my dinner through knots in my stomach and tears running down my cheeks. Then I cried quietly but hysterically on the phone to a friend, and afterwards sat down and composed a letter to DL. My plan was to take the easy way out and leave while she was at work that coming Friday and escape to my mum’s house for the weekend. It didn’t quite work out like that though. I was dreading going to bed, because I knew that if I slept in the spare room she’d wake up and come and find me, and I didn’t particularly want to sleep next to her either, pretending everything was fine. But when I got in to bed thinking she was asleep and didn’t cuddle her, she asked what was wrong and wouldn’t let up until I told her the truth. It was truly horrible. I’m not proud of myself and it tore me apart to witness the hurt I caused her. She was frantic, crying hysterically and imploring me to change my mind. We moved to the living room and she cried and paced while I sat feeling numb and miserable, trying to tell her it was too late to go back. She refused to accept it, begging me not to do it, saying that she knew I still loved her and that we could work it out. We went on like this for some time, she said she couldn’t live without me and that nothing mattered if we weren’t together, me trying to convince her otherwise. It was awful, one minute she was broken, the next she would be angry, asking me how I could do this to her and so on. In the end, she calmed down a little and asked if we could just take a break, to see how things went before I made my decision, and that’s where we’re at right now. That night we went to bed together and just held each other, both too upset to say much, and the following day I moved in to the spare room. She’s now arranged to see a therapist to try and deal with some of her issues, a lot of which have a negative impact on the relationship. We’re spending a month apart, the first week physically as she’s gone to stay with her parents, and I’ll stay in the spare room after that and we’ll try and live as friends while we both work out our issues, then we’ll decide what to do.

I’m not sure how I feel right now if I’m honest, or what I want to do. Part of me feels that now we’ve come this far there’s no going back. We, I, said too much and I don’t know if the relationship is salvageable. I’m questioning everything at the moment, whether I still love her, whether I want to go back, whether I can be without her, whether I want to be single again, whether it’s worth fighting for…

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions right now. I spent the first two days crying, now I feel terribly sad, but numb. I’m here alone and I don’t mind it really, it’s just the nights that are the worsed. Going to bed and trying to sleep. More than anything right now I just want to be held, not quick hugs, but some one to stay with me and just hold me and let me cry and let everything go, just lie with me all night and for that to be ok. I haven’t told many people what’s going on, but those I have told are being really supportive, but that’s not something you can ask of your friends really. I don’t know how I’m going to go through this week concentrating on work and going to lectures. I just want to shut the world out and lose myself in books or music. I’ve also had a permenant hang over for the past three days and will have to start eating more and drinking less. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk about it really, but at the same time I need support. I feel so torn, like I’m being wripped in half, one part saying one thing, the other the exact opposite.
I just hurt. That’s all I can say right now.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

mind numbing stuff

I can't bring myself to compose a post about what's going on in my life right now, partly because I don't know what's happening to a large extent, or what is likely to happen within the next few weeks. It's all up in the air, and it's just too raw and painful to go in to. Hopefully, when things settle down I'll be able to fill you in, but in the mean time I stole this from Sappherine's blog:

1. Dated outside your race? Yes.
2. Singing in the shower? All the time, I have a shower radio so I always listen to music in there and sing along.
3. Spit in someone's drink? Nope. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to...
4. Played with Barbies? No.
5. Made someone cry? Yes.
6. Opened your Christmas presents early? Possibly...
7. Lied to a friend? Yes.
8. Watched and cried while watching a soap opera? No.
9. Played a computer game for more than 5 hours? I don't play computer games.
10. Ran through the sprinklers naked? No.
11. Ate food that fell on the floor? No! When I was about five i had a friend who always did it and I thought it was disgusting!
12. Went outside naked? Haha yes!
13. Been on stage? Yes.
14. Been on stage naked or close to it? No.
15. Been in a parade? No.
16. Been in a school play? No.
17. Drank beer? No it's gross.
18. Gotten detention? Yes, once.
19. Been on a cruise? No.
20. Broken into a house? No.
21. Gotten a tattoo? No, i'm too much of a wuss.
22. Gotten piercings? Yes; ears and naval.
23. Gotten into a fist fight? No.
24. Gotten into a shouting match? Loads, mainly with my mother.
25. Swallowed sea/pool water? Yes.
26. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose? Lol yes.
27. Laughed so hard it hurt? Yes, that's the best kind of laughter.
28. Tripped on your own feet? Yes, all the time!
29. Cried yourself to sleep? Yes.
30. Cried in public? Yes. I seem to cry when I'm not supposed to and don't cry when it would seem natural to do so.
31. Thrown up in public? Public bathrooms yes.
32. Lied to your parents? Who hasn't?
33. Skipped class? Yes.
34. Cried so hard you threw up? No, that doesn't usually happen to me, the sickness thing with the crying.
35. Had a one night stand? Yes.
36. Left restaurant without paying tab? Hell no!
37. Been fired from a job? No, I've never had ajob. I've never left academia.
38. Wanted to make out with your massage therapist, therapist or hairdresser? Yes, but that was only because I had a masseur for a while who I was actually sleeping with. I didn't pay her for that though, lol.
39. Had a drink "sent" to a stranger at a bar? No, I think that's sleezy.
40. Been winked at and loved it? Hell yes!

That's all for now.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

fat bottomed girls

i have a fat arse. I've just noticed. I don't like it. Not one little bit. DL says it's sexy. I think it's just... Big! Usually my weight goes on my stomach. This time it's my arse. Bye bye ben and jerry's, so long chocolate bars, ciao crisps. Yeah right, who am I kidding. I should just learn to love my body and embrace my curvatiousness. But how, that's the question? It's strange because I love valuptuouss, curvatious women with big breasts and behinds, I just don't like it on myself, which poses a problem because I happen to love food. Cooking it, eating it, and the richer the better. I'm miserable when I go on a healthy eating, smaller portions diet. If I'm honest it's just not me. So I either have to change my eating habits and learn to live with it, or accept the fact that I'll never be as slim as I'd like to be and live with that. Damn my family's genetic tendencies to put on a stone if you just happen to look too long at a chocolate chip muffin.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Work and Play

I’ve been doing a lot of both in the past week, but I get the feeling that after going out tonight, it’ll be all work and no play over the weekend.

Monday was a bit of a weird day all in all. In one respect I felt like I could do anything, in another very insecure about my ability to perform, and no, for once I’m not talking sexually. For the first time since starting the creative writing module this semester, I suddenly found myself sitting around a table with about ten other people, feeling very self conscious about my work. I was one of the last to read mine out this week, and while everyone else was reading all I could think was how poor my quality of writing is compared to theirs. I’m sure everyone must feel like that to some extent, but it’s the first time it’s really hit me, and the first time I felt reluctant when asked to read my stuff out loud. I’m trying to do as much writing as possible, but at the moment it’s coming in little bursts that don’t usually last more than half an hour before I hit a wall, and I’ve also realised I find it difficult to construct characters that aren’t at all like myself. I really need to learn to distance myself from the characters and stories I write, and try to put as little of me in there as possible, or else they’ll start to get samey. I’m kind of regretting taking the module in a way, because it doesn’t hold the safety of writing two literary essays like the other modules do, this is all about my work, how imaginative and constructive I can be with my own writing, and I’m shit scared I won’t be able to perform to a high enough standard to get decent marks. So I’m now slightly regretting taking the option that isn’t so comfortable, but I’m hoping that in the long run I’ll gain useful insight in to how to improve my work.

The positive feelings I had on Monday concerned the possibility of a job starting next September. It’s the fast streme for graduates scheme with the civil service, and you can work in all sorts of different departments. The application process is very complicated, you have to take a series of online tests, and then go to a centre to be assessed before you’re even considered for an interview. In some cases, like with the diplomatic service which I’m most interested in, the successful candidates are then chosen by a board of people, so the chances of actually getting the job are quite slim I would say unless you’re super good. But in any case I’ve started the application process, and fingers crossed I’ll get somewhere. If I do get a job it’ll mean moving to London, but we wanted to do that anyway, it’ll just be sooner rather than later.

I caught DL’s cold on Tuesday, and so missed a lecture on Wednesday because I felt crappy, and just pottered about all day before going to choir in the evening, which I’m still really enjoying. I plan to spend today working as much as possible, and tonight a group of us are going to Fuel, the main gay club in town. Tomorrow night I’m working the night shift, so I’ll be sleeping some of Sunday away and then finishing off work in time for next week. I’m going to make the most of having time alone with DL, because next weekend we’re going to my mum’s as it’s her birthday, and then the following week is half term, so DL has the week off work and her mum and cousin are coming to stay. I’m not looking forward to having her cousin here to be honest, because the dog has taken a dislike to him and he tries to wind her up as much as possible without anyone noticing, so I’ll have to keep an eye on them both. To be honest a good bite on the ass is what he needs, but it can’t come from my lil pooch or she’ll have to retire and then I would have to murder some one.
Right, back to work…

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Two years!

Last weekend DL and I celebrated our two year anniversary in style at a nearby hotel. She wrote about it so beautifully in her blog I’m not even going to attempt to put it any other way. Go here to find out:

Not much else is new, except to say that I’m feeling a million times better emotionally. This weekend did me the world of good, it pulled the plug and flooded my veins with proper feelings again. Life is truly great for the first time in ages, because we’ve reconnected whatever was broken between us. On Saturday night I slept properly for the first time in as long as I can remember, and the night’s since have been blissful. No bad dreams, no waking in the night for no reason, just quality, dreamless sleep. I think that says it all. Thank you for being so patient my love, we grow stronger with every passing day.