Monday, December 03, 2007

Time to say goodbye

This morning I sent two emails. One to DL, the other to her mother. I can't do it anymore, be friends with her that is. I've tried, God knows I've tried over this past year to make the friendship work, but I can't do it anymore. I've been continually threatened with DL taking her own life, she's had illnesses that I'm not sure are true or whether she just says things to get my atention, such as she having a lump in her breast in January that she wouldn't let me see and that mysteriously vanished, and a pain in her liver that she says is a result of taking a handfull of paracetamil a while back. This mornigng after a horrible argument we had last night she texted me saying that she couldn't feel her arms and legs propperly when she woke up and is going to the doctors and that she's scared, but to be honest I don't really believe her.

I don't want to go in to how she has been over the past few months, but unless I was doing everything she wished, spending lots of time with her, basically being emotionally controled because of her continuous threat of suicide, she's not been happy. The moment I distance myself, or appear to be getting on fine without her she turns in to this person, who to be quite honest I don't know anymore and don't really want to know. She's put up half naked photos of me on facebook that I have had to remove due to people pointing them out, she obsesses over who I'm seeing and talks about doing horrible things to the women in my life, she practically ruined my graduation day because she caused a scene in front of my whole family, and yesterday she tried to destroy the plant Spanish Girl gave me by covering it in bleach. Her behaviour is beyond acceptable and has been for some time, and I've tried to manage it as best I could. But I no longer believe that she is scared of losing my friendship as she claims to be, or that she cares for me, because her actions and words are not those of some one who wants me to be happy. I think I've become an obsession to her, she can't have me, she knows that, so she tries to control as much of my emotions as possible to give her something to hang on to. Yesterday, after the plant incident, I was so angry I can't tell you, and if Baby G hadn't been at my house and we hadn't been going to the Maroon 5 concert, I would have thrown her out and told her never to come back. I can honestly say now that I believe she has no regard for anyone else's feelings other than her own, and she needs help beyond anything I can give. So like I said I sent two emails this morning, one to her saying that I was breaking contact and that we wouldn't speak for a long long time, if we could ever be friends at all, and I also sent one to her mother explaining the situation, that she has talked about taking her own life and asking her to keep an eye on her. I know DL hasn't read the email yet as she'll still be at work, but when she does I expect a barrage of calls and texts and I know she'll go through all the stages of begging, crying, abusive talk and anger. I just hope she finds it within herself to move on with her life and leave me alone, instead of the more dangerous scenarios such as taking her own life, or hounding me and my friends and family which we've all agreed is a possibility considering her increasingly concerning behaviour. I know I sound cold writing this, but writing those emails this morning tears were streaming down my face and the truth is that I am terrified she'll do something stupid. I just can't see any other way of handling this, I've tried everything else. It's time to say goodbye to her and let her get on with her own life, because being around me is killing her anyway, that much is evident. I just hope she'll be ok and find happiness somewhere. We've cut contact before for a few weeks at a time, but this time is definite and I won't be contacting her for a long time, if at all. It's time to put this one to bed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I've probably said this before, but I think you're perfectly justified in washing your hands of this situation. Emotional blackmail is just not something adult friends and people who truly care about you do. To be honest it's probably kinder to anyone who does such things to wean them off it by breaking contact. You're perfectly right to break up with someone who makes you unhappy or unsafe, and a rational decision like that doesn't justify plain malicious behaviour like the plant and photos things. I think you've given her plenty of opportunities - more than most people would give - to change her act by continuing to try to be friends, so I think the only thing you -can- do, for your sake and theirs, if someone continues to abuse your friendship is cut them off.

Well, there's -me- being a cold fucker. I appreciate it must be really tough for you given the emotional history you guys have, but (breaking out another cliche) my philosophy is that these things tend to be for the best, as much as they never seem that way at the time. It can take a long time for the positive effects to start appearing, but they'll crop up sooner or later for both of you. And hey, you've got a good network of friends if you ever need to vent or want a shoulder to cry on.

Which reminds me - when are you up for meeting in London? Did you get my e-mail about when I'll be home?