Saturday, March 31, 2007


You never really know what people are thinking…

I can’t find the words to describe how I feel at the moment, angry, hurt, upset, mortified?...

I met Casual Lover at a club back in late January. We hit it off straight away and started seeing each other on a casual, no strings basis and have been doing so for the past couple of months. At one point she was texting me all the time wanting to come over and for just over a week or so in February we saw each other practically every night. Things cooled off slightly as I was busy and she was too, but we always kept in touch by text and met up once every couple of weeks. Most of the time it was she who would text me, and in the week before I went away she texted me everyday asking when she could see me and saying that she didn’t want me to go away without us meeting up first. So on the day before I left for the US I found a couple of hours to go and see her. She was really glad to see me, we had great sex as usual and arranged to spend the night together on the 30th, which was last night. So when I got back I texted her to let her know and she sent one back saying she’d missed me, or more to the point the great sex and that she was still coming over on Friday.

So last night she appeared at around eight thirty, I dressed sexily and we sat and watched part of a film before she said she really wanted to take me to bed. So we went to bed and slept together which didn’t go as well as planned because half way through she slipped and cut me with her fingernail and after that was too self conscious to carry on touching me. So I had her and my pleasure was in making her come and we fell asleep exhausted at around one.

This morning when I woke up she was already awake and after a short time of us lying and talking she said she had to go fairly soon as she had friends coming to visit today and she had to get her house clean and tidy. I offered her breakfast which she declined, then she got up and dressed and left fairly soon after that. I said I’d text her to meet up again when I got back from London and she said that was fine.

Five minutes after she left, I received a text message that read, “I’ve escaped! Waiting for a bus! My Lord I couldn’t get out quick enough! See you in a bit, X”.
Horrified I checked the date and time of the message and reread it several times before texting her back saying that that message obviously wasn’t meant for me to read. She then sent one back saying, “I’m sorry you found out this way, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing what we did. The thing is I’ve met some one I like. Needed to get out of yours this morning because it didn’t feel right.”
Right, well that’s all well and good, but what a horrible thing to do to let me find out like that. It doesn’t bother me that I won’t see her again, what does is that she chose to be dishonest about the way she was feeling. She came over last night and instigated sex, which she didn’t have to do. She spent the night in my bed and then talks about me in this way to whoever she was texting? My God! Why couldn’t she have just been honest and A not come over last night or B come over and not stayed the night and explained she’d met some one else, or even C just sent me a text saying she couldn’t see me anymore! It was an absolutely horrible way to find out how she felt, and I can’t tell you how upset I was to know that we’d built up at least some of a connection over the past few months, and that we’d spent last night together and that she could be so disrespectful. I feel stupid, like a fool and right now I never want to have casual sex ever again. I can’t believe the immaturity, she could have handled it so differently, there was no need for me to get hurt.

After that I sent her a message back saying, “You didn’t have to stay over last night. You could have been honest about it, how do you think that knowing you hated being with me last night makes me feel? Fuck you!”
She replied saying that she came because she wasn’t sure that she could keep the arrangement and that she didn’t hate it. I said that the decision had been made and that I never wanted to see her again and that I couldn’t believe something so good had ended so badly. Her reply was, “Yeah the decision was made the same by me. I am truly sorry but I never said I was a nice person, you won’t hear from me again. Hope all works out for you.”
She has a tattoo on her hip saying, “What goes around comes around.” I sincerely hope it does…

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Jet Lag!

Shit! I am seriously jet lagged, it’s almost one in the morning and I feel like it’s the middle of the afternoon. Fuck!

The last three days in New Orleans sped by. On Saturday we went to the mall in the morning and then to the French Quarter again in the afternoon where I bought some bits to take back home. Then in the evening we went on the dinner cruise that Kerry had booked for us a few weeks previously. The food was delicious, seasoned chicken with garlic potatoes and southern style spinach, with bread pudding for dessert. After we ate dinner we headed out on deck and listened to the jazz band play while the river crept by beneath us and it was really lovely apart from it being slightly too cold to stand still for long. We wondered around, looked in the gift shop and then went to sit out again so that Kerry could view the New Orleans skyline as we headed back up river. It was around ten when the cruise ended and we headed back to the hotel and chatted for ages before going to bed. We talked a little about past relationships, and our discovery of our feelings for women, it was definitely good to get to know Kerry a little better.

On Sunday morning we headed to Kerry’s house and I met her two lovely pooches, Iris and Nelly who immediately took a liking to me. Then we headed out to Mississippi to go to the beach. It was a marvellous day, brilliant sunshine and it was really warm, and as soon as we were within throwing distance of the water I wanted to get in. It took a little coaxing for Kerry to actually get her whole body in to the ocean as she thought the water a little cold, and we swam around and flicked water at each other and luxuriated in the calm waters of the bay. After that we lay on towels to dry and then headed back at around four as we were going out with Kerry’s parents for dinner that evening. Her family are lovely people, her brother is very sweet and her parents really interesting and good conversation. We went to a seafood restaurant and I had, yes you guessed it, fried shrimp, my favourite, and when dinner was over Kerry and I headed to Bourbon street which is where most of New Orleans night life is situated. We went to a gay bar which proved interesting, being more male oriented than female, and then I sampled a hurricane drink which was delicious.

On Monday we rose a little later than usual and then headed out to Oak Ally, a sugarcane plantation about forty five minutes drive away. We were given a guided tour of the beautiful old house with some history on the plantation, and on the way home we stopped to get a McDonalds ice-cream Sunday. I’m making a point of telling you this because they stopped selling them in the UK about ten years ago and I used to be crazy about the caramel ones. So when I discovered through Kerry that they still sold them in the US, well of course I had to have one. It was divine! In the evening we headed to a lovely Italian restaurant and then stopped at the store where Kerry bought me a huge fluffy pink Easter bunny, so cute!

So yesterday morning we were up and making sure that everything was packed and arrived at the airport by ten thirty. Kerry was given a special pass to let her through to the gate which was nice and she stayed with me until it was time to get on the plane. We did have a serious moment when she asked me if there was any hope of us having a relationship when she moved to the UK, and I did feel a little awkward because we’ve always been clear about the fun we’ve had being casual. I explained as nicely as I could that I’m really not looking for anything right now and that I just wanted her friendship, and she seemed ok with that, more worried that she’d asked the wrong question than anything, so I hope I’ve not disappointed her or hurt her feelings in any way.

So yes, in total I travelled for more than 24 hours spanning yesterday and today. First I took a flight to Dallas which lasted an hour and a half, then I had a three hour wait to get my connection, then took a nine hour flight to London, which is six hours ahead of New Orleans time. So by the time we touched down at Gatwick it was 8 in the morning and I felt shattered. It took until around nine to get through customs and baggage reclaim, and I was so pleased to see DL still there waiting for me. My phone hadn’t been working properly and I was afraid she’d panic and wonder where I was because it took so long to get through the airport. But she was there and we headed to her car for the drive through London to the train station. I don’t know why but when we were in the car I felt so emotional, it’d been so long since we’d seen each other, and to be honest I’d been feeling a little empty inside lately. But when I saw her there in the airport it was like some one had pulled the plug on all my feelings, and I sat there in the car with my heart full and aching, feeling like some one had punched me in the stomach, and I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I felt so embarrassed and when she asked what was wrong I just said that I was tired and not to worry and she didn’t push it any further. On the way to the station we stopped for some breakfast and spent time chatting, and then I dozed most of the rest of the way there. She kept making me jump by resting her hand on my leg when I was half asleep and I felt bad for being sleepy when it had been two months since we’d seen each other. At the train station we arrived to discover I’d just missed a train home and had to wait an hour for the next one, so we sat in a café and drank strong coffee. By now I was feeling like death warmed up and was longing to lie down somewhere, anywhere to sleep. DL said that she wanted to come home with me and we laughed and I told her she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes with her. We did lots of flirting and she made lots of sexual innuendos, little minx, and we’re meeting up for dinner next week when I’m back in London. When the train was ready to leave we had the biggest hug and she reluctantly pulled away, saying that she didn’t want me to leave. I felt sad too, and am starting to realise how fucked up this situation is. I don’t seem to feel anything anymore unless I’m with her, and when she’s there it’s like I come alive. I keep thinking about the reasons why we separated and know they were valid and genuine, but part of me can’t help wondering what if we gave it another go? Maybe we’d learn from our mistakes and not make them again twice. God it’s so messed up, and I’m well aware that we both need time and space and at least another few months needs to pass before we can even think about reconsidering the relationship stuff. I just don’t know what to do. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I feel safe with her? Yes. Does she make me happy? Hmm, at the moment when we see each other, yes, but not so much when things got bad between us. Do I think it could work again? I really don’t know. The chemistry and electricity is still there between us, I feel like I’m home when she’s close to me, but it was such an incredibly hard decision to make leaving her and it was so painful that I know I need to be 200 per cent sure that I’m doing the right thing if I were to go back to her. And right now I’m not, so I guess that’s that for the time being…

So here I am, in bed wide awake, totally jet lagged, not being able to sleep when I actually have the chance too, a million thoughts running through my head. I finally got home at around six this evening after a two and a half hour train journey, and called the people who were looking after Una straight away so that they could bring her home. I missed my baby girl so much and she went crazy when she saw me, I don’t know who was more pleased, me or the dog. So we’ve spent most of the evening on the sofa together while I’ve caught up on the l-word and tried not to think about everything I have to do within the next few weeks. For a start I have to work my arse off studying, I have three assignments to write, three presentations to prepare, plus a pile of books to read and it’s all due in very, very soon. I’m also in London next week as I mentioned earlier doing some work experience with a grants company which will be interesting but I’ll be very busy I think. On Friday of this week mum is coming over for the day to bring the rest of my things that she took home in her suitcase, and then in the evening Casual Lover is coming over and staying the night. Apparently she’s missed “my good loving” while I’ve been away so I get the feeling I’ll need my energy. Why then do I get the feeling I’ll be awake half the night and asleep most of tomorrow? Damn the time difference between the UK and US, it’s thrown me completely. Anyone want to sing me a lullaby? Lol.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

New Orleans part 1

So, from the freezing temperatures of New York to the humid heat of New Orleans…

I arrived yesterday after two flights that lasted five hours in total. They both past by relatively quickly, the first one because they showed the movie Dream Girls, and the second because I was chatting to the woman next to me for the entire flight. Towards the end however I found myself drifting off and not concentrating on what she was saying, thinking instead about meeting Kerry at the airport and how nervous I was. As one of the cabin crew took me off the plane and in to the airport terminal I was surprised to find Kerry right there waiting, she’d managed to wangle her way through security in order to meet me right at the gate. Not expecting to see her I was a little taken a back and just kind of stood there while she hugged me taking it all in and then felt slightly bad for my delayed reaction. We then headed to baggage reclaim and for a while we both thought my suitcase hadn’t made it on to the connecting flight from Dallas, but thankfully we recovered it at the last minute. We drove straight to the hotel which is beautiful, we have a studio apartment with kitchenette and a large bed and air conditioning thank heavens. We checked in and explored the room and after a while went to a lovely restaurant to eat BBQ food for dinner. I was exhausted from the flying and so we headed straight back to the hotel and to bed. My body clock is still screwed and I ended up being wide awake at four in the morning, but we found a way to pass the time until I could sleep again, which I’ll leave to the imagination.

Today we woke fairly late and Kerry went out to get Beignet’s for breakfast while I dozed in bed. After we ate we dressed and headed down to the French Quarter and spent the rest of the morning wondering around. So far I’ve bought some Tobasco sauce, shrimp Creole mix and Jambalaya mix to take back home to the UK, and a history book on the city of New Orleans along with a jazz cd, and Kerry bought me a Café du Monde mug. This afternoon I met two of Kerry’s friends at their workplace and then we headed back to the hotel for a couple of hours… after which we headed out to meet the Café Q group which is a gay group Kerry is organising. The plan was to go to a jazz club tonight to watch a show and eat dinner, but we ran out of time before the show started and so went there for dinner and plan to go back on Sunday night. I had fried shrimp with rice and broccoli which was delicious, and I’m hoping that I don’t end up with an upset stomach because the last couple of times I’ve eaten seafood I’ve ended up with one. So we returned to the hotel fairly early and got lost in each other for a couple of hours, and now I’m writing this while she’s surfing the net before we go to sleep. I’m so pleased I can get wireless in the hotel because it means I can blog in more detail and not have to try and remember everything I’ve done. I’m having a great time so far, the weather is glorious being in the late 70’s today and I’m enjoying Kerry’s company very much.

Tomorrow we are going to the mall in the morning, back to the French Quarter in the afternoon and then on a dinner cruise in the evening. Sunday we’re heading to the beach at Mississippi and I’m meeting Kerry’s family before heading back to the Jazz club. Ok, I don’t want to be tied up on the net for too long, but I’ll post again soon. And in response to Kristcgs comment about coming to the south west, feel free to invite me and I’ll see what I can do haha, I’ve certainly been bitten by the travel bug and I’m liking the US.

Thursday, March 22, 2007


Oh my God I’m in New York! Well I’m just about to leave it actually but I’ve had the most amazing five days ever here! Sorry I haven’t had the chance to update, one reason was that we couldn’t find a travel adapter plug that went from the UK plug to the US socket until yesterday, and the other reason is that we’ve been out all day every day and only returned to the hotel to collapse exhausted in to bed last thing at night. I’ve had such a good time, it’s been really incredible, and I’ll try and remember in what order we did things so that I can post accurately.

Saturday we spent the entire day travelling. We were lucky to get our flight because the ones before ours were cancelled due to heavy snow in NY. But we made it, and landed in temperatures only slightly above 0, and snow! We took a cab to the hotel and arrived at around ten at night, although we were really tired because of the four hour time difference. The hotel was great, I can’t praise it enough for the money we paid, it was cheap, warm, clean and the staff were really friendly, plus we were in the perfect location to look around. We stayed in Greenwich Village, which was wonderful because it was downtown enough to be out of the madness, yet close enough to central Manhatton just to take the subway in to the hustle and bustle and the absolute craziness that is New York. On Sunday we got up and wondered around Times Square before catching the boat to Statton Island, where we did some more wondering around and had lunch in a lovely little diner with a very cute waitress. I can’t remember what we did in the evening, it feels like so long ago and we’ve done so much while we’ve been here. On Monday we went on a bus tour of Downtown which was great because we could get on and off the bus wherever we wanted. Among others we visited the Empire State building, the West Village, Ground Zero which was incredibly moving and a shopping mall where mother bought clothes. Then in the evening we went on a night tour of the city which again was fantastic, apparently very beautiful with all the lights and sky scrapers etc, although I was freezing cold being on the top of an open bus.

Tuesday we went on the Uptown tour, got lost in Harlem which wasn’t so good, went to Central park where we went ice skating which was hilarious and then to Bloomingdale’s. In the evening we went to Broadway to see The Colour Purple, and I have to say that if you ever get the chance to come to New York, please, please, please GO AND SEE THAT! It was fucking incredible! The best play I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I would definitely go and see it again!!! It really did move me to tears and they didn’t really play down the lesbian plotline which I thought they would do. It really was something! Wednesday we spent doing last bits of shopping and walking around to the places we hadn’t yet visited and by last night we were exhausted.

I know I’ve sort of listed everything we’ve done, but it really has gone by in a worl wind. I can tell you that I’ve never done so much walking in my entire life and my thighs and ass are now much more toned than before, but my stomach is bigger because of all the fantastic food heehee. I really can see why America has an obesity problem because you can get anything and everything at any time of day and the portion sizes are heeeeeeuuuuge compared to the UK. I’ve also seen a lot of very attractive women since I’ve been here, but we didn’t get chance to check out the gay scene because there was so much else to do, and let’s face it your mother isn’t really the ideal person to go girl spotting with is she?

So now I’m in JFK airport, on my way to New Orleans to see Kerry. I’m so excited, we talked on the phone yesterday and I don’t think either of us can believe I’m coming! Oh! My! God! I’m in the US!!! I don’t think I’ could live here though, or at least not in New York, the only negative thing I have to say about it is that it’s very man made and flaunts mass consumerism on a very large scale. There’s something unnatural about being able to go out and get anything you want even in the middle of the night, and the sky scrapers make it feel very oppressive. It’s a great place to visit though I have to admit and I would definitely come back.

Well I think that’s all for now, it’s nice to know I’ve been missed though. I’ll send you my next update from New Orleans. xx

Friday, March 16, 2007

Off on my travels

I’ve spent all day running around like a mad head, trying to pack and get ready to go to the US. I swore I wouldn’t over pack, and yet my suitcase is full. I get the feeling I’ll have to buy another suitcase out there to bring shopping back with me. Casual Lover has been texting me all week wanting to meet up before I go, and so I found an hour this afternoon to go see her. We had great sex as ever, and she did make me smile when after I took my clothes off, she paused, and when I asked what was wrong, she commented, “I’d just forgotten how gorgeous you are.” She’s had a new tattoo on her right hip though so I did have to be careful when fucking her, not wanting to catch it.

Mother arrived this afternoon and is even more excited than I am if that’s possible. She’s getting ready for bed now, wonder if she’ll actually get to sleep or if she’ll keep me awake talking instead. I can’t believe it’s actually happening. I’ve always wanted to go to New York, and heading on to New Orleans to see Kerry is an extra added bonus, I can’t wait to be there. Oh and when checking my flight tickets this afternoon I realised I'm actually getting back to Gatwick not Heathrow, woops! Slight fuck up on my part. Thankfully DL wants to see me when I get back, so she's coming with the car to meet me. Ok, think that’s all I have time for, I need to get some sleep. I’m taking my lap top so will do my best to get online and post while I’m there. See you all soon!

PS: I just had an email from the woman I worked for in Albania three years ago. We’ve always kept in touch and she’s wanted me to go back ever since. However, she’s a strict Christian and the last time we spoke I came out to her, and she didn’t take it too well. So a few weeks ago I emailed to see how she was because she’s getting married soon, and I just got a two line response back from her, which was cold if anything. Oh well, you winn some you lose some, she’s probably praying for my soul to be reclaimed from the devil or whatever. It did upset me though all the same. Bloody homophobes! Anyway, big apple here we come! Woo!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

damn my heart

I wish I didn't miss her. But I do... I miss driving alongside her in the car, resting my had on hers. I miss wrapping my arms around her when she came home from work, or waiting naked in our bed for her to come find me. I miss holding her at night, sleeping in her arms and waking up by her side. I miss making love to her, that deep, incredible connection we shared that was unbelievably intense. I miss the little things, talking and laughing with her, going to the cinema with her and sitting holding her hand throughout the film. I miss dating her, touching hands and locking eyes over dinner. I miss going away with her, traveling, sitting on the beach or lying side by side by the pool. I miss the little romantic gestures, the flowers, the starbux frappaccinos that she'd bring home for me, just the little things that would make me know she'd been thinking about me when we were apart. I miss HER. And I hate feeling like this. Will it last? I don't know. Right now I feel like I just want to run to her and be with her. I'm so, so torn. I don't want to go back to her because of the way things were, yet my heart cries out for her all the same.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

audio post

I've tried to make an audio post, hope it works. Go here to listen:

Gabcast! blog #1

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Setting The Record Straight

Sorry it’s been a couple of weeks since I wrote, I’ve really just been too busy and had too much I wanted to say but have not known where to start.

Firstly, it is now only nine days until I go to the US, and I can’t tell you how excited I am about it. It was a month ago today I booked the trip, and I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed. I think it’s because I’ve been so busy with uni, socialising and sorting out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life that time is just zooming by. So what’s been happening? Well, I’ve applied to do a summer internship with a company and have gotten through to the assessment centre stage, woo! They tried to arrange it for next Tuesday but I just can’t do it and so we’re trying to sort something out for when I get back from the US. I’m also considering doing a masters in Creative Writing starting in September as a fallback in case I can’t find work, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but origionally wanted to wait a while before doing so. But I’ve been looking at possible universities and I’m so far considering Manchester, London, Sheffield and UEA. I’ll keep you poasted on that one. Socially I’ve been having a great time and am having to decline offers of going out so that I can stay home and actually get some work done. As far as my casual lover goes, I went from seeing her lots and lots to hardly at all over the past couple of weeks, mainly because we’ve both been busy and she’s sold her car, but on Friday night she came and stayed over for the first time which was lovely. We watched a dvd and had nibbles and then went to bed and had great sex, and then in the morning I got up while she was sleeping and made breakfast which we had in bed. Then we had more great sex and then showered together which was lovely, and she went home in the early afternoon. It was great to actually spend some quality time together rather than her just coming over and us fucking and she leaving. She’s also texted me to say what a great time she had and we plan to see each other soon, although it probably won’t be until I get back from the US now because I seem to have stuff on every night next week.

On Saturday night I went to a random hippy party with my friend Simon, which really wasn’t my scene but was an experience I’ll never forget. It was basically a load of random people in the back garden of a house listening to jungle music and taking lots of drugs, which I avoided. Very, very random but definitely an experience. Sunday I worked and then when to Simon’s for dinner. We had vegetable pie with potatoes and a home made cake. I’ve not had pie in years and it tasted amazing! On Monday I went to Slimming World and I’ve now lost half a stone, woohoo! I want to lose some more before I go to the US though, where I’ll probably put it all back on lol. Afterwards I went for drinks with Frankie, Reed and Rosie which was fab, Rosie has recently split up with her boyfriend of four years so that came as a shock. Everyone is still breaking up at the moment it’s crazy.

The reason my post is called Setting The Record Straight, is because I did want to have a little moan. I don’t often bitch, but this is something I feel quite strongly about, and I feel that writing about it may help to defuse my anger a little. DL has started a new blog, for those of you who want to read it you can go here.
From this, and from talking to certain people over the past couple of weeks I now gather that she thinks that I’m a complete bitch, that I’m no longer the person she loved, honoured and respected, and that she believes that I played her for two years, and dropped her when she was no longer useful to me. This sincerely pisses me off because she knows full well the reasons why I chose to end the relationship, and it wasn’t because I was being a bitch as she seems to think. I can’t believe she is so far detached from reality to forget everything we talked about and to delude herself in to thinking that her only crime was to love me unconditionally. Yeah, WHATEVER!!! So… I am now going to write here what I actually want to say to her, in the hope that it will be in some part cathartic and I’ll feel better. She can’t read this either so it’s for my benefit only not to get back at her in a bitchy way…

“How on earth can you possibly come to the conclusion that I’m the bitch and that I was playing you and using you? Surely you don’t honestly believe that is true, despite what those people who didn’t like me or our relationship might try to convince you is true? How could I have done such a thing for two years? We were together, we loved each other and I did try to make it work. I didn’t leave because I’m a bitch, I left because the way you treated me changed my feelings for you beyond anything I could repair. I was unhappy and so I decided we would be better off apart. Are you forgetting about all the shit that went on? Yes there were good times, amazing times. Times that changed my life and that I will always love you for. But what about the things that really did make me leave you, the anger, aggression and paranoid jealousy that tormented our relationship. No matter how much I tried to show you I loved you it was never enough. You never seemed to believe me, you hated when I went out with my friends without you, asking me who I’d been humping on the dance floor this time. At one point you tried to tell me what I could and couldn’t wear when going out without you, and when I did go out you made things so uncomfortable for me that it wasn’t worth the hastle I knew I would get from you. During the first half of our relationship you let your mother treat me like shit just because she didn’t like the fact that she no longer controlled your life and what happened in it. You did nothing to defend me nor to stop that, it was painful and insulting and I never forgave you for not standing up for me. When I said I was going to Africa for a month, ONE Month, you hit the roof and said that if I loved you I wouldn’t go. When I did go you made my life a misery in the weeks leading up to my departure and when I got back you accused me a fucking other people out there and wouldn’t look at my pictures and went crazy when I got an email from anyone I’d worked with out there. You embarrassed and humiliated me in public, one time I vividly remember bursting in to tears because you shouted at me and called me names in front of my friends. If you had a bad day at work you took it out on me verbally. Any time I wanted to do anything extra like join a group or something, you often didn’t want to go with me but didn’t want me to go without you either. You’ve called me a bitch, a cunt, a slut, and countless other names. It was me, not you who loved you to death and it was me who put up with all that shit for two fucking years, and tried and tried to make it work again and again. I opened myself up to you, let you in to every part of me physically and emotionally. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with you, I wanted to marry you and have kids with you etc etc, and you know what? You fucked it, not me, you! So you can sit there all high and mighty and say that you didn’t do anything wrong, but we both know the truth, don’t we… So you know what, fuck you!”

That’s all I have to say on the matter. It’s over, it’s fucking over and done with and I refuse to part take anymore in her stupid fucking fantasy of what our relationship was really like. No one ever really knew the extent of the emotional abuse, because now that’s what I believe it was. I was too embarrassed to talk about it while we were together, I’m usually a strong person and I know that if some one came to me with all the shit I’ve mentioned plus more, I’d tell them to get out of the relationship, and that is what I eventually told myself to do. I’m glad I did it, I feel stronger for it, and looking back I can’t believe I let her do to me what she ddid, and control and manipulate me in the way she did. All I can say is that I feel sorry for her, and frankly she needs to go get help. So let it be known that no matter how she tries to twist things and say it was all my fault and that she didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment, this is the way it was. After all, if she was so perfect, I would never have left now would I? And if there are those who think I am just a bitch and played her and dropped her, well then get out of my life because I don’t need, and will no longer tolerate that negativity. Not anymore. My new life has started…