Saturday, September 29, 2007

Home comforts

I’m sitting in the living room at my mother’s house. The TV is on, Una is curled up in front of the fire and mum’s cooking chicken stir fry in the kitchen which smells great. It’s been a rather emotional week all in all, what with worrying about DL and finishing my job. I don’t usually decide to come back and see the family in a great hurry, but all I could think about this morning was my mum’s nice warm house, some home cooking having the chance to offload some of my worries on to her and having her make me feel better. Ever since our trip to New York I’ve felt a lot closer to my mum, touch wood we haven’t fought so much and I’ve found myself calling her when I have a problem or just to laugh about some girl that’s pissed me off or some guy that’s messed her around. I’m feeling a bit flat at the moment to tell the truth, I no longer have a job although I’m applying for work obviously as I don’t want to be out of work if I can help it, and my love life isn’t exactly sizzling either. I did ask my crush if she wanted to have dinner, and she tactfully declined, so another one bites the dust disappointingly. I do know that I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people around me though, I’ve made some lovely friends through work and will definitely keep in touch with them.

On Thursday night I had my leaving drinks and everyone came and we all had a great time. They were all taking the piss because the single gay woman at work, the one who came on to me at the wedding did it again much to everybody’s amusement, and the drinks were lined up in front of me after which I wobbled home to bed, alone! Yesterday I went in to work and in the afternoon everyone crowded round my desk and I was given a beautiful bunch of flowers, some chocolates and a leaving card. Everyone hugged me and said how much Una and I would be missed, and I found myself starting to tear up and by the end of the day had a headache from saying goodbye to various different members of the team and trying to keep my tears under control. Last night Caroline and I went to H and her wife S’s for dinner. S cooked a lovely meal and after that we had pina coladas and squashed frogs, discussed who we’d shag in the office, bitched about some one none of us can stand at work, talked about how H and S met and their wedding, watched the wedding video, discussed the state of mine and Caroline’s love lives and I was finally driven home just after midnight to fall in to bed.

Interruption, the dog has just puked all over my mother’s rug, this is the second time today she’s been sick, she must have a stomach bug. Will have to take her to the vets on Monday.

So here I am up north, and it’s bloody freezing! When I boarded the train in London I was sweltering in my coat, so I took it off. As we got further north it got colder and colder and by the time I got here I had my coat back on and was shivering. So I’m going to spend the next few days catching up with family, and trying to put my step sister in her place as she’s apparently been being naughty in school. Then it’s off to Sheffield to see friends if some one will give me a bed. Just finished this post in time for dinner, or tea as we say up north!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Plucking up the courage

Last night I went to my usual Tuesday meeting. I was standing outside the tube waiting for the girl i was supposed to be meeting and it got to about fifteen minutes after the time we were supposed to hook up. I'd tried to call her and kept getting diverted so figured she was still underground. Just as I was starting to get concerned she came out of the station, kissed my cheek and appologised for being late. Right behind her was my crush. I totally didn't expect that and was pleasantly surprised, although I found myself being slightly annoyed that they had turned up together which is totaly rediculous because the other girl is in a relationship. Anyway we walked to the bar and en route stopped at Coffee Cake and Kink. I'd never been in there and I didn't realise it was a cafe combined with a sex shop until we stopped outside and I asked what the Kink was. "I'll show you," said the girl who isn't my crush and in we went. So there I was looking at whips and sex toys, different dildos and butt plugs with my crush standing right there. Hint, never go in to a sex shop with some one you fancy, it's very awkward and it makes you feel very uncomfortable, especially as I kept visualising using the dildos, whips etc on her, imagining her expression as I fucked her. So on we went to the bar and ordered food, my stomach lurching when our hands touched when we exchanged money. I sound so silly, but she is unbelievably attractive, you know when you just feel like some one is too beautiful? They stand out a mile in a room and they don't even realise it? Well she's like that. Last night she seemed more chatty than usual, kept asking me questions and saying how much she enjoyed the party. I can't tell if she even likes me in that way, I'm not sure whether I'm reading too much in to things which I probably am. But when on the way out she took my hand to guide me through some tables, I nearly fainted. She has the softest skin in the world and I didn't want her to let go. We walked arm in arm all the way back to the tube and on departing she kissed me on both cheeks, her hair brushing against my face. I want to pluck up the courage to ask her on a date, but I'm not sure I have the nerve. I just feel like she's way out of my league, plus we see each other socially and if she turned me down I would feel incredibly embarrassed every time I saw her. I met up with the other girl today for lunch, I'll have to give her a name, and kind of told her about my crush and she said that she would do some subtle digging for me to find out if she's interested, but I'm not the most patient of people. I'm resisting the urge to text her and ask how her day is going. So what to do... Should I go for it? Or just leave it for a while and see if she makes a move? Advice please!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007


A year on and she's still not over me. Not only is she not over me, but she's as distraught now as she was when we broke up. She demands my time and energy, she guilt trips me if we can't spend time together and wants me to account for every minute that I'm not with her, she throws herself at me and then cries when I tell her "no". She manipulates situations, she speaks to me in a way I wouldn't allow anyone else too. She's imploring, desperate, angry, pathetic, terrifyingly on the edge. She begs, pleads, craves to be loved in a way that I can no longer love her. She spends most of the time reminiscing over what we had, appologising futilely for things neither of us can change, wishing she was some one else so that I would fall in love with her again. If she knows I'm with other women which I try and keep separate from our friendship, she gets crazily jealous and angry, verbally degrades them and me sometimes, and then once again returns to begging, pleading, wishing. Today we had a conversation... "This has got to stop," I said. "I want to put some distance between us," I said. "Enough is enough, we're never going to get back together. I'll never fall back in love with you. It's over, done, finished. You need to move on, be happy, find other things, some one else," I said.
"There'll never be anyone else," she said. "I can't live a life without you in it," she said. "What's the point in anything if I can't share it with you," she said. "I love you, I'm sorry, I love you," she said.
"You're obsessed with me," I said,. "It's unnatural, unhealthy, it scares me," I said.
"I want to die," she said. "I want to die."

The last time I tried to back away from her she tried to kill herself. I am terrified that she'll do the same this time. I feel guilty, angry, responsible, frustrated. I want to shake her and tell her that everyone gets broken hearted at some point, that we all pick ourselves up and move on, rebuild our lives, get on with it. She won't listen, to me nor anyone else. She's trapped in this spiralling world of desperate attempts to get me back, trying to change herself for the benifit of wooing me again. It won't happen. I don't love her anymore, not as one loves a partner. I care for her deeply as a friend and always will. We shared a life together, made plans together, she gave me some of the best and worsed times of my life. But for how long can she put me through this. How long do I have to feel guilty for, to be made to feel responsible for the way she's feeling. Because I do, and I hate it, all of it. It's like she's telling me, either take me back, or I'll end it all. What a choice. How do I live with that? How?

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Fun times

Christ, I haven’t stopped this week. On Monday I was overjoyed to see my friend Kim waiting for me at reception in the building where I work. I came through the door and there she was, and we had the longest hug ever and it was lovely to see her. We spent the whole afternoon together, chatting, eating great food and shopping. We went to a fab Italian restaurant in Soho, wondered around and bought make up, and then I insisted upon taking her to First Out for coffee and cake only to find it was closed. So we ended up at the coffee shop in Silver Moon bookshop, where hilariously while I was in the loo, a woman recognised Una and said to Kim, “Haven’t I seen her in First Out?” Kim replied, “Yes you probably have, her owner goes there a lot.” I love how the dog gets noticed but I don’t, haha. It’s because she’s so bloody gorgeous that’s why! Anyway we didn’t stop talking all afternoon, catching up on everything that’s been happening, baring in mind we hadn’t seen each other for three months which is the longest we’ve ever gone without meeting up. Anyway it was fab fab fab to see her and I was sad to leave her and miss her lots! That evening I made my way home and didn’t do a lot, just read a little and went to bed.

Tuesday I took Una to the vets after work and then went out in the evening to the usual Tuesday group meeting. We were small in numbers this week and so decided to go to a bar rather than stay in First Out, and I think everyone had a bit to drink. I also invited the girls to my house warming on Friday, one in particular I was hoping would come because I have a rather large crush on her and she’s very, very attractive and I would quite like to kiss her for hours, hold her hand while walking down the street, cook her some good food, take her to bed and stay awake all night touching and tasting every inch of her body and then hold her while she sleeps in my arms. Anyway that’s besides the point… I left the bar feeling exhausted and crawled in to bed at around midnight.

Wednesday I tried to stay awake at work and then went out again with the same group of girls, lucky me, to a different bar this time. This one was quieter and more chilled and after a couple of diet cokes I gave in and spent the rest of the evening drinking Bailies and trying not to make eyes at the hot hot one. Did I mention that I wanted to kiss her for hours, hold her hand………

Thursday didn’t go especially well. DL called me in the morning on her way to work and we had a huge fight. Basically her birthday is on Monday and she’d said she didn’t want to do anything at the weekend and that she was intending to work instead. She’d been insisting about this for weeks and weeks and I’d asked her if she was sure countless times. So I went ahead and made plans for this weekend, and on Wednesday she dropped into the conversation that we were apparently going for dinner on Saturday night. “No we’re not,” I said, “I’ve made plans because you said you didn’t want to do anything.” So then she flipped out and said that she obviously wasn’t important, blah blah blah, and gave me a huge guilt trip, and to be honest I was so angry because she can be so damn manipulative. Not wanting to do anything turned in to, “I wanted to spend the whole weekend with you,” and I ended up hanging up feeling pissed off and upset and running late for work. We’d planned to see each other that evening to go to the cinema to see Atonement, so we stuck to that and she resigned herself to the fact that because she hadn’t communicated her feelings properly she wasn’t going to get her way this time, it still didn’t stop her feeling sorry for herself though. Jesus Christ, sometimes she can be intolerable. Anyway we had a nice evening even though I was feeling emotional, the film was great, but it didn’t end too well. We were in the car on the way back to my place when I got a text from BB. I’ve basically decided to leave that situation alone because she couldn’t give me what I wanted and I didn’t think I could really be friends with her, and when she texted me all the emotions of the day I’d been holding in just came to the surface and I sat there with tears streaming down my face and staring out the window so that DL wouldn’t see me crying. Of course she picked up that there was something wrong and I said it was nothing, just that it was about some one I’d been sort of seeing. When we got back to my place she hugged me goodbye and that started me off again, and then she started crying and saying that she couldn’t handle me being with other women, that it cut her up and she didn’t know what to do. To be honest I think that we are going to have to have a break from the friendship for at least six months because although she tries to pretend she’s ok with everything, she’s really not, and it’s a year on and she’s still not even beginning to get over the relationship. I know it must sound cruel the fact that we still meet up and spend time together, but I really do think that the break has to be her idea. I’ve tried putting distance between us before with disastrous consequences, and I think the more I push her away the more she’ll keep coming back. So I want it to be her decision because then she’ll be in control of her feelings and maybe taking charge of things will help her get herself back on track. I hope so at least. Anyway after a long chat she left and I went to bed.

On Friday I woke up not feeling much better and went in to work feeling like shit. I sat there wanting to cry for most of the morning, god knows where all this is coming from, I must be due on my period because that’s the only reason I can account for feeling so fucking sensitive about everything. Anyway on Friday afternoon I had my flat to clean and prepare for the party, and the excitement of the night ahead cheered me up. It was a lovely evening, all my friends came and also some people from work, the girls from the gay group including the one I really, really fancy. I put on a bit of food and wore a skirt with a fairly low cut top and sandals, the chocolate fountain came out and the wine was flowing, so much so that towards the end of the night I ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor, woops. Thankfully the crush had left by then so she didn’t see the inebriated me.

So yesterday I woke up not being able to lift my head off the pillow. It felt like a thousand led balls were rolling around in my brain, and after a cup of tea and some tablets I felt only slightly better. I finally got up and cleared away all the empty bottles to be recycled, and did the washing up and hoovered and mopped the floors. That afternoon my blogger friend F was arriving for the weekend so I wanted the place to look nice. Let me give you a brief history of me and F so that you’re up to speed.

We met through blogging just over a year and a half ago, she was living in another country and I was with DL. So we were friends for ages, and then a little while after I finished with DL we started to cross the line of intimacy on the phone. By this time she’d moved to the UK to study and we went on in this fashion for a bit. We stopped talking for a while because I felt she was getting a little intense and I was still quite cut up about the break up, so we sort of fell out and didn’t speak for a few months. When I moved to London I sent her an email saying I hoped that she was ok and that I thought of her, and she got back in touch and we’ve gradually built the friendship back up. She’s somewhat older than myself and we’re from completely different backgrounds and cultures, so it makes for an interesting friendship. We spend hours on the phone debating about all kinds of things, and we have regular and great phone sex. So anyway we’d been talking about meeting for a while now so that we could put faces to voices etc, and this weekend was the date we’d arranged. I was pretty nervous having shared things on the phone but never having met her before, and for the first couple of hours I was a bit quiet and giggly and she kept laughing and saying how nervous I looked. Anyway we ordered take out and chatted for a while and we were both quite tired so went to bed fairly early. We stayed awake and chatted for a while, and I was surprised at how shy and awkward I felt. I’d not backward in coming forward as we all know, but when she’d make a comment eluding to something sexual we’d talked about I’d go red and laugh nervously, even though I just wanted to be as open and forward as she was being inside. After a while of talking I turned on my side and she spooned me, cuddling in close. I think we were both thinking the same thing because after a while of being restrained her hand crept around my waste and the rest as they say, is history. Two orgasms later I was shattered and starting to fall asleep as she was talking to me. I remember muttering my apologies and saying that she’d knocked me out and then I was away with the faeries. We woke quite early this morning and I made tea and we lay in bed chatting for hours. Until I said, “I really want to play with your nipples,” and then it started all over again, the poor neighbours. Feeling satiated we eventually got out of bed at about three, showered and had some food. She left around five and texted a little later to say she’d had a wonderful time. I have to agree. So now I’m catching up with emails and obviously blogging and getting ready for my last week at work. Boohoo! Tomorrow is DL’s birthday so we’re going out for dinner, I hope it goes without incident.

Hilarious and so true

A friend of mine emailed this to me, and I'm posting it here because, as a lesbian who has been hit on by bi curious women, I find it incredibly humourous!

* * *

Dear Bi-curious Drunk Girls,

I have something I need to get off my chest. While it's been fun, the
kissing and making out and such, something's got to give. You see, I know
the minute you start talking about how you "like girls, too", or "think about women a
lot" that you're eventually going to ask me to kiss you. I don't mind this
at all. In fact, I generally enjoy it. Where I start having a problem is when I
try to decide just how drunk you are.

I mean, I've been there, drunk that is. And I've been taken advantage of a
time or two in that inebriated state. And while I'll be the first to admit I
can be a real asshole at times, I try not to take advantage of other people.
I consider nailing a girl who's had a few too many "taking advantage". Even
if she acts like that's what she wants. Even if she drunk dials me an hour
later. You know you didn't leave anything in my car.

I'm just asking for a little help here. So today, while you're relatively
sober, this is what I want you to do:

Give me written permission.

That's right, put it on paper. Say "I (fill in the blank), being of sound
and sober mind, give permission to the next hot dyke I hit on to nail me
Sincerely, (fill in the blank again)." Then make sure you take it with you
the next time you head out to get shit-faced.

It's that simple.

It will make me feel better about doing what I want to do anyway, which is


An ethical, but sexually frustrated queer

Monday, September 17, 2007

Disappointing news, other people’s dogs, and bonding

Ok, let’s get the horrible part over with first. I didn’t get the job. And yes, I am very disappointed and am trying to look at it in a positive way in that something better is obviously out there waiting for me to snap it up. It’s not even so much not getting that particular job that bothers me because it wasn’t a really challenging role even. It’s the prospect of actually being out of work for any length of time,. Because too much of my own company sends me crazy, as does idleness and not stretching myself and so I am not looking forward to finishing my job in two weeks time and spending all my time on the net applying for jobs and graduate schemes. As far as the company I’m working for at the moment goes, the team I’m working with are great, but there is a lot of hidden burocracy and under cover agendas within the business, as well as the fact that some one I have to work closely with and who is higher up than me likes to play dirty and doubtless had a hand in the decision making about the job.

Anyway, enough of that, positivity is the way forward. I will get a job, I will get a job, I will get a job!!!

Wednesday evening was eventful, only in that DT was coming round for dinner on the Thursday and I’d decided to make curry. I knew I wouldn’t get in until later than usual because of the interview so I decided to make the currey the night before and keep it in the fridge so that all I’d have to do was to make the rice and heat everything through. So on Wednesday I tidied the flat, put my suit in the wash and set about cooking the currey. Everything was going fine until I left the currey on the hob and went to get my suit out of the machine, only to discover that something in there had fucking ripped all the lining in the jacket. I stood there having a minor panic attack and examining the damage, as well as checking the outside to see whether it was wearable. That was when the currey started to burn. Thankfully the suit was wearable, I’m just going to have to have the lining restitched, and I saved the currey which turned out to be one of the best I’ve ever made.

So DT arrived for dinner with lots of wine, and spent time having a good look around the flat while I finished the cooking. We also had a giggle about the dirty weekend she’s going away on, even though she tried to pretend it wasn’t a dirty weekend, and I told her about the party I’m going to in a few weeks, which she got very excited about. After dinner we spent a while examining outfits I’m thinking of wearing and deciding which would look more sexy and sophisticated, and discussing the DL situation, which in a nutshell is that we’re trying to be friends which is proving to be difficult because she’s still very much not over the break up. By the time she left we’d had rather a lot of wine and I was past being tipsy.

Friday I took the day off work and my friend R came down from Sheffield for the weekend. I was really looking forward to her visit but a little nervous as we’ve not really spent much time together outside a group setting apart from going for the odd drink before, and I wanted to make sure she had a good time. Anyway as I’m sure she’ll agree it was great, we talked for England, went for food on the Friday night with Baby G and another friend and got slightly tipsy, and on the Saturday we went to Hammersmith to do some shopping and ended up sitting outside a pub for three hours chatting a drinking pins. That evening we were both shattered so I cooked chilli and we hired a movie and had some wine. On Sunday we made lunch and took it and the dog to the Heath with DL, and although it was colder than the day before the sun managed to poke its head out of the clouds long enough for us to eat and then lie on the grass for a while while Una roamed around and fraternised with her fellow canines. She was a little apprehensive at first though because when we’d taken her to the park the day before, a man’s husky had gone for her and although it didn’t manage to bite her properly I think it scared Una and she stuck pretty close to me for a while. We dropped R back at the train station in the afternoon and I have to say it was a lovely weekend and I feel like I’ve gotten to know her lots better than I did. We’re very similar in many respects and she’s very easy company and a good conversationalist, plus she makes me laugh.

This afternoon my friend Kim is in town and we're having lunch and spending the afternoon together, and the rest of the week looks busy too. I'll write again at the weekend.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Going for it!

So here's the thing... I've had a couple of reacurring fantasies for a long time now. One is me and another woman fucking while being watched, by women of course. Another is being fucked by several different women at the same time. I tried to have a threesome when I was in colege but the mood wasn't right and it didn't feel too good so I stopped it as we were about to get in to it. It was with a woman I was seeing casually at the time and a friend of hers, and I just didn't find the friend attractive and she really wanted to play a lot with me and so it just didn't work. Ever since then I've had these fantasies, and they've fueled many an orgasm in the past. When DL and I were together and we would talk dirty in bed, the main thing that used to get me off was to imagine that there was some one watching us fucking and to have her join in part way through. The thought of it used to drive me mad, and I even did some scouting around on the net for a while looking for places we could go to meet people who wanted to swap partners. But although she said she would do it I didn't feel that she was totally in to it and so we never did anything about it.

Now, however, I am free and single, and when I got to london I found out about something that could potentially blow my mind if it turns out to be good. I'm not going to give the finer details of the events, but basically I saw an advert online for an all female sex party. Apparently they happen every couple of months and the last time it was taking place I really wanted to go but bottled it, then regretted not going straight away. Some one I know went and I spoke to her afterwards about what it was like and she said it was totally amazing, very classy and friendly and in a lovely location with sexy, attractive and friendly women, some of whom watched and others played at anything from masturbation to group sex. I was really pissed off that I didn't get to go and was mad at myself and swore the next time it came around I would go. So... I was online late last week and up popped the advert yet again. I knew what it would say and still I read it three times, and then sent an email to the organiser stating my interest. I got a lovely response back, and today we spoke on the phone to arrange the finer points of the night. All I have to do now is make the payment that is required to cover costs towards the hire of the location and everything that will be provided at the party. So I'm sitting here with the details, and I will make the payment tomorrow. I am both terrified and excited. I'm not intimidated by the fact that I could potentially end up having lots of fun with several different women all in one place, I find that part incredibly arousing. it's the going and not knowing anyone that I'm nervous about. I spoke to a friend of mine earlier today and she said she may be interested in coming too, and I'm kind of hoping she does because I think I'd feel a lot less nervous if I know some one else there. I am totally excited about the possibilities that I will be faced with, even if I just got to watch and didn't get any action it would be something I've never done before and which I know would completely turn me on. I won't be able to discuss what happens too much on here as there's obviously confidentiality issues, as a lot of the women who attend are proffessionals high up in their field and their privacy needs to be honoured and respected, but I just had to tell some one that I was going and how excited I am, and it's not exactly something you call your family or most of your friends about now is it? The only other thing I'm conscious about is my body, so I'm going on a strict diet for the next few weeks and even if I lose a couple of pounds it'll be something, and I'll hopefully feel good enough about my body to walk around at least semi nude, and won't be shy about getting naked with person or persons involved. This is the most daring thing I've ever done sexually and I'm hardly a virgin by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm utterly thrilled by the prospect.

In other news, had a fantastic few days catching up with friends. Thursday night I went to the relaunch of the Glass bar which was lovely, it was a warm evening and there were scores of women outside on the pavement drinking and talking, and music and more people inside. Although it's a very small venue and could do with a lot more work to get it looking ship shape, it's a fantastic women only space, the only one of its kind in London except for the Candy Bar and it was great to see so much support from the community. Didn't have too much of a late one as I had to be up for work on friday, and on Friday night DL came over and we watched Notes on a Scandal and got take out. Saturday my friend Simon was in town on his way to go and live in Paris, so we spent the afternoon together and had lunch and drinks outside in the sunshine and caught up on each others lives. In the evening i went to the bbq of an ex house mate DT, where I and most of the people there got very very drunk. I knew it was time to go home when the chair I was sitting on started feeling like I was on a fair ground ride and the room started spinning out of control. Don't really remember getting home to bed but woke up with a hang over unsurprisingly in the morning and figured I'd drank two bottles of wine to myself, lol. So I spent the day tidying up the messs that was my kitchen and doing the weeks worth of washing up that was there, God I miss having a dish washer. In the evening Baby G and another friend of ours CC came over and we ended up having a really girly night, cooking and chatting and putting the world to rights.. They left just after ten and I went to bed still feeling rough, then it was back to work today. I have a busy week ahead too, have gay groups tomorrow and Wednesday evenings, Thursday I have the job interview and DT is coming round for dinner and then my friend Rosie is coming to stay for the weekend which will be lovely.

I also got told today that they won't be extending my contract at work past the end of September, so unless I land this permenant position by some miracle, I'll be out of a job in a few weeks until I find something else. So I'm going to devote any spare time I have to job hunting and keep my fingers crosssed for the position I'm going for on Thursday. Not working for a little while might not be so bad as I'm considering a trip to New York in October. Baby G has vaginismus and so is going out there to get treatment and CC is going with her. I mentioned before that Baby G's boyfriend is already there through work and they're staying at his apartment, and Baby G is going to ask him if he wouldn't mind letting me stay as well. It'll be great if it all works out, we can have a girlie shopping, site seeing and coctails holiday which I'm in desperate need of at the moment, plus I get to be there supporting my best friend through what will be a traumatic and difficult few weeks for her.
I'm off to cook dinner now as it's getting late and I'm getting hungry, and silent Witness is on TV at nine which I want to watch. No doubt just as I'm getting in to it the phone will ring and that'll be it for the night which is what usually tends to happen when I try to watch something on tv lol.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


Finally finally, I’m up and running in my own place with a phone line, the internet and cable TV, what more technology could I ask for? And that’s not to mention the wonderful gadgets hidden under my bed haha. Actually on that note I had an embarrassing moment yesterday when the man from virgin media who came to install everything asked if he could pull my bed out from it’s place to get to a socket. The night before I’d had a session with Jessica rabbit and in post orgasm sleepy numbness I just slid the toy in to the bag and didn’t really bother about making sure it was closed properly. So when he asked to move my bed, I had an image of either him crunching my beloved toys under the bed legs, or knocking the bag over so that everything spilled out. Thankfully none of the above happened and my blushes were spared.

So anyway, about the new place. It’s lovely and especially amazing for the rent I’m paying. It’s a studio flat in a large building, I’m on the top floor, the pluses being I have two big sky lights that let in lots of naturally light and the beautiful sunshine, but I also get the heat that rises up from the other flats in the building and so I’m boiling and having the fan on and the windows wide open isn’t doing much to help disperse the heat. It’s reasonably large for a studio, with a separate spacious kitchen and bathroom, and oh the joy of being able to cook what I want when I want, or not having to wait for some one to get out of the shower, or going in to the loo and inhaling the smell of some one’s poo! Oh it’s heaven! I also have a lovely new bed which after sleeping on the blow up mattress at O’s house for weeks on end is heaven in itself and I haven’t been wanting to get up in the mornings, but that’s nothing unusual really. So anyway, I’m now in West London which is funnily enough where I wanted to end up, and the area is lovely and from what I can gather it’s safe and quiet and that’s something for London. As I sit writing I can hear the bustle of the traffic as usual, but also the chirp of a bird somewhere on the roof top, and it’s such a lovely sound. I’ve found myself craving clean air, open space and tranquillity more and more these days. That’s not to say that I don’t love London, quite the opposite, I love it, but it is nice to find little pockets of natural beauty among the hustle and bustle. I’ve been taking the dog to the Heath and spending hours just walking around and letting her swim about in the ponds and pools there while kids chase each other and couples stroll past. Plus it’s obviously very gay around there, and I’ve yet to go to the women’s pond which I’m dying to do but I usually have the dog in toe so haven’t been as yet.

Last weekend my dad visited which was lovely. I find it really amusing that he comments on so much of London life that has become the norm to me now, like how people blast there horns at other cars for apparently no reason at all, and the random and often bizarre things you see while driving through the city, plus he keeps trying to imitate what he calls a cockney accent which is hilarious given his northern ness.

Getting around has been a total nightmare this week, and so far I haven’t been anywhere other than to work and that was a struggle. The tubes are on strike due to something about pay or pensions and the like, which means that those of us that want to go anywhere have found it extremely fucking difficult. Yesterday I was three hours late for work along with everyone else in the capital I think, and today I arrived two hours late, and of course had to stay longer and make up the time. Plus I’ve missed out on going to two gay groups this week, and I didn’t go last week because I was moving house so I’m not a happy bunny about the whole thing. It’s supposed to be getting resolved though and they tell us it should be back to normal by tomorrow, which I hope is true. Tomorrow night it’s the reopening of the Glassbar, a women only venue near Euston which I’m going to try and go to as I think it’s important to support anyone who tries to create a women’s only space in the community, and at the weekend my friend Simon is in town so I’m going to meet up with him for a bit and spend some time together before he jets off to Paris to live.

So on the domestic front all is well. I should also mention that I’ve gotten through to the final stage of interviews for a job I’m applying for which takes place next week and which I’m extremely nervous about. Quite honestly I don’t think I’ll get the position because I know they’re looking for some one with more experience, but if I did get it it would mean A security, and B a lot more money which of course is important if I want to go about starting my own business eventually. The only thing that isn’t going very well at the moment is my love life, and I’m finding that I’m growing tired of being completely single. That’s not to say I want a full on relationship because I don’t, but it would certainly be nice to date some one fairly regularly, go out for dinner and to the theatre and the like, and of course the physical side of things too. I’m starting to miss having some one to share things with and cuddle up too, get excited about seeing and look forward to spending time with. And I know I should stop looking because that’s usually when people tend to come along, so I’m trying not to think about it too much. Una is also a bit pissed off with me because since I’ve moved and had a new bed, I’ve enforced a “dog’s not allowed on beds” rule, which she is trying her best to ignore. I have to keep waking up in the night to mutter “get down!” As she tries to creep up when I’m asleep. So she’s banished to the sofa which I’m going to start weaning her off, as soon as I get a new one, so I’m not her favourite person at the moment. She also totally embarrassed me on our first day living here. I could tell she was anxious and was wondering what the hell was going on, and the first thing that tends to show signs of any distress she’s in is her stomach. So yeah, you probably guessed it, when walking down the stairs to get to the ground floor she decided to stop and do a great big poo right there and then, and some one else was coming down the stairs behind us, and oh my God how I hate animals sometimes. Thankfully she’s not done it since, I think it was nerves because she’s of course extremely well house trained, little monkey. She’s also causing great amusement in the office because her latest favourite position is to lie in the middle of the floor on her back with her legs spread wide open and a rope toy between her paws which she chews. It looks very cute but very undignified, and everyone that walks past calls her a tart or a hussy or a slapper or something like that. Bless her.

I need to sort out some travel plans now that I’m settled in my new home, haha listen to me, how contradictory, but seriously I feel like I’ve not had a holiday for ages. And really I haven’t, I went to America in March and that was a very active trip, not so much a sun and sea holiday which is what I’m in need of right now. When I complained about it the other day DL made noises about also needing a break away, but I’m not sure that us going away together is a good idea, I don’t think we’re quite at that stage just yet, and I think that if we did go away we’d probably fall back in to the couple routine which is definitely not a good idea.

I’m going to finish with the lyrics to a song by the Amateur Transplants, if you’ve not heard of them you should look them up because a lot of their stuff is very good. Anyway this one is entitled London Underground, and it just about sums it up this week…

Some people might like to get a train to work
Or drive in in a Beamer or a merc,
Some guys like to travel in by bus,
But I can't be bothered with the fuss
Today I'm going to take my bike,
Coz once again the Tube's on strike.
The greedy bastards want extra pay
for sitting on their arse all day
even though they earn 30K .
So I'm standing here in the pouring rain,
Where the fuck's my fucking train?

London Underground
London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I want to shoot them all with a rifle.

All they say is "Please mind the doors",
and they learned that on the two day course,
This job could be done by a four year old.
They just leave us freezing in the cold.
What you smell is what you get
Burger King and piss and sweat
You roast to death in the boiling heat,
With tourists treading on your feet
and chewing gum on every seat,
so don't tell me to "Mind the gap"
I want my fucking money back.

London Underground
London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I want to shoot them all with a rifle

The floors are sticky and the seats are damp,
Every platform has a fucking tramp,
But the drivers get the day off when
we're all late for work again,

London Underground
London Underground
WaWa Wankers , They're all Wankers ,
London Underground
London Underground
Take your Oystercard, and shove it up your arsehole.