Another crush

Hmm, I have another crush. It has developed over the past couple of months and is now in full fury. I don't even know if she's gay. I see her quite a lot, I could see her every day if I wanted too because she works very close by. She's always very friendly and she's older than me. I find it difficult to chat to her without my mind wondering, and yes, I have thought about her while doing the kit cat shuffle. I wonder if she knows I like her... Probably not. It's nice to admire from a distance though, I just wish I knew which team she batted for.

Not so commic weirdos

Yesterday was my day for attracting the more strange members of our society. I got on the bus to come home, which is thankfully only about a five minute journey, and straight away this guy started saying, “How are ya then? How are ya?” very loudly. I smiled and said “fine thank you,” and he jumped up and gave me his seat which was very nice of him. He then sat behind me and every minute or so tapped my shoulder and said, “how are ya then, how are ya?” Then he bent down to the dog and started talking to her, saying things like, “’Av a fackin’ drink then, that’s what I say, ‘av a fackin’ drink!” I sat there silently praying he would quietly go away, and when it was my stop I willed him to stay on the bus which he thankfully did.

Last night I went to a comedy night at a very well known gay pub in London. The group of girls I meet during the week went last Wednesday but because I was up north I couldn’t go. They’d said how funny the comedians were, but honestly I haven’t laughed so much in a long time. Last night they were all women, two gay and one straight I think. The compare, I can’t remember her name, Zoe something was great, I could have watched her all night. The first act wasn’t all that great but I think it was because she was nervous and therefore her delivery suffered. She was very aggressive and it was almost like you could see her willing you to laugh at what she was saying which had the opposite effect. She got a mixed reaction from the audience. But the headline act, Kitty Flannigan (think that’s how you spell it) was absolutely fucking hilarious!!! She had me bent double in my seat, crying with laughter from the minute she walked on stage. By the end of the night my throat was hoarse from so much belly laughing and I’m sure my mascara was streaked with the tears. An absolutely fantastic night, I’m going again next week. Also my crush was there and it seemed like she made quite an effort to talk to me. I felt a bit awkward at first but then told myself not to be ridiculous and it was fine after that.

So then, on the way home, weirdo number two came along. I’ve been feeling a little anxious about coming home late at night, especially as it’s starting to get dark earlier now. But my area is a nice one and I walk along a main road so have been feeling reasonably ok with it. Last night I didn’t get to the tube station until midnight though so there was hardly anybody around. I started walking down the road, and this guy just came out of nowhere at the side of me and started saying, “here doggy doggy,” to Una, but not in a nice way, in a horrible kind of menacing way. You know when you can just tell, there are some people who are weird, sort of ok can deal with you kind of weird, and then there are those who are weird like nasty dangerous very unnerving kind of weird. Well he was one of them. He repeatedly called the dog, so I speeded her up and began to walk very quickly, baring in mind I was in heels. A bit further down the road I passed a couple of people and felt better, but then when they had gone I heard the weird guy shout something from a little way behind me. That’s when my fast walk turned in to a fast jog, and I fumbled in my bag for my phone and called F and told her to talk to me because there was a strange man following me. Thankfully I got home without incident, but it really shook me and I need to rethink how I’m going to get home now that winter is drawing in. It wasn’t at all a nice feeling and I know the next time I have to make that journey I’ll be super edgy. Ended up staying up until two talking to F on the phone, having one of our wonderful debates, this time about left or right wing politics, black culture in the UK, and prejudice among other things. I love talking to her, and things got so tense, in a good way, that we both ended up feeling rather horny and digressing to talking about fucking each other. She doesn’t have classes tomorrow an she’s threatened to come and give me a warm up session in preparation for Saturday night, not sure if she will though, haha.

Guess I’d better get back to the job hunting, joy oh joy!

Home comforts

I’m sitting in the living room at my mother’s house. The TV is on, Una is curled up in front of the fire and mum’s cooking chicken stir fry in the kitchen which smells great. It’s been a rather emotional week all in all, what with worrying about DL and finishing my job. I don’t usually decide to come back and see the family in a great hurry, but all I could think about this morning was my mum’s nice warm house, some home cooking having the chance to offload some of my worries on to her and having her make me feel better. Ever since our trip to New York I’ve felt a lot closer to my mum, touch wood we haven’t fought so much and I’ve found myself calling her when I have a problem or just to laugh about some girl that’s pissed me off or some guy that’s messed her around. I’m feeling a bit flat at the moment to tell the truth, I no longer have a job although I’m applying for work obviously as I don’t want to be out of work if I can help it, and my love life isn’t exactly sizzling either. I did ask my crush if she wanted to have dinner, and she tactfully declined, so another one bites the dust disappointingly. I do know that I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people around me though, I’ve made some lovely friends through work and will definitely keep in touch with them.

On Thursday night I had my leaving drinks and everyone came and we all had a great time. They were all taking the piss because the single gay woman at work, the one who came on to me at the wedding did it again much to everybody’s amusement, and the drinks were lined up in front of me after which I wobbled home to bed, alone! Yesterday I went in to work and in the afternoon everyone crowded round my desk and I was given a beautiful bunch of flowers, some chocolates and a leaving card. Everyone hugged me and said how much Una and I would be missed, and I found myself starting to tear up and by the end of the day had a headache from saying goodbye to various different members of the team and trying to keep my tears under control. Last night Caroline and I went to H and her wife S’s for dinner. S cooked a lovely meal and after that we had pina coladas and squashed frogs, discussed who we’d shag in the office, bitched about some one none of us can stand at work, talked about how H and S met and their wedding, watched the wedding video, discussed the state of mine and Caroline’s love lives and I was finally driven home just after midnight to fall in to bed.

Interruption, the dog has just puked all over my mother’s rug, this is the second time today she’s been sick, she must have a stomach bug. Will have to take her to the vets on Monday.

So here I am up north, and it’s bloody freezing! When I boarded the train in London I was sweltering in my coat, so I took it off. As we got further north it got colder and colder and by the time I got here I had my coat back on and was shivering. So I’m going to spend the next few days catching up with family, and trying to put my step sister in her place as she’s apparently been being naughty in school. Then it’s off to Sheffield to see friends if some one will give me a bed. Just finished this post in time for dinner, or tea as we say up north!

Plucking up the courage

Last night I went to my usual Tuesday meeting. I was standing outside the tube waiting for the girl i was supposed to be meeting and it got to about fifteen minutes after the time we were supposed to hook up. I'd tried to call her and kept getting diverted so figured she was still underground. Just as I was starting to get concerned she came out of the station, kissed my cheek and appologised for being late. Right behind her was my crush. I totally didn't expect that and was pleasantly surprised, although I found myself being slightly annoyed that they had turned up together which is totaly rediculous because the other girl is in a relationship. Anyway we walked to the bar and en route stopped at Coffee Cake and Kink. I'd never been in there and I didn't realise it was a cafe combined with a sex shop until we stopped outside and I asked what the Kink was. "I'll show you," said the girl who isn't my crush and in we went. So there I was looking at whips and sex toys, different dildos and butt plugs with my crush standing right there. Hint, never go in to a sex shop with some one you fancy, it's very awkward and it makes you feel very uncomfortable, especially as I kept visualising using the dildos, whips etc on her, imagining her expression as I fucked her. So on we went to the bar and ordered food, my stomach lurching when our hands touched when we exchanged money. I sound so silly, but she is unbelievably attractive, you know when you just feel like some one is too beautiful? They stand out a mile in a room and they don't even realise it? Well she's like that. Last night she seemed more chatty than usual, kept asking me questions and saying how much she enjoyed the party. I can't tell if she even likes me in that way, I'm not sure whether I'm reading too much in to things which I probably am. But when on the way out she took my hand to guide me through some tables, I nearly fainted. She has the softest skin in the world and I didn't want her to let go. We walked arm in arm all the way back to the tube and on departing she kissed me on both cheeks, her hair brushing against my face. I want to pluck up the courage to ask her on a date, but I'm not sure I have the nerve. I just feel like she's way out of my league, plus we see each other socially and if she turned me down I would feel incredibly embarrassed every time I saw her. I met up with the other girl today for lunch, I'll have to give her a name, and kind of told her about my crush and she said that she would do some subtle digging for me to find out if she's interested, but I'm not the most patient of people. I'm resisting the urge to text her and ask how her day is going. So what to do... Should I go for it? Or just leave it for a while and see if she makes a move? Advice please!

Fun times

Christ, I haven’t stopped this week. On Monday I was overjoyed to see my friend Kim waiting for me at reception in the building where I work. I came through the door and there she was, and we had the longest hug ever and it was lovely to see her. We spent the whole afternoon together, chatting, eating great food and shopping. We went to a fab Italian restaurant in Soho, wondered around and bought make up, and then I insisted upon taking her to First Out for coffee and cake only to find it was closed. So we ended up at the coffee shop in Silver Moon bookshop, where hilariously while I was in the loo, a woman recognised Una and said to Kim, “Haven’t I seen her in First Out?” Kim replied, “Yes you probably have, her owner goes there a lot.” I love how the dog gets noticed but I don’t, haha. It’s because she’s so bloody gorgeous that’s why! Anyway we didn’t stop talking all afternoon, catching up on everything that’s been happening, baring in mind we hadn’t seen each other for three months which is the longest we’ve ever gone without meeting up. Anyway it was fab fab fab to see her and I was sad to leave her and miss her lots! That evening I made my way home and didn’t do a lot, just read a little and went to bed.

Tuesday I took Una to the vets after work and then went out in the evening to the usual Tuesday group meeting. We were small in numbers this week and so decided to go to a bar rather than stay in First Out, and I think everyone had a bit to drink. I also invited the girls to my house warming on Friday, one in particular I was hoping would come because I have a rather large crush on her and she’s very, very attractive and I would quite like to kiss her for hours, hold her hand while walking down the street, cook her some good food, take her to bed and stay awake all night touching and tasting every inch of her body and then hold her while she sleeps in my arms. Anyway that’s besides the point… I left the bar feeling exhausted and crawled in to bed at around midnight.

Wednesday I tried to stay awake at work and then went out again with the same group of girls, lucky me, to a different bar this time. This one was quieter and more chilled and after a couple of diet cokes I gave in and spent the rest of the evening drinking Bailies and trying not to make eyes at the hot hot one. Did I mention that I wanted to kiss her for hours, hold her hand………

Thursday didn’t go especially well. DL called me in the morning on her way to work and we had a huge fight. Basically her birthday is on Monday and she’d said she didn’t want to do anything at the weekend and that she was intending to work instead. She’d been insisting about this for weeks and weeks and I’d asked her if she was sure countless times. So I went ahead and made plans for this weekend, and on Wednesday she dropped into the conversation that we were apparently going for dinner on Saturday night. “No we’re not,” I said, “I’ve made plans because you said you didn’t want to do anything.” So then she flipped out and said that she obviously wasn’t important, blah blah blah, and gave me a huge guilt trip, and to be honest I was so angry because she can be so damn manipulative. Not wanting to do anything turned in to, “I wanted to spend the whole weekend with you,” and I ended up hanging up feeling pissed off and upset and running late for work. We’d planned to see each other that evening to go to the cinema to see Atonement, so we stuck to that and she resigned herself to the fact that because she hadn’t communicated her feelings properly she wasn’t going to get her way this time, it still didn’t stop her feeling sorry for herself though. Jesus Christ, sometimes she can be intolerable. Anyway we had a nice evening even though I was feeling emotional, the film was great, but it didn’t end too well. We were in the car on the way back to my place when I got a text from BB. I’ve basically decided to leave that situation alone because she couldn’t give me what I wanted and I didn’t think I could really be friends with her, and when she texted me all the emotions of the day I’d been holding in just came to the surface and I sat there with tears streaming down my face and staring out the window so that DL wouldn’t see me crying. Of course she picked up that there was something wrong and I said it was nothing, just that it was about some one I’d been sort of seeing. When we got back to my place she hugged me goodbye and that started me off again, and then she started crying and saying that she couldn’t handle me being with other women, that it cut her up and she didn’t know what to do. To be honest I think that we are going to have to have a break from the friendship for at least six months because although she tries to pretend she’s ok with everything, she’s really not, and it’s a year on and she’s still not even beginning to get over the relationship. I know it must sound cruel the fact that we still meet up and spend time together, but I really do think that the break has to be her idea. I’ve tried putting distance between us before with disastrous consequences, and I think the more I push her away the more she’ll keep coming back. So I want it to be her decision because then she’ll be in control of her feelings and maybe taking charge of things will help her get herself back on track. I hope so at least. Anyway after a long chat she left and I went to bed.

On Friday I woke up not feeling much better and went in to work feeling like shit. I sat there wanting to cry for most of the morning, god knows where all this is coming from, I must be due on my period because that’s the only reason I can account for feeling so fucking sensitive about everything. Anyway on Friday afternoon I had my flat to clean and prepare for the party, and the excitement of the night ahead cheered me up. It was a lovely evening, all my friends came and also some people from work, the girls from the gay group including the one I really, really fancy. I put on a bit of food and wore a skirt with a fairly low cut top and sandals, the chocolate fountain came out and the wine was flowing, so much so that towards the end of the night I ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor, woops. Thankfully the crush had left by then so she didn’t see the inebriated me.

So yesterday I woke up not being able to lift my head off the pillow. It felt like a thousand led balls were rolling around in my brain, and after a cup of tea and some tablets I felt only slightly better. I finally got up and cleared away all the empty bottles to be recycled, and did the washing up and hoovered and mopped the floors. That afternoon my blogger friend F was arriving for the weekend so I wanted the place to look nice. Let me give you a brief history of me and F so that you’re up to speed.

We met through blogging just over a year and a half ago, she was living in another country and I was with DL. So we were friends for ages, and then a little while after I finished with DL we started to cross the line of intimacy on the phone. By this time she’d moved to the UK to study and we went on in this fashion for a bit. We stopped talking for a while because I felt she was getting a little intense and I was still quite cut up about the break up, so we sort of fell out and didn’t speak for a few months. When I moved to London I sent her an email saying I hoped that she was ok and that I thought of her, and she got back in touch and we’ve gradually built the friendship back up. She’s somewhat older than myself and we’re from completely different backgrounds and cultures, so it makes for an interesting friendship. We spend hours on the phone debating about all kinds of things, and we have regular and great phone sex. So anyway we’d been talking about meeting for a while now so that we could put faces to voices etc, and this weekend was the date we’d arranged. I was pretty nervous having shared things on the phone but never having met her before, and for the first couple of hours I was a bit quiet and giggly and she kept laughing and saying how nervous I looked. Anyway we ordered take out and chatted for a while and we were both quite tired so went to bed fairly early. We stayed awake and chatted for a while, and I was surprised at how shy and awkward I felt. I’d not backward in coming forward as we all know, but when she’d make a comment eluding to something sexual we’d talked about I’d go red and laugh nervously, even though I just wanted to be as open and forward as she was being inside. After a while of talking I turned on my side and she spooned me, cuddling in close. I think we were both thinking the same thing because after a while of being restrained her hand crept around my waste and the rest as they say, is history. Two orgasms later I was shattered and starting to fall asleep as she was talking to me. I remember muttering my apologies and saying that she’d knocked me out and then I was away with the faeries. We woke quite early this morning and I made tea and we lay in bed chatting for hours. Until I said, “I really want to play with your nipples,” and then it started all over again, the poor neighbours. Feeling satiated we eventually got out of bed at about three, showered and had some food. She left around five and texted a little later to say she’d had a wonderful time. I have to agree. So now I’m catching up with emails and obviously blogging and getting ready for my last week at work. Boohoo! Tomorrow is DL’s birthday so we’re going out for dinner, I hope it goes without incident.