Friday, September 29, 2006

Birthday, blogger friends and back to university

On Friday DL’s birthday celebrations officially started. We went out, just the two of us, to a local gay club that had given her free entry and a bottle of champagne to celebrate her birthday. We went to the Lion’s Lair first for a couple, and then went on to the club. We had a fantastic night, we danced loads and got drunk on half a bottle of champagne each plus other stuff. It was lovely spending time just the two of us and it set the weekend off with a bang. We returned home and fell in to bed at around two, far too drunk to even contemplate making love.

On Saturday morning, DL’s mum arrived at around nine thirty. We were still in bed, having been oblivious to the phone ringing, and only woke up when she buzzed the flat to say she’d arrived. She bought loads of stuff with her, bottles of this and that, flowers and two birthday cakes, croissants and fruit, and we spent most of the morning eating and chatting. In the afternoon we went in to town and had lunch and a mooch around the shops, and Cathy bought Una a new toy which she so far hasn’t put down. When we got back, it was time to give DL the first of her major presents. This was a camcorder from her mother, and we decided she would prefer to have it on the Saturday so that she could record the meal if she wanted too. She absolutely loved it, and totally wasn’t expecting to get it, because I, after buying it for her mother from Meadow hall, had told her that her mother hadn’t gotten her one because DL herself hadn’t chosen one in time, which she was really gutted about. So she was absolutely made up with it, and spent the latter part of the afternoon playing with it.

The meal and drinks were a great success. We met up with Dora, Helen, Sophie, Sarah and Mat for cocktails in town, of which we drank several before moving on to Cubana for tapas. There was, however, a very embarrassing moment, when I didn’t realise DL had gone to sit somewhere else, and groped what I thought was her leg. It turned out to be the leg of Mat, Sarah’s boyfriend, and everyone was in hysterics because I must have gone as red as a beat route. Apart from the venue where we had the meal being extremely loud, making it difficult to have a conversation, we had a great time and the food was gorgeous. We stayed there until about twelve, and then came back home and went to bed.

Sunday was the actual day of DL’s birthday, and we got up fairly early as Cathy had to get back to London by the afternoon. We had breakfast and DL opened all her cards and gifts from everyone else. I saved mine until last because I knew she’d want to fiddle with it for ages, and I was right. I bought her a digital photo display. They’ve only just been bought out and only a few were sold in the shops, it was a pain in the backside to find one and I only knew about it because Hai Man has one. Anyway she was totally surprised yet again because she’d gone through all sorts of things and not even come close to guessing what it was. Her mum left about an hour later, and we went back to bed for a while, and then DL spent ages playing with her new toys while I made us lunch. We were originally supposed to have a picnic in the park, but the weather wasn’t so good, so I made us a buffet lunch indoors instead, which we ate while watching little Britain series 3. We then spent the afternoon testing out the camcorder, (not on anything rude as yet), and watching the l-word. Just before dinner we took the dog for a stroll as it had brightened up somewhat, and then I made DL’s favourite, Thai chicken with rice and stir fry veg. It was a lovely weekend, I hope she enjoyed it!

Monday saw the start of the first semester of my final year at uni, and what a nightmare it was to start with. All of last week I couldn’t access my time table online, and I’d gotten an email from the English department saying there was a problem with the website, so I wasn’t too concerned. By the weekend however, I was worried, and emailed the module coordinator to ask what was going on. Her reply was this:
‘Thanks for your message. It's because you haven't registered yet. As
soon as you do, you will be able to see your level 3 modules and sign-up
for your seminars.’
What? As far as I was aware I had registered by post months ago, which basically meant that the university either hadn’t received the form, or received it and lost it, which sounds more likely to me. Not only does not registering have an effect on signing up for seminars though, it also prevents the student loan from being paid in on time, so I’m still waiting for that to go through. So first thing Monday I went down to the uni with Kim, bless her, and registered for my finals, and then I was able to sign up for seminars. I was panicking so much because it’s basically first come first served, and if all the good ones go you can be left with seminars either first thing in the morning, or on a Friday, which is usually my day off to spend reading and preparing for the next week’s classes. Thankfully I don’t have any on a Friday though, so it worked out ok.

Apart from that uni has been going really well. I’m now working with the dog everyday, and she loves the hustle and bustle of new people and places, you can see the excitement in her whenever we go out. I already have loads of reading to do though, but I’m managing to get a lot of the texts either on audio or online which is useful.

On Tuesday night DL and I went and had dinner with Deadly Female and Sapherine at DF’s house. I wanted to share this because they are the loveliest couple you could ever wish to meet, and, if you ask me, perfectly suited to one another. We arrived about half an hour early because there was no traffic, and were kept entertained by DF’s kids, who are the cutest ever. I’m now very broody thanks to her youngest child, who was full of energy and pelted me with the most bizarre questions. “How do you get blind?” was one of them which is understandable, then I had, “how do old people get false teeth?” among others. I even got a hug goodnight when she went to bed, that kid could seriously get away with murder she’s so sweet. When the kids went to bed we sat chatting for a while, and then we had dinner, which was ciabata bread with pesto, tomatoes and mozzarella, followed by S’s home made chilli which was gorgeous. We also took Una with us, and I was so relieved that she didn’t attempt to go after the cat, they just stared each other out which I can deal with. We had an absolutely lovely evening and DF and S make the sweetest couple.

So that’s what’s been happening in my world, this weekend DL’s cousin is coming to stay and he doesn’t know we’re together (yet), so that’ll be interesting. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to write about at least.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Still here.

I’m still here, I just keep meaning to blog and never get round to it.

Last weekend was kind of an up and down weekend of sorts. While we were supposed to be getting ready to go out clubbing, DL and I somehow ended up having this huge in depth discussion, that I really don’t have the energy to even begin to explain right now. The basics were that I confessed that while she was away I didn’t really miss her, and was glad of the time apart, and that I wasn’t sure I feel about her the way you should feel about your partner. I don’t know whether it’s just a settling down contentment I feel, we’ve been together for two years after all, or whether I’m just happy with the life/house/car/domesticity we have, rather than the relationship itself. We both got quite upset, and DL asked if I wanted a break. I said that I didn’t, and even if I did it would be almost impossible as we live in the same house. We chatted about lots of things, and decided to see how it goes. This week has been great, although we’ve not seen as much of each other as usual as we’ve both been busy. For now we’re trying not to put too many demands on one another, just enjoying each day at a time. The last thing I want is to leave her, I just feel like some one has put my emotions on ice, and I don’t really feel much of anything at the moment. I still haven’t cried properly since I returned from Africa, and I’m just sort of going along day to day just getting on with things, I feel like I need something to make me snap out of the numbness I seem to have gotten myself in too.

Apart from that, my mother’s been to stay, and we’ve also been looking after Albert for the week, which we won’t be doing again in a hurry. To be honest he’s been a pain in the arse, growling at Una if she gets too close, lying in her bed, which means she has nowhere to lie because his bed is too small for her, and generally competing for attention. He also goes mad when I take Una out and leave him behind, barking and standing by the door, which he’s always done, but it makes it hard to get her out without him sneaking through too. I think my dad’ll have to find another dog sitter if he goes away for long periods of time in future. Una’s also cut her foot quite badly on a walk today and it keeps bleeding, but because the vets are closed at this time I’ve just bandaged it up, and if it’s no better by tomorrow I’ll take her then. I also joined the local LGB choir this week, and was very nervous about going, but it was fantastic and I’ll definitely be a regular member there. I’ve also started on protein shakes to help shed the pounds, I haven’t put on any weight in the past few months, but can’t seem to get down past a certain weight, so I’m hoping these will give me a kick start.

This weekend it’s DL’s birthday. Tomorrow night we plan to go out just the two of us, as she has VIP entry in to a local gay club, then on Saturday her mum is coming up, as well as Baby G, and a group of us are going out for cocktails and tapas. Then on Sunday I’m taking her for a picnic in the park if the weather’s nice, and then I’ll cook a romantic meal in the evening. Hopefully that’ll all make her feel special and a bit more loved, she’s still convinced I’m going to end things. I’ve also gotten her a great present, well if it was for me I would love it anyway, and I think she will too. The weekend after that her cousin is coming, and the one after that it’s our two year anniversary. We’re also going to the York Lesbian Arts Festival at the end of October, to see Christina Aguilera in concert in November, and to see Pink in December, so lots to look forward too. We’re also hoping to meet up with Deadly Female and Saphirine for dinner next week before she whizzes back off to the US.
Now I’m going to go and call Hai Man, who apparently isn’t enjoying herself in Belgium to find out what’s going on, and then we’ll settle down for another instalment of The L-word.

Afterthought: I’m stealing an idea from Creepy Lesbo, and leaving my msn details here, so feel free to add me for a chat. It’ll be interesting to see how many or what kinds of people read my blog.


Thursday, September 14, 2006

Dads, Dogs and Downloads

A couple of hours after my last post, the telephone rang.
Me: 'Hello?'
My dad sounding sheepish: 'Hello my darling'.
Me not sounding impressed: 'Hi'.
Dad: 'I just thought I'd ring you back, because I was sitting here cutting the dog and feeling guilty about the way I spoke to you earlier.'
Me feeling hopeful: 'Oh right.'
He then went on to explain how stressed he was, but the best part of the conversation for me, apart from the appology was, 'You were right, and that's why I got annoyed really. I am unorganised and I should have made sure the dog was cut, that's why I'm doing it myself now.' Really, it was so nice to hear him sounding appologetic, because I was feeling quite upset about it all, so we're fine now anyway.

So the dog is here and he does look better. He's so so so short now, he's almost bald lol, but he looks much better after I bathed him this morning. The two dogs are getting on so so, they seem to be competeing for the higher rank in the pack, moreover, Albert is bullying Una and keeps growling at her, which he got a thorough bollocking and a hard slap for today. Apart from that they're fine though. Which is more than I can say for me.

Six thirty this morning. DL has gotten out of bed, I am half asleep. I hear her calling first Una and then Albert to go out for a wee. The two run back in together. Their beds are both in our room, but they neglect them entirely and decide its time to wake up mum. Firstly Albert jumps on the bed, walks up my body and sits on my chest with one paw over my wind pipe. I can't breathe. Then, Una being the jealous cow she is, decides she wants a cuddle, jumps up, and sits on my rib cage. Now Albert I could just about move if I wanted too, a 29 KG labradoor however is another matter, especially when your breathing is being obstructed by the paw of a King Charles Spaniel. 'DL! DL!' I croke, she doesn't hear me however because she is putting the washing machine on. So after some considerable effort on my part, i manage to riggle out from under the dogs, and get up. By this time I was wide awake and so have been up since then. Little sods!

Some exciting news though. I have managed to download series 3 of The L-word off the internet as we don't have cable TV in our house, so DL and I are going to start watching it now, woohoo! I've also finally gotten to the end of Middlemarch, which is nearly a thousand pages long, so I'm congratulating myself. I now have to start on Great Expectations, which I've both read and seen before so that shouldn't be too bad. Bye for now, the lesbians from LA require my full attention!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Taking the Piss!

It's things like this that make me wish I were a naturally selfish person.

For months my dad has been planning a holiday away with his new girlfriend. He didn't know where they would go, but he did know that it would be some time in September, and asked me ages ago if I would look after the family dog for ten days while they were away. This I have absolutely no problem with. What I do have issues with is the fact that I feel like he's completely taking the piss. Albert is a King Charles, and so naturally has long, curly hair. When we lived together as a family my mum always used to get him booked in to be cut, so that for the most part his hair remained very short. This was done for a number of reasons, primarily because when his hair is long, he makes an awful mess, especially when he's been out for a walk, and he also doesn't smell so good either because the hair on his ears dangles in his food, and when he pees it often catches the hair on his under belly. The hair also collects more dirt as longer hair does, and it used to take my mum ages to clean the house if his hair was long.

Since the dog has moved to live with my dad however, his hair is long for the most part, and my dad doesn't seem to notice the negatives. But whenever he comes to stay he always has to be cut, so that i can keep the house clean. This means for the most part that he doesn't get cut until he arrives, and DL and I have to take him to be done because my dad hasn't been organised well enough to do it himself. We've never minded too much, we always book him in in advance, so that it gets done within a couple of days of his arrival, and that way the house is easier to manage. I should also add that my poor little dog has a bit of a problem with his man parts, and this means that he often dribbles spunk, disgusting I know. So you can see why, with that added bonus, I think not, I'm especially keen to create as few difficulties as possible.

So getting back to my origional gripe. My dad has known for months that the dog will be coming here sometime in September. He also knew that DL would be starting back at work full time, and so we wouldn't be able to take him to be cut, which meant that my dad would have to do it. I've reminded him more or less everytime I've seen him that he needs to get the dog cut before he comes here, especially now with the added mess of having my own dog to take care of. About ten minutes ago, I had a phone call from my dad, saying that he had a million and one things to do before he goes away on Thursday, that he'd rang around and couldn't get the dog booked in anywhere, and that he didn't have time to do it himself. Impressed? I think not! He makes me so angry because he knows that to book the dog in you have to phone up weeks in advance as they tend to be really busy, and when did he bother to phone them? Two fucking days before his fucking holiday. This wouldn't be so bad if he could do it himself, but he's so unorganised that he hasn't washed or ironed any clothes to go away, his car has broken down and so now is having a major stress. I told him that I wasn't happy, and reminded him that he said he'd get it done, and also told him how much extra work it creates for me when the dog is like that. Bare in mind that he and the dog came over the other day to see how the two dogs got along, and Albert looked disgusting. My dad doesn't seem to notice how awful the dog looks, he hadn't been brushed in weeks, desperately needed a bath, and his hair was so long he stank. Most of this I could take care of myself, apart from the cutting of the hair, and like I said DL is at work so we can't take him somewhere. I'm especially pissed off because I told dad I wasn't happy with the way the dog looked and smelled, and he promised he'd get it sorted out. Furthermore it's DL's birthday the day after he's being collected, and I want the house to look lovely for when friends and family come over, and my dad knew that. That ain't gonna happen with a manky dog around the place.

You might be thinking give the poor man a break, but he's like this all the time over one thing or another, leaving things until the last minute, and he doesn't seem to appreciate how much it inconveniences others. DL's not too impressed about having to have the dog anyway, because she'll have to get up even earlier to take him for a walk, so it'll mean extra hastle for her too, but we obliged because he's the family dog and I wouldn't want to put my dad out and say no when I know he's stuck for people to look after him. I basically inferred as politely as I could that it was due to his poor organisation that this had happened, and that I wouldn't be at all happy if he wasn't cut. His parting response was, "So everything's left to me as usual." I bit back the response that "well he is your dog and therefore your responsibility," and in the end he practically hung up on me because he was so mad. I should also explain that he's got an incredibly short temper, and if he hadn't hung up he would have gone purple in the face and screamed at me down the phone. Last year we had a huge argument about the dog, because he leaves him for twelve hours at a time, sometimes more when he goes out, and in my oppinion that's neglect and not at all fair on the poor thing. I tried to talk to him rassionally about getting a dog sitter, or some one to come and walk him, and he got in my face and shouted that there was nothing wrong with the way he takes care of the dog, and we ended up having an almighty argument, because no one screams in my fucking face, not even my dad. There was a lot of bad feeling for months after that, and to be honest I can see this going the same way. He'll blame me and say that I'm not considerate of how much he has to do before the holiday, but to be frank I really feel like he's taking the absolute piss. It's like he thinks I don't have things to do, and I don't want a clean house, (his isn't especially great in my oppinion), and I have days on end to spend going around after the dog with a mop.

I just feel like I've had the favour I'm doing him thrown back in my face, he's not paying for the dog to go in to kennels, he knows he'll be walked twice a day, fed properly, played with and loved, so there's nothing to worry about, and all I ask him to do in return is this one small thing that makes my life ten times easier when I look after him. I mean, you wouldn't send your child to some one to look after looking and smelling filthy, with dirty clothes and hair, so why should it be any different with an animal? I'm just really annoyed, and wish he wouldn't take it for granted that I'll have the dog no matter what state he's in. And I feel like I can't explain to him how upset I am about it, because he'll just fly off the handle. I can't talk to my mum about it either, because if she knows he's upset me she'll give him ten rounds of F's, and I don't want there to be any bad feeling.

So two sinarios will happen now:
A: the dog will arrive with long, dirty hair, my dad will half appologise but know there's nothing i can do about it now that I have him to stay, and I won't say anything because I don't want to end up in a confrontation with him.
B: the dog will arrive freshly cut, and my dad will have an attitude with me for apparently forcing him in to doing it, resulting in my feeling guilty, when in fact the fault lies purely with him.
I can't win either way.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Thoughts of you (explicit)

It is the night before. I stand perfectly naked beneath the spray of the shower, the radio playing sultry rhythm and blues, while I cent my body and soap my hair. You knock softly, then enter the bathroom, the steam from the hot water clouding your glasses and the mirror above the basin. You sit observing me through the misted glass, and I feel like an exotic bird preening herself in time for the mating season.
I stretch my arms high making my firm round breasts lift and tremble, the small pink nipples made hard by the flow of the water. All the time I am washing and luxuriating under the force from the shower head above me, I am also aware of a slow pulsing, almost in time with the beat of the music it seems, coming from between my legs. I know we will make love tonight, after I have towel dried my body and blow dried my hair. I know that we will lay upon the crisp white sheets of our bed, and link our bodies and minds together, so that they will become fused, soldered in to one hot point of burning exploding ecstasy that we will share together.

My body still in the shower, my mind somewhere else, I lean forward and remove a razor from its cradle on the tiled window sill, and taking a squirt of foaming jell in my hand, I spread my legs before the glass and apply the blade to the most delicate area of my body. You are watching my movements avidly, and this gives me a feeling I can’t describe, a buzz, a thrill, it makes me ache for you, and as my fingers brush over my clit it sits up and starts paying attention. I am so excited by your intense gaze, because I know you love my pussy best when it is smooth, and as I guide the blade along my labia and across my pubic bone, I know that the revealing of the soft pink flesh the hair leaves behind is making you wet.

When I am through shaving, I replace the razor, and wash myself one final time to remove any lingering hairs, and then when I am totally satisfied that I cannot make myself any smoother, I step forward and turn off both the radio and the jet of water. As I step out of the shower you are there, waiting to envelop me in a large soft towel, but as we kiss, and pin points of water trickle down my back and breasts, we both become transfixed with our mutual desire, and you bend to stroke my freshly shaven cunt with the tips of your fingers. My clit is now in overdrive mode, she is standing up, screaming out to be caressed, and so I squat down and sit on the floor at the entrance to the shower cubicle, leaning back so that the lower half of my body protrudes from the doorway. Instinctively you know what I want, and you drop to your knees and take my buttocks in your two hands, spreading them wide. I arch my back and tilt my pelvis up to your lowering face, wrap my legs around your neck, and with my feet on your back, use my strong thighs to pull you downwards until your tongue touches my warm, wet slit. As you taste me for the first time we both cry out, me from the sheer exhilaration of feeling your tongue on my most sensitive area, and you from the feel of my smooth skin rubbing against your face, and the taste of my fresh, hot juices. I lie there my head far back in the cubicle, my back sliding around on the slippery surface where the water has not had time to dry, my legs as wide as the opening to the shower will allow, and you, dipping your tongue inside me and then licking, flicking, circling and sucking all the way from my clit to my arse. I think I will come there and then, in fact I’m sure I will if you don’t stop, and my mind and body are in battle, my mind telling my hands to push you away so that I don’t come, at the same time as my back arches up, and my fingers close around your hair to pull you in deeper. After some time we both know that soon I will reach the point of no return, and there is something we both want to do before that happens. Reluctantly you pull away and wipe your face, and I, struggling to stand, rise and wrap myself in a towel. By now you are in the bedroom, and I know instinctively what you will be doing. I linger in the bathroom to ring out my hair, and to enjoy the wetness between my legs as I move about, and then I follow you through to the bedroom.

You are, as I knew you would be, bent over, your head under the desk, rummaging in our special, private box. Impatiently I grip your hips from behind, and you laugh and tell me to wait a minute. I throw myself on to the bed, towel flying open, legs apart, and seeing my immediate need you pass me my favourite little toy, tiny, yet lethal. Straight away I take it in my hand, pressing the remote control to activate the vibrations. I lubricate it with my own wetness, and then slide it back and forth over my clit, again and again, moving it away when I feel as though I will come. As you prepare to fuck me, you watch my actions, and I know you are watching because you love to see me do it. You love it when I am as horny as hell, when I ache and moan and beg you to have me. Now that you are ready, I slide over to the other side of the bed, and you lie down on your back, and wait for me to climb on top. We are kissing now, and as our tongues touch and intertwine, so do our body’s as I throw a leg over your hips, grip your shoulders with my hands, and lower myself on to you. As you start to feel me, you moan and pull me down harder, thrusting the shaft between your legs deep inside me. I rock on the hardness, feeling it prise me open, feeling my clit touch your skin as I take the full thrust of it inside me. By now we are both crying out, you are bucking your hips higher and higher, and I am lifting then dropping, lifting then dropping, my large firm breasts bouncing up and down in your face, my hair streaming over your own breasts as we fuck. As the tension inside me builds, we go faster and faster, until eventually you are pounding in to me, and I am open, wide open to you, thrusting my cunt that is now on fire down upon you harder and harder. The leather holding the shaft creeks, and I know the straps between your legs will be saturated by now with your own juices. The vibrator at my clit pulses harder, higher, and I feel it now, building, intensifying, starting deep within me and moving outwards. You can see it in my face, and you pump harder and harder, crying out, gripping my shoulders as I sink my teeth in to yours. I am an animal now, a wild beast, longing, wanting, reckless, heedless of everything outside my own intense, exquisite pleasure, and as I come I throw my head back and let out a guttural roar, a cry that pierces my brain and is the only way I know how to express the pulsing, aching, throbbing, burning that possesses my entire being.

Afterwards, we lie trembling, sweating and gasping. I’m still on top of you, the tip of the shaft is still inside me, and we are clinging on to one another as though we are drowning. You can feel the after effects of my climax, as my muscles clench and relax around the dildo, and teasingly you push ever so slightly in to me, my own sensitivity making me shudder with every stroke.

I thought of that today while you were gone, it’s been on my mind all day. So much so in fact that the aching between my legs started up again, and unable to wait until you got home, I went to our special box, drew out two of my favourites and then lay on the bed and made fervent love to my own body until I climaxed again. Your reaction when I tell you I’ve masturbated is changeable. Sometimes it turns you on, and other times you become anxious that I am pleasuring myself because you may not be pleasuring me completely. But today my darling, you can sleep soundly in the knowledge that my need for self indulgence is a result of the ecstasy your love making brings, and the thoughts it leaves behind.

Thursday, September 07, 2006


I’m feeling annoyed! That’s the only word I can think of to describe the niggling in my head. It began last night for no proper reason at all really, DL and I had returned home after going for a meal with a lesbian group we’ve discovered, which went really well considering we were both slightly terrified about walking in to a restaurant and sitting down at a table of people we’d never met before. I was reading more of Tipping the Velvet to her as we lay together in bed, and after a while I heard her breathing change. I asked her if she was asleep and she murmured that she’d been dozing. That’s when it started, I just wanted to say, “If you’ve been dozing and not paying attention for however long why didn’t you stop me?” I’ve no idea why I was so vexed, she’d been up since six and was bound to be tired by ten, it was quite irrational but I couldn’t stop myself from sounding pissed off. So I put the book down and went to fetch one I’d been reading alone, the new Sarah Waters novel The Night Watch. So I started reading that to let DL sleep, and then she started talking to me, so I kept stopping and starting reading in order to talk to her, and after about half an hour she asked if I was horny. When I replied a little, she tried to turn me on, but that made me even more annoyed because I knew she was only doing it to please me, and that really she wanted to go to sleep, not make love, and I didn’t want it to be like that, so after asking her to stop repeatedly I finally snapped at her and pushed her away. She didn’t understand why I was so pissed off, and to be honest I wasn’t really in the mood to explain. I just told her to go to sleep, and we fell in to angry silence and ended up going to sleep upset with each other for really stupid reasons.

I think it was more my fault than hers, because I feel the same this morning. I’m not annoyed at her anymore, when she got up for work I made an effort to wake up and gave her a cuddle and apologised before she left. But now I’m pissed off with everything else. Mainly the flat. Since having the dog, it’s not been properly clean, and I’m getting so frustrated with it. As soon as I’ve hoovered there are dog hairs on the floor. The rug in the living room and the bedroom carpets, both being thick, have hairs stuck in them, and I really have to go at them to even get the surface ones off. The dog’s hair is very short with her being a labradoor, so they’re the type that get stuck and won’t come out, like pine needles off a Christmas tree. And it’s driving me mad! I just want clean floors and carpets, and it seems to be impossible unless I spend at least an hour working on the carpets every day. I know it’s not the dog’s fault, and that’s a small negative in comparison to the positive aspects of having her, but right now I just feel like I want to go away somewhere while some one scrubs the place with bleach from top to bottom and have it stay like that for a few days at least. The thought has crossed my mind of having some one come in once a week to really go over the carpets and do the hair that I’ve missed, but we can’t realistically afford that. Oh and on top of that my dad’s coming today with Beby Hound to see how the two dogs get along, as we’re looking after BH in a couple of weeks when dad goes on holiday, so that’ll be twice the amount of cleaning!

Ignore me, I know I’m just moaning for nothing, I just needed a place to vent. I think the reason for my hypersensitivity is that I’m due on my period any day now, so that kind of justifies why I feel like stabbing someone! And if my dad dares pass comment on how the place is looking, he might be the one that gets it!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

A break at last!

This past week or so has been wonderfully relaxing. I honestly feel, what with the trip to Africa and then the guide dog training that I haven’t had a proper break since finishing uni, and it’s about to start again in a couple of weeks. But since qualifying with Una last Wednesday, woohoo, I’ve actually had time to relax and potter around a bit.

On Sunday DL returned from a week away in Dorset with her family, for the first half of which Baby G came to stay. It was so lovely spending some quality time with her, it’s something we’ve not done for ages, because when I’m in London I’m usually here there and everywhere and don’t really get time to have a propper catch up without either having to be somewhere or other people being there as well. But from the Friday until last Wednesday it was just the two, or should I say the three of us including Una. We cooked together, chatted for hours, went for a meal with Sarah and Mat on the Saturday night, and spent all of Monday afternoon with them in the pub. On Tuesday my mum arrived with my step sister to stay for the night before we drove back to her house, and we went out for something to eat and then in the morning the three of them stayed here while I went on my qualifying walk with the dog.

I was absolutely over the moon when they told me I’d passed, because I was so nervous I didn’t think I had. Qualifying means that I’m now allowed to work her on my own, I have the harness and a certificate and everything! It’s great! And I can now start to learn new routes with her as well. On Wednesday afternoon I said goodbye to Baby G, and then we all set off in the car for the two hour drive to mum’s. I was a bit concerned about how the dog would react to going somewhere else so soon after getting settled in here, and for the first day or so she was very clingy, but after that she was fine.

On Wendesday night I went out for a meal with Dad, and on Thursday I spent time catching up with family. On Friday morning I met up with Pam for coffee, and then in the afternoon went shopping with Hai Man, to see her for the last time before she goes on her year abroad. I arrived back on Saturday and DL got home late Sunday afternoon. I’d really missed her, and I think the time apart did us the world of good, it’s a joy to be around each other at the moment, especially because she’s started a job at a new school and so is at work all day. We’ve also had both emotionally and physically mind blowing sex since she got back, so I’m smiling! I’ve also thought of the perfect birthday present for her, but I’ll have to reveal all after the event I’m afraid.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with Kim, and further plans for this week include meeting up with Sarah either this afternoon or in the morning, shopping for shoes, a meal out with a lesbian group we’ve discovered which we’re both quite nervous about, a visit from my dad and Albert, trying to get through as much of Middlemarch as is possible without being bored to death, and meeting up for a drink with Helen.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Family Values

This week DL has been away to Dorset on holiday with her family. I’ll write more about that in another post, but first I want to write about a conversation we had late Thursday night.

We got in to a really deep discussion purely by accident, after DL mentioned that her dad had made some derogatory comment about a lesbian on the TV. DL is not out to any of her family except for her mother, and we started to discuss how to go about telling the rest of them. Basically she’s afraid of their reactions as a lot of them are older and have very closed minds when it comes to homosexuality. Now so far the plan is to spend this coming xmas at DL’s parents’ house, and I thought the plan was to tell them before then, otherwise people will naturally ask why I’m there rather than at my own parents’ house. But now it’s coming to the crunch, DL is terrified and doesn’t know how to tell them.

Her main fear is that it’ll get back to her nan, who is 86 years old, and who she’s certain will have a heart attack if she finds out we’re a couple. The conversation got more heated than I meant it too, because I find it frustrating that we have to hide our relationship. She mentioned that her cousin who is in his thirties wanted to come visit, and I asked whether we would have to pretend to be just friends or if she was going to tell him. When she said she had no plans to tell him, I got really angry and upset to be honest, because that’ll more than likely mean he’ll insist on having the couch, and I’ll be relegated to the spare room, having no excuse to share with DL, something which I refuse to do in my own home. I totally understand why she’s frightened of telling the family, but part of me is also hurt that she won’t acknowledge our relationship after two years of us being together. I also posed the question that what if her plan to propose to me had worked last month and we’d gotten engaged, what would she have told her family then when she went back to visit and everyone saw the ring? Surely “HMF and I are a couple and by the way we’re engaged, wanna come to the wedding?” would be much more of a shock to them than them just finding out we’re together? Or maybe she meant us to take the rings off when we went to visit, something which I also refuse to do. I might sound unreasonable, but I’m so proud of who we are both as lesbians and as a couple, that I’ll only hide it if I think it’s crucial, like in front of her nan for example, not in front of the whole family, especially if we were engaged. So the end result was that I told her not to even think of asking me to marry her until she’s told the family, that way everything can be out in the open. I also said that she could invite whoever she wants to the house, but when we’re in our own home as far as I’m concerned I’m not hiding the fact that we’re together. There are pictures of us all over the flat for Christ sake, it’s pretty obvious anyway I would say. So now she has however long she needs, but I get the feeling we won’t be getting engaged for a very long time now.

Another thing is that her mum is no help at all. She insists she's perfectly fine with us being together and all, but when DL talks about telling her dad and possibly the rest of the family, her mother's response is, "why do they need to know, it's none of their business?" That's all well and good, but what about when we get married, what if we have kids? They're going to have to know sooner or later, and we both get the impression that her mum pretends to be more comfortable with our relationship than she actually is, and that's why she doesn't want the rest of them to find out. It's all so complicated, and I feel like I'm not being fair because I've been out to my family for years, I guess I forget how hard it was when i did it and I'm perhaps too hard on DL for that reason. I'm also dreading xmas if we have to pretend to be just friends in front of the family. It's not just the more openly affectionate things that bother me, and if you're in a closetted relationship, you'll know it's the little things, the touch of a hand, the looks, constantly thinking about your body language and how you talk to your partner. I just feel like whenever her family are around I'm putting on an act, not being who I really am, curbing the part of me that is madly in love with my beautiful partner, and it's eating away at me. I know it must be a million times worse for DL, but I just don't know how long this facade will have to go on for before it's out in the open, and I think the longer she leaves it, the harder it'll be. What are your views on the matter, do you think I’m being unreasonable in wanting some acknowledgement as her partner after two years of living together? Or do you think I should just put my feelings aside and be patient? Right now I feel torn between the two.