EXPOSED
THIS WEEK IS TURNING OUT TO BE QUITE A WEEK FOR SOCIAL EVENTS AND MEETING NEW PEOPLE. I’VE MAINLY BEEN GOING TO STUFF ORGANISED BY PEOPLE FROM THE BOARDS ON GB, SIGNIFICANT BECAUSE MY BLOG IS LINKED TO MY PROFILE ON THAT SITE. SOMETHING THAT WAS BOUGHT TO MY ATTENTION WHEN CHATTING TO PEOPLE IS HOW MANY PEOPLE ACTUALLY CLICK ON THE LINK AND READ IT. BECAUSE MY OLDER FRIENDS KNOW I HAVE A BLOG AND SOME HAVE BLOGS THEMSELVES WE RARELY SPEAK ABOUT WHAT I WRITE, UNLESS IT IS DRAWN TO THEIR ATTENTION FOR A SPECIFIC REASON. BUT A COUPLE OF TIMES THIS WEEK MY BLOG HAS BEEN MENTIONED BY PEOPLE I DON’T REALLY KNOW. NICE IN ONE WAY BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY HAVING A READERSHIP IS KIND OF IMPORTANT TO ME, IT’S GOOD TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE COME BACK TO IT TO FIND OUT HOW I’M DOING OR WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON, BUT MY READERSHIP HAS UP UNTIL NOW BEEN VERY CLOSE FRIENDS OR PEOPLE I DON’T KNOW. SO WHAT I DID FIND DISCONCERTING WAS THE THOUGHT THAT ANYONE WHO I MIGHT MEET WHO READS THE BLOG GETS A VERY DETAILED AND FRANK DESCRIPTION OF MY PRIVATE LIFE, WHILE I KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT THEM. NOW WE ALL KNOW THAT I’M USUALLY VERY OPEN, I’M PROUD OF MY SEXUALITY AND I’M HARDLY A WALL FLOWER, BUT I COULDN’T HELP FEELING A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN, ON GOING TO A MEET LAST NIGHT FOR LOCAL LESBIANS, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE REFERED TO THE SEX PARTY I’D BEEN TO. DON’T GET ME WRONG, IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO DISCUSS THINGS LIKE THAT, IF I WRITE ABOUT THEM AND PUT MY THOUGHTS OUT THERE FORE EVERYONE TO READ IT’S HARDLY SURPRISING THAT PEOPLE WILL COMMENT. IT JUST CONCERNS ME SLIGHTLY THAT SOME ONE WHO I COULD POTENTIALLY END UP DATING MIGHT HAPPEN TO CLICK ON TO MY BLOG, AND KNOW MY RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUAL HISTORY OF THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS, WHEREAS I HARDLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM, AT ALL. I GUESS WHAT I WAS FEELING WHEN THE TOPIC CAME UP LAST NIGHT WAS AN IMBALANCE OF KNOWLEDGE. THAT SOME OF MY MOST PRIVATE THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND FANTASIES WERE COMMON KNOWLEDGE TO THESE PEOPLE, WHEREAS I WAS ONLY JUST BEGINNING TO EVEN KNOW THEM. I GUESS IT JUST TAKES A BIT OF GETTING USED TOO, BUT I HAVE CONSIDERED REMOVING THE LINK FROM THIS PARTICULAR SITE SO THAT FEWER PEOPLE I MIGHT HAPPEN TO MEET SOCIALLY HAVE ACCESS TO THE BLOG. IT MIGHT JUST MAKE ME FEEL A BIT MORE COMFORTABLE ABOUT SAYING WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY, RATHER THAN WORRYING IT MIGHT COME UP WITH SOME ONE I’M ON A DATE WITH, OR GETTING TO KNOW SOCIALLY. IT COMES BACK TO THE FACT THAT THERE’S ALWAYS A BATTLE WITH BLOGGING IN TERMS OF PRIVACY. DO YOU REMAIN COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS, NOT DISCLOSE YOUR IDENTITY TO ANYONE, NOT LINK YOUR BLOGS ANYWHERE ONLINE? OR DO YOU DO AS I HAVE CHOSEN TO, AND BE COMPLETELY OPEN, NO HIDDEN IDENTITIES, WRITE FRANKLY AND HONESTLY AND JUST DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT PEOPLE PROBABLY KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU DO THEM.
ANYWAY, ENOUGH OF MY PRIVACY CONCERNS…
I MET A LOVELY GROUP OF WOMEN ON MONDAY NIGHT. I WENT TO A MEET FOR FEMMES WHO LIKE FEMMES AT A BAR IN TOWN AND IT WAS GREAT. THERE WERE SOME EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN PRESENT WHICH IS ALWAYS A BONUS, AND I MADE FRIENDS WITH A REALLY LOVELY COUPLE WHO I’VE INVITED ROUND FOR DINNER SOMETIME. ON TUESDAY MY MOTHER ARRIVED FOR HER BIRTHDAY WITH MY UNCLE IN TOE WHICH WAS A SURPRISE, AND I TOOK THEM TO COVENT GARDEN WHERE WE DID SOME SHOPPING AND I BOUGHT A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS AND SOME NEW TIMS, AND IN THE EVENING WE WENT TO AN IRANIAN RESTAURANT RECOMMENDED BY A WOMAN FROM THE FEMMES MEET. THE FOOD WAS DELICIOUS, ALTHOUGH GETTING MY FAMILY TO APPRECIATE FOOD THAT ISN’T BRITISH OR ITALIAN IS QUITE DIFFICULT. LAST NIGHT I WENT TO A MEET UP FOR GAY WOMEN IN THE LOCAL AREA, WHICH WAS GOOD BECAUSE A I DIDN’T HAVE TO TRAVEL VERY FAR AND B IT’S NICE TO GET TO KNOW PEOPLE WHO LIVE FAIRLY LOCALLY. TONIGHT I HAVE A DATE WHICH I’M QUITE LOOKING FORWARD TOO, I’VE ONLY SPOKEN TO THE WOMAN I’M MEETING ONLINE SO IT’LL BE INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT SHE IS LIKE. SPEAKING OF WHICH I’D BETTER GO AND GET READY OR I’LL BE LATE.
** ** **
JUST GOT BACK FROM THE DATE, WHICH WAS VERY NICE. THE WOMAN I MET WAS INTELLIGENT, A GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST AND SHE MADE ME LAUGH WHICH IS ALWAYS GOOD. MY POINT WAS PROVEN ENTIRELY THOUGH WHEN, PART WAY THROUGH DINNER SHE SAID, “SO… I’VE READ SOME OF YOUR BLOG.” IMMEDIATELY MY HEART SANK AND I KNEW WHAT WAS COMING NEXT. “DID YOU REALLY GO TO THAT SEX PARTY?”
SO AFTER WE DISCUSSED SAID PARTY I COULDN’T HELP SAYING, “OK SO NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME YOUR SEXUAL HISTORY.” AND I DID EXPLAIN TO HER THAT THE IMBALANCE MADE ME SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE. WE HAD A LAUGH ABOUT IT THOUGH AND MY SEXUAL ANTICS DIDN’T SEEM TO PHASE HER. MAYBE IT COULD BE A GOOD THING THAT WOMEN KNOW HOW ADVENTUROUS I CAN BE BECAUSE THEN THEY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE LETTING THEMSELVES IN FOR, HEEHEE. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I REALLY AM GOING TO REMOVE THE LINK BECAUSE I WOULD MUCH RATHER MY ADVENTUROUS SIDE BE BOUGHT UP IN CONVERSATION BECAUSE I WANT IT TO BE, NOT BECAUSE SOME ONE HAS READ ALL ABOUT IT. I HAD A LOVELY EVENING THOUGH AND CAN SEE A POTENTIAL FRIENDSHIP FORMING IF NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS. SO WHAT’S THE PLANB FOR THE WEEKEND? I’M OUT TOMORROW NIGHT, AND THEN I’M NOT SURE WHAT’S GOING ON THE REST OF THE TIME, THIS IS THE WEEKEND I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOING TO THE LESBIAN ARTS FESTIVAL WITH DL WHICH I’M OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO NOW, SO MAYBE I’LL DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS INSTEAD.
Also, appologies if this post has come out in capital letters, my lap top appears to be having a fit.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Plucking up the courage
Last night I went to my usual Tuesday meeting. I was standing outside the tube waiting for the girl i was supposed to be meeting and it got to about fifteen minutes after the time we were supposed to hook up. I'd tried to call her and kept getting diverted so figured she was still underground. Just as I was starting to get concerned she came out of the station, kissed my cheek and appologised for being late. Right behind her was my crush. I totally didn't expect that and was pleasantly surprised, although I found myself being slightly annoyed that they had turned up together which is totaly rediculous because the other girl is in a relationship. Anyway we walked to the bar and en route stopped at Coffee Cake and Kink. I'd never been in there and I didn't realise it was a cafe combined with a sex shop until we stopped outside and I asked what the Kink was. "I'll show you," said the girl who isn't my crush and in we went. So there I was looking at whips and sex toys, different dildos and butt plugs with my crush standing right there. Hint, never go in to a sex shop with some one you fancy, it's very awkward and it makes you feel very uncomfortable, especially as I kept visualising using the dildos, whips etc on her, imagining her expression as I fucked her. So on we went to the bar and ordered food, my stomach lurching when our hands touched when we exchanged money. I sound so silly, but she is unbelievably attractive, you know when you just feel like some one is too beautiful? They stand out a mile in a room and they don't even realise it? Well she's like that. Last night she seemed more chatty than usual, kept asking me questions and saying how much she enjoyed the party. I can't tell if she even likes me in that way, I'm not sure whether I'm reading too much in to things which I probably am. But when on the way out she took my hand to guide me through some tables, I nearly fainted. She has the softest skin in the world and I didn't want her to let go. We walked arm in arm all the way back to the tube and on departing she kissed me on both cheeks, her hair brushing against my face. I want to pluck up the courage to ask her on a date, but I'm not sure I have the nerve. I just feel like she's way out of my league, plus we see each other socially and if she turned me down I would feel incredibly embarrassed every time I saw her. I met up with the other girl today for lunch, I'll have to give her a name, and kind of told her about my crush and she said that she would do some subtle digging for me to find out if she's interested, but I'm not the most patient of people. I'm resisting the urge to text her and ask how her day is going. So what to do... Should I go for it? Or just leave it for a while and see if she makes a move? Advice please!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Sounding off
Forgive this post, it’s more for my own peace of mind than anything else, and I’m hoping that writing it will help me lay the situation to rest a little.
Apparently some of the things I’ve said in my blog have offended BB. Some of these things I totally didn’t mean to come across as offensive, like calling the stuff with her ex, “her shit”, and others were written because they were how I felt at the time. Anyway, my writing and her reading has resulted in her being very angry and upset and now she isn’t talking to me. I think one thing I’m beginning to realise since starting a blog is that sometimes things come across in a way I don’t want them too when I write them down, and I forget that those who read don’t actually see the whole picture, only what I choose to share on here. I think that sometimes I come across as a bit of a bitch when totally not meaning too, and I’m not bitchy in the slightest, hopefully those who see me in my everyday life can testify to that. But this situation with BB has really bothered me and still is because it isn’t resolved, so here’s what I think of it.
I met BB within a few days of us exchanging messages. When we spoke on the phone I immediately knew there was a connection there because like I said before I could have spoken to her all night. She wanted to meet the very next day and because I took a real liking to her I agreed and we went on a date, and the rest is history. But in the few weeks I’ve known her I’ve felt such a tumult of emotions it’s affected me in a big way. The first night we spent together was totally amazing as we all know and it completely blew me away. It wasn’t just about the sex, it was the chemistry, the emotional intensity I felt, basically she made me feel loved even though we weren’t in love and that was something very special that I don’t find with many people at all. So after that she was on my mind a hell of a lot, and we spent the next few days exchanging texts and emails and I got butterflies every time I heard from her. I was aware that there was stuff going on with her ex, they were trying to sort out either a friendship or getting back together, one or the other, and I was prepared for that. But during that week BB called me and said they’d had a huge fight and that they weren’t getting back together and that she felt relieved. I did warn her she’d probably feel totally different the next day because I’d been through the same situation with DL and know full well how hard it is to break up when you love some one so much. The next time I saw BB she came over for dinner, and again I was aware that she had counceling with her ex the day after. I honestly think we shouldn’t have met up that day because it did affect everything, plus I was extra emotional being on my period. Anyway it all kind of fell apart, BB got upset and so did I, mainly because I knew her mind was somewhere else while she was with me. Anyway she ended up leaving and I felt totally shitty and sat and cried for ages after she went home and that feeling lasted all the next day. I got a text from her in the morning asking me to give her another chance, saying that she was sorry she upset me and to please let her see me again. At that point I really wasn’t sure I wanted to see her again, because I knew that what she was feeling about her ex was effecting everything she was doing. But there was something about her that got under my skin and in spite of myself I found myself texting her saying let’s just put it behind us and start again. That weekend we were texting and I didn’t stop thinking about her throughout, and I suggested having coffee on Sunday afternoon. She said that was fine, that she really wanted to see me and to give her a couple of hours to get stuff done. So I didn’t plan anything for that day and pottered around the house waiting for her to text. The afternoon drew on and I began to get the feeling she wasn’t going to, and I started getting more and more pissed off. It wasn’t so much the fact that we weren’t meeting, just that she kept me hanging all day only to tell me at around four pm that she didn’t want to meet afterall. We were supposed to be meeting the following Monday evening to go to a concert together, and while I was at work I again got a message from her saying she wasn’t in the mood to go. So I asked if she wanted to do something else, i.e. are we still meeting up, and she didn’t really sound bothered which again offended me, but again I knew she wasn’t feeling great because of the whole ex issue. I should also mention she is trying to get pregnant and is having fertility treatment which isn’t going to plan, so all this was playing on her mind and so I was trying to make allowances. Baring in mind I’m not the kind of person who lets herself get fucked around by anyone, and if it had been anyone else I’d have broken contact after she made me feel shitty that second night. But there was something about her that I couldn’t leave alone. So that Monday night I went over and we talked, and decided to keep it at friends and to have casual fun when we felt like it, which I was fine with. The next couple of days I got really nice texts from her, like I mentioned in my last post she said I was amazing etc, plus she was taking the time to look for property for me which to me showed that she was thinking of me and that she cared what happened to me. Then on the Thursday I suggested we have some fun and didn’t get a response. I know now that the whole thing was bad timing, her head is fucked in terms of her previous relationship and she needs time to work out what she wants. I just let my feelings for her get in the way and yes I did feel disappointed when she cancelled, or didn’t respond when I suggested meeting up, even if only to say no.
So now she’s not talking to me, and she hasn’t even given me a proper chance to explain how I feel. I know she’s not really in the mood to hear anything I’ve got to say because of her own situation, but I know she thinks I was just paying lip service to the problems she’s having in order to get what I wanted, and that really wasn’t the case. The truth of the matter is that this woman has gotten under my skin no matter how much I didn’t want it to happen. I don’t know what it is about her that bugs me, but there’s something, and I basically tried to explain this when we were emailing the other day and she just waved it away because she’s so angry. When I write it all down here the whole thing just seems ridiculous. I’ve only known her a couple of weeks and it’s been a complete rollercoaster with more drops than highs, but I can’t stop her appearing in my thoughts, and I can’t stop wishing she’d text or call so we could sort this whole stupid mess out. I just want that connection back, I want her to be how she was when we first met, I want to feel that thing that was between us, that firey passion that made me give everything up to her that night, the tenderness she showed towards me and the care in the way she handled me. I know that’s not going to happen because of her relationship situation, but I at least wish she’d talk to me so that I could explain that I’m not a horrible selfish person who only thinks about getting what she wants, and I wasn’t being intentionally horrible and that all I want is for us to get on and spend some time together even if just as friends. I sound so silly, I know I do, she’s just really got to me and I feel like I can’t lay it to rest while she’s reading me in totally the wrong way. Maybe she needs to go away and heel herself before she’s ready to hear what I have to say, or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be at all, who knows. I just wish I could put it out of my mind, it just frustrates me that we’ve gotten off on such a bad footing when I personally think we could be good together, even if it just ends up being friendship. It makes me sad that I could give some one such a bad impression when most of how she perceives me isn’t at all the person I am, and it’s also ironic that something that was meant to be casual has got me feeling this way, and some one who I’ve only recently met and don’t even know properly has the ability to make me feel incredible or totally awful. I very strongly believe that every person we meet comes in to our lives for a reason, I wish I could work out why she’s come in to mine, and why I can’t put her out of my head.
Apparently some of the things I’ve said in my blog have offended BB. Some of these things I totally didn’t mean to come across as offensive, like calling the stuff with her ex, “her shit”, and others were written because they were how I felt at the time. Anyway, my writing and her reading has resulted in her being very angry and upset and now she isn’t talking to me. I think one thing I’m beginning to realise since starting a blog is that sometimes things come across in a way I don’t want them too when I write them down, and I forget that those who read don’t actually see the whole picture, only what I choose to share on here. I think that sometimes I come across as a bit of a bitch when totally not meaning too, and I’m not bitchy in the slightest, hopefully those who see me in my everyday life can testify to that. But this situation with BB has really bothered me and still is because it isn’t resolved, so here’s what I think of it.
I met BB within a few days of us exchanging messages. When we spoke on the phone I immediately knew there was a connection there because like I said before I could have spoken to her all night. She wanted to meet the very next day and because I took a real liking to her I agreed and we went on a date, and the rest is history. But in the few weeks I’ve known her I’ve felt such a tumult of emotions it’s affected me in a big way. The first night we spent together was totally amazing as we all know and it completely blew me away. It wasn’t just about the sex, it was the chemistry, the emotional intensity I felt, basically she made me feel loved even though we weren’t in love and that was something very special that I don’t find with many people at all. So after that she was on my mind a hell of a lot, and we spent the next few days exchanging texts and emails and I got butterflies every time I heard from her. I was aware that there was stuff going on with her ex, they were trying to sort out either a friendship or getting back together, one or the other, and I was prepared for that. But during that week BB called me and said they’d had a huge fight and that they weren’t getting back together and that she felt relieved. I did warn her she’d probably feel totally different the next day because I’d been through the same situation with DL and know full well how hard it is to break up when you love some one so much. The next time I saw BB she came over for dinner, and again I was aware that she had counceling with her ex the day after. I honestly think we shouldn’t have met up that day because it did affect everything, plus I was extra emotional being on my period. Anyway it all kind of fell apart, BB got upset and so did I, mainly because I knew her mind was somewhere else while she was with me. Anyway she ended up leaving and I felt totally shitty and sat and cried for ages after she went home and that feeling lasted all the next day. I got a text from her in the morning asking me to give her another chance, saying that she was sorry she upset me and to please let her see me again. At that point I really wasn’t sure I wanted to see her again, because I knew that what she was feeling about her ex was effecting everything she was doing. But there was something about her that got under my skin and in spite of myself I found myself texting her saying let’s just put it behind us and start again. That weekend we were texting and I didn’t stop thinking about her throughout, and I suggested having coffee on Sunday afternoon. She said that was fine, that she really wanted to see me and to give her a couple of hours to get stuff done. So I didn’t plan anything for that day and pottered around the house waiting for her to text. The afternoon drew on and I began to get the feeling she wasn’t going to, and I started getting more and more pissed off. It wasn’t so much the fact that we weren’t meeting, just that she kept me hanging all day only to tell me at around four pm that she didn’t want to meet afterall. We were supposed to be meeting the following Monday evening to go to a concert together, and while I was at work I again got a message from her saying she wasn’t in the mood to go. So I asked if she wanted to do something else, i.e. are we still meeting up, and she didn’t really sound bothered which again offended me, but again I knew she wasn’t feeling great because of the whole ex issue. I should also mention she is trying to get pregnant and is having fertility treatment which isn’t going to plan, so all this was playing on her mind and so I was trying to make allowances. Baring in mind I’m not the kind of person who lets herself get fucked around by anyone, and if it had been anyone else I’d have broken contact after she made me feel shitty that second night. But there was something about her that I couldn’t leave alone. So that Monday night I went over and we talked, and decided to keep it at friends and to have casual fun when we felt like it, which I was fine with. The next couple of days I got really nice texts from her, like I mentioned in my last post she said I was amazing etc, plus she was taking the time to look for property for me which to me showed that she was thinking of me and that she cared what happened to me. Then on the Thursday I suggested we have some fun and didn’t get a response. I know now that the whole thing was bad timing, her head is fucked in terms of her previous relationship and she needs time to work out what she wants. I just let my feelings for her get in the way and yes I did feel disappointed when she cancelled, or didn’t respond when I suggested meeting up, even if only to say no.
So now she’s not talking to me, and she hasn’t even given me a proper chance to explain how I feel. I know she’s not really in the mood to hear anything I’ve got to say because of her own situation, but I know she thinks I was just paying lip service to the problems she’s having in order to get what I wanted, and that really wasn’t the case. The truth of the matter is that this woman has gotten under my skin no matter how much I didn’t want it to happen. I don’t know what it is about her that bugs me, but there’s something, and I basically tried to explain this when we were emailing the other day and she just waved it away because she’s so angry. When I write it all down here the whole thing just seems ridiculous. I’ve only known her a couple of weeks and it’s been a complete rollercoaster with more drops than highs, but I can’t stop her appearing in my thoughts, and I can’t stop wishing she’d text or call so we could sort this whole stupid mess out. I just want that connection back, I want her to be how she was when we first met, I want to feel that thing that was between us, that firey passion that made me give everything up to her that night, the tenderness she showed towards me and the care in the way she handled me. I know that’s not going to happen because of her relationship situation, but I at least wish she’d talk to me so that I could explain that I’m not a horrible selfish person who only thinks about getting what she wants, and I wasn’t being intentionally horrible and that all I want is for us to get on and spend some time together even if just as friends. I sound so silly, I know I do, she’s just really got to me and I feel like I can’t lay it to rest while she’s reading me in totally the wrong way. Maybe she needs to go away and heel herself before she’s ready to hear what I have to say, or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be at all, who knows. I just wish I could put it out of my mind, it just frustrates me that we’ve gotten off on such a bad footing when I personally think we could be good together, even if it just ends up being friendship. It makes me sad that I could give some one such a bad impression when most of how she perceives me isn’t at all the person I am, and it’s also ironic that something that was meant to be casual has got me feeling this way, and some one who I’ve only recently met and don’t even know properly has the ability to make me feel incredible or totally awful. I very strongly believe that every person we meet comes in to our lives for a reason, I wish I could work out why she’s come in to mine, and why I can’t put her out of my head.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Some Good News
While at work today I received some fairly good news. The place I’m working for want to extend my contract for another month. It’s doing something different to what I was originally there for, and it’s only part time, being half days, which is also reflected in the salary, but the good thing is it’ll at least pay rent on a new place to live and having the afternoons off will mean I can job hunt properly, or look for houses if I’m in temporary accommodation. So that cheered me up somewhat, I’m in work until the end of September at least. Feel slightly pissed at myself because last night BB and I were texting quite a bit and it was good to hear from her and just talk about ordinary stuff. At one point she said she’d been telling her best friend how amazing I was, which made me smile, but then I sent her a text today being cheeky and saying I was in the mood for some fun, any chance of getting any, anytime soon. The response I got back was very non committal, and teasingly I replied back that I could always get some one else to fill her spot. She didn’t respond to this at all and I sort of feel mad for putting myself out there again only to be waved away like some annoying child. God I don’t even know why I’m talking about it… On the up side though I’ve been chatting a lot lately with some one I’ve known for about a year now. We’ve never actually met in person, firstly started talking through blogging, then progressed to the phone. Now she lives about an hour away and there’s definite talk of us meeting up soon. Over time we’ve become really good friends, and on top of that we have amazing phone fun, but we stopped talking for a while because I was going through loads of shit with DL and it was effecting how I felt towards her. But we’ve recently reconnected and are becoming close again which is lovely, and I’m curious to see how we’d get on in person. She’s very hesitant about meeting, probably because she’s older and wiser than myself and is therefore being over cautious. Sometimes I get frustrated by this and she knows that, I’ve never been the most patient of people, but when I get settled in my new place she says she’ll come and visit. At the moment I’m enjoying getting both affectionate and smutty texts from her, phone calls that last for hours when I intend them to be minutes, plus she always makes me giggle, and has a way of boosting my mood if I’m feeling crap. At the moment we’re good friends more than anything, but it’s certainly nice to get some attention and to know some one is thinking of me in kind of a romantic way. God what’s wrong with me at the moment? I think the ice may be starting to melt… Anyway I’m waffling, mainly because I don’t have much to do this evening, and I’m trying to distract myself from having yet another session with my new toy that I bought on Saturday, it’s fab! This weekend my mother is coming to visit, which will be… nice, lol. God knows what I’m going to do with her though. And my God I need to get laid, I have to find myself a regular playmate, this is ridiculous!
Sorry that post was mainly random thoughts, it just works out that way sometimes.
Sorry that post was mainly random thoughts, it just works out that way sometimes.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
bored at work
I'm so bored at work that I'm writing a blog post ready to publish when I get home as I can’t access it from here. It’s been kind of a strange
and hectic week this week, and in some ways I don’t know where it’s gone in terms of my evenings, whereas work has dragged.
On Monday night Baby G came over for dinner. I went to get her from the tube station in the pouring rain with the dog being a bitch because she didn’t want
to go out in the wet. I made a spicey vegetable rice which I don’t think Baby G was too keen on, but then she does only eat pizza and beans on toast, oh
and currey with crisps in it haha. I bet she reads that and has something to say… Anyway we had a lovely evening, it was good just to catch up and I tried
to make her feel better about her dissertation, poor thing. On Tuesday I didn’t have anything planned for the evening, and was going to have a quiet night
at home, but got dragged out with work to a civil partnership reception, where I proceeded to get absolutely fucking wasted along with everyone else. It
was totally accidental, and I haven’t been that drunk in a while. One of the conversations interestingly though that a few of us had was about how many
gay people there are in our office. There’s a team of about 40 here, and we know of at least seven who are gay, and those are the ones who are out. I barely
remember getting home, don’t remember anything after that, apparently I drunkenly called my friends and stumbled around the flat for a while lol. Had a
fab time though and the woman in the office who got married and her girlfriend, or wife as she now is make a lovely couple. I also have to say that I think
it’s absolutely wonderful that so many people from work went to the reception without batting an eyelid. Times are really moving forward for us.
On Wednesday I had the hang over from hell and practically crawled in to work with my head up my own arse and spent most of the day feeling terrible. Went
to group in the evening which was good and I found out about another social group that happens on a Tuesday which I think I’ll go along too hopefully next
week.
This brings me on to yesterday now. Nothing really to mention about work apart from that I was manicly busy all day, but I did spend a lot of last night chatting
to a woman I started talking too online. We ended up speaking on the phone for a while and we’re meeting up for a drink tonight, and I have to admit I’m
rather excited. She sounds lovely, very sexy and intelligent so hopefully we’ll get on well when we meet. I’ve been fairly tired all day because I didn’t
get to sleep until late last night as we continued texting each other after we got off the phone supposedly to go to bed, and I have to say she's equally as flirtatious as I am and I wavoured between being very turned on and very tired for a while before finally going to sleep. We've also been emailing each other today, she's a little minx. so I’m going to go home and freshen up before going out again. Tomorrow I’m off to blue water to do some shopping and
then to a friend’s bbq in the evening, and Sunday I have the day to myself. Woops I just accidently kicked the dog who is lying under my desk, poor love.
She doesn’t seem that bothered though lol. I suppose I’d better make it look like I’m doing something constructive, I’m still waiting around for a meeting with my manager that should have been at
ten and that still hasn’t happened yet, and it’s almost three PM. Two hours to go until I can go home and start getting ready for tonight.
and hectic week this week, and in some ways I don’t know where it’s gone in terms of my evenings, whereas work has dragged.
On Monday night Baby G came over for dinner. I went to get her from the tube station in the pouring rain with the dog being a bitch because she didn’t want
to go out in the wet. I made a spicey vegetable rice which I don’t think Baby G was too keen on, but then she does only eat pizza and beans on toast, oh
and currey with crisps in it haha. I bet she reads that and has something to say… Anyway we had a lovely evening, it was good just to catch up and I tried
to make her feel better about her dissertation, poor thing. On Tuesday I didn’t have anything planned for the evening, and was going to have a quiet night
at home, but got dragged out with work to a civil partnership reception, where I proceeded to get absolutely fucking wasted along with everyone else. It
was totally accidental, and I haven’t been that drunk in a while. One of the conversations interestingly though that a few of us had was about how many
gay people there are in our office. There’s a team of about 40 here, and we know of at least seven who are gay, and those are the ones who are out. I barely
remember getting home, don’t remember anything after that, apparently I drunkenly called my friends and stumbled around the flat for a while lol. Had a
fab time though and the woman in the office who got married and her girlfriend, or wife as she now is make a lovely couple. I also have to say that I think
it’s absolutely wonderful that so many people from work went to the reception without batting an eyelid. Times are really moving forward for us.
On Wednesday I had the hang over from hell and practically crawled in to work with my head up my own arse and spent most of the day feeling terrible. Went
to group in the evening which was good and I found out about another social group that happens on a Tuesday which I think I’ll go along too hopefully next
week.
This brings me on to yesterday now. Nothing really to mention about work apart from that I was manicly busy all day, but I did spend a lot of last night chatting
to a woman I started talking too online. We ended up speaking on the phone for a while and we’re meeting up for a drink tonight, and I have to admit I’m
rather excited. She sounds lovely, very sexy and intelligent so hopefully we’ll get on well when we meet. I’ve been fairly tired all day because I didn’t
get to sleep until late last night as we continued texting each other after we got off the phone supposedly to go to bed, and I have to say she's equally as flirtatious as I am and I wavoured between being very turned on and very tired for a while before finally going to sleep. We've also been emailing each other today, she's a little minx. so I’m going to go home and freshen up before going out again. Tomorrow I’m off to blue water to do some shopping and
then to a friend’s bbq in the evening, and Sunday I have the day to myself. Woops I just accidently kicked the dog who is lying under my desk, poor love.
She doesn’t seem that bothered though lol. I suppose I’d better make it look like I’m doing something constructive, I’m still waiting around for a meeting with my manager that should have been at
ten and that still hasn’t happened yet, and it’s almost three PM. Two hours to go until I can go home and start getting ready for tonight.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
London Part Two
As I type this post I hear your groans of dismay coming at me across the world wide web, you’ll see why in a minute.
This second post concerns the time I spent with DL while I was in the big smoke. And yes I know I said I’d stop talking about her ages ago and I haven’t, but maybe there’s a valid reason for that. One could look at it in two ways. One: I’ve had three lovers since DL and I separated. Each has been casual and I have wanted nothing from any of them other than the physical pleasure we can offer each other. Sounds clinical, but it’s true. So, I’ve been lacking an emotional connection since DL and I broke up and I’m missing that, which could be why I’m feeling the way I am about her. The second way of looking at the situation is that my feelings for her could possibly be trying to tell me something vital about what should happen between us in the future. Obviously we broke up for extremely valid reasons and I try to keep them in mind, especially of late. And since she left I’ve coped remarkably well I think, but I can’t escape the fact that I have missed her. This is perfectly normal I hear you saying, it’s bound to happen because you spent two years together. I know this, but it’s like I’ve said before, I’m not happier these days than when I’m with her. We can be doing anything, just going for dinner, or shopping, or driving in the car, and I feel so relaxed and content, a feeling I just can’t seem to replicate when she’s not around.
When I was in London we spent quite a lot of time together. On Monday night we went for dinner in an upmarket Italian restaurant near westminister bridge, and afterwards walked along the Thames with the dog. To be quite honest I didn’t want the evening to end, and my will power broke and I found myself asking her to spend the night and wanting it more than anything. It wasn’t even about sex, it was about the closeness of being with her, feeling her body next to mine, cuddling close to her when I woke up in the middle of the night, smelling her skin and feeling the softness of her lips. Back at where I was staying I lay on the bed while she massaged my feet, and laughed hysterically because I just felt an overwhelming sense of release that I haven’t done for months. I laughed until tears ran down my cheeks and my body shook, she alternating between laughing with me and looking mildly concerned at my heightened emotional state. She declined the offer of staying over, and although I was disappointed I admired her will power because I know she wanted too more than anything. But we hugged at the door and she left, and I had a long hot bath and an orgasm and went to sleep.
On Wednesday she came over in the morning with croissants and I was in the shower when she arrived. I opened the door dripping wet in a towel and darted back to the shower, freezing cold to finish washing my hair. Without hesitation she followed me in to the bathroom and the sexual chemistry between us was apparent to us both. I knew she was looking at my body and I told her to go in to the kitchen while I got dressed, and when I was decent I followed her to have breakfast. I can’t really remember how we spent the next hour but I know we ate and sat together on the sofa and chatted about random things, and I don’t quite know how it happened but she picked me up and headed for the bedroom. We cuddled on the bed and muttered something about going out shopping, and then we made love. There it is, I’ve said it. After two months of not seeing each other and not even daring to think about the incredible sex we always had, we made love. It was incredible, and I didn’t regret a single minute of it. The connection I had been lacking over the past few months was right there, I swear I could have orgasmed without her even touching me, the mental stimulation was there and it was amazingly intense. Afterwards we were languid and happy and lay for a while just kissing before getting up and heading out shopping in to Harrow. We ate dinner in a lovely Chinese restaurant, and then headed back to the flat. That night was emotional and sensual and intense and loving, everything we wanted it to be. We kissed and touched and massaged each other with oils, listened to soft music, held each other, the love making was firstly soft and gentle and then wild and passionate, crazy dirty like it used to be. She read my mind, pressed my buttons, took me to heights I’d forgotten existed. I know it sounds corny, but that’s really the way it was. We fell asleep in each others arms, and didn’t let go all night. In the morning we stayed in bed way past the time we should have got up, then packed and drove to the station. We reluctantly said goodbye and I went back to Sheffield hating every mile that took me further away from London, and away from her.
We did a lot of talking during that time, the main conclusions of which are that neither of us are going to rush in to anything. We both acknowledge that we needed to break up because things weren’t going the way we wanted them too, but we are also, both of us, trying to take steps to change things. She is much more relaxed, I noticed when her Tomtom stopped working in the car, she just took it in her stride whereas at one time it would have probably gone through the window. She is also seeking counceling and looking for a job, all steps in the right direction. I’m not expecting big things, but it says a lot that she’s trying to get her life together much more independently than she would have done six months ago, and that, added to the way I feel about her is what is making me think twice about being without her. So we’ve both agreed it’ll be at least another six months before we sit down and have a conversation about whether we’re going to be friends, or give it another go, and neither of us are expecting the other to wait around until then either. If she’s found some one else by then, I’ll have to deal with it, and vice versa. I just can’t describe how perfect the other day was, and I’m not just talking about the bedroom, I mean everything. The way we talked, laughed, just spent time in comfortable silence, it was all wonderful. When talking to friends I’ve had mixed reactions. Some people aren’t at all surprised and think we’ll end up getting back together, whereas others think that I should cut all contact with her for a while and distance myself completely, but I tried that for a few weeks and we both hated it. I know for me it was the most miserable time ever, and I felt like my best friend was lost as well as my partner. Getting back together with her might not even happen, but I have to accept the fact that it is a possibility, because I can’t ignore the feelings I have about her, or how I miss her when we’re apart and how I feel when we’re together, the connection we have and how it’s just not like that with anyone else. She understands the way I think and feel, she knows me inside out, she knows how my mind works and she can read me like a book. Of course it might be something that we can’t repair and we’ll end up just being very close friends, I’m just looking down all the avenues. I don’t know if we could be together in the long term, it’s something we have to work out together over a long period of time. Neither of us want to get hurt again which is why we’re taking it very slowly and giving each other lots of time and space to think things through. This is a unique situation for me, never before have I wanted to get back with an ex once I’ve made the decision to split, I’m certainly not in the habbit of clinging on to relationships the way I am with this one, but likewise nor have I ever loved some one so much before and wanted something to work so badly. I’m going to use my head and follow my heart and see where it leads me, hopefully it’ll be in the right direction as far as this is concerned.
I’ve also decided to stop having casual sex for a while, as it’s really not helping things. I know that for me casual sex is of course about getting physical pleasure, but it’s also about wanting to feel close to some one, and when you’re not in a relationship the easiest way to do that is to do the casual no strings thing. But I’ve realised lately that it’s not helping me. I want something from my sexual partners that they can’t give to me, and it’s not their fault it’s mine, because although I’m craving the closeness I’m also blocking it because I’m fully aware that it’s casual and that they, or I could leave at any time, especially when situations happen as with casual lover and that whole mess. So I’m going to make some time for myself, which will mean my sex toys will get a good working out, but I think it’ll do me good not to be involved with absolutely anyone for a while. So hear’s to the soul searching, sort of celibate me for a while.
You just know though that when you tell yourself you can’t have sex it’s all you think about. I’ve been reading an anthology of anal erotica over the past few days, I get the feeling I'll be doing the kit cat shuffle a lot! :)
This second post concerns the time I spent with DL while I was in the big smoke. And yes I know I said I’d stop talking about her ages ago and I haven’t, but maybe there’s a valid reason for that. One could look at it in two ways. One: I’ve had three lovers since DL and I separated. Each has been casual and I have wanted nothing from any of them other than the physical pleasure we can offer each other. Sounds clinical, but it’s true. So, I’ve been lacking an emotional connection since DL and I broke up and I’m missing that, which could be why I’m feeling the way I am about her. The second way of looking at the situation is that my feelings for her could possibly be trying to tell me something vital about what should happen between us in the future. Obviously we broke up for extremely valid reasons and I try to keep them in mind, especially of late. And since she left I’ve coped remarkably well I think, but I can’t escape the fact that I have missed her. This is perfectly normal I hear you saying, it’s bound to happen because you spent two years together. I know this, but it’s like I’ve said before, I’m not happier these days than when I’m with her. We can be doing anything, just going for dinner, or shopping, or driving in the car, and I feel so relaxed and content, a feeling I just can’t seem to replicate when she’s not around.
When I was in London we spent quite a lot of time together. On Monday night we went for dinner in an upmarket Italian restaurant near westminister bridge, and afterwards walked along the Thames with the dog. To be quite honest I didn’t want the evening to end, and my will power broke and I found myself asking her to spend the night and wanting it more than anything. It wasn’t even about sex, it was about the closeness of being with her, feeling her body next to mine, cuddling close to her when I woke up in the middle of the night, smelling her skin and feeling the softness of her lips. Back at where I was staying I lay on the bed while she massaged my feet, and laughed hysterically because I just felt an overwhelming sense of release that I haven’t done for months. I laughed until tears ran down my cheeks and my body shook, she alternating between laughing with me and looking mildly concerned at my heightened emotional state. She declined the offer of staying over, and although I was disappointed I admired her will power because I know she wanted too more than anything. But we hugged at the door and she left, and I had a long hot bath and an orgasm and went to sleep.
On Wednesday she came over in the morning with croissants and I was in the shower when she arrived. I opened the door dripping wet in a towel and darted back to the shower, freezing cold to finish washing my hair. Without hesitation she followed me in to the bathroom and the sexual chemistry between us was apparent to us both. I knew she was looking at my body and I told her to go in to the kitchen while I got dressed, and when I was decent I followed her to have breakfast. I can’t really remember how we spent the next hour but I know we ate and sat together on the sofa and chatted about random things, and I don’t quite know how it happened but she picked me up and headed for the bedroom. We cuddled on the bed and muttered something about going out shopping, and then we made love. There it is, I’ve said it. After two months of not seeing each other and not even daring to think about the incredible sex we always had, we made love. It was incredible, and I didn’t regret a single minute of it. The connection I had been lacking over the past few months was right there, I swear I could have orgasmed without her even touching me, the mental stimulation was there and it was amazingly intense. Afterwards we were languid and happy and lay for a while just kissing before getting up and heading out shopping in to Harrow. We ate dinner in a lovely Chinese restaurant, and then headed back to the flat. That night was emotional and sensual and intense and loving, everything we wanted it to be. We kissed and touched and massaged each other with oils, listened to soft music, held each other, the love making was firstly soft and gentle and then wild and passionate, crazy dirty like it used to be. She read my mind, pressed my buttons, took me to heights I’d forgotten existed. I know it sounds corny, but that’s really the way it was. We fell asleep in each others arms, and didn’t let go all night. In the morning we stayed in bed way past the time we should have got up, then packed and drove to the station. We reluctantly said goodbye and I went back to Sheffield hating every mile that took me further away from London, and away from her.
We did a lot of talking during that time, the main conclusions of which are that neither of us are going to rush in to anything. We both acknowledge that we needed to break up because things weren’t going the way we wanted them too, but we are also, both of us, trying to take steps to change things. She is much more relaxed, I noticed when her Tomtom stopped working in the car, she just took it in her stride whereas at one time it would have probably gone through the window. She is also seeking counceling and looking for a job, all steps in the right direction. I’m not expecting big things, but it says a lot that she’s trying to get her life together much more independently than she would have done six months ago, and that, added to the way I feel about her is what is making me think twice about being without her. So we’ve both agreed it’ll be at least another six months before we sit down and have a conversation about whether we’re going to be friends, or give it another go, and neither of us are expecting the other to wait around until then either. If she’s found some one else by then, I’ll have to deal with it, and vice versa. I just can’t describe how perfect the other day was, and I’m not just talking about the bedroom, I mean everything. The way we talked, laughed, just spent time in comfortable silence, it was all wonderful. When talking to friends I’ve had mixed reactions. Some people aren’t at all surprised and think we’ll end up getting back together, whereas others think that I should cut all contact with her for a while and distance myself completely, but I tried that for a few weeks and we both hated it. I know for me it was the most miserable time ever, and I felt like my best friend was lost as well as my partner. Getting back together with her might not even happen, but I have to accept the fact that it is a possibility, because I can’t ignore the feelings I have about her, or how I miss her when we’re apart and how I feel when we’re together, the connection we have and how it’s just not like that with anyone else. She understands the way I think and feel, she knows me inside out, she knows how my mind works and she can read me like a book. Of course it might be something that we can’t repair and we’ll end up just being very close friends, I’m just looking down all the avenues. I don’t know if we could be together in the long term, it’s something we have to work out together over a long period of time. Neither of us want to get hurt again which is why we’re taking it very slowly and giving each other lots of time and space to think things through. This is a unique situation for me, never before have I wanted to get back with an ex once I’ve made the decision to split, I’m certainly not in the habbit of clinging on to relationships the way I am with this one, but likewise nor have I ever loved some one so much before and wanted something to work so badly. I’m going to use my head and follow my heart and see where it leads me, hopefully it’ll be in the right direction as far as this is concerned.
I’ve also decided to stop having casual sex for a while, as it’s really not helping things. I know that for me casual sex is of course about getting physical pleasure, but it’s also about wanting to feel close to some one, and when you’re not in a relationship the easiest way to do that is to do the casual no strings thing. But I’ve realised lately that it’s not helping me. I want something from my sexual partners that they can’t give to me, and it’s not their fault it’s mine, because although I’m craving the closeness I’m also blocking it because I’m fully aware that it’s casual and that they, or I could leave at any time, especially when situations happen as with casual lover and that whole mess. So I’m going to make some time for myself, which will mean my sex toys will get a good working out, but I think it’ll do me good not to be involved with absolutely anyone for a while. So hear’s to the soul searching, sort of celibate me for a while.
You just know though that when you tell yourself you can’t have sex it’s all you think about. I’ve been reading an anthology of anal erotica over the past few days, I get the feeling I'll be doing the kit cat shuffle a lot! :)
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Privacy in the bloggersphere
I've just read two posts by two separate bloggers, Trinity2 and Droma on this issue, and I have to say I totally agree. Recently I have grown to feel quite uncomfortable about who might be reading my blog, as you well know. I have no problem with friends reading because I'm not the bitchy type and don't really say things on here that I wouldn't say to them in person, but when it comes to people I'm interested in, or people i'm dating I really don't like the fact that they read. For certain people it can't be helped, I will say that I am involved in one way or another with certain people who have blogs themselves, and who I met through the blogging world, and so i can understand why they choose to read because I in turn read what they write. But I have to say when I found out that HBS reads my blog, I was more bothered about it than I admitted at the time, because I hadn't chosen to give her the address. Obviously I know strangers read who stumble across it, but when it's some one i'm potentially interested in dating or whatever it's a totally different ball game. The truth is, I feel like I have to watch what I'm saying on here because certain people read, and I shouldn't have to do that. Yes I admit I advertise my blog on various websites and i make no secret about the fact that I have one, and if people do want to read it's their choice. But I really do regret being so open about it, and wish I'd thought more carefully about my privacy. For me my blog is a journal, it was meant to be a cathartic experience where i could be honest and get things off my mind and I still want to keep it that way for as long as I can. I have considered restricting access to invited readers only, but I know that a lot of you read and don't comment or make yourselves known, and I would hate to cut you off like that. So, we'll see how it goes, but it is a growing problem.
On a lighter note, i forgot to mention that January 14th saw the first birthday of my blog. The archives don't go back that far on here because I started off on livejournal and haven't managed to backdate to the beginning yet, but yes, my blog is now a year and a few weeks old, This is the longest time i've kept a journal for, and that's why the issue I've raised here is so very important to me, because I don't want to stop writing or start over again somewhere else. And please don't think i'm ungreatful, I've met some wonderful people through blogging and I really appreciate the comments that get left here, but if you decide you can't resist my charms and want to wine me, dine me and... well you know the rest, for goodness sake, stop reading!!! haha.
On a lighter note, i forgot to mention that January 14th saw the first birthday of my blog. The archives don't go back that far on here because I started off on livejournal and haven't managed to backdate to the beginning yet, but yes, my blog is now a year and a few weeks old, This is the longest time i've kept a journal for, and that's why the issue I've raised here is so very important to me, because I don't want to stop writing or start over again somewhere else. And please don't think i'm ungreatful, I've met some wonderful people through blogging and I really appreciate the comments that get left here, but if you decide you can't resist my charms and want to wine me, dine me and... well you know the rest, for goodness sake, stop reading!!! haha.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Changing, staying the same
Ok, so I haven't changed blogs just yet, I'm still debating the matter, so in the meantime here's what's been going on in the world of me.
So I finally got all my essays handed in, the last one on the 24th. Can't tell you how good it felt to be done with them all, I spent most of that day being absolutely shattered though and had a long lie in the day after. Last Thursday I went out with a group of friend's from uni which was lovely. We went to a gay club in town and I had a great time. Now I'm the kind of person who never gets a girl in clubs. Whether it's because I don't make eye contact with people and so can't start anything with anyone because it's just too loud to have a conversation, or whether it's simply because i'm not attractive to lesbian clubbers I have no idea, but on this occasion I did! Virtually as soon as we got in there our group was approached by a woman who went round introducing herself and chatting to each of us. I remember thinking it must be wonderful to be so confident that you can walk up to a group of strangers and just start a conversation and I admired her for that. She came over to me and we started talking and dancing, and I remember thinking she was reasonably atractive. Then she said she was there with her friend, and introduced her to me, and oh my, her friend was lovely. She said she's recently split from her girlfriend and was on a night out, so we were in a similar situation which was good. We were chatting and dancing and she made sure I always had a full glass which was lovely. I said to S, a gay male friend of mine how lovely she was, and apparently she had also said similar to him, so we kind of got pushed together and left to dance away from the group. So you know what came next, she asked if she could kiss me and I said yes, and we spent the rest of the evening dancing, talking and kissing and it was soooo nice. She was a fantastic kisser and that's important to me, if a girl can't kiss propperly it puts me right off. By the end of the night we had exchanged numbers and she's texted me asking me out on a date, so we're going some time next week. I'm really looking forward to it. I also received lots of comments about how amazing my breasts are from several different women which was a major high point for me. I should wear that red top more often.
On the Friday, DL arrived for the weekend. I can't remember whether I mentioned she was coming, but she wanted to collect the rest of her things and to catch up with friends in sheffield, so she stayed for the weekend. All in all we had a nice time. It was emotional for both of us, but we didn't really fight that much and we went shopping and out for food and i cooked a lot and we generally just spent time together inn between her catching up with her friends. I did however fuck up, and yes, I know I fucked up, without anyone else passing comment, including DL's best friend who decided to lay in to me verbally yesterday. The truth is, when she arrived on Friday night, we were both feeling emotional, we'd missed each other and so we ended up in bed together. I have to say that I regretted it as soon as it'd happened, and when we discussed it I told her so and that it didn't feel right because we are no longer together. For the most part she agreed, so I'm noping it's provided some closure for us both now. When she left yesterday morning she was very emotional and we don't plan to see each other for a while now, to give us both and especially her space and time to move on. So that's it, it's done, over, finito, and the physical stuff will most certainly NOT happen again.
Other than that, I'm out every night this week doing various different things, including going for drinks with friends tomorrow and out on Friday for a friend's birthday. A school friend, the one I'm hopefully going to go and visit in China in March is possibly coming to stay for a couple of days too, and it'll be great to see her and catch up on her hectic life. In terms of the grrl front, I obviously have a date next week, I'm meeting up with a spanish woman who I met through the local lesbian group for coffee, I might be having another visitor the weekend after this one and one woman is being a bit too full on while another is backing off. I'm not naming names. So... we'll see how it goes. Right now I'm off to get breakfast and have a lazy day in my pajamas.
So I finally got all my essays handed in, the last one on the 24th. Can't tell you how good it felt to be done with them all, I spent most of that day being absolutely shattered though and had a long lie in the day after. Last Thursday I went out with a group of friend's from uni which was lovely. We went to a gay club in town and I had a great time. Now I'm the kind of person who never gets a girl in clubs. Whether it's because I don't make eye contact with people and so can't start anything with anyone because it's just too loud to have a conversation, or whether it's simply because i'm not attractive to lesbian clubbers I have no idea, but on this occasion I did! Virtually as soon as we got in there our group was approached by a woman who went round introducing herself and chatting to each of us. I remember thinking it must be wonderful to be so confident that you can walk up to a group of strangers and just start a conversation and I admired her for that. She came over to me and we started talking and dancing, and I remember thinking she was reasonably atractive. Then she said she was there with her friend, and introduced her to me, and oh my, her friend was lovely. She said she's recently split from her girlfriend and was on a night out, so we were in a similar situation which was good. We were chatting and dancing and she made sure I always had a full glass which was lovely. I said to S, a gay male friend of mine how lovely she was, and apparently she had also said similar to him, so we kind of got pushed together and left to dance away from the group. So you know what came next, she asked if she could kiss me and I said yes, and we spent the rest of the evening dancing, talking and kissing and it was soooo nice. She was a fantastic kisser and that's important to me, if a girl can't kiss propperly it puts me right off. By the end of the night we had exchanged numbers and she's texted me asking me out on a date, so we're going some time next week. I'm really looking forward to it. I also received lots of comments about how amazing my breasts are from several different women which was a major high point for me. I should wear that red top more often.
On the Friday, DL arrived for the weekend. I can't remember whether I mentioned she was coming, but she wanted to collect the rest of her things and to catch up with friends in sheffield, so she stayed for the weekend. All in all we had a nice time. It was emotional for both of us, but we didn't really fight that much and we went shopping and out for food and i cooked a lot and we generally just spent time together inn between her catching up with her friends. I did however fuck up, and yes, I know I fucked up, without anyone else passing comment, including DL's best friend who decided to lay in to me verbally yesterday. The truth is, when she arrived on Friday night, we were both feeling emotional, we'd missed each other and so we ended up in bed together. I have to say that I regretted it as soon as it'd happened, and when we discussed it I told her so and that it didn't feel right because we are no longer together. For the most part she agreed, so I'm noping it's provided some closure for us both now. When she left yesterday morning she was very emotional and we don't plan to see each other for a while now, to give us both and especially her space and time to move on. So that's it, it's done, over, finito, and the physical stuff will most certainly NOT happen again.
Other than that, I'm out every night this week doing various different things, including going for drinks with friends tomorrow and out on Friday for a friend's birthday. A school friend, the one I'm hopefully going to go and visit in China in March is possibly coming to stay for a couple of days too, and it'll be great to see her and catch up on her hectic life. In terms of the grrl front, I obviously have a date next week, I'm meeting up with a spanish woman who I met through the local lesbian group for coffee, I might be having another visitor the weekend after this one and one woman is being a bit too full on while another is backing off. I'm not naming names. So... we'll see how it goes. Right now I'm off to get breakfast and have a lazy day in my pajamas.
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