Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Guilt

A year on and she's still not over me. Not only is she not over me, but she's as distraught now as she was when we broke up. She demands my time and energy, she guilt trips me if we can't spend time together and wants me to account for every minute that I'm not with her, she throws herself at me and then cries when I tell her "no". She manipulates situations, she speaks to me in a way I wouldn't allow anyone else too. She's imploring, desperate, angry, pathetic, terrifyingly on the edge. She begs, pleads, craves to be loved in a way that I can no longer love her. She spends most of the time reminiscing over what we had, appologising futilely for things neither of us can change, wishing she was some one else so that I would fall in love with her again. If she knows I'm with other women which I try and keep separate from our friendship, she gets crazily jealous and angry, verbally degrades them and me sometimes, and then once again returns to begging, pleading, wishing. Today we had a conversation... "This has got to stop," I said. "I want to put some distance between us," I said. "Enough is enough, we're never going to get back together. I'll never fall back in love with you. It's over, done, finished. You need to move on, be happy, find other things, some one else," I said.
"There'll never be anyone else," she said. "I can't live a life without you in it," she said. "What's the point in anything if I can't share it with you," she said. "I love you, I'm sorry, I love you," she said.
"You're obsessed with me," I said,. "It's unnatural, unhealthy, it scares me," I said.
"I want to die," she said. "I want to die."

The last time I tried to back away from her she tried to kill herself. I am terrified that she'll do the same this time. I feel guilty, angry, responsible, frustrated. I want to shake her and tell her that everyone gets broken hearted at some point, that we all pick ourselves up and move on, rebuild our lives, get on with it. She won't listen, to me nor anyone else. She's trapped in this spiralling world of desperate attempts to get me back, trying to change herself for the benifit of wooing me again. It won't happen. I don't love her anymore, not as one loves a partner. I care for her deeply as a friend and always will. We shared a life together, made plans together, she gave me some of the best and worsed times of my life. But for how long can she put me through this. How long do I have to feel guilty for, to be made to feel responsible for the way she's feeling. Because I do, and I hate it, all of it. It's like she's telling me, either take me back, or I'll end it all. What a choice. How do I live with that? How?

2 comments:

louche said...

*you* don;t have to live with that. *she* does.

be firm. point out that if she wants to kill herself, then basically, that's up to her. that you'd rather she didn;t, but you can;t really stop her.

that she's an adult and is responsible for her own actions - that is she schooses to deal with you not being there, then SHE is making that decision, YOU are not doing/making her do anything.

put the responsibility back to her and walk away.

(which might sound harsh, but isn't. honest).

Trinity2 said...

And, I also think that your earlier idea of distancing yourself from her is a good one! She will never get over you if she always sees and talks to you.