Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Setting The Record Straight

Sorry it’s been a couple of weeks since I wrote, I’ve really just been too busy and had too much I wanted to say but have not known where to start.

Firstly, it is now only nine days until I go to the US, and I can’t tell you how excited I am about it. It was a month ago today I booked the trip, and I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed. I think it’s because I’ve been so busy with uni, socialising and sorting out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life that time is just zooming by. So what’s been happening? Well, I’ve applied to do a summer internship with a company and have gotten through to the assessment centre stage, woo! They tried to arrange it for next Tuesday but I just can’t do it and so we’re trying to sort something out for when I get back from the US. I’m also considering doing a masters in Creative Writing starting in September as a fallback in case I can’t find work, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but origionally wanted to wait a while before doing so. But I’ve been looking at possible universities and I’m so far considering Manchester, London, Sheffield and UEA. I’ll keep you poasted on that one. Socially I’ve been having a great time and am having to decline offers of going out so that I can stay home and actually get some work done. As far as my casual lover goes, I went from seeing her lots and lots to hardly at all over the past couple of weeks, mainly because we’ve both been busy and she’s sold her car, but on Friday night she came and stayed over for the first time which was lovely. We watched a dvd and had nibbles and then went to bed and had great sex, and then in the morning I got up while she was sleeping and made breakfast which we had in bed. Then we had more great sex and then showered together which was lovely, and she went home in the early afternoon. It was great to actually spend some quality time together rather than her just coming over and us fucking and she leaving. She’s also texted me to say what a great time she had and we plan to see each other soon, although it probably won’t be until I get back from the US now because I seem to have stuff on every night next week.

On Saturday night I went to a random hippy party with my friend Simon, which really wasn’t my scene but was an experience I’ll never forget. It was basically a load of random people in the back garden of a house listening to jungle music and taking lots of drugs, which I avoided. Very, very random but definitely an experience. Sunday I worked and then when to Simon’s for dinner. We had vegetable pie with potatoes and a home made cake. I’ve not had pie in years and it tasted amazing! On Monday I went to Slimming World and I’ve now lost half a stone, woohoo! I want to lose some more before I go to the US though, where I’ll probably put it all back on lol. Afterwards I went for drinks with Frankie, Reed and Rosie which was fab, Rosie has recently split up with her boyfriend of four years so that came as a shock. Everyone is still breaking up at the moment it’s crazy.

The reason my post is called Setting The Record Straight, is because I did want to have a little moan. I don’t often bitch, but this is something I feel quite strongly about, and I feel that writing about it may help to defuse my anger a little. DL has started a new blog, for those of you who want to read it you can go here.
http://lifeintheelectricchair.blogspot.com
From this, and from talking to certain people over the past couple of weeks I now gather that she thinks that I’m a complete bitch, that I’m no longer the person she loved, honoured and respected, and that she believes that I played her for two years, and dropped her when she was no longer useful to me. This sincerely pisses me off because she knows full well the reasons why I chose to end the relationship, and it wasn’t because I was being a bitch as she seems to think. I can’t believe she is so far detached from reality to forget everything we talked about and to delude herself in to thinking that her only crime was to love me unconditionally. Yeah, WHATEVER!!! So… I am now going to write here what I actually want to say to her, in the hope that it will be in some part cathartic and I’ll feel better. She can’t read this either so it’s for my benefit only not to get back at her in a bitchy way…

“How on earth can you possibly come to the conclusion that I’m the bitch and that I was playing you and using you? Surely you don’t honestly believe that is true, despite what those people who didn’t like me or our relationship might try to convince you is true? How could I have done such a thing for two years? We were together, we loved each other and I did try to make it work. I didn’t leave because I’m a bitch, I left because the way you treated me changed my feelings for you beyond anything I could repair. I was unhappy and so I decided we would be better off apart. Are you forgetting about all the shit that went on? Yes there were good times, amazing times. Times that changed my life and that I will always love you for. But what about the things that really did make me leave you, the anger, aggression and paranoid jealousy that tormented our relationship. No matter how much I tried to show you I loved you it was never enough. You never seemed to believe me, you hated when I went out with my friends without you, asking me who I’d been humping on the dance floor this time. At one point you tried to tell me what I could and couldn’t wear when going out without you, and when I did go out you made things so uncomfortable for me that it wasn’t worth the hastle I knew I would get from you. During the first half of our relationship you let your mother treat me like shit just because she didn’t like the fact that she no longer controlled your life and what happened in it. You did nothing to defend me nor to stop that, it was painful and insulting and I never forgave you for not standing up for me. When I said I was going to Africa for a month, ONE Month, you hit the roof and said that if I loved you I wouldn’t go. When I did go you made my life a misery in the weeks leading up to my departure and when I got back you accused me a fucking other people out there and wouldn’t look at my pictures and went crazy when I got an email from anyone I’d worked with out there. You embarrassed and humiliated me in public, one time I vividly remember bursting in to tears because you shouted at me and called me names in front of my friends. If you had a bad day at work you took it out on me verbally. Any time I wanted to do anything extra like join a group or something, you often didn’t want to go with me but didn’t want me to go without you either. You’ve called me a bitch, a cunt, a slut, and countless other names. It was me, not you who loved you to death and it was me who put up with all that shit for two fucking years, and tried and tried to make it work again and again. I opened myself up to you, let you in to every part of me physically and emotionally. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with you, I wanted to marry you and have kids with you etc etc, and you know what? You fucked it, not me, you! So you can sit there all high and mighty and say that you didn’t do anything wrong, but we both know the truth, don’t we… So you know what, fuck you!”

That’s all I have to say on the matter. It’s over, it’s fucking over and done with and I refuse to part take anymore in her stupid fucking fantasy of what our relationship was really like. No one ever really knew the extent of the emotional abuse, because now that’s what I believe it was. I was too embarrassed to talk about it while we were together, I’m usually a strong person and I know that if some one came to me with all the shit I’ve mentioned plus more, I’d tell them to get out of the relationship, and that is what I eventually told myself to do. I’m glad I did it, I feel stronger for it, and looking back I can’t believe I let her do to me what she ddid, and control and manipulate me in the way she did. All I can say is that I feel sorry for her, and frankly she needs to go get help. So let it be known that no matter how she tries to twist things and say it was all my fault and that she didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment, this is the way it was. After all, if she was so perfect, I would never have left now would I? And if there are those who think I am just a bitch and played her and dropped her, well then get out of my life because I don’t need, and will no longer tolerate that negativity. Not anymore. My new life has started…

4 comments:

Kasey said...

You don't deserve what she did to you. No one deserves that kind of treatment. I hope she does eventually get help because no one's going to stay with her in the condition she's in. You did the right thing, hun. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently.

Sean said...

People find it easiest to be defensive in these situations, because it can say an awful lot about character flaws we don't especially want to deal with - it's clear why she might say those things, but yes, it is delusion - and a delusion I hope she'll deal with - and you definitely don't deserve it impinging upon how you view the situation or causing you any grief, so kudos to you for speaking your mind. You know me - I completely respect your decision. Such negativity as is being directed towards you is healthy for no one - not you, not her - and much respect goes out to you for being so resolved and mature about this situation.

Duuuuude, I am so very, very drunk right now - I apologise for how poncey my sentences are sounding ... can't type ... uh, love you,
Sean

p.s. guh, have I posted this twice? No matter...

Dora said...

I had no idea how badly she treated you, and you're right you do deserve much more. You're a friendly, flirty, fun person and no-one should ever try to change you just because they don't like themselves.

My advice is to keep on staying out of contact and hopefully she'll (eventually) move on and stop putting you at the centre of her universe.

Love and hugs,

Dora xxx

Trinity2 said...

It's therapeutic to write the letter on how you feel - even if they never see it. It's part of the letting go process. Believe me - I've scratched out several the past 4 months. Good for you for letting that mess go! Now look forward to a positive future!