Sunday, April 08, 2007

London Part Two

As I type this post I hear your groans of dismay coming at me across the world wide web, you’ll see why in a minute.

This second post concerns the time I spent with DL while I was in the big smoke. And yes I know I said I’d stop talking about her ages ago and I haven’t, but maybe there’s a valid reason for that. One could look at it in two ways. One: I’ve had three lovers since DL and I separated. Each has been casual and I have wanted nothing from any of them other than the physical pleasure we can offer each other. Sounds clinical, but it’s true. So, I’ve been lacking an emotional connection since DL and I broke up and I’m missing that, which could be why I’m feeling the way I am about her. The second way of looking at the situation is that my feelings for her could possibly be trying to tell me something vital about what should happen between us in the future. Obviously we broke up for extremely valid reasons and I try to keep them in mind, especially of late. And since she left I’ve coped remarkably well I think, but I can’t escape the fact that I have missed her. This is perfectly normal I hear you saying, it’s bound to happen because you spent two years together. I know this, but it’s like I’ve said before, I’m not happier these days than when I’m with her. We can be doing anything, just going for dinner, or shopping, or driving in the car, and I feel so relaxed and content, a feeling I just can’t seem to replicate when she’s not around.

When I was in London we spent quite a lot of time together. On Monday night we went for dinner in an upmarket Italian restaurant near westminister bridge, and afterwards walked along the Thames with the dog. To be quite honest I didn’t want the evening to end, and my will power broke and I found myself asking her to spend the night and wanting it more than anything. It wasn’t even about sex, it was about the closeness of being with her, feeling her body next to mine, cuddling close to her when I woke up in the middle of the night, smelling her skin and feeling the softness of her lips. Back at where I was staying I lay on the bed while she massaged my feet, and laughed hysterically because I just felt an overwhelming sense of release that I haven’t done for months. I laughed until tears ran down my cheeks and my body shook, she alternating between laughing with me and looking mildly concerned at my heightened emotional state. She declined the offer of staying over, and although I was disappointed I admired her will power because I know she wanted too more than anything. But we hugged at the door and she left, and I had a long hot bath and an orgasm and went to sleep.

On Wednesday she came over in the morning with croissants and I was in the shower when she arrived. I opened the door dripping wet in a towel and darted back to the shower, freezing cold to finish washing my hair. Without hesitation she followed me in to the bathroom and the sexual chemistry between us was apparent to us both. I knew she was looking at my body and I told her to go in to the kitchen while I got dressed, and when I was decent I followed her to have breakfast. I can’t really remember how we spent the next hour but I know we ate and sat together on the sofa and chatted about random things, and I don’t quite know how it happened but she picked me up and headed for the bedroom. We cuddled on the bed and muttered something about going out shopping, and then we made love. There it is, I’ve said it. After two months of not seeing each other and not even daring to think about the incredible sex we always had, we made love. It was incredible, and I didn’t regret a single minute of it. The connection I had been lacking over the past few months was right there, I swear I could have orgasmed without her even touching me, the mental stimulation was there and it was amazingly intense. Afterwards we were languid and happy and lay for a while just kissing before getting up and heading out shopping in to Harrow. We ate dinner in a lovely Chinese restaurant, and then headed back to the flat. That night was emotional and sensual and intense and loving, everything we wanted it to be. We kissed and touched and massaged each other with oils, listened to soft music, held each other, the love making was firstly soft and gentle and then wild and passionate, crazy dirty like it used to be. She read my mind, pressed my buttons, took me to heights I’d forgotten existed. I know it sounds corny, but that’s really the way it was. We fell asleep in each others arms, and didn’t let go all night. In the morning we stayed in bed way past the time we should have got up, then packed and drove to the station. We reluctantly said goodbye and I went back to Sheffield hating every mile that took me further away from London, and away from her.

We did a lot of talking during that time, the main conclusions of which are that neither of us are going to rush in to anything. We both acknowledge that we needed to break up because things weren’t going the way we wanted them too, but we are also, both of us, trying to take steps to change things. She is much more relaxed, I noticed when her Tomtom stopped working in the car, she just took it in her stride whereas at one time it would have probably gone through the window. She is also seeking counceling and looking for a job, all steps in the right direction. I’m not expecting big things, but it says a lot that she’s trying to get her life together much more independently than she would have done six months ago, and that, added to the way I feel about her is what is making me think twice about being without her. So we’ve both agreed it’ll be at least another six months before we sit down and have a conversation about whether we’re going to be friends, or give it another go, and neither of us are expecting the other to wait around until then either. If she’s found some one else by then, I’ll have to deal with it, and vice versa. I just can’t describe how perfect the other day was, and I’m not just talking about the bedroom, I mean everything. The way we talked, laughed, just spent time in comfortable silence, it was all wonderful. When talking to friends I’ve had mixed reactions. Some people aren’t at all surprised and think we’ll end up getting back together, whereas others think that I should cut all contact with her for a while and distance myself completely, but I tried that for a few weeks and we both hated it. I know for me it was the most miserable time ever, and I felt like my best friend was lost as well as my partner. Getting back together with her might not even happen, but I have to accept the fact that it is a possibility, because I can’t ignore the feelings I have about her, or how I miss her when we’re apart and how I feel when we’re together, the connection we have and how it’s just not like that with anyone else. She understands the way I think and feel, she knows me inside out, she knows how my mind works and she can read me like a book. Of course it might be something that we can’t repair and we’ll end up just being very close friends, I’m just looking down all the avenues. I don’t know if we could be together in the long term, it’s something we have to work out together over a long period of time. Neither of us want to get hurt again which is why we’re taking it very slowly and giving each other lots of time and space to think things through. This is a unique situation for me, never before have I wanted to get back with an ex once I’ve made the decision to split, I’m certainly not in the habbit of clinging on to relationships the way I am with this one, but likewise nor have I ever loved some one so much before and wanted something to work so badly. I’m going to use my head and follow my heart and see where it leads me, hopefully it’ll be in the right direction as far as this is concerned.

I’ve also decided to stop having casual sex for a while, as it’s really not helping things. I know that for me casual sex is of course about getting physical pleasure, but it’s also about wanting to feel close to some one, and when you’re not in a relationship the easiest way to do that is to do the casual no strings thing. But I’ve realised lately that it’s not helping me. I want something from my sexual partners that they can’t give to me, and it’s not their fault it’s mine, because although I’m craving the closeness I’m also blocking it because I’m fully aware that it’s casual and that they, or I could leave at any time, especially when situations happen as with casual lover and that whole mess. So I’m going to make some time for myself, which will mean my sex toys will get a good working out, but I think it’ll do me good not to be involved with absolutely anyone for a while. So hear’s to the soul searching, sort of celibate me for a while.

You just know though that when you tell yourself you can’t have sex it’s all you think about. I’ve been reading an anthology of anal erotica over the past few days, I get the feeling I'll be doing the kit cat shuffle a lot! :)

1 comment:

kristcg said...