Thursday, April 27, 2006

Another mad week gone by!
Just realised I haven't posted all week... I think i'm losing my mind!

I really just need life to slow down at the moment and let me catch up, but it's not going to and so I have to do a bit of jogging and catch up with life!

Monday was spent trying to finish off my essay and doing more work for uni, and so was pretty uneventful. Monday night we went to bed at about eleven and
made love and fell asleep at around twelvish. I was woken at four by puking sounds coming from the bathroom, and DL was nowhere in sight. Dragging myself
out of sleep I went in to the bathroom and found her kneeling over the loo emptying out the romantic meal we'd eaten earlier. She was up and down from
the bedroom to the bathroom for the rest of the night, and all of Tuesday, and I ended up taking the morning off because neither of us got much sleep,
to look after her. Poor thing, she just lay on the sofa all day not moving, and that was how I knew she felt like shit, because she usually insists on
getting up to do things. She started to get hungry later in the evening, and she'd tried some toast a little earlier and kept it down, so I made her a
baked potato with chicken, and she managed to keep most of it down thankfully. We went to bed on Tuesday night, and she slept right through until mid day
on Wednesday, which did her the world of good. She's feeling much better now.

On Wednesday I dragged my very tired self out of bed and made it in to uni for both lectures. I also handed in my crappy essay, which I neither had the
energy or the inclination to make any better than it was, and have no idea what kind of mark I'll get for it, not a high one I'm thinking. DL was awake
when I got back home, and her friend Jackson was visiting from Dorset, so the two of us and him and Doofus went to the pub for lunch, which was great!
We spent most of the afternoon in there, and then DL and I went to the hairdressers to get hair cuts. In the evening DL went to see Doofus, and Kim came
round with poetry and Baclava (don't ask me how to spell it, it's a turkish/greek pastry), and I opened a bottle of wine. It was really great to catch
up with her, as I hadn't seen her since before easter, she read some of her amazing poetry to me, and we chatted about everything you could think of until
midnight, when I protested that I had to be up early and she left. Twas a fab evening though!

This is where the drama comes in. I have no idea what happened to me last night, the only thing I can say is that for some reason I completely lost the
plot for a couple of hours. DL arrived home just after midnight, and I was a bit miffed at how late it had gotten (which was both our fault), because I
wanted some loving. So we got in to bed, and she chose that moment to tell me that when her mother phoned earlier, she said that she wanted DL to come
and work with her in her office in London for the time being. This would mean that DL would be in London during the week and come back here at the weekends.
Well I don't know, I just completely lost it. I guess I took it personally that she expected or even considered that DL would half move out of the home
we've put so much effort in to making wonderful together, to go and live back with her parents during the week, leaving me here on my own for 90 per cent
of the time. I'm sorry, but we are not paying the price we are to live here to have a semi long distance relationship. If that was an option, DL would
have looked for a job in London when she graduated, and I would have moved in with other students, so at least I wouldn't be on my own. Anyway I got really
angry and upset, and said that her mum obviously didn't value our relationship very much and it was obvious she hadn't given a thought to how I would feel
about the situation, and lots more irrational things. It all came because I hadn't realised until then how stressed I've been lately, what with uni, stuff
with my mum etc etc, and I guess I didn't have time to rejuvinate over easter because we were in London. So basically I fell apart and cried for two hours
solid. It was horrible actually, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Every time I tried to stop I couldn't, it just got worse, and I thought it
would never stop. To be fair, DL was wonderful, she just kept telling me everything would work out with my mother and her mother and uni and everything,
and she held me and told me she loved me, and that she hadn't even considered her mother's offer etc etc. We eventually settled down at around three this
morning, and I missed a lecture at ten, but made it in for eleven. I feel much better today, I guess I just lost the plot temporarily. I'm still a bit
miffed that her mother on the one hand is lovely to me and seems to support our commitment, and then on the other hand she does things which I feel completely
undermines it. I think she'd just be happier if DL said she was moving back home for good. Even if I was ok with her going to London, and she wanted to,
we both talked this morning and agreed it wouldn't solve the long term problem of finding a permenant job, because while she's working in London, she's
not looking for a job here, and still paying rent to only half live in our house, so what would be the point. Anyway, that was last night lol, crazy I

I have to go to the doctors shortly to sort out my injections for Africa, and don't think we're doing a lot tonight. Tomorrow my dad's coming over with
the dog for the day, and there's a possibility that my uncle, aunty and their two kids are coming to visit for the weekend. I just want to shut myself
away from the world for a while and collect my thoughts, and prepare myself for the next few months. The trouble is there's no let up, for a while at least,
I'm just going to have to keep going. I know I must sound like a moaning bitch, because people have things to deal with that are much worse, I guess I'm
just a bit stressed and worn out. Still here though, and will keep you posted.

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