Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I feel awful today. Well, truthfully I’ve been feeling bad for a few days now, but this morning it’s almost unbarable. Today I lay in bed way past the time I should have gotten up, just trying not to think and not wanting to get up and have to face the world. When I did get up, I made a bowl of serial and cried in to it. Today I feel like I did when DL and I first split up a couple of months back. Most of the time I’m ok, as much as in that I can deal with things and get on with it. But other times, like now, the pain comes in short sharp bursts that physically take my breath away and leave me aching inside. All I want to do at the moment is sleep. I can’t sleep enough. I think it’s because when I’m sleeping, I’m not feeling or thinking, and so I constantly feel tired throughout the day, sluggish and like I can’t think straight. Am I depressed? I don’t know. I don’t like that label because it suggests it’s something that is happening to you that you cannot control, and I’d like to think I can to some extent. The truth is, that although I’m getting on and moving on with my life, sometimes I miss her so badly that all I can think about is hearing her voice, or being held by her. I know that right now she thinks that I’m pushing her away because I don’t need her, when in actual fact I’m doing it so that she has the space and time to get over me so that we can hopefully have a friendship out of this mess. But sometimes it’s so hard, when all I want to do is call her and tell her how much I miss her and how I hate not talking, and that she’s the person that knows me best and I wouldn’t have to even say all those things because she’d already know anyway. I just hurt, and right now I feel like I can’t deal with the pain. I just want to shut myself away and sleep, sleep for hours, days, until I can wake up feeling ok again. I want to reach out to her, lean on her, but I can’t and won’t because it’s not fair. How is she ever going to heal if I’m constantly pulling at the stitches? I guess I just need to find another way of coping that doesn’t involve her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I made the decision I did, and I think that it’s for the best, but sometines I just miss her more than I can stand. Now I have to get ready to leave the house and find a way to somehow get through the rest of today.