Lovers and Friends

If I’m honest this week has been a nightmare. DL and I have either been in tears or angry with each other, or more like she has been angry with me, and I’ve been feeling guilty. Doofus has been staying to keep DL company so that was good for her, but it’s just been awkward between us. We’ve never really been just friends, and so A it’s hard to know how to act, and B you can’t just make the transition from being lovers to being friends overnight, especially not when you’re hurting as much as this.

Monday I spent in tears, unable to work, not doing a lot. On Tuesday I devoted myself to advertising the spare room on the internet from the start of January. We’ve agreed that DL will move out, and I think she’s decided to stay in Sheffield rather than move back with her parents in London because she’s being kept on until easter at her job, and her therapist is up here too. On Tuesday night I went out with friends, and to be honest I didn’t enjoy myself. I guess I wasn’t ready to face the world, and after a short time I got tired of sleezy men trying to dance with me and came home and went to bed.

On Wednesday I worked during the day and then went to choir in the evening. Came back and had a two hour discussion with DL, because she was furious that I’d taken a toy out of our collection to use, and she was also hurt that I’d advertised the room so soon. I guess on reflection it was a little hasty and I probably should have consulted with her more before doing so, but I just didn’t know what to do for the best and after being beside myself I wanted to be more proactive. Anyway we kind of made up on Wednesday night, and agreed that we would still go to the Christina Aguilera concert on Friday together.

On Thursday my mother descended on us for the day, and apart from the fact that she tried to reorganise the spare room, which is for the moment my room, which included moving everything around, going through my chest of draws and putting underwear, nighties, everything in a different order and in different places, going through my entire wardrobe and sorting out my supposed winter collection of clothes and putting everything else in other places, moving the cd’s by my stereo so I had no idea what was what, and generally making a huge mess of things she was very supportive. I did go nuts at the room reorganisation, it consisted of me shouting things like, “how would you like it if I came in to your house and went through all your stuff?” and, “there are personal items in my draws, I wouldn’t go through your underwear!” etc etc. I later also discovered that on remaking my bed she’d moved my vibrator from under the pillow and placed it on the bedside table, that is so out of line! When she discovered that DL and I had been on a break for the past month her comment was, “why didn’t you tell me? I’m your mother, I should know everything”, which just about sums it up really. Anyway like I said besides all that she was very emotionally supportive which was great, and we went shopping after she forced me to go to the only class I’d attended that week, and she didn’t leave until around eight in the evening after making sure I’d eaten something. The rest of Thursday evening and the whole of Friday was spent editing an essay I had due in, which I’m not expecting to get good marks for at all, and then in the evening DL and I went to see Christina, which was absolutely fantastic!!!

So, to sum up, DL and I have figured we can’t really go on living together with the way things are at the moment, not if we want to salvage any kind of relationship out of things, and thankfully Sarah has offered us her spare attic bedroom, and I’m moving there tomorrow as DL will have enough moving to do after Christmas. So we’re going to spend some time apart before Christmas, and then obviously DL is leaving and we’ll have some distance for a while, after which we’ll either try and have a friendship, or perhaps start dating again and take things slowly. I’m not making any promises though, things could easily go one way or the other and DL knows that. This isn’t a break, we have broken up, so no one is leading anyone anywhere.

I’ve also been mortified by DL’s mother’s behaviour. I wasn’t expecting her to be fine with things, but I certainly didn’t expect the reaction I got either. I’m the world’s worsed according to her, I never really loved DL as much as she loved me, apparently if I’d loved her I wouldn’t have gone to Africa, and I’ve been leading her on for a long time, apparently! I’m both furious and very hurt by her horrible words, especially because I feel that saying things like that is not being supportive to DL and I can see that it’s hurting her. All I can say is that I want to be happy, and just because she’s been in a loveless marriage for the past fifteen years doesn’t mean I’m going to follow suit just to keep the peace. I know I sound bitter, but I am really because even though DL is her daughter, she is totally unjustified in what she is saying. A few weeks ago she was calling me and saying that we had her support whenever we needed it, now she hates my guts and was being sickly sweet to Doofus who she claims to dislike and threw money at her for coming to stay here. Talk about fickle.

Anyway on a lighter note, I think me going to stay with Sarah is a positive move and hopefully it’ll mean we don’t end up at each other’s throats. That’s the last thing I want, and although we’re no longer together I still love her dearly and I hate seeing her hurting. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen at Christmas, I’m trying not to think about it, although I have had several kind offers to go and visit friends and my mother is gnagging me to go back home. I really don’t know what’s happening to everyone at the moment, most of the couples I know are having some kind of difficulties, it must be something in the water I think.
Sorry this post is a bit all over the place, I’ve just got so much to say and I don’t really know how. I guess I’ll have to post more often. Will let you know how it goes in the new digs, if I can get an internet connection that is, I’ll go crazy if I can’t.