Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Here in Limbo

I'm stil here.
Just about.
She was away last week, now she's back.
That week I cried everyday. I struggled to go in to uni, but I did go. My mum visited for her birthday and I kept it together, i think that was when I stopped crying.
I haven't cried since.
I just feel... How do I feel? I don't know.
She's back now. She came back on Friday.
We made love.
I know that was bad, I know we shouldn't have done, and maybe we, I, did so for the wrong reasons. But on Friday night we spent the night together, and right then, right there, it was what we both needed to do.
We haven't slept together since.
I'm back in the spare room again.
On Saturday we went to York to the arts festival. We had a great day, and the same on Sunday when we went shopping.
But everything is weird between us.
We don't know how to be around each other. We've never been just friends, and so sometimes we hug and laugh and seem to be close, other times we are distant and there's a barrier, a wall between us, a wall of uncertainty.
Every night we reluctantly part and go to our separate beds.
But it's like she said, she wants it to be her I miss, not just a body in my bed.
She's so determined that we'll give it another go, one last chance. I don't know how I feel about it.
I feel like I need to escape from inside my own head.
I'm not sleeping propperly. I'm missing morning lectures because I can't sleep at night, and then when I do fall asleep I over sleep.
I'm tired. So very tired.
Next week I'm going to London to see Baby G. Maybe that'll help.
Then it's decision time.

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