Filling in the gaps

I’m writing this mainly because the thought of going to bed and trying to get to sleep is not a nice one right now. My brain needs to be active, because when I sit or lie around not doing much I have too much time to think.

I read back through some blog posts and realised just how little I’ve been actually saying over these past few weeks. That’s mainly, like I said before because I didn’t and still don’t know how to. Last Wednesday night I made the decision to end my relationship with DL. Things haven’t been good between us for a long time and I don’t see them getting any better, we’re just making each other miserable and that’s not the way it’s supposed to be. So all through choir I was dreading going back home. We hardly spoke in the car, and then she went straight to bed. I tried and failed to eat my dinner through knots in my stomach and tears running down my cheeks. Then I cried quietly but hysterically on the phone to a friend, and afterwards sat down and composed a letter to DL. My plan was to take the easy way out and leave while she was at work that coming Friday and escape to my mum’s house for the weekend. It didn’t quite work out like that though. I was dreading going to bed, because I knew that if I slept in the spare room she’d wake up and come and find me, and I didn’t particularly want to sleep next to her either, pretending everything was fine. But when I got in to bed thinking she was asleep and didn’t cuddle her, she asked what was wrong and wouldn’t let up until I told her the truth. It was truly horrible. I’m not proud of myself and it tore me apart to witness the hurt I caused her. She was frantic, crying hysterically and imploring me to change my mind. We moved to the living room and she cried and paced while I sat feeling numb and miserable, trying to tell her it was too late to go back. She refused to accept it, begging me not to do it, saying that she knew I still loved her and that we could work it out. We went on like this for some time, she said she couldn’t live without me and that nothing mattered if we weren’t together, me trying to convince her otherwise. It was awful, one minute she was broken, the next she would be angry, asking me how I could do this to her and so on. In the end, she calmed down a little and asked if we could just take a break, to see how things went before I made my decision, and that’s where we’re at right now. That night we went to bed together and just held each other, both too upset to say much, and the following day I moved in to the spare room. She’s now arranged to see a therapist to try and deal with some of her issues, a lot of which have a negative impact on the relationship. We’re spending a month apart, the first week physically as she’s gone to stay with her parents, and I’ll stay in the spare room after that and we’ll try and live as friends while we both work out our issues, then we’ll decide what to do.

I’m not sure how I feel right now if I’m honest, or what I want to do. Part of me feels that now we’ve come this far there’s no going back. We, I, said too much and I don’t know if the relationship is salvageable. I’m questioning everything at the moment, whether I still love her, whether I want to go back, whether I can be without her, whether I want to be single again, whether it’s worth fighting for…

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions right now. I spent the first two days crying, now I feel terribly sad, but numb. I’m here alone and I don’t mind it really, it’s just the nights that are the worsed. Going to bed and trying to sleep. More than anything right now I just want to be held, not quick hugs, but some one to stay with me and just hold me and let me cry and let everything go, just lie with me all night and for that to be ok. I haven’t told many people what’s going on, but those I have told are being really supportive, but that’s not something you can ask of your friends really. I don’t know how I’m going to go through this week concentrating on work and going to lectures. I just want to shut the world out and lose myself in books or music. I’ve also had a permenant hang over for the past three days and will have to start eating more and drinking less. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk about it really, but at the same time I need support. I feel so torn, like I’m being wripped in half, one part saying one thing, the other the exact opposite.
I just hurt. That’s all I can say right now.