Monday, November 13, 2006

Break up.

Yesterday afternoon I finally told DL it's over. It was the most horrible and painful thing I've had to do. I think I've come to the realisation that no matter what she does now, it's too late for me, for us, and that my feelings for her have changed beyond anything i can repair. These past few months have taken their tole more than I orrigionally thought, and things just aren't right and I don't think that with time they'll be ok.
We were supposed to spend christmas together to see how it went, but I felt like I would be lying to both myself and DL and giving her a false sense of hope where I know there isn't any if i did that. Her mum has also started telling the famliy we're together. How ironic that it's the one thing I wanted more than anything, and now it's happened it's at completely the wrong time, and it only made me panic because I didn't know if I wanted to be with her. So yesterday I was totally honest with her about the way I felt.
I told her I wasn't in love with her anymore and that no matter what she did, I didn't think I could get that back. We both cried, she gave me the eternity ring I bought her back, then she started getting angry, asking if I'd ever loved her in the first place. I left the house to go and stay at a friend's, and I've come back this morning to find she's moved everything I own in to the spare room, and she's taken all the photos of us out of their frames and turned them face down.
I don't even know if she's at work, she could have gone back to London for all I know. I dont know how to deal with what's happening. I know I'm the one who's ended it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still love her dearly and if I could change the way I feel, I would. I can't stop crying and it's frightening.
She says she's going to her parents every weekend from now until christmas, when I think she'll move out. There's no way we can live here together, so I now have the job of finding another flat mate, because there's no way I can afford to pay the full rent on my own. I hate every damn minute of it.
Her mother now hates me, they were on the phone for ages yesterday and I'm the worsed person in the world right now. I can't blame either of them for thinking that I suppose, I just have to say that I really didn't ask for any of this, and I wanted more than anything for us to work. I can't imagine being with some one else right now, my future was with her and I can't think about life without her in it at the moment.
It's all just so painful, and I've broken both our hearts and I hate myself for that. I hate watching us break down like this, destroying everything we had, going back to being estranged, awkward with each other, distant, hurt and angry. I hate it all.
She's my best friend and I want more than anything to talk to her and cry and I know I can't do that because she's the one I've hurt the most.
I'm sorry, just so sorry.


Kristina said...

Oh man, I'm so sorry. I was hoping things would work out for you. I love the two of you.

I'm a reader of DF and SF and WAS on the board, as Bewitched.

I'm just blown away by your break up. I hope you two can find some peace and able to remain on friendly terms.

Wish I could know the two of you in person.

Hugs for you both and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Kristina said...

SF and FS....gosh, not sure why I can't get that right. Still don't know. I can't even figure out for sure if it's Cat and "Kerri".
I've been reading long enough to know, but can't seem to get it together. Sorry. You know who I mean though.

High Maintenance Femme said...

Christina, thank you for your words of comfort. It's all a bit of a nightmare right now, but hopefully things will improve soon, I'm trying to be positive. I'll keep you posted.

Anonymous said...

Awww Hayley! I'm sorry to hear that. I feel really bad I'm so far away, but if you ever need to chat, don't forget I'm still here and we've known each other for ages-so don't think you are imposing on me.

If you get a break, come to Belgium. The sights here are lovely to take your mind off things!

Hai-Man xXx

Deadly Female said...

Hey sweetie, you know my offer still stands. Just stay in touch, you have my numbers xx