Friday, October 13, 2006

Work and Play

I’ve been doing a lot of both in the past week, but I get the feeling that after going out tonight, it’ll be all work and no play over the weekend.

Monday was a bit of a weird day all in all. In one respect I felt like I could do anything, in another very insecure about my ability to perform, and no, for once I’m not talking sexually. For the first time since starting the creative writing module this semester, I suddenly found myself sitting around a table with about ten other people, feeling very self conscious about my work. I was one of the last to read mine out this week, and while everyone else was reading all I could think was how poor my quality of writing is compared to theirs. I’m sure everyone must feel like that to some extent, but it’s the first time it’s really hit me, and the first time I felt reluctant when asked to read my stuff out loud. I’m trying to do as much writing as possible, but at the moment it’s coming in little bursts that don’t usually last more than half an hour before I hit a wall, and I’ve also realised I find it difficult to construct characters that aren’t at all like myself. I really need to learn to distance myself from the characters and stories I write, and try to put as little of me in there as possible, or else they’ll start to get samey. I’m kind of regretting taking the module in a way, because it doesn’t hold the safety of writing two literary essays like the other modules do, this is all about my work, how imaginative and constructive I can be with my own writing, and I’m shit scared I won’t be able to perform to a high enough standard to get decent marks. So I’m now slightly regretting taking the option that isn’t so comfortable, but I’m hoping that in the long run I’ll gain useful insight in to how to improve my work.

The positive feelings I had on Monday concerned the possibility of a job starting next September. It’s the fast streme for graduates scheme with the civil service, and you can work in all sorts of different departments. The application process is very complicated, you have to take a series of online tests, and then go to a centre to be assessed before you’re even considered for an interview. In some cases, like with the diplomatic service which I’m most interested in, the successful candidates are then chosen by a board of people, so the chances of actually getting the job are quite slim I would say unless you’re super good. But in any case I’ve started the application process, and fingers crossed I’ll get somewhere. If I do get a job it’ll mean moving to London, but we wanted to do that anyway, it’ll just be sooner rather than later.

I caught DL’s cold on Tuesday, and so missed a lecture on Wednesday because I felt crappy, and just pottered about all day before going to choir in the evening, which I’m still really enjoying. I plan to spend today working as much as possible, and tonight a group of us are going to Fuel, the main gay club in town. Tomorrow night I’m working the night shift, so I’ll be sleeping some of Sunday away and then finishing off work in time for next week. I’m going to make the most of having time alone with DL, because next weekend we’re going to my mum’s as it’s her birthday, and then the following week is half term, so DL has the week off work and her mum and cousin are coming to stay. I’m not looking forward to having her cousin here to be honest, because the dog has taken a dislike to him and he tries to wind her up as much as possible without anyone noticing, so I’ll have to keep an eye on them both. To be honest a good bite on the ass is what he needs, but it can’t come from my lil pooch or she’ll have to retire and then I would have to murder some one.
Right, back to work…

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