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Don't you just hate it when you revisit some one's blog only to find they haven't updated? Well I've added email subscriptions so that you don't have to keep checking back. Just enter your email address in the subscription box on this page and you'll apparently be notified every time I update. See? Don't say I don't think about my readers. :)

from sexually frustrated to sexually satisfied. Mmmmmmmmm. And what a fine ass she had.

Why I love London

I was sitting on the tube this afternoon listening to my Ipod as usual, when a realisation hit me like a tidal wave. The answer to why I love London so much. I' first came to London when I was about to turn fifteen. The reason behind the visit was that I had attempted suicide. I don't want to go in to that in this post, but relates to
this post
On leaving hospital my parents, who tried to bury their heads in the sand back then thought it would be a good idea for us to get away for the weekend. So they booked a trip to London, and I remember crying and saying I didn't want to go. Back then it was a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning and pull myself through each day and the thought of going away for an action packed weekend, and trying to act like everything was ok tore me up inside. But when we arrived I felt the pull of the city. For those of you who haven't been, and even those who have and just don't feel it, I think there is a buzz to London, an energy that I haven't felt anywhere else I've been. It's in the city's history, the architecture, the exclusive hotels that cater to the stars, the tourists taking pictures, the joggers running with the Thames, the blasting car horns, the millions of cyclists on the road that everyone curses, the expensive houses that no one can really afford to buy unless they are filthy rich and then what Americans would call the Gettoe or the Projects. It's in the people, from the professional business people in suits working in huge office buildings, to the homeless people and the prostitutes and the pimps and the rent boys. I felt this energy the first time I visited, and although I was deeply depressed at the time, something lifted my spirits and I actually managed to make the most of the time we spent here. I returned many times after that, to visit friends I had made who lived in London, and then to spend time with DL's family when we were together. I had known for a long time that I wanted to live here, I felt as though it were my destiny to do so, but I never really knew why. And today I think I finally figured it out. I love London because I feel I belong here. I fit in here, I don't stand out, either as a gay woman, or as a blind woman. I can travel around this city, the biggest city in the UK by myself because of the underground system, , something I struggle to do anywhere else. I don't have to rely on anyone, if I want to go somewhere, I just go. For most people that is perfectly normal anyway, but it never has been for me. I know I don't talk about my blindness much on here and that's because I firstly don't see it as something that defines who I am, and I wouldn't want other people to think of it as my defining quality either. But being able to just up and go somewhere, travel for an hour, two hours to get to the other side of the city is something I can do here as easily as making a cup of tea and it's something I marvel at every time I do it. As soon as I go anywhere else I either have to spend a fortune on cabs, or rely on some one to drive me places because like I said, the underground system hasn't beenn recreated anywhere else in the UK. And it's not just that. The things that I can do here as a gay woman, pick a group for each night of the week to go to and meet people, go to discussions at gay book shops, go to lesbian sex parties, women only bars, gay festivals, gay cafes, all this creates such a sense of belonging. I mean sure of course there are homophobes here, that goes without saying, it's just the enormity of what I as a lesbian am able to do is phenominal. So I think I've figured out why it feels more like home than anywhere else I've ever lived. Because the two things that have been hardest to deal with in my life, both for myself and other people, my lesbianism and my blindness, well neither of them are a battle in this city. They are accepted, they are encouraged, supported, aided. Sure it gets lonely sometimes, it can feel like the harshest and loneliest city in the world at times because it is so big and there are so many people. But when people say to me, "how can you live in London, it's so intimidating," I smile and say, "it's not intimidating, it's amazing, and it's my home. It's where I belong."

Porn with breakfast

leads to two things...
A session with my battery opperated friends
and
cold toast.

Speaking of my BOF's, they seem to be failing me one by one lately, probably because of the amount of use they've had over the past few weeks. When indulging yesterday it was all I could do not to throw the whole lot out the window in frustration. Can you imagine the headlines?

"Small child is killed by being hit on the head by a box of sex toys hurled out of window from several floors up by a sexually frustrated lesbian."
Hmm...

They didn't go out the window however, and I managed to persuade my clit that the amount of stimulation she was getting from a rapidly dying vibrating bullet was more than enough to achieve an orgasm. Only just, though. I think it's time to take a trip to my favourite adult store to spend a small fortune on some new toys.

http://www.sh-womenstore.com

Also, I think I've discovered why I've been feeling off key, time to dig out the feminax, which by the way is fucking crap because it hasn't stopped my fucking stomach from cramping, nor altered my fucking bad mood!!!!!
Sorry about that, I'm ok now.
Fucking periods!!!
Going to curl up in bed with a cup of tea, a bar of chocolate and watch Eastenders.

Discontent

I feel out of sorts today. I have lots to do and can't settle on anything. It's not the first time I've found myself feeling like this over the past few weeks, restless, unsettled and sad about something I can't really put my finger on. I'm fine when I'm busy, but when I'm alone with my thoughts I just get overwhelmed with being inside my own head. All I seem to be doing at the moment is reading, and although that's obviously due to my passion for books, it's also a form of escapism that I find myself longing for. I guess the way I'm feeling is due to a number of things, being out of a job and all that that affects, my social status, lack of routine and depleting finances. The worry of that and not really being able to share it with some one close. Having to depend on myself alone for support. Added to not really feeling connected to anyone at the moment is all making me feel off centre. I just feel like I'm going through the motions of day to day life, rarely feeling overly happy or excited about much these days. I'm generally an optimistic person, the glass is always half full, so I suspect this mood will pass sooner rather than later, but right now it's an effort just to get up in the morning because I feel like I don't really have much to get up for. Pathetic I know because I'm living where I've always wanted too, in my own flat with potentially a great future ahead, career wise, socially and romantically if I were to meet the right person. There's just something niggling away in my head, and I feel kind of empty. I've found myself waking up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and having to force myself to go back to sleep after lying awake for what is sometimes hours. I've become terrified of the prospect of spending any length of time by myself because it gives me too much time to think, and I'm absolutely dreading the onset of christmas.
Just needed to get that off my chest really, I'll be fine. :)

Exposed

EXPOSED

THIS WEEK IS TURNING OUT TO BE QUITE A WEEK FOR SOCIAL EVENTS AND MEETING NEW PEOPLE. I’VE MAINLY BEEN GOING TO STUFF ORGANISED BY PEOPLE FROM THE BOARDS ON GB, SIGNIFICANT BECAUSE MY BLOG IS LINKED TO MY PROFILE ON THAT SITE. SOMETHING THAT WAS BOUGHT TO MY ATTENTION WHEN CHATTING TO PEOPLE IS HOW MANY PEOPLE ACTUALLY CLICK ON THE LINK AND READ IT. BECAUSE MY OLDER FRIENDS KNOW I HAVE A BLOG AND SOME HAVE BLOGS THEMSELVES WE RARELY SPEAK ABOUT WHAT I WRITE, UNLESS IT IS DRAWN TO THEIR ATTENTION FOR A SPECIFIC REASON. BUT A COUPLE OF TIMES THIS WEEK MY BLOG HAS BEEN MENTIONED BY PEOPLE I DON’T REALLY KNOW. NICE IN ONE WAY BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY HAVING A READERSHIP IS KIND OF IMPORTANT TO ME, IT’S GOOD TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE COME BACK TO IT TO FIND OUT HOW I’M DOING OR WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON, BUT MY READERSHIP HAS UP UNTIL NOW BEEN VERY CLOSE FRIENDS OR PEOPLE I DON’T KNOW. SO WHAT I DID FIND DISCONCERTING WAS THE THOUGHT THAT ANYONE WHO I MIGHT MEET WHO READS THE BLOG GETS A VERY DETAILED AND FRANK DESCRIPTION OF MY PRIVATE LIFE, WHILE I KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT THEM. NOW WE ALL KNOW THAT I’M USUALLY VERY OPEN, I’M PROUD OF MY SEXUALITY AND I’M HARDLY A WALL FLOWER, BUT I COULDN’T HELP FEELING A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN, ON GOING TO A MEET LAST NIGHT FOR LOCAL LESBIANS, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE REFERED TO THE SEX PARTY I’D BEEN TO. DON’T GET ME WRONG, IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO DISCUSS THINGS LIKE THAT, IF I WRITE ABOUT THEM AND PUT MY THOUGHTS OUT THERE FORE EVERYONE TO READ IT’S HARDLY SURPRISING THAT PEOPLE WILL COMMENT. IT JUST CONCERNS ME SLIGHTLY THAT SOME ONE WHO I COULD POTENTIALLY END UP DATING MIGHT HAPPEN TO CLICK ON TO MY BLOG, AND KNOW MY RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUAL HISTORY OF THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS, WHEREAS I HARDLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM, AT ALL. I GUESS WHAT I WAS FEELING WHEN THE TOPIC CAME UP LAST NIGHT WAS AN IMBALANCE OF KNOWLEDGE. THAT SOME OF MY MOST PRIVATE THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND FANTASIES WERE COMMON KNOWLEDGE TO THESE PEOPLE, WHEREAS I WAS ONLY JUST BEGINNING TO EVEN KNOW THEM. I GUESS IT JUST TAKES A BIT OF GETTING USED TOO, BUT I HAVE CONSIDERED REMOVING THE LINK FROM THIS PARTICULAR SITE SO THAT FEWER PEOPLE I MIGHT HAPPEN TO MEET SOCIALLY HAVE ACCESS TO THE BLOG. IT MIGHT JUST MAKE ME FEEL A BIT MORE COMFORTABLE ABOUT SAYING WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY, RATHER THAN WORRYING IT MIGHT COME UP WITH SOME ONE I’M ON A DATE WITH, OR GETTING TO KNOW SOCIALLY. IT COMES BACK TO THE FACT THAT THERE’S ALWAYS A BATTLE WITH BLOGGING IN TERMS OF PRIVACY. DO YOU REMAIN COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS, NOT DISCLOSE YOUR IDENTITY TO ANYONE, NOT LINK YOUR BLOGS ANYWHERE ONLINE? OR DO YOU DO AS I HAVE CHOSEN TO, AND BE COMPLETELY OPEN, NO HIDDEN IDENTITIES, WRITE FRANKLY AND HONESTLY AND JUST DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT PEOPLE PROBABLY KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU DO THEM.

ANYWAY, ENOUGH OF MY PRIVACY CONCERNS…
I MET A LOVELY GROUP OF WOMEN ON MONDAY NIGHT. I WENT TO A MEET FOR FEMMES WHO LIKE FEMMES AT A BAR IN TOWN AND IT WAS GREAT. THERE WERE SOME EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN PRESENT WHICH IS ALWAYS A BONUS, AND I MADE FRIENDS WITH A REALLY LOVELY COUPLE WHO I’VE INVITED ROUND FOR DINNER SOMETIME. ON TUESDAY MY MOTHER ARRIVED FOR HER BIRTHDAY WITH MY UNCLE IN TOE WHICH WAS A SURPRISE, AND I TOOK THEM TO COVENT GARDEN WHERE WE DID SOME SHOPPING AND I BOUGHT A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS AND SOME NEW TIMS, AND IN THE EVENING WE WENT TO AN IRANIAN RESTAURANT RECOMMENDED BY A WOMAN FROM THE FEMMES MEET. THE FOOD WAS DELICIOUS, ALTHOUGH GETTING MY FAMILY TO APPRECIATE FOOD THAT ISN’T BRITISH OR ITALIAN IS QUITE DIFFICULT. LAST NIGHT I WENT TO A MEET UP FOR GAY WOMEN IN THE LOCAL AREA, WHICH WAS GOOD BECAUSE A I DIDN’T HAVE TO TRAVEL VERY FAR AND B IT’S NICE TO GET TO KNOW PEOPLE WHO LIVE FAIRLY LOCALLY. TONIGHT I HAVE A DATE WHICH I’M QUITE LOOKING FORWARD TOO, I’VE ONLY SPOKEN TO THE WOMAN I’M MEETING ONLINE SO IT’LL BE INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT SHE IS LIKE. SPEAKING OF WHICH I’D BETTER GO AND GET READY OR I’LL BE LATE.

** ** **

JUST GOT BACK FROM THE DATE, WHICH WAS VERY NICE. THE WOMAN I MET WAS INTELLIGENT, A GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST AND SHE MADE ME LAUGH WHICH IS ALWAYS GOOD. MY POINT WAS PROVEN ENTIRELY THOUGH WHEN, PART WAY THROUGH DINNER SHE SAID, “SO… I’VE READ SOME OF YOUR BLOG.” IMMEDIATELY MY HEART SANK AND I KNEW WHAT WAS COMING NEXT. “DID YOU REALLY GO TO THAT SEX PARTY?”
SO AFTER WE DISCUSSED SAID PARTY I COULDN’T HELP SAYING, “OK SO NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME YOUR SEXUAL HISTORY.” AND I DID EXPLAIN TO HER THAT THE IMBALANCE MADE ME SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE. WE HAD A LAUGH ABOUT IT THOUGH AND MY SEXUAL ANTICS DIDN’T SEEM TO PHASE HER. MAYBE IT COULD BE A GOOD THING THAT WOMEN KNOW HOW ADVENTUROUS I CAN BE BECAUSE THEN THEY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE LETTING THEMSELVES IN FOR, HEEHEE. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I REALLY AM GOING TO REMOVE THE LINK BECAUSE I WOULD MUCH RATHER MY ADVENTUROUS SIDE BE BOUGHT UP IN CONVERSATION BECAUSE I WANT IT TO BE, NOT BECAUSE SOME ONE HAS READ ALL ABOUT IT. I HAD A LOVELY EVENING THOUGH AND CAN SEE A POTENTIAL FRIENDSHIP FORMING IF NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS. SO WHAT’S THE PLANB FOR THE WEEKEND? I’M OUT TOMORROW NIGHT, AND THEN I’M NOT SURE WHAT’S GOING ON THE REST OF THE TIME, THIS IS THE WEEKEND I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOING TO THE LESBIAN ARTS FESTIVAL WITH DL WHICH I’M OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO NOW, SO MAYBE I’LL DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS INSTEAD.

Also, appologies if this post has come out in capital letters, my lap top appears to be having a fit.

Boo!

I have a cold!
I thought I was doing well this year, most of the people I know having had one at some point. And there I was thinking how good my immune system must be, until yesterday. I met Mr C and his girlfriend in the pub in the afternoon for food and drinks, and I noticed I started feeling a bit ropey after we headed back to mine, and this morning I feel worse. Kind of a bit fuzzy with a sore throat and sneezing. We spent almost the entire evening talking about sex last night. I don't quite kno why, but it just happened that way. I think I know more about their sex life now than I perhaps wanted too, the most amusing point is that Mr C has to stop for a rest half way through these days, heehee. I'm also leading in the slut stakes as he now has a steady girlfriend and I'm single, so I've overtaken him in the numbers of women bedded contest lol. Very childish, but highly amusing to see him looking quite concerned when I mentioned it yestterday. I also got rather concerned when he said he'd been watching a porn clip on the internet the other day and one of the women in it sounded a lot like me.
"You are joking," I said, thinking back to the home movies I'd made with DL in the past., and wondering if she'd started to hate me enough to put them on the net. So when we got back here I made him download the clip he'd seen just to check it wasn't me, which thankfully it wasn't. But then we ended up spending the rest of the evening watching lesbian porn and discussing the joys of anal sex and fisting. Hmmm.

So today I'm meeting my friend Caroline for coffee and cake and then tomorrow my busy week starts. I just hope I don't feel too ill to have to stay in bed and miss anything.

Wrist worries

Is it possible to get RSI through too much quim frapping? I'm asking myself this as, being off work, all I seem to have done this week is job hunt, and wank to relieve the bordom and stress of job hunting. I noticed today that I had a dull ache in my wrists, hmm, I'm starting to get worried. I'm also steadily breaking my toys, will have to go to Shush and restock I think. This week has been fairly quiet, hence all the frapping going on, next week however is a different story.
Monday: I'm going to a femmes who like femmes meet.
Tuesday: my mother is visiting for her birthday and staying until Wednesday.
Wednesday: mother departing, and then I have a choice, yes a choice in the evening. Either the usual commedy night, or there's another meet, this time for lesbians in my local area. This one looks more appealing this week as the majority of my friends don't live anywhere near me, and that needs to change.
Thursday: I have a date. Sort of. It's with some one I've been matched with by some one who runs a match making thread on a site I use a lot.
Friday: I think I'm going to a club night with some friends.

I do like having a full diary. I don't like spending too much time alone, and being off work really isn't helping. As far as this weekend goes it's stretching ahead and I have absolutely nothing planned. So very depressing. More quim frapping then.

Am I becoming a Sex Blogger?

I'm getting slightly concerned that the majority of my posts these days seem to be about sex, so... Let's take a break for a while and see how long I can go without mentioning it...

I went out for lunch with HBS today. Haven't seen her in a few months and it was actually quite cool to catch up and find out what she's been up too. Yesterday I really didn't do much, should have spent more time looking for work than I did but i just ended up chatting on the phone, procrastinating on the internet and watching crap tv. I need to stay motivated or I'll end up in a rut. Oh some good news though, I've gotten through to the assessment round for a graduate scheme, so that's something at least. O called me last night and we had a lovely chat. He's back from LA now and we're going to have dinner at some point soon. I'm also trying to sort out having a dish washer fitted in my kitchen, after having one for three years and now having to wash dishes myself I find I'm absolutely hating it and really miss having one. I know it's really pure laziness but it's much more convenient, especially if people come round for dinner. This afternoon I should really do some washing, tidy the flat and then I'm going out to the usual Tuesday meet tonight, all being well.

That's about all I have to report.

See, that was a clean post, I can do it!

Sex Party

Women trickle in one by one at first, introduce themselves, start chatting, get a drink. Then more women arrive, thicker and faster now as the time to start playing games is almost here. Women take up their positions, the games begin. Women start kissing, sharing fantasies, taking off clothing. They eventualy move through to the various other rooms and after some time you follow.

Women on beds, women on floors, their bodies intertwined, kissing, touching, licking, sucking, fucking, moaning, panting, sliding, rubbing, bighting, spanking. And you, you are in the middle of it all, both nipples in other peoples mouths, two pairs of hands exploring your body, each of your hands and your mouth on some one else's body. You are being fucked, and getting fucked, sometimes you know who by, other times not.

Every once in a while you stroll through to the kitchen, naked, to get refreshments, and to go to the bathroom and freshen up. That's when you are acosted by a beautiful mediterranean woman who appears to be alone and not involved in the play. She touches your face, your skin, your breasts, lets her hands slide down your body telling you how beautiful you are, how soft your skin is and how she is finding it difficult to converse with the other women because her English is not good. So you start conversing in her language, not yours, and when you struggle to find the words you kiss, tongues find each other, bodies press close. She is still fully dressed, you are not. She pushes you against the counter, grinding, thrusting her hips. You fumble to put down your drink, take her hands and guide her through to a bedroom. There is no space on the bed, so you lie on the floor and start fucking her. She is open, wet, willing, curvatious and supple. Your fingers glide with ease, she thrusts harder, you fuck faster. Then you are on your back and she is between your legs, her head buried. There are women in the doorway watching you and also the people on the bed. Some one comes up behind your mediterranean lover and spanks her arse. She moans and you shudder with pleasure. Later you are in the other bedroom up against the wall, she is fucking you hard and you are holding on to her, moaning, arching your back and lifting your hips. After a while you slide a hand between her legs and you are rocking, fucking, inside each other simultaniously. Then suddenly she lets herself go and gushes everywhere, hot, wet, sticky ejaculation. It takes you both by surprise and the women watching murmer in appreciation. Then you are on a bed with her, still inside each other while two women who are lying next to you do the same.

At a later point you lie on the floor of a room, watching three women on a bed. One is fucking the other two with a dildo on each thigh. It's hot, very hot. There is a woman on the floor next to you also watching, and you can feel the heat of her excitement. You lie back and place a hand between your own legs, letting her watch this too.

Later still there is a group of you lying in bed, so close together you are skin to skin. You talk and laugh and try to sleep although it is somewhat impossible. But it is nice to feel the warmth of a body next to you, some one's arm around your waste as you lie with your back to them in a drowsy state of bliss, your mind reeling at the things you have just experienced.

Those are just some of the highlights of last night...
What an incredible set of memories!

Paris

I'm going to Paris! My friend Simon, the one who moved there a few weeks ago just called and he wants me to go and stay for a few days. He's a male nanny out there which I think is hilarious! So I'm going to take the euro star in a couple of weekends time and go spend a few days. I haven't been to Paris since I was a child, and I'm so excited. It'll be a wonderful opurtunity to revamp my french, plus it's an amazing city in its own right. Simon has a room right in the centre which is apparently very tiny, and on a famous bulivard, the name of which escapes me now. So I have to find out how much the tickets will be, find some one to look after Una for me, and then I'm off!
Aaaah! i'm going to Paris I'm going to Paris I'm going to Paris!!!

oh my god it's tomorrow!

I've hand washed my sexy black dress...
I've decided on shoes...
I've been out and purchased 2 bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka to help overcome my nerves... (think that's a bit excessive?)
Tomorrow I will pluck, preen, expholiate and moisturise to make sure my skin looks and feels gorgeous...
All i have to do now is decide on jewelery for the event. The dress is black as I said and I'll wear gold eye shadow and lip gloss, so silver jewelery doesn't really cut it, and I don't have much gold. Hmm... Maybe my pink stones? Or clear cristal?
I spoke to some one online yesterday who has been before and is going again. She too was very nervous but assured me that everyone is very friendly and you won't be on your own for long. *grin*
All I have to do now is get there looking fuckable...

In other news, I've had two successive dinner dates cancelled in a row. Yesterday my friend DT and her boyfriend had to cancel because she was working late, and today I was supposed to go to an ex coleagues house for dinner, but he texted this morning saying he'd completely forgotten and could we rearrange. Lol!
*sniffs own arm pits to see if they are omiting an unpleasant odour of some sort).

So tonight, it's me, Una and dinner for one in front of the tv as no one seems to be going out.
Tomorrow night however hopefully it'll be dinner for many, and it'll be me they're feasting on!
haha!

Not so commic weirdos

Yesterday was my day for attracting the more strange members of our society. I got on the bus to come home, which is thankfully only about a five minute journey, and straight away this guy started saying, “How are ya then? How are ya?” very loudly. I smiled and said “fine thank you,” and he jumped up and gave me his seat which was very nice of him. He then sat behind me and every minute or so tapped my shoulder and said, “how are ya then, how are ya?” Then he bent down to the dog and started talking to her, saying things like, “’Av a fackin’ drink then, that’s what I say, ‘av a fackin’ drink!” I sat there silently praying he would quietly go away, and when it was my stop I willed him to stay on the bus which he thankfully did.

Last night I went to a comedy night at a very well known gay pub in London. The group of girls I meet during the week went last Wednesday but because I was up north I couldn’t go. They’d said how funny the comedians were, but honestly I haven’t laughed so much in a long time. Last night they were all women, two gay and one straight I think. The compare, I can’t remember her name, Zoe something was great, I could have watched her all night. The first act wasn’t all that great but I think it was because she was nervous and therefore her delivery suffered. She was very aggressive and it was almost like you could see her willing you to laugh at what she was saying which had the opposite effect. She got a mixed reaction from the audience. But the headline act, Kitty Flannigan (think that’s how you spell it) was absolutely fucking hilarious!!! She had me bent double in my seat, crying with laughter from the minute she walked on stage. By the end of the night my throat was hoarse from so much belly laughing and I’m sure my mascara was streaked with the tears. An absolutely fantastic night, I’m going again next week. Also my crush was there and it seemed like she made quite an effort to talk to me. I felt a bit awkward at first but then told myself not to be ridiculous and it was fine after that.

So then, on the way home, weirdo number two came along. I’ve been feeling a little anxious about coming home late at night, especially as it’s starting to get dark earlier now. But my area is a nice one and I walk along a main road so have been feeling reasonably ok with it. Last night I didn’t get to the tube station until midnight though so there was hardly anybody around. I started walking down the road, and this guy just came out of nowhere at the side of me and started saying, “here doggy doggy,” to Una, but not in a nice way, in a horrible kind of menacing way. You know when you can just tell, there are some people who are weird, sort of ok can deal with you kind of weird, and then there are those who are weird like nasty dangerous very unnerving kind of weird. Well he was one of them. He repeatedly called the dog, so I speeded her up and began to walk very quickly, baring in mind I was in heels. A bit further down the road I passed a couple of people and felt better, but then when they had gone I heard the weird guy shout something from a little way behind me. That’s when my fast walk turned in to a fast jog, and I fumbled in my bag for my phone and called F and told her to talk to me because there was a strange man following me. Thankfully I got home without incident, but it really shook me and I need to rethink how I’m going to get home now that winter is drawing in. It wasn’t at all a nice feeling and I know the next time I have to make that journey I’ll be super edgy. Ended up staying up until two talking to F on the phone, having one of our wonderful debates, this time about left or right wing politics, black culture in the UK, and prejudice among other things. I love talking to her, and things got so tense, in a good way, that we both ended up feeling rather horny and digressing to talking about fucking each other. She doesn’t have classes tomorrow an she’s threatened to come and give me a warm up session in preparation for Saturday night, not sure if she will though, haha.

Guess I’d better get back to the job hunting, joy oh joy!

Officially Unemployed, for now!

Well this is the first day I haven't really had anything to take my mind off the fact that I am A not in work, and B have to start watching my money again. Damn! I got up this morning and applied for another job before I even had breakfast, and have been doing other stuff that needs sorting out, as well as finishing off my book. I'm bored. Yep, already, I'm bored. I'm going to apply for as many jobs as possible because if I'm not back doing some kind of work soon I'll start going crazy. My brain does not do well when it's idle.

What has been keeping me busy though...
Listening to three new albums I got yesterday. Jill Scott The Real Thing, Jennifer Lopez Brave and Lil Mo Pain and Paper. They're all good, but Jill Scott is the bomb as usual. I'm so excited about going to see her in December, even more so after listening to the new album. I particularly enjoyed the track called Celibacy Blues because it's totally my situation at the moment hahha.
Although saying that F called me last night and we ended up having extremely freaky totally amazing phone sex, although I didn't think it was going to happen at one point because every toy I tried to use kept dying on me which is not good. Finally got it sorted though and gave the neighbours something to listen too lol. She's so fucking nasty and I love it. She wants to come see me again soon and I'm definitely willing to accomodate. The only problem is is she's stone and last time she gave but wouldn't receive, and I really enjoy fucking as well as getting fucked, so I'll have to do some gentle persuading and see where it gets me. God I really have to think about something else other than sex! It's being at home all day that does it. Yeah right, who am I kidding, I think about it no matter where I am, especially if it's in a place where I really shouldn't be. I had a conversation with a friend over dinner one night last week and we were talking about our sex drives. She amazed me because she said that she can go months without even really thinking about sex let alone having it, and it's usually her girlfriend who instigates it and she herself isn't really that bothered. I was like, "damn I can't even go a week without masturbating, I start getting tense and irritable if I don't come." She laughed and said I should go and see a doctor, which is ironic as that's what she's training to become. We concluded that we are at opposite ends of the libidinal spectrum, but I do often wonder if other women think about it as much as I do. I have certainly met some who do, but still I wonder if my brain is more like a man's in that sense. I guess I'm just freaky and I make no appologies for that. Only six days to go until Saturday and the party.

In other news, today marks the anniversary of when DL and I got together three years ago, and in a couple of weeks it'll be the anniversary of our separation too. I wanted to email her today to acknowledge that I remembered and I was thinking about her and hoping she is doing ok, but I haven't because I think it would do more harm than good. It's difficult because by not hearing from me I know she'll be thinking I just don't give a fuck about her when that really isn't true, but I think the best course of action, for her more than anyone is to put some distance between us. We're supposed to be going to the York Lesbian Arts Festival in a few weeks, and I'm going to have to email her and gently tell her I'm not going. It would mean us spending the weekend together and staying overnight and that would be a recipe for disaster. I do hope she's ok though and I think today should be about remembering the good times rather than the bad. How happy I was when I met her, how quickly we fell in love, how I seduced her with my charms, heehee, how I told her my feelings and asked her out and how she accepted. Those blissful first few weeks, our first kiss, walking back from a bar one night holding hands feeling dizzy with love and happiness because we'd just told her friends that we were together. The first time she told me she loved me, lying on her single bed in our shared house. How we later made love for the first time on the same bed, one of the most perfect moments of my life. And everything that followed, the dates, the holidays, the restaurants, the fun we had, the plans we made, moving in to our own home together, the gifts, the sex. I remember it all, and even though towards the end it was shit and it was the most difficult break up of my life, I'll never forget her for the happiness she gave me.I loved her then, and I love her now, very much so, just in a different way, and whatever happens, whether we end up being friends, or if we go through life without each other, I'll never forget. I'm mentally sending her the tightest hugs in the world and all the love and strength I can muster, in the hope that she too will remember the happier times we shared, and find it within herself to pick herself up and move on, and find happiness elsewhere. She deserves it.

My week up north and my week ahead

My week up north was lovely. I had time to relax, I got my hair newly cut and styled, went for a massage and had my eyebrows waxed. I bought some new clothes, went for dinner with friends, stayed with Kim for a couple of days and in the process of all that managed to send off a couple of job applications. I returned to London on Friday afternoon and only had a couple of hours to get ready to go out to meet H and S for S's 30th birthday drinks. I stayed over at their place that night as it was a long way to get back, and came home on Saturday morning. Had breakfast, a much needed orgasm and showered before again going out. This time I was going to meet some women from GB for dinner, most of whom I'd never met before. I waited outside Covent Garden station for 45 minutes not spotting anyone and convinced I'd got the time wrong or something. I was just about to leave and go home when one of the women called my mobile and we found each other. We went for dinner and drinks and I had a lovely time. I had the dog with me so didn't go clubbing but to be honest I was shattered from all the traveling I'd been doing and came home and slept like a log. Today I've not been doing much, just reading lots, watching some TV and later on Baby G is coming over to spend some time before she goes to New York later this week.

While I was at H and S's we watched a replay of Diary of a Call Girl, a docu-soap that's been on the tv, about the escapades of a call girl. In this episode she was being paid to attend an adult sex party with a client, and watching it made me really really nervous about the upcoming party on Saturday. I know it's only tv but it made me start to think about everything, and now I'm worrying about what to wear, whether I'll be confident enough to approach people or if I'll just go in to my shell because I'm so nervous. I worry that no one will find me attractive and I won't get any action, and about how I'll feel being semi nude or even naked in front of lots of other women who's bodies I'm sure will be much better than mine. I've been really good this week with food but don't seem to have lost any weight, I don't know what underwear to put on, whether to go with the smooth shaved look or whether having some hair is more preferable, god there's so much to consider! All of this is mingling with the excitement I feel about going. H and S are dog sitting for me which is great, and they're almost as excited as I am. As the time is getting closer the more I'm starting to feel aprehensive, although obviously it's a huge turn on that I'm actually doing it. The common comment among the friends that I've told seems to be "gosh I wish I had the balls to do something like that," and it's such a huge fantasy for me that it almost feels unreal that I'm actually going to go and take part in something like that. I just hope it works out in my favour!

Right now though the most exciting thing I'm doing today is reading Snowflower and the Secret Fan, which is actually great. Another book I would strongly recommend, one I've just finished, is A thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hoseini. Any recommendations from my readers?

Toyless

On Saturday when I was packing my stuff to go up north, I was in quite a lot of discomfort owing to my period. So it didn't occur to me to even think about packing a toy or too to get me through the week.
Now my period has virtually finished, and the pain is being increasingly replaced with the horn!
I realised with horror yesterday that I don't have anything with me to get me off, and to be honest I find it increasingly difficult to come without added stimulation these days.

*Counts days until time to go home*
*Looks incredibly worried*
*Heads to kitchen to find suitable looking fruit/vegetable*

Damn...!!!