Monday, August 13, 2007

Sounding off

Forgive this post, it’s more for my own peace of mind than anything else, and I’m hoping that writing it will help me lay the situation to rest a little.

Apparently some of the things I’ve said in my blog have offended BB. Some of these things I totally didn’t mean to come across as offensive, like calling the stuff with her ex, “her shit”, and others were written because they were how I felt at the time. Anyway, my writing and her reading has resulted in her being very angry and upset and now she isn’t talking to me. I think one thing I’m beginning to realise since starting a blog is that sometimes things come across in a way I don’t want them too when I write them down, and I forget that those who read don’t actually see the whole picture, only what I choose to share on here. I think that sometimes I come across as a bit of a bitch when totally not meaning too, and I’m not bitchy in the slightest, hopefully those who see me in my everyday life can testify to that. But this situation with BB has really bothered me and still is because it isn’t resolved, so here’s what I think of it.

I met BB within a few days of us exchanging messages. When we spoke on the phone I immediately knew there was a connection there because like I said before I could have spoken to her all night. She wanted to meet the very next day and because I took a real liking to her I agreed and we went on a date, and the rest is history. But in the few weeks I’ve known her I’ve felt such a tumult of emotions it’s affected me in a big way. The first night we spent together was totally amazing as we all know and it completely blew me away. It wasn’t just about the sex, it was the chemistry, the emotional intensity I felt, basically she made me feel loved even though we weren’t in love and that was something very special that I don’t find with many people at all. So after that she was on my mind a hell of a lot, and we spent the next few days exchanging texts and emails and I got butterflies every time I heard from her. I was aware that there was stuff going on with her ex, they were trying to sort out either a friendship or getting back together, one or the other, and I was prepared for that. But during that week BB called me and said they’d had a huge fight and that they weren’t getting back together and that she felt relieved. I did warn her she’d probably feel totally different the next day because I’d been through the same situation with DL and know full well how hard it is to break up when you love some one so much. The next time I saw BB she came over for dinner, and again I was aware that she had counceling with her ex the day after. I honestly think we shouldn’t have met up that day because it did affect everything, plus I was extra emotional being on my period. Anyway it all kind of fell apart, BB got upset and so did I, mainly because I knew her mind was somewhere else while she was with me. Anyway she ended up leaving and I felt totally shitty and sat and cried for ages after she went home and that feeling lasted all the next day. I got a text from her in the morning asking me to give her another chance, saying that she was sorry she upset me and to please let her see me again. At that point I really wasn’t sure I wanted to see her again, because I knew that what she was feeling about her ex was effecting everything she was doing. But there was something about her that got under my skin and in spite of myself I found myself texting her saying let’s just put it behind us and start again. That weekend we were texting and I didn’t stop thinking about her throughout, and I suggested having coffee on Sunday afternoon. She said that was fine, that she really wanted to see me and to give her a couple of hours to get stuff done. So I didn’t plan anything for that day and pottered around the house waiting for her to text. The afternoon drew on and I began to get the feeling she wasn’t going to, and I started getting more and more pissed off. It wasn’t so much the fact that we weren’t meeting, just that she kept me hanging all day only to tell me at around four pm that she didn’t want to meet afterall. We were supposed to be meeting the following Monday evening to go to a concert together, and while I was at work I again got a message from her saying she wasn’t in the mood to go. So I asked if she wanted to do something else, i.e. are we still meeting up, and she didn’t really sound bothered which again offended me, but again I knew she wasn’t feeling great because of the whole ex issue. I should also mention she is trying to get pregnant and is having fertility treatment which isn’t going to plan, so all this was playing on her mind and so I was trying to make allowances. Baring in mind I’m not the kind of person who lets herself get fucked around by anyone, and if it had been anyone else I’d have broken contact after she made me feel shitty that second night. But there was something about her that I couldn’t leave alone. So that Monday night I went over and we talked, and decided to keep it at friends and to have casual fun when we felt like it, which I was fine with. The next couple of days I got really nice texts from her, like I mentioned in my last post she said I was amazing etc, plus she was taking the time to look for property for me which to me showed that she was thinking of me and that she cared what happened to me. Then on the Thursday I suggested we have some fun and didn’t get a response. I know now that the whole thing was bad timing, her head is fucked in terms of her previous relationship and she needs time to work out what she wants. I just let my feelings for her get in the way and yes I did feel disappointed when she cancelled, or didn’t respond when I suggested meeting up, even if only to say no.

So now she’s not talking to me, and she hasn’t even given me a proper chance to explain how I feel. I know she’s not really in the mood to hear anything I’ve got to say because of her own situation, but I know she thinks I was just paying lip service to the problems she’s having in order to get what I wanted, and that really wasn’t the case. The truth of the matter is that this woman has gotten under my skin no matter how much I didn’t want it to happen. I don’t know what it is about her that bugs me, but there’s something, and I basically tried to explain this when we were emailing the other day and she just waved it away because she’s so angry. When I write it all down here the whole thing just seems ridiculous. I’ve only known her a couple of weeks and it’s been a complete rollercoaster with more drops than highs, but I can’t stop her appearing in my thoughts, and I can’t stop wishing she’d text or call so we could sort this whole stupid mess out. I just want that connection back, I want her to be how she was when we first met, I want to feel that thing that was between us, that firey passion that made me give everything up to her that night, the tenderness she showed towards me and the care in the way she handled me. I know that’s not going to happen because of her relationship situation, but I at least wish she’d talk to me so that I could explain that I’m not a horrible selfish person who only thinks about getting what she wants, and I wasn’t being intentionally horrible and that all I want is for us to get on and spend some time together even if just as friends. I sound so silly, I know I do, she’s just really got to me and I feel like I can’t lay it to rest while she’s reading me in totally the wrong way. Maybe she needs to go away and heel herself before she’s ready to hear what I have to say, or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be at all, who knows. I just wish I could put it out of my mind, it just frustrates me that we’ve gotten off on such a bad footing when I personally think we could be good together, even if it just ends up being friendship. It makes me sad that I could give some one such a bad impression when most of how she perceives me isn’t at all the person I am, and it’s also ironic that something that was meant to be casual has got me feeling this way, and some one who I’ve only recently met and don’t even know properly has the ability to make me feel incredible or totally awful. I very strongly believe that every person we meet comes in to our lives for a reason, I wish I could work out why she’s come in to mine, and why I can’t put her out of my head.

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