Wednesday, April 11, 2007

DIY and Dykes who screw

This week, what have I done this week, it’s flown!
The weekend I spent mostly in the house attempting and mostly failing to work. To be fair I did write most of one essay but the quality is shit so it’ll need a lot of reworking. I was getting totally pissed off with being stuck in the house trying to work while everyone else was out celebrating easter and the bank holiday, so I took off to my mum’s house on Monday because it was one of my school friend’s 21st birthday and there was a big night out planned. So that night we went to the gay club back home and had a reasonably good night out, although I always tend to find that the nights that are planned to every last detail don’t usually go as well as those that are done on a whim, but it was nice to see her for her birthday.

KT is one friend I’ve never really spoken about much partly because our communication is sporadic and sometimes I can go months without talking to her. I’ve known her since I was in preschool and we used to play together a lot. Then when I was eleven a group of friends formed that consisted of myself, HM who I mention quite a lot, MED, Roxanne and Kirsty. We always hung out together at school and spent a lot of time together at weekends going to the park or shopping or getting drunk which we tended to do quite a lot. Med was the leader of the group, HM was the quiet and reserved one because her parents never allowed her to go out much or have much of a social life so she spent a lot of time on the internet, Roxanne was the mouthy one from an abusive home and Kirsty I never liked much for no reason in particular other than that she used to annoy the hel out of me. KT was probably the most complex of the bunch, although we all had our issues as teenagers usually do. She’s never really spoken about her childhood much to any of us, but we all believe that she was sexually abused as a child. She was and still is an extraordinarily intelligent woman, not having to ever study for classes and always coming out top of the year, let alone the class. But a lot of the time at school she would be broody and quiet, observing rather than participating in our group conversations. We knew she had issues around eating and ate very little, something which we all tried to help out with at one time or another by trying to coax her in to talking about, and one day we discovered, I can’t remember how, that she self harmed regularly. Most of the time she kept her arms covered, but on the rare occasions we did see them they were covered in deep scratches and healing cuts, and I think that the teachers were even aware of it at one point. We did know that she lived with her mother and two sisters in a small flat, and that her mother had some kind of mental illness and always singled KT out to be treated badly. She used to come to school and when she felt like opening up she would tell us some of the horrible things her mother had said or done. When she was sixteen she left her mother’s flat to go and live with her father, who from all accounts hardly took an interest in the kids either, just worked and went out drinking in the evenings. When we were at school I had a mild crush on KT, and on my fifteenth birthday we ended up drunkenly in bed together, nothing very much happening apart from kissing and a little touching. In the morning she refused to talk about it and it’s been like that ever since.

I left home and moved away from the area when I left school at sixteen, still keeping in touch with KT, HM and Med. Roxanne had distanced herself ffrom our group by then, getting in with a bad crowd that we didn’t mix with, and hating me because she found out I was gay. Kirsty also drifted away when we left school, so it was just the four of us left, and we’re all still very close and in touch. During the two years of our a-levels between sixteen and eighteen, that was when KT moved in with her dad and stopped having contact with her mother. HM was still very restricted because she still lived at home and so not a lot changed for her, but Med fell pregnant when she was seventeen, moved in with her now ex partner and had a baby boy. When it was time to go to university, Hm and I went willingly, Med had dropped out of education to raise her son and KT, who we all thought would excel in whatever career she wanted to, found that she couldn’t cope with the mental strain and left university after about three weeks. She now works in a convenience store and is back at home living with her dad. She still cuts herself, and is unable for whatever reason to form romantic attachments with either men, or women. Every time I see her I want to hug her and tell her that she’s loved, and that whatever happened to her can be dealt with, and that she doesn’t have to keep it all locked inside and distance herself from everyone so much. But I know, or at least I feel that this wouldn’t have any affect. Her mental state is very fragile, and I think the damage has already been done. It’s so desperately sad because a beautiful, bright, exceptionally intelligent woman with so much potential in every aspect of her life is working a low paid job, living within the confines of her father’s home because she isn’t strong enough to go out on her own, and mutilates her own body because she cannot cope with whatever has been done to her and feels it is the only way she can express her pain. HM broke away from her parents and is now at university having a great time, at the moment she’s in China studying, and I have no doubt she’ll be very successful. Med has just started a degree in midwiffery and now has her own house and a new partner. I’m just about to graduate and move to London, and the person we thought would be most successful out of our whole group is right back where we started, unhappy with her life but seemingly unable to do anything about it. I hope she knows we’re all hear for her, despite what she’s been through and what she may have to face if she ever decides to confront her demons.

On to a lighter note after that unintentionally heavy post, I returned to Sheffield on Tuesday and have just been faffing around for the past couple of days. I ordered a new tv with a stand to put it on and it arrived today, and the title of the post eludes to the DIY I did today. My friend Sean came around this afternoon and I roped him in to programming my tv and helping me screw together the stand to put it on. We both found it quite ironic that a femme lesbian and an F to M transsexual were attempting DIY, and there were lots of innuendoes about screwing. I may be femme but I am handy with a screw driver, I’ve put together the shoe rack, dish rack, bookcase and tv stands in my house. After Sean left Kim came over for about three hours and we had a good gossip and ate cake that she kindly bought over, and then I cooked and am just about to go to bed because I have to be up at the obscene hour of five in the morning to catch the train to London for another job assessment which I’m hoping to get. DL has been making noises about coming to see me this weekend, so I might very well be bringing her back with me tomorrow, or she’ll drive up on Friday.

Have a good weekend all, and Cristcg I take it that the comment on my last post saying “lol” was referring to my reading anal sex erotica? I’ve not finished it yet, think I’ll do so on the train tomorrow, give the commuters something to goggle at over my shoulder.

3 comments:

kristcg said...

Yes, and the fact that you'll be doing the kitkat shuffle!! Definitely, if you're reading that kinda stuff when you're TRYing to be celibate!!

And now I'm laughing even more. Smiling first..because you and DL may be spending some time together this weekend.
Laughing second..because if she stays the weekend, you'll be doing that shuffle already!!

How'd the job assessment go? Great, I hope! Was it like an "interview" to see if they want to hire you, or was it like an exam/test to see if you're qualified? Did you get the job?!

I can't even imagine riding a train, let alone on a daily basis! Seems like a whole other planet to me! About one hour's car drive from where I live, a person can ride a passenger train to another town or state. However, I never ever even SEE passenger trains! I live on the prairie! LOL!

And gosh, a couple of times there, I thought you'd somehow found out stuff about me and was describing ME under the guise of one of your personal friends!! ROFLMAO!! What a thought. It just seemed too coincidental.

I know, all the stuff I do finally open up and say in comments probably makes me sound like an odd duck. I probably am, but on the other hand, I'm also not. But if I am, it just makes me interesting cause you never know what I may come up with next!!

That's why I normally don't comment too much--because I feel like I sorta KNOW you, and feel that you should automatically know me too then, but that's not the case and I tend to forget that when I start babbling. I later feel that I was too friendly or maybe what I wrote wasn't perceived the way it was meant--especially if I'm trying to be funny. Or that I was too personal. Can you understand what I'm TRYING to say?

< babble over >
< apologies >

Have a great weekend. And please do try to spend some time with DL and see how it goes.

And could you please take more time away from your busy schedule for US here inside your computer??!! HAha!

High Maintenance Femme said...

urm, I think I understood that comment, just about lol. And do you have a blog?

kristcg said...

I don't.