Fun times

Christ, I haven’t stopped this week. On Monday I was overjoyed to see my friend Kim waiting for me at reception in the building where I work. I came through the door and there she was, and we had the longest hug ever and it was lovely to see her. We spent the whole afternoon together, chatting, eating great food and shopping. We went to a fab Italian restaurant in Soho, wondered around and bought make up, and then I insisted upon taking her to First Out for coffee and cake only to find it was closed. So we ended up at the coffee shop in Silver Moon bookshop, where hilariously while I was in the loo, a woman recognised Una and said to Kim, “Haven’t I seen her in First Out?” Kim replied, “Yes you probably have, her owner goes there a lot.” I love how the dog gets noticed but I don’t, haha. It’s because she’s so bloody gorgeous that’s why! Anyway we didn’t stop talking all afternoon, catching up on everything that’s been happening, baring in mind we hadn’t seen each other for three months which is the longest we’ve ever gone without meeting up. Anyway it was fab fab fab to see her and I was sad to leave her and miss her lots! That evening I made my way home and didn’t do a lot, just read a little and went to bed.

Tuesday I took Una to the vets after work and then went out in the evening to the usual Tuesday group meeting. We were small in numbers this week and so decided to go to a bar rather than stay in First Out, and I think everyone had a bit to drink. I also invited the girls to my house warming on Friday, one in particular I was hoping would come because I have a rather large crush on her and she’s very, very attractive and I would quite like to kiss her for hours, hold her hand while walking down the street, cook her some good food, take her to bed and stay awake all night touching and tasting every inch of her body and then hold her while she sleeps in my arms. Anyway that’s besides the point… I left the bar feeling exhausted and crawled in to bed at around midnight.

Wednesday I tried to stay awake at work and then went out again with the same group of girls, lucky me, to a different bar this time. This one was quieter and more chilled and after a couple of diet cokes I gave in and spent the rest of the evening drinking Bailies and trying not to make eyes at the hot hot one. Did I mention that I wanted to kiss her for hours, hold her hand………

Thursday didn’t go especially well. DL called me in the morning on her way to work and we had a huge fight. Basically her birthday is on Monday and she’d said she didn’t want to do anything at the weekend and that she was intending to work instead. She’d been insisting about this for weeks and weeks and I’d asked her if she was sure countless times. So I went ahead and made plans for this weekend, and on Wednesday she dropped into the conversation that we were apparently going for dinner on Saturday night. “No we’re not,” I said, “I’ve made plans because you said you didn’t want to do anything.” So then she flipped out and said that she obviously wasn’t important, blah blah blah, and gave me a huge guilt trip, and to be honest I was so angry because she can be so damn manipulative. Not wanting to do anything turned in to, “I wanted to spend the whole weekend with you,” and I ended up hanging up feeling pissed off and upset and running late for work. We’d planned to see each other that evening to go to the cinema to see Atonement, so we stuck to that and she resigned herself to the fact that because she hadn’t communicated her feelings properly she wasn’t going to get her way this time, it still didn’t stop her feeling sorry for herself though. Jesus Christ, sometimes she can be intolerable. Anyway we had a nice evening even though I was feeling emotional, the film was great, but it didn’t end too well. We were in the car on the way back to my place when I got a text from BB. I’ve basically decided to leave that situation alone because she couldn’t give me what I wanted and I didn’t think I could really be friends with her, and when she texted me all the emotions of the day I’d been holding in just came to the surface and I sat there with tears streaming down my face and staring out the window so that DL wouldn’t see me crying. Of course she picked up that there was something wrong and I said it was nothing, just that it was about some one I’d been sort of seeing. When we got back to my place she hugged me goodbye and that started me off again, and then she started crying and saying that she couldn’t handle me being with other women, that it cut her up and she didn’t know what to do. To be honest I think that we are going to have to have a break from the friendship for at least six months because although she tries to pretend she’s ok with everything, she’s really not, and it’s a year on and she’s still not even beginning to get over the relationship. I know it must sound cruel the fact that we still meet up and spend time together, but I really do think that the break has to be her idea. I’ve tried putting distance between us before with disastrous consequences, and I think the more I push her away the more she’ll keep coming back. So I want it to be her decision because then she’ll be in control of her feelings and maybe taking charge of things will help her get herself back on track. I hope so at least. Anyway after a long chat she left and I went to bed.

On Friday I woke up not feeling much better and went in to work feeling like shit. I sat there wanting to cry for most of the morning, god knows where all this is coming from, I must be due on my period because that’s the only reason I can account for feeling so fucking sensitive about everything. Anyway on Friday afternoon I had my flat to clean and prepare for the party, and the excitement of the night ahead cheered me up. It was a lovely evening, all my friends came and also some people from work, the girls from the gay group including the one I really, really fancy. I put on a bit of food and wore a skirt with a fairly low cut top and sandals, the chocolate fountain came out and the wine was flowing, so much so that towards the end of the night I ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor, woops. Thankfully the crush had left by then so she didn’t see the inebriated me.

So yesterday I woke up not being able to lift my head off the pillow. It felt like a thousand led balls were rolling around in my brain, and after a cup of tea and some tablets I felt only slightly better. I finally got up and cleared away all the empty bottles to be recycled, and did the washing up and hoovered and mopped the floors. That afternoon my blogger friend F was arriving for the weekend so I wanted the place to look nice. Let me give you a brief history of me and F so that you’re up to speed.

We met through blogging just over a year and a half ago, she was living in another country and I was with DL. So we were friends for ages, and then a little while after I finished with DL we started to cross the line of intimacy on the phone. By this time she’d moved to the UK to study and we went on in this fashion for a bit. We stopped talking for a while because I felt she was getting a little intense and I was still quite cut up about the break up, so we sort of fell out and didn’t speak for a few months. When I moved to London I sent her an email saying I hoped that she was ok and that I thought of her, and she got back in touch and we’ve gradually built the friendship back up. She’s somewhat older than myself and we’re from completely different backgrounds and cultures, so it makes for an interesting friendship. We spend hours on the phone debating about all kinds of things, and we have regular and great phone sex. So anyway we’d been talking about meeting for a while now so that we could put faces to voices etc, and this weekend was the date we’d arranged. I was pretty nervous having shared things on the phone but never having met her before, and for the first couple of hours I was a bit quiet and giggly and she kept laughing and saying how nervous I looked. Anyway we ordered take out and chatted for a while and we were both quite tired so went to bed fairly early. We stayed awake and chatted for a while, and I was surprised at how shy and awkward I felt. I’d not backward in coming forward as we all know, but when she’d make a comment eluding to something sexual we’d talked about I’d go red and laugh nervously, even though I just wanted to be as open and forward as she was being inside. After a while of talking I turned on my side and she spooned me, cuddling in close. I think we were both thinking the same thing because after a while of being restrained her hand crept around my waste and the rest as they say, is history. Two orgasms later I was shattered and starting to fall asleep as she was talking to me. I remember muttering my apologies and saying that she’d knocked me out and then I was away with the faeries. We woke quite early this morning and I made tea and we lay in bed chatting for hours. Until I said, “I really want to play with your nipples,” and then it started all over again, the poor neighbours. Feeling satiated we eventually got out of bed at about three, showered and had some food. She left around five and texted a little later to say she’d had a wonderful time. I have to agree. So now I’m catching up with emails and obviously blogging and getting ready for my last week at work. Boohoo! Tomorrow is DL’s birthday so we’re going out for dinner, I hope it goes without incident.

Hilarious and so true

A friend of mine emailed this to me, and I'm posting it here because, as a lesbian who has been hit on by bi curious women, I find it incredibly humourous!

* * *

Dear Bi-curious Drunk Girls,

I have something I need to get off my chest. While it's been fun, the
kissing and making out and such, something's got to give. You see, I know
the minute you start talking about how you "like girls, too", or "think about women a
lot" that you're eventually going to ask me to kiss you. I don't mind this
at all. In fact, I generally enjoy it. Where I start having a problem is when I
try to decide just how drunk you are.

I mean, I've been there, drunk that is. And I've been taken advantage of a
time or two in that inebriated state. And while I'll be the first to admit I
can be a real asshole at times, I try not to take advantage of other people.
I consider nailing a girl who's had a few too many "taking advantage". Even
if she acts like that's what she wants. Even if she drunk dials me an hour
later. You know you didn't leave anything in my car.

I'm just asking for a little help here. So today, while you're relatively
sober, this is what I want you to do:

Give me written permission.

That's right, put it on paper. Say "I (fill in the blank), being of sound
and sober mind, give permission to the next hot dyke I hit on to nail me
soundly.
Sincerely, (fill in the blank again)." Then make sure you take it with you
the next time you head out to get shit-faced.

It's that simple.

It will make me feel better about doing what I want to do anyway, which is
you.

Sincerely,

An ethical, but sexually frustrated queer

Disappointing news, other people’s dogs, and bonding

Ok, let’s get the horrible part over with first. I didn’t get the job. And yes, I am very disappointed and am trying to look at it in a positive way in that something better is obviously out there waiting for me to snap it up. It’s not even so much not getting that particular job that bothers me because it wasn’t a really challenging role even. It’s the prospect of actually being out of work for any length of time,. Because too much of my own company sends me crazy, as does idleness and not stretching myself and so I am not looking forward to finishing my job in two weeks time and spending all my time on the net applying for jobs and graduate schemes. As far as the company I’m working for at the moment goes, the team I’m working with are great, but there is a lot of hidden burocracy and under cover agendas within the business, as well as the fact that some one I have to work closely with and who is higher up than me likes to play dirty and doubtless had a hand in the decision making about the job.

Anyway, enough of that, positivity is the way forward. I will get a job, I will get a job, I will get a job!!!

Wednesday evening was eventful, only in that DT was coming round for dinner on the Thursday and I’d decided to make curry. I knew I wouldn’t get in until later than usual because of the interview so I decided to make the currey the night before and keep it in the fridge so that all I’d have to do was to make the rice and heat everything through. So on Wednesday I tidied the flat, put my suit in the wash and set about cooking the currey. Everything was going fine until I left the currey on the hob and went to get my suit out of the machine, only to discover that something in there had fucking ripped all the lining in the jacket. I stood there having a minor panic attack and examining the damage, as well as checking the outside to see whether it was wearable. That was when the currey started to burn. Thankfully the suit was wearable, I’m just going to have to have the lining restitched, and I saved the currey which turned out to be one of the best I’ve ever made.

So DT arrived for dinner with lots of wine, and spent time having a good look around the flat while I finished the cooking. We also had a giggle about the dirty weekend she’s going away on, even though she tried to pretend it wasn’t a dirty weekend, and I told her about the party I’m going to in a few weeks, which she got very excited about. After dinner we spent a while examining outfits I’m thinking of wearing and deciding which would look more sexy and sophisticated, and discussing the DL situation, which in a nutshell is that we’re trying to be friends which is proving to be difficult because she’s still very much not over the break up. By the time she left we’d had rather a lot of wine and I was past being tipsy.

Friday I took the day off work and my friend R came down from Sheffield for the weekend. I was really looking forward to her visit but a little nervous as we’ve not really spent much time together outside a group setting apart from going for the odd drink before, and I wanted to make sure she had a good time. Anyway as I’m sure she’ll agree it was great, we talked for England, went for food on the Friday night with Baby G and another friend and got slightly tipsy, and on the Saturday we went to Hammersmith to do some shopping and ended up sitting outside a pub for three hours chatting a drinking pins. That evening we were both shattered so I cooked chilli and we hired a movie and had some wine. On Sunday we made lunch and took it and the dog to the Heath with DL, and although it was colder than the day before the sun managed to poke its head out of the clouds long enough for us to eat and then lie on the grass for a while while Una roamed around and fraternised with her fellow canines. She was a little apprehensive at first though because when we’d taken her to the park the day before, a man’s husky had gone for her and although it didn’t manage to bite her properly I think it scared Una and she stuck pretty close to me for a while. We dropped R back at the train station in the afternoon and I have to say it was a lovely weekend and I feel like I’ve gotten to know her lots better than I did. We’re very similar in many respects and she’s very easy company and a good conversationalist, plus she makes me laugh.

This afternoon my friend Kim is in town and we're having lunch and spending the afternoon together, and the rest of the week looks busy too. I'll write again at the weekend.

Going for it!

So here's the thing... I've had a couple of reacurring fantasies for a long time now. One is me and another woman fucking while being watched, by women of course. Another is being fucked by several different women at the same time. I tried to have a threesome when I was in colege but the mood wasn't right and it didn't feel too good so I stopped it as we were about to get in to it. It was with a woman I was seeing casually at the time and a friend of hers, and I just didn't find the friend attractive and she really wanted to play a lot with me and so it just didn't work. Ever since then I've had these fantasies, and they've fueled many an orgasm in the past. When DL and I were together and we would talk dirty in bed, the main thing that used to get me off was to imagine that there was some one watching us fucking and to have her join in part way through. The thought of it used to drive me mad, and I even did some scouting around on the net for a while looking for places we could go to meet people who wanted to swap partners. But although she said she would do it I didn't feel that she was totally in to it and so we never did anything about it.

Now, however, I am free and single, and when I got to london I found out about something that could potentially blow my mind if it turns out to be good. I'm not going to give the finer details of the events, but basically I saw an advert online for an all female sex party. Apparently they happen every couple of months and the last time it was taking place I really wanted to go but bottled it, then regretted not going straight away. Some one I know went and I spoke to her afterwards about what it was like and she said it was totally amazing, very classy and friendly and in a lovely location with sexy, attractive and friendly women, some of whom watched and others played at anything from masturbation to group sex. I was really pissed off that I didn't get to go and was mad at myself and swore the next time it came around I would go. So... I was online late last week and up popped the advert yet again. I knew what it would say and still I read it three times, and then sent an email to the organiser stating my interest. I got a lovely response back, and today we spoke on the phone to arrange the finer points of the night. All I have to do now is make the payment that is required to cover costs towards the hire of the location and everything that will be provided at the party. So I'm sitting here with the details, and I will make the payment tomorrow. I am both terrified and excited. I'm not intimidated by the fact that I could potentially end up having lots of fun with several different women all in one place, I find that part incredibly arousing. it's the going and not knowing anyone that I'm nervous about. I spoke to a friend of mine earlier today and she said she may be interested in coming too, and I'm kind of hoping she does because I think I'd feel a lot less nervous if I know some one else there. I am totally excited about the possibilities that I will be faced with, even if I just got to watch and didn't get any action it would be something I've never done before and which I know would completely turn me on. I won't be able to discuss what happens too much on here as there's obviously confidentiality issues, as a lot of the women who attend are proffessionals high up in their field and their privacy needs to be honoured and respected, but I just had to tell some one that I was going and how excited I am, and it's not exactly something you call your family or most of your friends about now is it? The only other thing I'm conscious about is my body, so I'm going on a strict diet for the next few weeks and even if I lose a couple of pounds it'll be something, and I'll hopefully feel good enough about my body to walk around at least semi nude, and won't be shy about getting naked with person or persons involved. This is the most daring thing I've ever done sexually and I'm hardly a virgin by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm utterly thrilled by the prospect.

In other news, had a fantastic few days catching up with friends. Thursday night I went to the relaunch of the Glass bar which was lovely, it was a warm evening and there were scores of women outside on the pavement drinking and talking, and music and more people inside. Although it's a very small venue and could do with a lot more work to get it looking ship shape, it's a fantastic women only space, the only one of its kind in London except for the Candy Bar and it was great to see so much support from the community. Didn't have too much of a late one as I had to be up for work on friday, and on Friday night DL came over and we watched Notes on a Scandal and got take out. Saturday my friend Simon was in town on his way to go and live in Paris, so we spent the afternoon together and had lunch and drinks outside in the sunshine and caught up on each others lives. In the evening i went to the bbq of an ex house mate DT, where I and most of the people there got very very drunk. I knew it was time to go home when the chair I was sitting on started feeling like I was on a fair ground ride and the room started spinning out of control. Don't really remember getting home to bed but woke up with a hang over unsurprisingly in the morning and figured I'd drank two bottles of wine to myself, lol. So I spent the day tidying up the messs that was my kitchen and doing the weeks worth of washing up that was there, God I miss having a dish washer. In the evening Baby G and another friend of ours CC came over and we ended up having a really girly night, cooking and chatting and putting the world to rights.. They left just after ten and I went to bed still feeling rough, then it was back to work today. I have a busy week ahead too, have gay groups tomorrow and Wednesday evenings, Thursday I have the job interview and DT is coming round for dinner and then my friend Rosie is coming to stay for the weekend which will be lovely.

I also got told today that they won't be extending my contract at work past the end of September, so unless I land this permenant position by some miracle, I'll be out of a job in a few weeks until I find something else. So I'm going to devote any spare time I have to job hunting and keep my fingers crosssed for the position I'm going for on Thursday. Not working for a little while might not be so bad as I'm considering a trip to New York in October. Baby G has vaginismus and so is going out there to get treatment and CC is going with her. I mentioned before that Baby G's boyfriend is already there through work and they're staying at his apartment, and Baby G is going to ask him if he wouldn't mind letting me stay as well. It'll be great if it all works out, we can have a girlie shopping, site seeing and coctails holiday which I'm in desperate need of at the moment, plus I get to be there supporting my best friend through what will be a traumatic and difficult few weeks for her.
I'm off to cook dinner now as it's getting late and I'm getting hungry, and silent Witness is on TV at nine which I want to watch. No doubt just as I'm getting in to it the phone will ring and that'll be it for the night which is what usually tends to happen when I try to watch something on tv lol.

Connected

Finally finally, I’m up and running in my own place with a phone line, the internet and cable TV, what more technology could I ask for? And that’s not to mention the wonderful gadgets hidden under my bed haha. Actually on that note I had an embarrassing moment yesterday when the man from virgin media who came to install everything asked if he could pull my bed out from it’s place to get to a socket. The night before I’d had a session with Jessica rabbit and in post orgasm sleepy numbness I just slid the toy in to the bag and didn’t really bother about making sure it was closed properly. So when he asked to move my bed, I had an image of either him crunching my beloved toys under the bed legs, or knocking the bag over so that everything spilled out. Thankfully none of the above happened and my blushes were spared.

So anyway, about the new place. It’s lovely and especially amazing for the rent I’m paying. It’s a studio flat in a large building, I’m on the top floor, the pluses being I have two big sky lights that let in lots of naturally light and the beautiful sunshine, but I also get the heat that rises up from the other flats in the building and so I’m boiling and having the fan on and the windows wide open isn’t doing much to help disperse the heat. It’s reasonably large for a studio, with a separate spacious kitchen and bathroom, and oh the joy of being able to cook what I want when I want, or not having to wait for some one to get out of the shower, or going in to the loo and inhaling the smell of some one’s poo! Oh it’s heaven! I also have a lovely new bed which after sleeping on the blow up mattress at O’s house for weeks on end is heaven in itself and I haven’t been wanting to get up in the mornings, but that’s nothing unusual really. So anyway, I’m now in West London which is funnily enough where I wanted to end up, and the area is lovely and from what I can gather it’s safe and quiet and that’s something for London. As I sit writing I can hear the bustle of the traffic as usual, but also the chirp of a bird somewhere on the roof top, and it’s such a lovely sound. I’ve found myself craving clean air, open space and tranquillity more and more these days. That’s not to say that I don’t love London, quite the opposite, I love it, but it is nice to find little pockets of natural beauty among the hustle and bustle. I’ve been taking the dog to the Heath and spending hours just walking around and letting her swim about in the ponds and pools there while kids chase each other and couples stroll past. Plus it’s obviously very gay around there, and I’ve yet to go to the women’s pond which I’m dying to do but I usually have the dog in toe so haven’t been as yet.

Last weekend my dad visited which was lovely. I find it really amusing that he comments on so much of London life that has become the norm to me now, like how people blast there horns at other cars for apparently no reason at all, and the random and often bizarre things you see while driving through the city, plus he keeps trying to imitate what he calls a cockney accent which is hilarious given his northern ness.

Getting around has been a total nightmare this week, and so far I haven’t been anywhere other than to work and that was a struggle. The tubes are on strike due to something about pay or pensions and the like, which means that those of us that want to go anywhere have found it extremely fucking difficult. Yesterday I was three hours late for work along with everyone else in the capital I think, and today I arrived two hours late, and of course had to stay longer and make up the time. Plus I’ve missed out on going to two gay groups this week, and I didn’t go last week because I was moving house so I’m not a happy bunny about the whole thing. It’s supposed to be getting resolved though and they tell us it should be back to normal by tomorrow, which I hope is true. Tomorrow night it’s the reopening of the Glassbar, a women only venue near Euston which I’m going to try and go to as I think it’s important to support anyone who tries to create a women’s only space in the community, and at the weekend my friend Simon is in town so I’m going to meet up with him for a bit and spend some time together before he jets off to Paris to live.

So on the domestic front all is well. I should also mention that I’ve gotten through to the final stage of interviews for a job I’m applying for which takes place next week and which I’m extremely nervous about. Quite honestly I don’t think I’ll get the position because I know they’re looking for some one with more experience, but if I did get it it would mean A security, and B a lot more money which of course is important if I want to go about starting my own business eventually. The only thing that isn’t going very well at the moment is my love life, and I’m finding that I’m growing tired of being completely single. That’s not to say I want a full on relationship because I don’t, but it would certainly be nice to date some one fairly regularly, go out for dinner and to the theatre and the like, and of course the physical side of things too. I’m starting to miss having some one to share things with and cuddle up too, get excited about seeing and look forward to spending time with. And I know I should stop looking because that’s usually when people tend to come along, so I’m trying not to think about it too much. Una is also a bit pissed off with me because since I’ve moved and had a new bed, I’ve enforced a “dog’s not allowed on beds” rule, which she is trying her best to ignore. I have to keep waking up in the night to mutter “get down!” As she tries to creep up when I’m asleep. So she’s banished to the sofa which I’m going to start weaning her off, as soon as I get a new one, so I’m not her favourite person at the moment. She also totally embarrassed me on our first day living here. I could tell she was anxious and was wondering what the hell was going on, and the first thing that tends to show signs of any distress she’s in is her stomach. So yeah, you probably guessed it, when walking down the stairs to get to the ground floor she decided to stop and do a great big poo right there and then, and some one else was coming down the stairs behind us, and oh my God how I hate animals sometimes. Thankfully she’s not done it since, I think it was nerves because she’s of course extremely well house trained, little monkey. She’s also causing great amusement in the office because her latest favourite position is to lie in the middle of the floor on her back with her legs spread wide open and a rope toy between her paws which she chews. It looks very cute but very undignified, and everyone that walks past calls her a tart or a hussy or a slapper or something like that. Bless her.

I need to sort out some travel plans now that I’m settled in my new home, haha listen to me, how contradictory, but seriously I feel like I’ve not had a holiday for ages. And really I haven’t, I went to America in March and that was a very active trip, not so much a sun and sea holiday which is what I’m in need of right now. When I complained about it the other day DL made noises about also needing a break away, but I’m not sure that us going away together is a good idea, I don’t think we’re quite at that stage just yet, and I think that if we did go away we’d probably fall back in to the couple routine which is definitely not a good idea.

I’m going to finish with the lyrics to a song by the Amateur Transplants, if you’ve not heard of them you should look them up because a lot of their stuff is very good. Anyway this one is entitled London Underground, and it just about sums it up this week…

Some people might like to get a train to work
Or drive in in a Beamer or a merc,
Some guys like to travel in by bus,
But I can't be bothered with the fuss
Today I'm going to take my bike,
Coz once again the Tube's on strike.
The greedy bastards want extra pay
for sitting on their arse all day
even though they earn 30K .
So I'm standing here in the pouring rain,
Where the fuck's my fucking train?

London Underground
London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I want to shoot them all with a rifle.

All they say is "Please mind the doors",
and they learned that on the two day course,
This job could be done by a four year old.
They just leave us freezing in the cold.
What you smell is what you get
Burger King and piss and sweat
You roast to death in the boiling heat,
With tourists treading on your feet
and chewing gum on every seat,
so don't tell me to "Mind the gap"
I want my fucking money back.

London Underground
London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I want to shoot them all with a rifle

The floors are sticky and the seats are damp,
Every platform has a fucking tramp,
But the drivers get the day off when
we're all late for work again,

London Underground
London Underground
WaWa Wankers , They're all Wankers ,
London Underground
London Underground
Take your Oystercard, and shove it up your arsehole.

Home is where I lay my hat

I’m not going to go in to the details of the stressfulness of what it’s like looking for somewhere to live in the capital, but it is surficed to say that this last couple of weeks have been one of the most stressful times of my life. I’ve been to view properties where people outrightly false advertise, I’ve been turned down countless times because I have the dog, I’ve searched and searched until last weekend I was contemplating having to move back up north because I was going to become homeless if I stayed here. Thankfully due to the wonderful strength of my friends and the support they gave me I managed to stick with it, and on the last day I had to look for places I got a studio flat in west London which I’m moving in to to tomorrow. I can’t tell you how relieved I am, plus utterly exhausted, as I’ve been working, on a training course for a few days, plus had an interview for another job in the meantime. So I’m off to bed and will write more as soon as I have the net up and running at the new place, just wanted to stick my head around the door to let you know I’m still here and doing ok. And hugs to everyone up north, I miss you and love you all very much, and I’ll be popping up very soon for a night out and hugs!

Sounding off

Forgive this post, it’s more for my own peace of mind than anything else, and I’m hoping that writing it will help me lay the situation to rest a little.

Apparently some of the things I’ve said in my blog have offended BB. Some of these things I totally didn’t mean to come across as offensive, like calling the stuff with her ex, “her shit”, and others were written because they were how I felt at the time. Anyway, my writing and her reading has resulted in her being very angry and upset and now she isn’t talking to me. I think one thing I’m beginning to realise since starting a blog is that sometimes things come across in a way I don’t want them too when I write them down, and I forget that those who read don’t actually see the whole picture, only what I choose to share on here. I think that sometimes I come across as a bit of a bitch when totally not meaning too, and I’m not bitchy in the slightest, hopefully those who see me in my everyday life can testify to that. But this situation with BB has really bothered me and still is because it isn’t resolved, so here’s what I think of it.

I met BB within a few days of us exchanging messages. When we spoke on the phone I immediately knew there was a connection there because like I said before I could have spoken to her all night. She wanted to meet the very next day and because I took a real liking to her I agreed and we went on a date, and the rest is history. But in the few weeks I’ve known her I’ve felt such a tumult of emotions it’s affected me in a big way. The first night we spent together was totally amazing as we all know and it completely blew me away. It wasn’t just about the sex, it was the chemistry, the emotional intensity I felt, basically she made me feel loved even though we weren’t in love and that was something very special that I don’t find with many people at all. So after that she was on my mind a hell of a lot, and we spent the next few days exchanging texts and emails and I got butterflies every time I heard from her. I was aware that there was stuff going on with her ex, they were trying to sort out either a friendship or getting back together, one or the other, and I was prepared for that. But during that week BB called me and said they’d had a huge fight and that they weren’t getting back together and that she felt relieved. I did warn her she’d probably feel totally different the next day because I’d been through the same situation with DL and know full well how hard it is to break up when you love some one so much. The next time I saw BB she came over for dinner, and again I was aware that she had counceling with her ex the day after. I honestly think we shouldn’t have met up that day because it did affect everything, plus I was extra emotional being on my period. Anyway it all kind of fell apart, BB got upset and so did I, mainly because I knew her mind was somewhere else while she was with me. Anyway she ended up leaving and I felt totally shitty and sat and cried for ages after she went home and that feeling lasted all the next day. I got a text from her in the morning asking me to give her another chance, saying that she was sorry she upset me and to please let her see me again. At that point I really wasn’t sure I wanted to see her again, because I knew that what she was feeling about her ex was effecting everything she was doing. But there was something about her that got under my skin and in spite of myself I found myself texting her saying let’s just put it behind us and start again. That weekend we were texting and I didn’t stop thinking about her throughout, and I suggested having coffee on Sunday afternoon. She said that was fine, that she really wanted to see me and to give her a couple of hours to get stuff done. So I didn’t plan anything for that day and pottered around the house waiting for her to text. The afternoon drew on and I began to get the feeling she wasn’t going to, and I started getting more and more pissed off. It wasn’t so much the fact that we weren’t meeting, just that she kept me hanging all day only to tell me at around four pm that she didn’t want to meet afterall. We were supposed to be meeting the following Monday evening to go to a concert together, and while I was at work I again got a message from her saying she wasn’t in the mood to go. So I asked if she wanted to do something else, i.e. are we still meeting up, and she didn’t really sound bothered which again offended me, but again I knew she wasn’t feeling great because of the whole ex issue. I should also mention she is trying to get pregnant and is having fertility treatment which isn’t going to plan, so all this was playing on her mind and so I was trying to make allowances. Baring in mind I’m not the kind of person who lets herself get fucked around by anyone, and if it had been anyone else I’d have broken contact after she made me feel shitty that second night. But there was something about her that I couldn’t leave alone. So that Monday night I went over and we talked, and decided to keep it at friends and to have casual fun when we felt like it, which I was fine with. The next couple of days I got really nice texts from her, like I mentioned in my last post she said I was amazing etc, plus she was taking the time to look for property for me which to me showed that she was thinking of me and that she cared what happened to me. Then on the Thursday I suggested we have some fun and didn’t get a response. I know now that the whole thing was bad timing, her head is fucked in terms of her previous relationship and she needs time to work out what she wants. I just let my feelings for her get in the way and yes I did feel disappointed when she cancelled, or didn’t respond when I suggested meeting up, even if only to say no.

So now she’s not talking to me, and she hasn’t even given me a proper chance to explain how I feel. I know she’s not really in the mood to hear anything I’ve got to say because of her own situation, but I know she thinks I was just paying lip service to the problems she’s having in order to get what I wanted, and that really wasn’t the case. The truth of the matter is that this woman has gotten under my skin no matter how much I didn’t want it to happen. I don’t know what it is about her that bugs me, but there’s something, and I basically tried to explain this when we were emailing the other day and she just waved it away because she’s so angry. When I write it all down here the whole thing just seems ridiculous. I’ve only known her a couple of weeks and it’s been a complete rollercoaster with more drops than highs, but I can’t stop her appearing in my thoughts, and I can’t stop wishing she’d text or call so we could sort this whole stupid mess out. I just want that connection back, I want her to be how she was when we first met, I want to feel that thing that was between us, that firey passion that made me give everything up to her that night, the tenderness she showed towards me and the care in the way she handled me. I know that’s not going to happen because of her relationship situation, but I at least wish she’d talk to me so that I could explain that I’m not a horrible selfish person who only thinks about getting what she wants, and I wasn’t being intentionally horrible and that all I want is for us to get on and spend some time together even if just as friends. I sound so silly, I know I do, she’s just really got to me and I feel like I can’t lay it to rest while she’s reading me in totally the wrong way. Maybe she needs to go away and heel herself before she’s ready to hear what I have to say, or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be at all, who knows. I just wish I could put it out of my mind, it just frustrates me that we’ve gotten off on such a bad footing when I personally think we could be good together, even if it just ends up being friendship. It makes me sad that I could give some one such a bad impression when most of how she perceives me isn’t at all the person I am, and it’s also ironic that something that was meant to be casual has got me feeling this way, and some one who I’ve only recently met and don’t even know properly has the ability to make me feel incredible or totally awful. I very strongly believe that every person we meet comes in to our lives for a reason, I wish I could work out why she’s come in to mine, and why I can’t put her out of my head.

Some Good News

While at work today I received some fairly good news. The place I’m working for want to extend my contract for another month. It’s doing something different to what I was originally there for, and it’s only part time, being half days, which is also reflected in the salary, but the good thing is it’ll at least pay rent on a new place to live and having the afternoons off will mean I can job hunt properly, or look for houses if I’m in temporary accommodation. So that cheered me up somewhat, I’m in work until the end of September at least. Feel slightly pissed at myself because last night BB and I were texting quite a bit and it was good to hear from her and just talk about ordinary stuff. At one point she said she’d been telling her best friend how amazing I was, which made me smile, but then I sent her a text today being cheeky and saying I was in the mood for some fun, any chance of getting any, anytime soon. The response I got back was very non committal, and teasingly I replied back that I could always get some one else to fill her spot. She didn’t respond to this at all and I sort of feel mad for putting myself out there again only to be waved away like some annoying child. God I don’t even know why I’m talking about it… On the up side though I’ve been chatting a lot lately with some one I’ve known for about a year now. We’ve never actually met in person, firstly started talking through blogging, then progressed to the phone. Now she lives about an hour away and there’s definite talk of us meeting up soon. Over time we’ve become really good friends, and on top of that we have amazing phone fun, but we stopped talking for a while because I was going through loads of shit with DL and it was effecting how I felt towards her. But we’ve recently reconnected and are becoming close again which is lovely, and I’m curious to see how we’d get on in person. She’s very hesitant about meeting, probably because she’s older and wiser than myself and is therefore being over cautious. Sometimes I get frustrated by this and she knows that, I’ve never been the most patient of people, but when I get settled in my new place she says she’ll come and visit. At the moment I’m enjoying getting both affectionate and smutty texts from her, phone calls that last for hours when I intend them to be minutes, plus she always makes me giggle, and has a way of boosting my mood if I’m feeling crap. At the moment we’re good friends more than anything, but it’s certainly nice to get some attention and to know some one is thinking of me in kind of a romantic way. God what’s wrong with me at the moment? I think the ice may be starting to melt… Anyway I’m waffling, mainly because I don’t have much to do this evening, and I’m trying to distract myself from having yet another session with my new toy that I bought on Saturday, it’s fab! This weekend my mother is coming to visit, which will be… nice, lol. God knows what I’m going to do with her though. And my God I need to get laid, I have to find myself a regular playmate, this is ridiculous!
Sorry that post was mainly random thoughts, it just works out that way sometimes.

Better Days

The three main things that hold life together for me are all going topsy turvey right now. Firstly I still haven’t found a place to live. Was supposed to be going to view a house tonight and when I spoke to the woman living there she sounded lovely and was actually quite flirtatious on the phone. Then she called me today saying that some one had already been to view and had taken the room. If she’d told me others were already going to see it I would have gone last night, but she implied otherwise and declined to say that I had competition, silly me I should have known better, it is London after all. So that put a dampener on my day and I don’t have any other prospective properties to look at either. Two and a half weeks and counting down until I have to vacate my friend’s living room…

The second life change is my job of course, and I’ve been so busy looking for houses I’ve only applied for one job which I don’t think I’ll get. Anyway it’s a viscious circle because even if I do land a job I need somewhere to live, so the housing situation has to come first. I know I can support myself for a few months if I’m without work, but it’s still highly stressful as most land lord’s want working professionals to rent their rooms so they have some security that the rent will get paid. I would pay it of course even if I wasn’t working but how are they to know that I’m reliable when it comes to finances?

The third major balls up is my love life. Things have totally gone off the boil with BB, I don’t really want to talk much about it, but let’s just say her ex is still very much on her mind and it’s making things very complicated. We hooked up last week and she was supposed to stay over, but because she had other stuff on her mind we didn’t really connect and she ended up leaving and I went to bed feeling awful. We’ve spoken since and I’ve made the decision to basically back off and try not to contact her unless she says she wants to meet up. She needs to sort her shit out before she can even think about being with anyone else, casually or otherwise I think. So what I was hoping was going to be a hot as hell, can’t get enough of fucking and spending time with each other situation, based on what it was like the first time has gone ice cold. Shame because there could have been potential there, but I do know how she’s feeling because I was in no position really to think about anyone else when I’d just broken up with DL. Maybe given time she’ll realise what she’s missing, who knows.

So today I’m feeling fed up, stressed out, and to be honest, rather lonely. It’s times like this I do miss having some one to share things with, and I know I’d feel so much better with a little TLC. See, I might be all yeah women this and women that, casual no strings fucks and miss independent, but I do have a softer, more vulnerable side, it’s just afraid to show itself when I know I’ve only got me to rely on. It’s coming out today though. I just want some one to cook me some dinner, run me a hot bath, then take me to bed and release all the tension that’s built up in my body by making love to me tenderly, then hold me and tell me that it’s all going to be fine, and that I’ll find a house and a job and some security sometime soon. Instead I’m going to go and make a sandwich because I can’t be arsed to cook, have a shower and go to bed and cuddle the dog and mope and feel sorry for myself. Life could be better.

Less is more

Do you know, I’ve felt myself changing quite a lot over the past few months, I don’t quite know how to explain it, it’s just that something in me has shifted, and although I had a zest for life before, it’s so much stronger now. I literally never stop, from when I get out of bed at seven in the morning until I collapse in to it at midnight if I’m lucky. I used to love curling up to read for hours, now I find myself getting easily distracted because I want to be on the go all the time, and when I do sit down for a period of time I usually fall asleep because I’m tired. Not sure if it’s healthy though because I rarely feel relaxed these days. Saturday was a complete and utter blurr really, I spent most of the day falling asleep and felt really bad because DL had come over to see me. I think she was mystified as to why I was so tired bless her, but I did wake up enough to cook dinner and then turf her out to sleep some more. We have actually had a discussion lately and we’re not going to see each other quite so much anymore, because to put it plainly she’s still in love, and I no longer feel that way for her. Plus I think being around me is making her view her counceling in totally the wrong way, that is she’s doing it in the hope that she’ll change in to a person I’ll fall back in love with. I know I’m being quite matter of fact, but to be honest it’s been over nine months now since the split, and enough is enough. No more emotional blackmail and feeling like if I distance myself from her she’ll do something stupid, it’s time for her to take responsibility for her actions, and me for mine and we both have to accept the fact that maybe we can’t really have a proper friendship yet, or maybe even ever unless we both properly move on. The other day she sent me flowers at work in the hope to cheer me up as I was pissed off, but it made me so mad, I actually thought, “why the hell are you of all people sending me flowers?” Maybe that’s a bit extreme but I just feel like a lot of the things she does are bids to try and pull at my heart strings, and while she can be sweet and send flowers and do things for me, she couldn’t let my graduation go by without causing a scene and making me cry, and it’s those things that matter to me and all the flowers in the world won’t change my memory of that day now. Anyway enough of that, onwards and upwards…

I had a meeting with my manager on Monday about the job offers, and I’m going to apply for a couple and see what I get. Maybe nothing will come of it, but all I can do is try I guess. I am slightly panicking about my living situation because I really do have to be out by the end of August and still haven’t found anything, so I could potentially be jobless and homeless by the end of the month. I’m trying to stay positive though, something will come up I’m sure. Work has been quite fun this week, it’s going surprisingly quickly and I’ve been busy until today. I’m sort of finishing the project I’m doing now and starting something new tomorrow so at the moment I’m at a bit of a loose end, and I figured that typing away furiously makes it look like I’m busier than if I sit playing with two five pence coins and dancing in my seat to my ipod, even if I am blogging. Last night I went to a new lesbian group in town and it was rather fun if a little tame. Tonight I’m going to the usual Wednesday group and tomorrow night I really have to spend surfing the net for properties. BB and I have also been keeping in touch since the weekend and I think we’re going to meet up on Friday, we need to discuss boundaries if we’re going to do the whole sub/dom thing, what is and isn’t acceptable that kind of thing. I really like her actually, she’s very sweet and thoughtful and obviously totally does it for me sexually so hopefully we’ll get on well as friends and playmates. This weekend I’m going to Brighton pride, woo! Ladies ladies and more ladies, not that I’m obsessed or anything haha. God I do love being single though, so many opportunities!

Suppose I’d better go and find something constructive to do, will write again soon. And to my real life friends who read this, I will send you emails soon, I promise, I know I’ve been crap at keeping in touch lately, still love ya though!