Thursday, January 18, 2007

Up in the clouds and back down to earth

Yesterday. What can I say about yesterday…
My my, it was both nerve wracking and amazingly exciting all at the same time. By seven thirty in the morning I was on a train to London, sleepy eyed and with my purse weighing a lot lighter than I’d hoped, having been charged almost three times the price for a train ticket than usual because of the time I was travelling. I don’t know what I did to pass the time, in fact I didn’t do much of anything, just sat in anticipation for two hours thinking about the day ahead. It was pouring down with rain when I eventually emerged from St Pancras station to get a cab, and by the time I arrived at the place where the tests were taking place somewhere in Holborn I was a little rain sodden and my feet were starting to cause me agony in the boots I was wearing. None of this bothered me too much though, I was too nervous and excited to think about the rain or the pain, and I had another heart stopping moment when the woman at the desk of the very official looking building asked for my passport, which I didn’t have with me. It didn’t cause too many problems though and within minutes I was through and sitting in the warmest room ever, getting ready to start the tests.

All I can say about the tests is that you were expected to take in a hell of a lot of information and complete a hell of a lot of tasks in a very very short space of time. I think you had to be a master mind, whiz, genious person to get them done and get everything right, and by the time I’d finished I had the sinking feeling that I might have screwed them up.

Testing over I escaped to find lovely HBS waiting for me, and as it was just before three we decided to do lunch instead of dinner. Lunch was lovely, both the food and the company, we chatted and flirted, and she got much amusement out of sliding her leg up mine under the table and watching me falter mid sentence and be transfixed by the feeling of her. Sometimes I wish my face wasn’t like a book, because if I’m incredibly attracted to some one I just can’t hide it very well at all. I was greatly embarrassed at one point when, having told me something about what her pants had written on them she then laughed and said, “you’ve got that glint in your eye again”. Haha I was mortified, is it really that obvious? I guess so. I also found out that through our mutual friend she now knows the location of my blog, which I have mixed feelings about but I’m going to carry on regardless, it’s up to her if she wants to read.
Anyway, after lunch we had a mooch around for a while and then took the bus to Hyde park, on which I changed out of my boots in to a pair of her trainers which she very kindly offered because of my aching feet. I must have looked ridiculous in a smart skirt and shirt with trainers on too but by that point I was passed caring and it meant we could walk around without any hastle. As we entered the park it started to rain again lightly and I let Una go free and she thought that was great. We found a bench to sit on, and without being too descriptive the gentle rain mixed with the electricity between us made me forget about the cold entirely and I think all in all we spent too blissful hours just being. When the cold did eventually get the better of us and Una was standing looking at us as if to say, “ok, I’ve had a run around, I’ve sniffed every tree, I’m bored now,” we headed for the nearest starbucks to warm up. After that we went to the station and I got the next train home and promptly fell in to bed and in to an exhausted but happy sleep.

Yesterday, spending time with HBS was truly wonderful, and it was worth travelling to London just to see her and spend some time together. I loved sitting across from her having lunch, I loved the way she discretely touched my leg or my hand, and the way she leant on my shoulder and the way we kissed, and the way she reacted to my caresses. I loved the excited feeling I got when I was with her and I loved listening to her talk on and on about the places she loves best in London, about all her memories and about some of the amazing and selfless people she’s met on busses and in cafes. I also love the possibility of becoming a part of all that, I know Hyde park holds special meaning for me now especially, and the thought of all the possibilities of what we will do and the places we’ll go makes me smile. And yet, in the minutes when we just held each other yesterday and I relaxed in to her and breathed in her cent and felt her body close to mine, and even on the train back home last night when thinking about her I had mixed feelings. The truth is I want to fight the things I feel when I’m with her, because I can’t and don’t want to become too attached to her. Don’t get me wrong I’m really not looking for anything serious, and I know that neither is she, especially not with another woman, but I wish I could tell my heart not to jump when she calls or when I’m near her, and my body not to respond in such a way to her touch. I’m really being honest about things and that’s because I know I have to keep my distance to some extent and not become too emotionally involved. Afterall, whatever we do is just some casual fun and I know that, but I wish I didn’t feel so alive and happy during the times we’re just talking or having coffee. Also, she told me that her ex partner, a guy knew what was going on between us, and although I don’t think that I’m playing an unknowing part in some fantasy between the two of them I can’t help being slightly worried. I guess my past experience with straight women has taught me a lot, and one thing especially is to be on my guard and not become vulnerable to getting hurt because I’ve let my feelings run away with me. I guess I just have to keep a check on myself, and if I find that I’m getting too involved I’ll have to back away because she’s most certainly the kind of woman I could become addicted too.

I knew that butterfly feeling I had continually throughout yesterday couldn’t last long however, because I found out today that I failed the tests and so haven’t gotten through to the next stage of the job application. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t absolutely gutted, I’d set my sights on getting in and I also had something to work towards with my degree because I needed a certain mark to be considered for the job. Now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet, and where I thought I might have had a relatively certain future in terms of a job, I’m now back to where I started. That’s struggling to finish a degree I’ve come to dislike, having to move out of my flat by the end of June and not knowing where the hell I’m going to live or what I’m going to do to support myself. One thing’s for sure I am not going to live back with my parents. Realistically I know it’s not the end of the world not getting this job, I just really really wanted it. So now I’m going to look in to other stuff to apply for and all being well I’ll apply for the job again next year when hopefully I’ll be better prepared.
Now I’m off to write yet another fucking essay!


Anonymous said...

"I guess I just have to keep a check on myself, and if I find that I’m getting too involved I’ll have to back away because she’s most certainly the kind of woman I could become addicted too."

Tis about all you can do sweetie. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Enjoy the butterfly feelings as long as you can!
I hear you on the tests! Just keep at it! Don't give up! I had to take a test back in December which I still havent gotten the results on - here's a little post I wrote on it: