Monday, January 08, 2007

Honesty is the best policy?

I have come to a decision...
I set up this blog, almost exactly a year ago, and it was meant to be a space where I could share my deepest thoughts and feelings, worries, hopes, fantasies, dreams, basically everything about me that I can't necessarily put in to words in my everyday life. It was meant to be a space just for me, somewhere I could be honest, a private space where I shouldn't have to sensor anything I write. But I did what I'm sure many other bloggers do, that is get all enthusiastic about having a blog and tell those closest to you about it. Since DL and I hplit up, there have been certain things I wanted to write about here, but have been afraid to because I know she still reads. But I've done a lot of thinking, and I've decided that it's pointless changing the address of my blog, because she knows me well enough to find it. So, from here on in, I am going to be honest about what is happening in my life. Granted I will try and be as sensitive as possible because I do not want to hurt anyone at all, but at the end of the day it is up to certain parties involved to decide whether they want to continue reading about what is my single life, and consequently the relationships or liaisons I may form from now on. So here goes, I am breaking my silence. Writing about what is going on in my life is a major outlet for me, and if I can't do this openly and honestly, well then I might as well stop blogging altogether.

Since ending my relationship with DL I have done some sole searching.
Is there such a thing as a solemate?
If so, is DL mine, or does she lie in another woman altogether?
Are we meant to be with one person throughout our lives, or is it the case that there are certain people who are right for us at certain times?
All these questions I honestly cannot answer, and I know I'm starting to sound like Carrie from Sex in the bloody city writing this! But it is precisely because I can't find the answers to these questions, and because I don't want to get involved and hurt again that I have decided to avoid relationships like the plague for a while and stay single. This does not mean in a physical sense, but certainly from an emotional one as far as I can manage. I've never written as high maintenance femme the single woman, because I was with DL when I started the blog, but for me, being single means not getting emotionally attached to one particular woman, and having lots of no strings attached fun. Well, as much as comes my way anyway... There are a couple of women I am interested in persuing physical relationships with, and hopefully I'll get to share more of that with you as things progress. I do however want to talk about one womanin particular, who for privacy's sake I will call HBS.

HBS until recently was a friend of a friend. If i'm honest, I was attracted to her physically from the moment I met her, but we both had partners and so I never intended to do anything about it. But, at the same time that I split from DL, she split from her partner too. I knew she was attracted to me, she'd told our mutual friend so several times before. Until now she's only ever been with one person, who was a man, but she had expressed some interest in having an experience with a woman, having always been attracted to them. Anyway, we got talking online one evening, and we crossed a line we hadn't previously crossed. We both confessed our mutual attraction towards one another, and both stated that we weren't looking for anything at all serious. So we arranged to meet over xmas when I was in London to see how things went, and kept in contact via the internet until then.

Again at this point I feel inhibited about talking about when we met at christmas, but what I will say is that we spent some time together, mainly surrounded by other people, and the sexual tention between us was incredible. We were never alone long enough to get very far, but we did kiss, and both established that we definitely wanted more to happen. And so, with a bit of luck, she is coming to visit in a few weeks time, and we'll see what happens... I am conscious that she is fundamentally straight, and I keep reminding myself that it'll more than likely be a one off. I am however, rather looking forward to it, however brief it may be...

So that's my main confession, and I feel much better having written about it. I just hope certain party's either don't read about it, or find it in themselves to understand that I have needs, and having been separated for two months now, I think it is time I started rebuilding my life.


Anonymous said...

i think that blogging is a natural way to experiment with writing and learning about one's self. it just happens that others stumble on it, and then follow. some lurk, some comment, some genuinely care what happens, and some don't give a rat's a$$. i am one of those lurkers who have read back on the archives, and learned to comment when i feel it is appropriate. good on you for making a fresh new start. this IS your PAGE, after all, and if someone reads it and is offended, that is not your burden to bear. take care and loads of good luck for 2007. poet.

High Maintenance Femme said...

#thank you Poet, I hope this year brings you happiness too.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Poet. It is your blog and you are free to write whatever you choose and from your heart. If you write honestly about what is going on with you then how could anyone have a problem with that? And, if they do then they need to stop reading.
Good for you in taking that step!