Sunday, January 14, 2007

Heart stopping moments!

I certainly know I have a heart...
on account that it did a lot of fluttering when talking to HBS and arranging our weekend and her telling me how badly she wants me, and also meeting up for dinner next week when I'm in London, heeheeheeheehee, *squeaks excitedly*. God I want to wrip her clothes off! Ahem! Getting back to the subject which is my heart, it also nearly failed me twice yesterday too.

The first phone call I had was from DL informing me that she'd gone out the night before and done everything concerning alcohol, women and illegal substances that she'd always sworn she'd never do. We'd been talking on and off on the phone throughout the week, and I think that her night of craziness was due to the last conversation we had, a couple of hours before she went out. The truth is she's not been dealing with our separation very well, and is trying desperately to cling to anything that vaguely resembles some kind of relationship. I've spent countless hours this week trying to explain to her why, although we may still find one another attractive, it is definitely a bad idea to continue having sex as she would like, and how it's absolutely not going to happen because I would like to salvage some kind of a friendship and that would ruin it. This is speaking from past experience, I almost ruined what is now a very close friendship with an ex girlfriend because we continued having sex after the break up, and I'm damned sure that's not going to happen again! So in the conversation before she went out, I told her this flatly and after trying delicately for ages to explain that she needs to try and heel rather than clinging to the past, I told her very bluntly that it was over and that she needed to get a grip and stop inventing feelings for me that I simply do not have. Don't get me wrong, I love her very deeply, we shared an intense, very emotionally close relationship for the best part of two years, and so I will always have a strong attachment to her, but I have no regrets in ending things and I think we're better off as friends. Anyway hearing this put plainly she didn't really like, and so I think that's why she went off the rails a bit. I know that when I write it down here, it seems like I'm being a bitch, but I honestly don't know what else to do. We're not going to get back together, and I think I'd be doing her more harm if I lead her on to believe that, rather than being honest with her. I think she'll be ok, she just wants to feel better overnight and we all know that it doesn't happen like that, it'll take her a while, especially as I was her first love, so she needs to take it one step at a time.

Anyway, her night of madness wasn't the heart stopping moment although I was surprised, but that I can deal with. What did frighten the hell out of me was when she told me she'd found something on her body that could potentially be very serious. I don't want to go into too much detail as of yet, but I told her to stop being parallised with fear and to go and see the doctor and get it checked out to be on the safe side. I think three women in her family have previously had the illness so she's always had this innate fear she too will one day get it. So I'm calling her on Monday to see if she went to the doctor and i'm willing fate or whatever is up there in the sky to let her be ok.

The second shock of the day came in the form of an email from a very close friend of mine saying that she needed to talk. I called her back and although she wasn't very free to talk she explained that there's a chance she might be pregnant, having slipped up more than once in a short space of time. This friend A comes from a very strict background and I think her family would be less than impressed if she was pregnant, B she has the chance of a very good career ahead of her and C, she doesn't want children at this stage. So I again told her to go and see the doctor and get tested, which will hopefully come back negative and then to go on the contraceptive pill. If it is positive and she does turn out to be pregnant, well then I'll help her in whatever way I can.

So today I refuse to answer any calls or open my email inbox, as my heart needs a rest. Haha, only kidding, but seriously, no more big surprises this weekend, please?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sounds stressful! You're doing the right thing with ex. The sooner she knows the sooner she can start healing!