Officially Unemployed, for now!

Well this is the first day I haven't really had anything to take my mind off the fact that I am A not in work, and B have to start watching my money again. Damn! I got up this morning and applied for another job before I even had breakfast, and have been doing other stuff that needs sorting out, as well as finishing off my book. I'm bored. Yep, already, I'm bored. I'm going to apply for as many jobs as possible because if I'm not back doing some kind of work soon I'll start going crazy. My brain does not do well when it's idle.

What has been keeping me busy though...
Listening to three new albums I got yesterday. Jill Scott The Real Thing, Jennifer Lopez Brave and Lil Mo Pain and Paper. They're all good, but Jill Scott is the bomb as usual. I'm so excited about going to see her in December, even more so after listening to the new album. I particularly enjoyed the track called Celibacy Blues because it's totally my situation at the moment hahha.
Although saying that F called me last night and we ended up having extremely freaky totally amazing phone sex, although I didn't think it was going to happen at one point because every toy I tried to use kept dying on me which is not good. Finally got it sorted though and gave the neighbours something to listen too lol. She's so fucking nasty and I love it. She wants to come see me again soon and I'm definitely willing to accomodate. The only problem is is she's stone and last time she gave but wouldn't receive, and I really enjoy fucking as well as getting fucked, so I'll have to do some gentle persuading and see where it gets me. God I really have to think about something else other than sex! It's being at home all day that does it. Yeah right, who am I kidding, I think about it no matter where I am, especially if it's in a place where I really shouldn't be. I had a conversation with a friend over dinner one night last week and we were talking about our sex drives. She amazed me because she said that she can go months without even really thinking about sex let alone having it, and it's usually her girlfriend who instigates it and she herself isn't really that bothered. I was like, "damn I can't even go a week without masturbating, I start getting tense and irritable if I don't come." She laughed and said I should go and see a doctor, which is ironic as that's what she's training to become. We concluded that we are at opposite ends of the libidinal spectrum, but I do often wonder if other women think about it as much as I do. I have certainly met some who do, but still I wonder if my brain is more like a man's in that sense. I guess I'm just freaky and I make no appologies for that. Only six days to go until Saturday and the party.

In other news, today marks the anniversary of when DL and I got together three years ago, and in a couple of weeks it'll be the anniversary of our separation too. I wanted to email her today to acknowledge that I remembered and I was thinking about her and hoping she is doing ok, but I haven't because I think it would do more harm than good. It's difficult because by not hearing from me I know she'll be thinking I just don't give a fuck about her when that really isn't true, but I think the best course of action, for her more than anyone is to put some distance between us. We're supposed to be going to the York Lesbian Arts Festival in a few weeks, and I'm going to have to email her and gently tell her I'm not going. It would mean us spending the weekend together and staying overnight and that would be a recipe for disaster. I do hope she's ok though and I think today should be about remembering the good times rather than the bad. How happy I was when I met her, how quickly we fell in love, how I seduced her with my charms, heehee, how I told her my feelings and asked her out and how she accepted. Those blissful first few weeks, our first kiss, walking back from a bar one night holding hands feeling dizzy with love and happiness because we'd just told her friends that we were together. The first time she told me she loved me, lying on her single bed in our shared house. How we later made love for the first time on the same bed, one of the most perfect moments of my life. And everything that followed, the dates, the holidays, the restaurants, the fun we had, the plans we made, moving in to our own home together, the gifts, the sex. I remember it all, and even though towards the end it was shit and it was the most difficult break up of my life, I'll never forget her for the happiness she gave me.I loved her then, and I love her now, very much so, just in a different way, and whatever happens, whether we end up being friends, or if we go through life without each other, I'll never forget. I'm mentally sending her the tightest hugs in the world and all the love and strength I can muster, in the hope that she too will remember the happier times we shared, and find it within herself to pick herself up and move on, and find happiness elsewhere. She deserves it.