Time to say goodbye

This morning I sent two emails. One to DL, the other to her mother. I can't do it anymore, be friends with her that is. I've tried, God knows I've tried over this past year to make the friendship work, but I can't do it anymore. I've been continually threatened with DL taking her own life, she's had illnesses that I'm not sure are true or whether she just says things to get my atention, such as she having a lump in her breast in January that she wouldn't let me see and that mysteriously vanished, and a pain in her liver that she says is a result of taking a handfull of paracetamil a while back. This mornigng after a horrible argument we had last night she texted me saying that she couldn't feel her arms and legs propperly when she woke up and is going to the doctors and that she's scared, but to be honest I don't really believe her.

I don't want to go in to how she has been over the past few months, but unless I was doing everything she wished, spending lots of time with her, basically being emotionally controled because of her continuous threat of suicide, she's not been happy. The moment I distance myself, or appear to be getting on fine without her she turns in to this person, who to be quite honest I don't know anymore and don't really want to know. She's put up half naked photos of me on facebook that I have had to remove due to people pointing them out, she obsesses over who I'm seeing and talks about doing horrible things to the women in my life, she practically ruined my graduation day because she caused a scene in front of my whole family, and yesterday she tried to destroy the plant Spanish Girl gave me by covering it in bleach. Her behaviour is beyond acceptable and has been for some time, and I've tried to manage it as best I could. But I no longer believe that she is scared of losing my friendship as she claims to be, or that she cares for me, because her actions and words are not those of some one who wants me to be happy. I think I've become an obsession to her, she can't have me, she knows that, so she tries to control as much of my emotions as possible to give her something to hang on to. Yesterday, after the plant incident, I was so angry I can't tell you, and if Baby G hadn't been at my house and we hadn't been going to the Maroon 5 concert, I would have thrown her out and told her never to come back. I can honestly say now that I believe she has no regard for anyone else's feelings other than her own, and she needs help beyond anything I can give. So like I said I sent two emails this morning, one to her saying that I was breaking contact and that we wouldn't speak for a long long time, if we could ever be friends at all, and I also sent one to her mother explaining the situation, that she has talked about taking her own life and asking her to keep an eye on her. I know DL hasn't read the email yet as she'll still be at work, but when she does I expect a barrage of calls and texts and I know she'll go through all the stages of begging, crying, abusive talk and anger. I just hope she finds it within herself to move on with her life and leave me alone, instead of the more dangerous scenarios such as taking her own life, or hounding me and my friends and family which we've all agreed is a possibility considering her increasingly concerning behaviour. I know I sound cold writing this, but writing those emails this morning tears were streaming down my face and the truth is that I am terrified she'll do something stupid. I just can't see any other way of handling this, I've tried everything else. It's time to say goodbye to her and let her get on with her own life, because being around me is killing her anyway, that much is evident. I just hope she'll be ok and find happiness somewhere. We've cut contact before for a few weeks at a time, but this time is definite and I won't be contacting her for a long time, if at all. It's time to put this one to bed.

Bad Choices

I think that's what I've been making for a long time now. It has to stop. People only need the slightest reason to walk away, and they're gone. I put my faith in people, only to have it thrown back at me. Maybe I'm wrong to have faith, to trust people on their word, hope that everyone has good intentions. Because the simple fact is, they don't and most of the time people are just out for what they can get with no regard for anyone else. This isn't just the Cherry thing which has gone cold without any explanation. Maybe I am the explanation. I don't know. All I know is that lately I've spent more time feeling lonely, hurt or disappointed, angry or upset than I have happy. So I'm closing down the ranks, I'm not going to put myself out there again to get rejected or hurt. I'm going to stop being so open with other people and become guarded. No more casual sex, no more jumping in too fast. For now, it's just me on my own, and no one else. I've had enough. A year on from my break up with DL and I'm as lonely now as I was then. Maybe even more so having experienced more dishonest people, more selfishness. Bad choices are what it comes down to. Well no more, not if I can help it. The next woman who comes along who seriously wants to win me over is going to need a lot of strength and determination and a great deal of persevereance. I'm done with being an open book.

Officially Unemployed, for now!

Well this is the first day I haven't really had anything to take my mind off the fact that I am A not in work, and B have to start watching my money again. Damn! I got up this morning and applied for another job before I even had breakfast, and have been doing other stuff that needs sorting out, as well as finishing off my book. I'm bored. Yep, already, I'm bored. I'm going to apply for as many jobs as possible because if I'm not back doing some kind of work soon I'll start going crazy. My brain does not do well when it's idle.

What has been keeping me busy though...
Listening to three new albums I got yesterday. Jill Scott The Real Thing, Jennifer Lopez Brave and Lil Mo Pain and Paper. They're all good, but Jill Scott is the bomb as usual. I'm so excited about going to see her in December, even more so after listening to the new album. I particularly enjoyed the track called Celibacy Blues because it's totally my situation at the moment hahha.
Although saying that F called me last night and we ended up having extremely freaky totally amazing phone sex, although I didn't think it was going to happen at one point because every toy I tried to use kept dying on me which is not good. Finally got it sorted though and gave the neighbours something to listen too lol. She's so fucking nasty and I love it. She wants to come see me again soon and I'm definitely willing to accomodate. The only problem is is she's stone and last time she gave but wouldn't receive, and I really enjoy fucking as well as getting fucked, so I'll have to do some gentle persuading and see where it gets me. God I really have to think about something else other than sex! It's being at home all day that does it. Yeah right, who am I kidding, I think about it no matter where I am, especially if it's in a place where I really shouldn't be. I had a conversation with a friend over dinner one night last week and we were talking about our sex drives. She amazed me because she said that she can go months without even really thinking about sex let alone having it, and it's usually her girlfriend who instigates it and she herself isn't really that bothered. I was like, "damn I can't even go a week without masturbating, I start getting tense and irritable if I don't come." She laughed and said I should go and see a doctor, which is ironic as that's what she's training to become. We concluded that we are at opposite ends of the libidinal spectrum, but I do often wonder if other women think about it as much as I do. I have certainly met some who do, but still I wonder if my brain is more like a man's in that sense. I guess I'm just freaky and I make no appologies for that. Only six days to go until Saturday and the party.

In other news, today marks the anniversary of when DL and I got together three years ago, and in a couple of weeks it'll be the anniversary of our separation too. I wanted to email her today to acknowledge that I remembered and I was thinking about her and hoping she is doing ok, but I haven't because I think it would do more harm than good. It's difficult because by not hearing from me I know she'll be thinking I just don't give a fuck about her when that really isn't true, but I think the best course of action, for her more than anyone is to put some distance between us. We're supposed to be going to the York Lesbian Arts Festival in a few weeks, and I'm going to have to email her and gently tell her I'm not going. It would mean us spending the weekend together and staying overnight and that would be a recipe for disaster. I do hope she's ok though and I think today should be about remembering the good times rather than the bad. How happy I was when I met her, how quickly we fell in love, how I seduced her with my charms, heehee, how I told her my feelings and asked her out and how she accepted. Those blissful first few weeks, our first kiss, walking back from a bar one night holding hands feeling dizzy with love and happiness because we'd just told her friends that we were together. The first time she told me she loved me, lying on her single bed in our shared house. How we later made love for the first time on the same bed, one of the most perfect moments of my life. And everything that followed, the dates, the holidays, the restaurants, the fun we had, the plans we made, moving in to our own home together, the gifts, the sex. I remember it all, and even though towards the end it was shit and it was the most difficult break up of my life, I'll never forget her for the happiness she gave me.I loved her then, and I love her now, very much so, just in a different way, and whatever happens, whether we end up being friends, or if we go through life without each other, I'll never forget. I'm mentally sending her the tightest hugs in the world and all the love and strength I can muster, in the hope that she too will remember the happier times we shared, and find it within herself to pick herself up and move on, and find happiness elsewhere. She deserves it.

Guilt

A year on and she's still not over me. Not only is she not over me, but she's as distraught now as she was when we broke up. She demands my time and energy, she guilt trips me if we can't spend time together and wants me to account for every minute that I'm not with her, she throws herself at me and then cries when I tell her "no". She manipulates situations, she speaks to me in a way I wouldn't allow anyone else too. She's imploring, desperate, angry, pathetic, terrifyingly on the edge. She begs, pleads, craves to be loved in a way that I can no longer love her. She spends most of the time reminiscing over what we had, appologising futilely for things neither of us can change, wishing she was some one else so that I would fall in love with her again. If she knows I'm with other women which I try and keep separate from our friendship, she gets crazily jealous and angry, verbally degrades them and me sometimes, and then once again returns to begging, pleading, wishing. Today we had a conversation... "This has got to stop," I said. "I want to put some distance between us," I said. "Enough is enough, we're never going to get back together. I'll never fall back in love with you. It's over, done, finished. You need to move on, be happy, find other things, some one else," I said.
"There'll never be anyone else," she said. "I can't live a life without you in it," she said. "What's the point in anything if I can't share it with you," she said. "I love you, I'm sorry, I love you," she said.
"You're obsessed with me," I said,. "It's unnatural, unhealthy, it scares me," I said.
"I want to die," she said. "I want to die."

The last time I tried to back away from her she tried to kill herself. I am terrified that she'll do the same this time. I feel guilty, angry, responsible, frustrated. I want to shake her and tell her that everyone gets broken hearted at some point, that we all pick ourselves up and move on, rebuild our lives, get on with it. She won't listen, to me nor anyone else. She's trapped in this spiralling world of desperate attempts to get me back, trying to change herself for the benifit of wooing me again. It won't happen. I don't love her anymore, not as one loves a partner. I care for her deeply as a friend and always will. We shared a life together, made plans together, she gave me some of the best and worsed times of my life. But for how long can she put me through this. How long do I have to feel guilty for, to be made to feel responsible for the way she's feeling. Because I do, and I hate it, all of it. It's like she's telling me, either take me back, or I'll end it all. What a choice. How do I live with that? How?

Connected

Finally finally, I’m up and running in my own place with a phone line, the internet and cable TV, what more technology could I ask for? And that’s not to mention the wonderful gadgets hidden under my bed haha. Actually on that note I had an embarrassing moment yesterday when the man from virgin media who came to install everything asked if he could pull my bed out from it’s place to get to a socket. The night before I’d had a session with Jessica rabbit and in post orgasm sleepy numbness I just slid the toy in to the bag and didn’t really bother about making sure it was closed properly. So when he asked to move my bed, I had an image of either him crunching my beloved toys under the bed legs, or knocking the bag over so that everything spilled out. Thankfully none of the above happened and my blushes were spared.

So anyway, about the new place. It’s lovely and especially amazing for the rent I’m paying. It’s a studio flat in a large building, I’m on the top floor, the pluses being I have two big sky lights that let in lots of naturally light and the beautiful sunshine, but I also get the heat that rises up from the other flats in the building and so I’m boiling and having the fan on and the windows wide open isn’t doing much to help disperse the heat. It’s reasonably large for a studio, with a separate spacious kitchen and bathroom, and oh the joy of being able to cook what I want when I want, or not having to wait for some one to get out of the shower, or going in to the loo and inhaling the smell of some one’s poo! Oh it’s heaven! I also have a lovely new bed which after sleeping on the blow up mattress at O’s house for weeks on end is heaven in itself and I haven’t been wanting to get up in the mornings, but that’s nothing unusual really. So anyway, I’m now in West London which is funnily enough where I wanted to end up, and the area is lovely and from what I can gather it’s safe and quiet and that’s something for London. As I sit writing I can hear the bustle of the traffic as usual, but also the chirp of a bird somewhere on the roof top, and it’s such a lovely sound. I’ve found myself craving clean air, open space and tranquillity more and more these days. That’s not to say that I don’t love London, quite the opposite, I love it, but it is nice to find little pockets of natural beauty among the hustle and bustle. I’ve been taking the dog to the Heath and spending hours just walking around and letting her swim about in the ponds and pools there while kids chase each other and couples stroll past. Plus it’s obviously very gay around there, and I’ve yet to go to the women’s pond which I’m dying to do but I usually have the dog in toe so haven’t been as yet.

Last weekend my dad visited which was lovely. I find it really amusing that he comments on so much of London life that has become the norm to me now, like how people blast there horns at other cars for apparently no reason at all, and the random and often bizarre things you see while driving through the city, plus he keeps trying to imitate what he calls a cockney accent which is hilarious given his northern ness.

Getting around has been a total nightmare this week, and so far I haven’t been anywhere other than to work and that was a struggle. The tubes are on strike due to something about pay or pensions and the like, which means that those of us that want to go anywhere have found it extremely fucking difficult. Yesterday I was three hours late for work along with everyone else in the capital I think, and today I arrived two hours late, and of course had to stay longer and make up the time. Plus I’ve missed out on going to two gay groups this week, and I didn’t go last week because I was moving house so I’m not a happy bunny about the whole thing. It’s supposed to be getting resolved though and they tell us it should be back to normal by tomorrow, which I hope is true. Tomorrow night it’s the reopening of the Glassbar, a women only venue near Euston which I’m going to try and go to as I think it’s important to support anyone who tries to create a women’s only space in the community, and at the weekend my friend Simon is in town so I’m going to meet up with him for a bit and spend some time together before he jets off to Paris to live.

So on the domestic front all is well. I should also mention that I’ve gotten through to the final stage of interviews for a job I’m applying for which takes place next week and which I’m extremely nervous about. Quite honestly I don’t think I’ll get the position because I know they’re looking for some one with more experience, but if I did get it it would mean A security, and B a lot more money which of course is important if I want to go about starting my own business eventually. The only thing that isn’t going very well at the moment is my love life, and I’m finding that I’m growing tired of being completely single. That’s not to say I want a full on relationship because I don’t, but it would certainly be nice to date some one fairly regularly, go out for dinner and to the theatre and the like, and of course the physical side of things too. I’m starting to miss having some one to share things with and cuddle up too, get excited about seeing and look forward to spending time with. And I know I should stop looking because that’s usually when people tend to come along, so I’m trying not to think about it too much. Una is also a bit pissed off with me because since I’ve moved and had a new bed, I’ve enforced a “dog’s not allowed on beds” rule, which she is trying her best to ignore. I have to keep waking up in the night to mutter “get down!” As she tries to creep up when I’m asleep. So she’s banished to the sofa which I’m going to start weaning her off, as soon as I get a new one, so I’m not her favourite person at the moment. She also totally embarrassed me on our first day living here. I could tell she was anxious and was wondering what the hell was going on, and the first thing that tends to show signs of any distress she’s in is her stomach. So yeah, you probably guessed it, when walking down the stairs to get to the ground floor she decided to stop and do a great big poo right there and then, and some one else was coming down the stairs behind us, and oh my God how I hate animals sometimes. Thankfully she’s not done it since, I think it was nerves because she’s of course extremely well house trained, little monkey. She’s also causing great amusement in the office because her latest favourite position is to lie in the middle of the floor on her back with her legs spread wide open and a rope toy between her paws which she chews. It looks very cute but very undignified, and everyone that walks past calls her a tart or a hussy or a slapper or something like that. Bless her.

I need to sort out some travel plans now that I’m settled in my new home, haha listen to me, how contradictory, but seriously I feel like I’ve not had a holiday for ages. And really I haven’t, I went to America in March and that was a very active trip, not so much a sun and sea holiday which is what I’m in need of right now. When I complained about it the other day DL made noises about also needing a break away, but I’m not sure that us going away together is a good idea, I don’t think we’re quite at that stage just yet, and I think that if we did go away we’d probably fall back in to the couple routine which is definitely not a good idea.

I’m going to finish with the lyrics to a song by the Amateur Transplants, if you’ve not heard of them you should look them up because a lot of their stuff is very good. Anyway this one is entitled London Underground, and it just about sums it up this week…

Some people might like to get a train to work
Or drive in in a Beamer or a merc,
Some guys like to travel in by bus,
But I can't be bothered with the fuss
Today I'm going to take my bike,
Coz once again the Tube's on strike.
The greedy bastards want extra pay
for sitting on their arse all day
even though they earn 30K .
So I'm standing here in the pouring rain,
Where the fuck's my fucking train?

London Underground
London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I want to shoot them all with a rifle.

All they say is "Please mind the doors",
and they learned that on the two day course,
This job could be done by a four year old.
They just leave us freezing in the cold.
What you smell is what you get
Burger King and piss and sweat
You roast to death in the boiling heat,
With tourists treading on your feet
and chewing gum on every seat,
so don't tell me to "Mind the gap"
I want my fucking money back.

London Underground
London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I want to shoot them all with a rifle

The floors are sticky and the seats are damp,
Every platform has a fucking tramp,
But the drivers get the day off when
we're all late for work again,

London Underground
London Underground
WaWa Wankers , They're all Wankers ,
London Underground
London Underground
Take your Oystercard, and shove it up your arsehole.

Better Days

The three main things that hold life together for me are all going topsy turvey right now. Firstly I still haven’t found a place to live. Was supposed to be going to view a house tonight and when I spoke to the woman living there she sounded lovely and was actually quite flirtatious on the phone. Then she called me today saying that some one had already been to view and had taken the room. If she’d told me others were already going to see it I would have gone last night, but she implied otherwise and declined to say that I had competition, silly me I should have known better, it is London after all. So that put a dampener on my day and I don’t have any other prospective properties to look at either. Two and a half weeks and counting down until I have to vacate my friend’s living room…

The second life change is my job of course, and I’ve been so busy looking for houses I’ve only applied for one job which I don’t think I’ll get. Anyway it’s a viscious circle because even if I do land a job I need somewhere to live, so the housing situation has to come first. I know I can support myself for a few months if I’m without work, but it’s still highly stressful as most land lord’s want working professionals to rent their rooms so they have some security that the rent will get paid. I would pay it of course even if I wasn’t working but how are they to know that I’m reliable when it comes to finances?

The third major balls up is my love life. Things have totally gone off the boil with BB, I don’t really want to talk much about it, but let’s just say her ex is still very much on her mind and it’s making things very complicated. We hooked up last week and she was supposed to stay over, but because she had other stuff on her mind we didn’t really connect and she ended up leaving and I went to bed feeling awful. We’ve spoken since and I’ve made the decision to basically back off and try not to contact her unless she says she wants to meet up. She needs to sort her shit out before she can even think about being with anyone else, casually or otherwise I think. So what I was hoping was going to be a hot as hell, can’t get enough of fucking and spending time with each other situation, based on what it was like the first time has gone ice cold. Shame because there could have been potential there, but I do know how she’s feeling because I was in no position really to think about anyone else when I’d just broken up with DL. Maybe given time she’ll realise what she’s missing, who knows.

So today I’m feeling fed up, stressed out, and to be honest, rather lonely. It’s times like this I do miss having some one to share things with, and I know I’d feel so much better with a little TLC. See, I might be all yeah women this and women that, casual no strings fucks and miss independent, but I do have a softer, more vulnerable side, it’s just afraid to show itself when I know I’ve only got me to rely on. It’s coming out today though. I just want some one to cook me some dinner, run me a hot bath, then take me to bed and release all the tension that’s built up in my body by making love to me tenderly, then hold me and tell me that it’s all going to be fine, and that I’ll find a house and a job and some security sometime soon. Instead I’m going to go and make a sandwich because I can’t be arsed to cook, have a shower and go to bed and cuddle the dog and mope and feel sorry for myself. Life could be better.

Unfaithful

Not much exciting has happened in my life this week, but something did happen to my flatmate which I want to talk about...

On Wednesday my mother and I were sitting in the house having just walked the dog in the park, when A unexpectedly came home from work. I asked if she was ok, and she said that she wasn't. It turns out that J, her boyfriend of two years has been cheating on her with his ex partner for the entirety of their relationship. A had apparently suspected something was wrong and when looking at his stuff earlier that day had found photographs on his camera of him and ex girl together. A called ex girl who confirmed that they'd never stopped seeing one another, and was shocked to realise that J and A were still in a relationship together, he having told ex girl he'd split with A six months ago. So basically she's found out that he's a two timing, lying, scheming, devious little bastard who thought he could get away with stringing them both along. The thing is that he and A lived together before she moved in with me, the reason she moved out of his flat was to give them both some breathing space because they'd been arguing. Recently they'd been talking about buying a place together and he'd told her he wanted to settle down and have kids with her. So as you can imagine she's absolutely deverstated. She went to meet ex girl that evening who apparently showed her messages he'd sent to her and gave her dates and times they'd met, which corresponded to when he'd told A he had to work away. J is overseas at the moment looking at buying some land to build a property, so she called him and confronted him, and from what I can gather at every possible oppurtunity he tried to play it down. It was only when she told him she knew everything that he confessed, and he also apparently called ex girl to find out what was going on when A was with her, and she ansered the phone and he crapped himself because she and ex girl were talking. Get this though, he's now apparently hounding her with appologetic messages, claiming to be suicidal and saying that his life isn't worth living if she's not in it. It makes me so fucking angry when people do this kind of thing. God knows I had it for long enough with DL when we split, she kept threatening to kill herself, and the guilt and responsibility it places on you is phenominal. A and I have just had a chat because she's obviously feeling awful and like she's responsible for his actions, and I've told her that of course she's not, and that he obviously wasn't thinking about how much he cared for her while he was screwing some one else. I also posed the question of how do you know he's not telling ex girl the same thing he's telling you? How can she ever believe a single word that comes out of his mouth? I just feel so sorry for her because I can see the torment she's going through, and what she really should be saying to him is go and fuck yourself, you bought this on yourself, i'm not rssponsible for you, we all have choices and you made the wrong ones, now get out of my life. But of course when you're in that situation you don't say those things because you're terrified of what that person might do to themselves, and so he's persuaded her in to meeting him tomorrow on his return to the UK. I just feel so mad for her, and hope she's got the strength to tell him where to go. How can you ever claim to love some one if you're unfaithful to them for the entire relationship? It makes me laugh, he's pathetic! I never liked him from the start, he always seemed slimey to me whenever I met him, and I can just see him weedling his way back in through some emotional blackmail. I just hope she's smart enough not to fall for it. Fucking men! He wants his knob chopping off if you ask me, then he won't have anywhere to stick it at all!

London Part Two

As I type this post I hear your groans of dismay coming at me across the world wide web, you’ll see why in a minute.

This second post concerns the time I spent with DL while I was in the big smoke. And yes I know I said I’d stop talking about her ages ago and I haven’t, but maybe there’s a valid reason for that. One could look at it in two ways. One: I’ve had three lovers since DL and I separated. Each has been casual and I have wanted nothing from any of them other than the physical pleasure we can offer each other. Sounds clinical, but it’s true. So, I’ve been lacking an emotional connection since DL and I broke up and I’m missing that, which could be why I’m feeling the way I am about her. The second way of looking at the situation is that my feelings for her could possibly be trying to tell me something vital about what should happen between us in the future. Obviously we broke up for extremely valid reasons and I try to keep them in mind, especially of late. And since she left I’ve coped remarkably well I think, but I can’t escape the fact that I have missed her. This is perfectly normal I hear you saying, it’s bound to happen because you spent two years together. I know this, but it’s like I’ve said before, I’m not happier these days than when I’m with her. We can be doing anything, just going for dinner, or shopping, or driving in the car, and I feel so relaxed and content, a feeling I just can’t seem to replicate when she’s not around.

When I was in London we spent quite a lot of time together. On Monday night we went for dinner in an upmarket Italian restaurant near westminister bridge, and afterwards walked along the Thames with the dog. To be quite honest I didn’t want the evening to end, and my will power broke and I found myself asking her to spend the night and wanting it more than anything. It wasn’t even about sex, it was about the closeness of being with her, feeling her body next to mine, cuddling close to her when I woke up in the middle of the night, smelling her skin and feeling the softness of her lips. Back at where I was staying I lay on the bed while she massaged my feet, and laughed hysterically because I just felt an overwhelming sense of release that I haven’t done for months. I laughed until tears ran down my cheeks and my body shook, she alternating between laughing with me and looking mildly concerned at my heightened emotional state. She declined the offer of staying over, and although I was disappointed I admired her will power because I know she wanted too more than anything. But we hugged at the door and she left, and I had a long hot bath and an orgasm and went to sleep.

On Wednesday she came over in the morning with croissants and I was in the shower when she arrived. I opened the door dripping wet in a towel and darted back to the shower, freezing cold to finish washing my hair. Without hesitation she followed me in to the bathroom and the sexual chemistry between us was apparent to us both. I knew she was looking at my body and I told her to go in to the kitchen while I got dressed, and when I was decent I followed her to have breakfast. I can’t really remember how we spent the next hour but I know we ate and sat together on the sofa and chatted about random things, and I don’t quite know how it happened but she picked me up and headed for the bedroom. We cuddled on the bed and muttered something about going out shopping, and then we made love. There it is, I’ve said it. After two months of not seeing each other and not even daring to think about the incredible sex we always had, we made love. It was incredible, and I didn’t regret a single minute of it. The connection I had been lacking over the past few months was right there, I swear I could have orgasmed without her even touching me, the mental stimulation was there and it was amazingly intense. Afterwards we were languid and happy and lay for a while just kissing before getting up and heading out shopping in to Harrow. We ate dinner in a lovely Chinese restaurant, and then headed back to the flat. That night was emotional and sensual and intense and loving, everything we wanted it to be. We kissed and touched and massaged each other with oils, listened to soft music, held each other, the love making was firstly soft and gentle and then wild and passionate, crazy dirty like it used to be. She read my mind, pressed my buttons, took me to heights I’d forgotten existed. I know it sounds corny, but that’s really the way it was. We fell asleep in each others arms, and didn’t let go all night. In the morning we stayed in bed way past the time we should have got up, then packed and drove to the station. We reluctantly said goodbye and I went back to Sheffield hating every mile that took me further away from London, and away from her.

We did a lot of talking during that time, the main conclusions of which are that neither of us are going to rush in to anything. We both acknowledge that we needed to break up because things weren’t going the way we wanted them too, but we are also, both of us, trying to take steps to change things. She is much more relaxed, I noticed when her Tomtom stopped working in the car, she just took it in her stride whereas at one time it would have probably gone through the window. She is also seeking counceling and looking for a job, all steps in the right direction. I’m not expecting big things, but it says a lot that she’s trying to get her life together much more independently than she would have done six months ago, and that, added to the way I feel about her is what is making me think twice about being without her. So we’ve both agreed it’ll be at least another six months before we sit down and have a conversation about whether we’re going to be friends, or give it another go, and neither of us are expecting the other to wait around until then either. If she’s found some one else by then, I’ll have to deal with it, and vice versa. I just can’t describe how perfect the other day was, and I’m not just talking about the bedroom, I mean everything. The way we talked, laughed, just spent time in comfortable silence, it was all wonderful. When talking to friends I’ve had mixed reactions. Some people aren’t at all surprised and think we’ll end up getting back together, whereas others think that I should cut all contact with her for a while and distance myself completely, but I tried that for a few weeks and we both hated it. I know for me it was the most miserable time ever, and I felt like my best friend was lost as well as my partner. Getting back together with her might not even happen, but I have to accept the fact that it is a possibility, because I can’t ignore the feelings I have about her, or how I miss her when we’re apart and how I feel when we’re together, the connection we have and how it’s just not like that with anyone else. She understands the way I think and feel, she knows me inside out, she knows how my mind works and she can read me like a book. Of course it might be something that we can’t repair and we’ll end up just being very close friends, I’m just looking down all the avenues. I don’t know if we could be together in the long term, it’s something we have to work out together over a long period of time. Neither of us want to get hurt again which is why we’re taking it very slowly and giving each other lots of time and space to think things through. This is a unique situation for me, never before have I wanted to get back with an ex once I’ve made the decision to split, I’m certainly not in the habbit of clinging on to relationships the way I am with this one, but likewise nor have I ever loved some one so much before and wanted something to work so badly. I’m going to use my head and follow my heart and see where it leads me, hopefully it’ll be in the right direction as far as this is concerned.

I’ve also decided to stop having casual sex for a while, as it’s really not helping things. I know that for me casual sex is of course about getting physical pleasure, but it’s also about wanting to feel close to some one, and when you’re not in a relationship the easiest way to do that is to do the casual no strings thing. But I’ve realised lately that it’s not helping me. I want something from my sexual partners that they can’t give to me, and it’s not their fault it’s mine, because although I’m craving the closeness I’m also blocking it because I’m fully aware that it’s casual and that they, or I could leave at any time, especially when situations happen as with casual lover and that whole mess. So I’m going to make some time for myself, which will mean my sex toys will get a good working out, but I think it’ll do me good not to be involved with absolutely anyone for a while. So hear’s to the soul searching, sort of celibate me for a while.

You just know though that when you tell yourself you can’t have sex it’s all you think about. I’ve been reading an anthology of anal erotica over the past few days, I get the feeling I'll be doing the kit cat shuffle a lot! :)

Jet Lag!

Shit! I am seriously jet lagged, it’s almost one in the morning and I feel like it’s the middle of the afternoon. Fuck!

The last three days in New Orleans sped by. On Saturday we went to the mall in the morning and then to the French Quarter again in the afternoon where I bought some bits to take back home. Then in the evening we went on the dinner cruise that Kerry had booked for us a few weeks previously. The food was delicious, seasoned chicken with garlic potatoes and southern style spinach, with bread pudding for dessert. After we ate dinner we headed out on deck and listened to the jazz band play while the river crept by beneath us and it was really lovely apart from it being slightly too cold to stand still for long. We wondered around, looked in the gift shop and then went to sit out again so that Kerry could view the New Orleans skyline as we headed back up river. It was around ten when the cruise ended and we headed back to the hotel and chatted for ages before going to bed. We talked a little about past relationships, and our discovery of our feelings for women, it was definitely good to get to know Kerry a little better.

On Sunday morning we headed to Kerry’s house and I met her two lovely pooches, Iris and Nelly who immediately took a liking to me. Then we headed out to Mississippi to go to the beach. It was a marvellous day, brilliant sunshine and it was really warm, and as soon as we were within throwing distance of the water I wanted to get in. It took a little coaxing for Kerry to actually get her whole body in to the ocean as she thought the water a little cold, and we swam around and flicked water at each other and luxuriated in the calm waters of the bay. After that we lay on towels to dry and then headed back at around four as we were going out with Kerry’s parents for dinner that evening. Her family are lovely people, her brother is very sweet and her parents really interesting and good conversation. We went to a seafood restaurant and I had, yes you guessed it, fried shrimp, my favourite, and when dinner was over Kerry and I headed to Bourbon street which is where most of New Orleans night life is situated. We went to a gay bar which proved interesting, being more male oriented than female, and then I sampled a hurricane drink which was delicious.

On Monday we rose a little later than usual and then headed out to Oak Ally, a sugarcane plantation about forty five minutes drive away. We were given a guided tour of the beautiful old house with some history on the plantation, and on the way home we stopped to get a McDonalds ice-cream Sunday. I’m making a point of telling you this because they stopped selling them in the UK about ten years ago and I used to be crazy about the caramel ones. So when I discovered through Kerry that they still sold them in the US, well of course I had to have one. It was divine! In the evening we headed to a lovely Italian restaurant and then stopped at the store where Kerry bought me a huge fluffy pink Easter bunny, so cute!

So yesterday morning we were up and making sure that everything was packed and arrived at the airport by ten thirty. Kerry was given a special pass to let her through to the gate which was nice and she stayed with me until it was time to get on the plane. We did have a serious moment when she asked me if there was any hope of us having a relationship when she moved to the UK, and I did feel a little awkward because we’ve always been clear about the fun we’ve had being casual. I explained as nicely as I could that I’m really not looking for anything right now and that I just wanted her friendship, and she seemed ok with that, more worried that she’d asked the wrong question than anything, so I hope I’ve not disappointed her or hurt her feelings in any way.

So yes, in total I travelled for more than 24 hours spanning yesterday and today. First I took a flight to Dallas which lasted an hour and a half, then I had a three hour wait to get my connection, then took a nine hour flight to London, which is six hours ahead of New Orleans time. So by the time we touched down at Gatwick it was 8 in the morning and I felt shattered. It took until around nine to get through customs and baggage reclaim, and I was so pleased to see DL still there waiting for me. My phone hadn’t been working properly and I was afraid she’d panic and wonder where I was because it took so long to get through the airport. But she was there and we headed to her car for the drive through London to the train station. I don’t know why but when we were in the car I felt so emotional, it’d been so long since we’d seen each other, and to be honest I’d been feeling a little empty inside lately. But when I saw her there in the airport it was like some one had pulled the plug on all my feelings, and I sat there in the car with my heart full and aching, feeling like some one had punched me in the stomach, and I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I felt so embarrassed and when she asked what was wrong I just said that I was tired and not to worry and she didn’t push it any further. On the way to the station we stopped for some breakfast and spent time chatting, and then I dozed most of the rest of the way there. She kept making me jump by resting her hand on my leg when I was half asleep and I felt bad for being sleepy when it had been two months since we’d seen each other. At the train station we arrived to discover I’d just missed a train home and had to wait an hour for the next one, so we sat in a café and drank strong coffee. By now I was feeling like death warmed up and was longing to lie down somewhere, anywhere to sleep. DL said that she wanted to come home with me and we laughed and I told her she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes with her. We did lots of flirting and she made lots of sexual innuendos, little minx, and we’re meeting up for dinner next week when I’m back in London. When the train was ready to leave we had the biggest hug and she reluctantly pulled away, saying that she didn’t want me to leave. I felt sad too, and am starting to realise how fucked up this situation is. I don’t seem to feel anything anymore unless I’m with her, and when she’s there it’s like I come alive. I keep thinking about the reasons why we separated and know they were valid and genuine, but part of me can’t help wondering what if we gave it another go? Maybe we’d learn from our mistakes and not make them again twice. God it’s so messed up, and I’m well aware that we both need time and space and at least another few months needs to pass before we can even think about reconsidering the relationship stuff. I just don’t know what to do. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I feel safe with her? Yes. Does she make me happy? Hmm, at the moment when we see each other, yes, but not so much when things got bad between us. Do I think it could work again? I really don’t know. The chemistry and electricity is still there between us, I feel like I’m home when she’s close to me, but it was such an incredibly hard decision to make leaving her and it was so painful that I know I need to be 200 per cent sure that I’m doing the right thing if I were to go back to her. And right now I’m not, so I guess that’s that for the time being…

So here I am, in bed wide awake, totally jet lagged, not being able to sleep when I actually have the chance too, a million thoughts running through my head. I finally got home at around six this evening after a two and a half hour train journey, and called the people who were looking after Una straight away so that they could bring her home. I missed my baby girl so much and she went crazy when she saw me, I don’t know who was more pleased, me or the dog. So we’ve spent most of the evening on the sofa together while I’ve caught up on the l-word and tried not to think about everything I have to do within the next few weeks. For a start I have to work my arse off studying, I have three assignments to write, three presentations to prepare, plus a pile of books to read and it’s all due in very, very soon. I’m also in London next week as I mentioned earlier doing some work experience with a grants company which will be interesting but I’ll be very busy I think. On Friday of this week mum is coming over for the day to bring the rest of my things that she took home in her suitcase, and then in the evening Casual Lover is coming over and staying the night. Apparently she’s missed “my good loving” while I’ve been away so I get the feeling I’ll need my energy. Why then do I get the feeling I’ll be awake half the night and asleep most of tomorrow? Damn the time difference between the UK and US, it’s thrown me completely. Anyone want to sing me a lullaby? Lol.

New York Baby!

Yes, I'm coming to the good old US of A! Anyone live in New York?...

This is one of my crazy, impulsive, let's just do it trips that I don't do very often, but when I do, I go all out. I was thinking about the trip to China at easter, and there were a few things that were getting in the way of it all running smoothly. For a start I couldn't book the flights until fairly late which put the cost right up, and my dear friend who I intended to visit is at uni so it would restrict what we could do. I did also plan to go to New York this year for my birthday, although not around the time of it because of my finals, so I thought about swapping them around. I mentioned it to my mother and she thought it would be a possibility, and then I started looking at flights. They were coming up really cheaply, and there were two people I really wanted to go and visit too, that is my friend Baby G who is in St Louis for six months, and Kerry, (Chasing Midnight). So i calculated the round trip and it was still coming up at an affordable price, so I started getting really excited. Anyway the long and short of it is, after days and days of consulting with people, looking at flights and hotels, I am now going to New York with my mother, and then on to spend five days with Kerry in New Orleans, and this is happening in March! I am so excited I can't put it in to words, and when I had finally booked all the flights and hotels I just screamed and bounced around for ages, along with my mother who is also equally as excited as I am. I think she's a little nervous about flying home by herself but she'll be fine if she doesn't think about it. So yes, the USA, here I come!!!!! In NY we're staying in a hotel in Greenwich village so we're at the centre of everything, and in New Orleans I'm staying near the French Quarter, and Kerry will be staying with me. She's already started planning what we're going to do with the time we have, which leaves me to think about what I'm going to do in New York. I definitely want to go shopping and to the theatre, any other suggestions are very welcome.

In other news I've started back at uni, and already I feel like I'm five paces behind my life. I don't think i've been on time for any appointment this week and I'm dead on my feet. I also decided to cut contact with DL on Friday because I didn't feel that her calling me everyday was doing her any good. It was terribly hard to do, but I think it's for the best. I spoke with her briefly online yesterday and she sounds much better and more positive so I think it was a step in the right direction. I'm also learning a lot about myself and the relationships I make during this whole process, not only with DL, but with others also. Last night i lost a person who I considered to be a friend, because all of a sudden the connection we had is lost. I'm not sure if it's me with the emotional issues, or her, or both. I do know that I am in the process of grieving for what I lost with DL, and also healing and putting myself back together again. Time is a great healer, I do honestly believe that. It's also snowing here, for the firsst time in ages, which is pretty if not a pain in the ass. I've already been out today throwing snowballs at the dog, she loves it! She chases them and then eats them when she catches them, bless her. So yes, that's my news, only five more weeks and then I'm going trans atlantic!

Another mad week gone by!
Just realised I haven't posted all week... I think i'm losing my mind!

I really just need life to slow down at the moment and let me catch up, but it's not going to and so I have to do a bit of jogging and catch up with life!

Monday was spent trying to finish off my essay and doing more work for uni, and so was pretty uneventful. Monday night we went to bed at about eleven and
made love and fell asleep at around twelvish. I was woken at four by puking sounds coming from the bathroom, and DL was nowhere in sight. Dragging myself
out of sleep I went in to the bathroom and found her kneeling over the loo emptying out the romantic meal we'd eaten earlier. She was up and down from
the bedroom to the bathroom for the rest of the night, and all of Tuesday, and I ended up taking the morning off because neither of us got much sleep,
to look after her. Poor thing, she just lay on the sofa all day not moving, and that was how I knew she felt like shit, because she usually insists on
getting up to do things. She started to get hungry later in the evening, and she'd tried some toast a little earlier and kept it down, so I made her a
baked potato with chicken, and she managed to keep most of it down thankfully. We went to bed on Tuesday night, and she slept right through until mid day
on Wednesday, which did her the world of good. She's feeling much better now.

On Wednesday I dragged my very tired self out of bed and made it in to uni for both lectures. I also handed in my crappy essay, which I neither had the
energy or the inclination to make any better than it was, and have no idea what kind of mark I'll get for it, not a high one I'm thinking. DL was awake
when I got back home, and her friend Jackson was visiting from Dorset, so the two of us and him and Doofus went to the pub for lunch, which was great!
We spent most of the afternoon in there, and then DL and I went to the hairdressers to get hair cuts. In the evening DL went to see Doofus, and Kim came
round with poetry and Baclava (don't ask me how to spell it, it's a turkish/greek pastry), and I opened a bottle of wine. It was really great to catch
up with her, as I hadn't seen her since before easter, she read some of her amazing poetry to me, and we chatted about everything you could think of until
midnight, when I protested that I had to be up early and she left. Twas a fab evening though!

This is where the drama comes in. I have no idea what happened to me last night, the only thing I can say is that for some reason I completely lost the
plot for a couple of hours. DL arrived home just after midnight, and I was a bit miffed at how late it had gotten (which was both our fault), because I
wanted some loving. So we got in to bed, and she chose that moment to tell me that when her mother phoned earlier, she said that she wanted DL to come
and work with her in her office in London for the time being. This would mean that DL would be in London during the week and come back here at the weekends.
Well I don't know, I just completely lost it. I guess I took it personally that she expected or even considered that DL would half move out of the home
we've put so much effort in to making wonderful together, to go and live back with her parents during the week, leaving me here on my own for 90 per cent
of the time. I'm sorry, but we are not paying the price we are to live here to have a semi long distance relationship. If that was an option, DL would
have looked for a job in London when she graduated, and I would have moved in with other students, so at least I wouldn't be on my own. Anyway I got really
angry and upset, and said that her mum obviously didn't value our relationship very much and it was obvious she hadn't given a thought to how I would feel
about the situation, and lots more irrational things. It all came because I hadn't realised until then how stressed I've been lately, what with uni, stuff
with my mum etc etc, and I guess I didn't have time to rejuvinate over easter because we were in London. So basically I fell apart and cried for two hours
solid. It was horrible actually, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Every time I tried to stop I couldn't, it just got worse, and I thought it
would never stop. To be fair, DL was wonderful, she just kept telling me everything would work out with my mother and her mother and uni and everything,
and she held me and told me she loved me, and that she hadn't even considered her mother's offer etc etc. We eventually settled down at around three this
morning, and I missed a lecture at ten, but made it in for eleven. I feel much better today, I guess I just lost the plot temporarily. I'm still a bit
miffed that her mother on the one hand is lovely to me and seems to support our commitment, and then on the other hand she does things which I feel completely
undermines it. I think she'd just be happier if DL said she was moving back home for good. Even if I was ok with her going to London, and she wanted to,
we both talked this morning and agreed it wouldn't solve the long term problem of finding a permenant job, because while she's working in London, she's
not looking for a job here, and still paying rent to only half live in our house, so what would be the point. Anyway, that was last night lol, crazy I
know.

I have to go to the doctors shortly to sort out my injections for Africa, and don't think we're doing a lot tonight. Tomorrow my dad's coming over with
the dog for the day, and there's a possibility that my uncle, aunty and their two kids are coming to visit for the weekend. I just want to shut myself
away from the world for a while and collect my thoughts, and prepare myself for the next few months. The trouble is there's no let up, for a while at least,
I'm just going to have to keep going. I know I must sound like a moaning bitch, because people have things to deal with that are much worse, I guess I'm
just a bit stressed and worn out. Still here though, and will keep you posted.

heavenly day!
Wow, what a day! DL and I decided to devote today to being with each other, no phone calls, no msn and no visitors. The blinds are closed, and we have only
recently emerged from the bedroom, and that was reluctantly to make dinner. We haven't been having sex all day, but the sex we've had was first tender
and loving, and then incredibly filthy, and I feel thoroughly used, abused, and happy! We had tea, toast with jam and serial in bed this morning, and we've
watched more 24, and she read Diva to me, (UK lesbian magazine), and to her I've read the first two chapters of Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters. It's
been heavenly just lying in bed, cuddling, talking, making love and spending time together, plus at the weekend she bought some very sexy lingerie, which
I discovered on crawling back in to bed after making breakfast.

Now we're both languid and happy, and the chili is simmering while potatoes bake in the oven. I definitely want more days like these!

And just a little chain thing that I've seen on several blogs, and decided to steal it and do it myself. I'm not tagging, but feel free to steal and let
me know you've done it.

1. Who was your first prom date? Well, I never took a date to any function at school or college, because I refused to take a guy and I guess was too shy
to take a girl, so I always went with my friends.
2. Who was your first roommate(s)?
Well, I lived in halls for the first year at college, but my first propper house mates were my girl Baby G, and a chinese girl called Winnie, who I lived
with in my second year.
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk?
Wow, I can't even remember! I think it was probably something called Hooch, that I don't think exists anymore.
4. What was your first job?
I'm afraid to say I've never had a job, because I'm still studying.
5. What was your first car?
I can't drive, but the first car I remember my mum having was a Ford Escort back when we were poor.
6. When did you go to your first funeral?
When I was six and my grand father died. I was so broken, but for some reason I kept laughing. I think it must have been a nervous thing because I was so
incredibly upset when he passed.
7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
I was sixteen when I moved to a sleepy country town to go to college.
8. Who was your first grade teacher?
A woman called Miss Rose who I don't really remember.
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
I think it was to Grand Canaria when I was seven. I kept shouting, "faster, faster," as we sped down the runway.
10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
I never snook out, but I did tell lots of lies when I was younger, saying that I was spending the night at my friends house and that we would watch a film.
Well I did stay at my friend's house, but we went to a club and stayed out till two in the morning, I was fifteen, tut tut! Around the same time I also
said I was going to the same friends house, but instead went to meet the girl I was going out with and who was four years my senior, without my parents
knowledge. My mum eventually found out and there was hell to pay.
11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?
My first best friend was a girl called Toni, who was two years older than me and who lived a couple of streets away. She also proved to be the first girl
I slept with, and we keep in touch speradically and aren't as close as we used to be.
12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?
Well, I lived in halls at college, then in two houses in the second year as stated above, then moved to where I'm at now.
13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? DL
14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman?
My father's when I was six. He was marrying my step mother. They're divorced now though.
15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Roll over and cuddle my lady.
16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
I went to see Celine Dion at Wembly when I was thirteen, it was fab!
17. First tattoo or piercing?
My ears when I was about five. They made me take the earings out at school though, so I had them redone when I was eleven, and refused to take them out
that time.
18. First celebrity crush?
Don't laugh! There was this woman in Home and Away called Kelly Wats I think. Can't remember the actresses name, but she was gorgeous anyway. I was so sad
when she left, I was ten.
19. Age of first kiss?
I was very young, about 8 I think, and it was a propper kiss too.
20. First crush?
Hmmm, well there was a teacher at school I had a thing for, and a friend of my mum's friends who came to visit from Canada who I was loopy about. They were
roughly the same time. I was gutted when she went back to Canada, and cried when the teacher left for Australia.
21. First time you did drugs?
The only time I ever went near drugs was when I was fifteen in a club, I did poppers a couple of times. I was going through a rebellious phase, and wouldn't
do it again.

Shit!
WE just had this stupid argument over nothing at all, and ended up shouting at each other, DL storming around and me having a strop. In the end I said I
wasn't coming to bed, that I would sleep out here, and she didn't ask me not to or anything, just said, "thanks," and closed the bedroom door. I want to
cry! During our entire relationship, we've never gone to bed on an argument, always making up in some way before we go to sleep. Now she's in there, and
I'm out here, and it looks like i'm in the spare room for the first time in our relationship. I'm too angry to go and try to make it up, I just want her
to come back out and ask me to come to bed. I've been feeling kind of clingy over the past couple of days which really isn't like me at all, and I just
want to sleep in her arms, which I doubt will happen tonight. It's been a while and she's still not come out, so I get the feeling she's not going too.
I hate arguing! And I don't know if I want to cry, or break something!