Home is where I lay my hat

I’m not going to go in to the details of the stressfulness of what it’s like looking for somewhere to live in the capital, but it is surficed to say that this last couple of weeks have been one of the most stressful times of my life. I’ve been to view properties where people outrightly false advertise, I’ve been turned down countless times because I have the dog, I’ve searched and searched until last weekend I was contemplating having to move back up north because I was going to become homeless if I stayed here. Thankfully due to the wonderful strength of my friends and the support they gave me I managed to stick with it, and on the last day I had to look for places I got a studio flat in west London which I’m moving in to to tomorrow. I can’t tell you how relieved I am, plus utterly exhausted, as I’ve been working, on a training course for a few days, plus had an interview for another job in the meantime. So I’m off to bed and will write more as soon as I have the net up and running at the new place, just wanted to stick my head around the door to let you know I’m still here and doing ok. And hugs to everyone up north, I miss you and love you all very much, and I’ll be popping up very soon for a night out and hugs!

Better Days

The three main things that hold life together for me are all going topsy turvey right now. Firstly I still haven’t found a place to live. Was supposed to be going to view a house tonight and when I spoke to the woman living there she sounded lovely and was actually quite flirtatious on the phone. Then she called me today saying that some one had already been to view and had taken the room. If she’d told me others were already going to see it I would have gone last night, but she implied otherwise and declined to say that I had competition, silly me I should have known better, it is London after all. So that put a dampener on my day and I don’t have any other prospective properties to look at either. Two and a half weeks and counting down until I have to vacate my friend’s living room…

The second life change is my job of course, and I’ve been so busy looking for houses I’ve only applied for one job which I don’t think I’ll get. Anyway it’s a viscious circle because even if I do land a job I need somewhere to live, so the housing situation has to come first. I know I can support myself for a few months if I’m without work, but it’s still highly stressful as most land lord’s want working professionals to rent their rooms so they have some security that the rent will get paid. I would pay it of course even if I wasn’t working but how are they to know that I’m reliable when it comes to finances?

The third major balls up is my love life. Things have totally gone off the boil with BB, I don’t really want to talk much about it, but let’s just say her ex is still very much on her mind and it’s making things very complicated. We hooked up last week and she was supposed to stay over, but because she had other stuff on her mind we didn’t really connect and she ended up leaving and I went to bed feeling awful. We’ve spoken since and I’ve made the decision to basically back off and try not to contact her unless she says she wants to meet up. She needs to sort her shit out before she can even think about being with anyone else, casually or otherwise I think. So what I was hoping was going to be a hot as hell, can’t get enough of fucking and spending time with each other situation, based on what it was like the first time has gone ice cold. Shame because there could have been potential there, but I do know how she’s feeling because I was in no position really to think about anyone else when I’d just broken up with DL. Maybe given time she’ll realise what she’s missing, who knows.

So today I’m feeling fed up, stressed out, and to be honest, rather lonely. It’s times like this I do miss having some one to share things with, and I know I’d feel so much better with a little TLC. See, I might be all yeah women this and women that, casual no strings fucks and miss independent, but I do have a softer, more vulnerable side, it’s just afraid to show itself when I know I’ve only got me to rely on. It’s coming out today though. I just want some one to cook me some dinner, run me a hot bath, then take me to bed and release all the tension that’s built up in my body by making love to me tenderly, then hold me and tell me that it’s all going to be fine, and that I’ll find a house and a job and some security sometime soon. Instead I’m going to go and make a sandwich because I can’t be arsed to cook, have a shower and go to bed and cuddle the dog and mope and feel sorry for myself. Life could be better.

Less is more

Do you know, I’ve felt myself changing quite a lot over the past few months, I don’t quite know how to explain it, it’s just that something in me has shifted, and although I had a zest for life before, it’s so much stronger now. I literally never stop, from when I get out of bed at seven in the morning until I collapse in to it at midnight if I’m lucky. I used to love curling up to read for hours, now I find myself getting easily distracted because I want to be on the go all the time, and when I do sit down for a period of time I usually fall asleep because I’m tired. Not sure if it’s healthy though because I rarely feel relaxed these days. Saturday was a complete and utter blurr really, I spent most of the day falling asleep and felt really bad because DL had come over to see me. I think she was mystified as to why I was so tired bless her, but I did wake up enough to cook dinner and then turf her out to sleep some more. We have actually had a discussion lately and we’re not going to see each other quite so much anymore, because to put it plainly she’s still in love, and I no longer feel that way for her. Plus I think being around me is making her view her counceling in totally the wrong way, that is she’s doing it in the hope that she’ll change in to a person I’ll fall back in love with. I know I’m being quite matter of fact, but to be honest it’s been over nine months now since the split, and enough is enough. No more emotional blackmail and feeling like if I distance myself from her she’ll do something stupid, it’s time for her to take responsibility for her actions, and me for mine and we both have to accept the fact that maybe we can’t really have a proper friendship yet, or maybe even ever unless we both properly move on. The other day she sent me flowers at work in the hope to cheer me up as I was pissed off, but it made me so mad, I actually thought, “why the hell are you of all people sending me flowers?” Maybe that’s a bit extreme but I just feel like a lot of the things she does are bids to try and pull at my heart strings, and while she can be sweet and send flowers and do things for me, she couldn’t let my graduation go by without causing a scene and making me cry, and it’s those things that matter to me and all the flowers in the world won’t change my memory of that day now. Anyway enough of that, onwards and upwards…

I had a meeting with my manager on Monday about the job offers, and I’m going to apply for a couple and see what I get. Maybe nothing will come of it, but all I can do is try I guess. I am slightly panicking about my living situation because I really do have to be out by the end of August and still haven’t found anything, so I could potentially be jobless and homeless by the end of the month. I’m trying to stay positive though, something will come up I’m sure. Work has been quite fun this week, it’s going surprisingly quickly and I’ve been busy until today. I’m sort of finishing the project I’m doing now and starting something new tomorrow so at the moment I’m at a bit of a loose end, and I figured that typing away furiously makes it look like I’m busier than if I sit playing with two five pence coins and dancing in my seat to my ipod, even if I am blogging. Last night I went to a new lesbian group in town and it was rather fun if a little tame. Tonight I’m going to the usual Wednesday group and tomorrow night I really have to spend surfing the net for properties. BB and I have also been keeping in touch since the weekend and I think we’re going to meet up on Friday, we need to discuss boundaries if we’re going to do the whole sub/dom thing, what is and isn’t acceptable that kind of thing. I really like her actually, she’s very sweet and thoughtful and obviously totally does it for me sexually so hopefully we’ll get on well as friends and playmates. This weekend I’m going to Brighton pride, woo! Ladies ladies and more ladies, not that I’m obsessed or anything haha. God I do love being single though, so many opportunities!

Suppose I’d better go and find something constructive to do, will write again soon. And to my real life friends who read this, I will send you emails soon, I promise, I know I’ve been crap at keeping in touch lately, still love ya though!

Too busy living life to write about it

I haven’t really been in the mood to blog just lately, mainly because I seem to be on the go from the minute I wake up until I fall in to bed, usually with far too few hours to sleep until I have to get up again. Life in London is most certainly hectic, and I have to say I love every minute of it. Work is going really well, I’ve been really busy over the past week and am steadily getting to know my team better as time passes. I don’t much like the travelling in on the tube, I arrive at work looking flushed and sweating because we’re all packed in like sardines on the trains, but everyone’s the same really. I spent almost every night last week going to view houses, none of which were suitable for one reason or another, and my saving grace came in my friend O who insisted I not stay in that awful house any longer and move in to his flat, which I did on Sunday. I have to say he is an absolute godsend, he’s been such a lovely friend in my hour of need, I really do think I’d have gone crazy if I’d had to stay there any longer.

So I left work on Friday night planning to go for drinks with a friend of mine and his girlfriend. Unfortunately the traffic was worse than usual and it took me just under two hellish hours to get home in a cab, making me late to meet them. So I rushed around getting changed and headed straight out again, and we had a lovely evening catching up over dinner and drinks. Saturday I started packing as much as I could, and then in the evening I went out for drinks with a woman I met at the Wednesday group, so I’ll call her Group Girl. I met Group Girl and her friend in Soho and we went to The Edge bar and stood outside with drinks until it started raining, then headed to Rush which I absolutely love because it has bean bags downstairs and so you can just lounge around on the floor and it’s really chilled. Then we moved on to GAY which none of us particularly liked because it’s too cheesy by far, and then ended up in Trash Palace and stayed there until it was time to get home. I have to say I also have a new crush, but I’m not telling you whether it’s Group girl or her friend.  Anyway we headed to Leicester Square tube just when a fight was breaking out in the station, in time to find out that the Piccadilly line was down so no tubes home for me. I was very drunk by this point and so jumped in a cab and called O, woke him up, the poor thing and asked to stay at his place because it was closer. He was looking after the dog for the evening anyway, and I arrived on his doorstep with him in his dressing gown calling me a bastard, and the dog running around very pleased to see me and me wobbling drunkenly up the stairs. A good night all round then lol.

Sunday O and I just lounged around for most of the day and went to the supermarket, then DL came over in the evening to help me move some of my stuff in the car. We didn’t get all of it, and to be honest I was absolutely pissed off at my now ex housemates attitude. One stayed in his room and smoked weed which is nothing knew, and the other was too busy slobbering over the new German guy that had moved in to give a shit about what we were doing. I wouldn’t have minded, only they had used my crockery and cutlery, and it was everywhere and non of it was clean, and they didn’t seem arsed when some pieces from the very expensive set that DL and I bought couldn’t be found anywhere. I told them in no uncertain terms to find everything before I came back to get the rest of my stuff, whether it had any effect is anybody’s guess.

I left the house feeling quite stressed about it all, but soon relaxed when we arrived at O’s and unpacked my stuff. My room is what was his living room, and I have my TV and stereo and everything here, and I can get a wireless internet signal from some one else’s house, so I feel quite at home. He also has a lovely kitchen, so last night I cooked chicken stir fry with rice and bean sprouts for DL and I and then had a relaxing bath before going to bed. I can’t tell you how much more relaxed I feel just being here, the dog absolutely loves it because there’s plenty of space to run around, plus a garden, and the tube is two minutes away so no buses. I know it’s only temporary, but for now it feels like heaven.

So here’s how the rest of the week looks… Tomorrow night O’s friend A is coming over for dinner, plus I’m having another singing lesson. Wednesday I’m meeting HBS after work, she texted me yesterday hinting very strongly at another meet. Thursday I have to go out of town for work, then straight up to Sheffield that evening with DL in time for my graduation on Friday. Staying in Sheffield until Saturday to catch up with friends, then heading back on Saturday night to go to the theatre. Baby G and I have been given free tickets to an audio described performance on the condition that we write a review for the theatre company, so that’s all good. In between all that I have to look for houses, god knows when.