So I made the decision to go public again. Maybe it's a mistake, who knows. If DL is still looking for my blog it probably won't take her long to find it, and I really don't want her to read this if I can help it. So let's just see how it goes.
Anyway, the issue at hand. I really, really need some action. I don't mean to be frank, but there it is and I don't know how else to say it. In the words of Beyonce, "it's been a minute since I've had some", and it's doing my head in. I really want a new lover, I want the excitement of getting to know some one again, their likes and dislikes, even something so basic as what they do and don't like in bed, the slow seduction that we both know will lead to one place, how they fuck and like to be fucked. Now here's a revelation, and for me this is big, I haven't masturbated for over a week! Why? Because I don't want to experience physical pleasure alone. I don't want to make myself come, I want some one else to do it, and I don't want to lie there alone afterwards, I want to lie in some one's arms. I just need the physical closeness of being with some one right now, to trace the contours of her face and body, run my fingers through her hair, kiss her eyebrows, run my fingernails down her back, slip my hand between her legs and feel the hot desire there. Damn, I guess I'm just horny, but it's more than that. I really miss having a lover, and as I mentioned in another post I really do miss the thing Casual Lover and I had going on. Guess I'll just have to find myself a hot and sexy new lady sometime soon. For now, "It's just you and your hand tonight." Shut up Pink!
Showing posts with label Casual Lover. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Casual Lover. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Cama
You never really know what people are thinking…
I can’t find the words to describe how I feel at the moment, angry, hurt, upset, mortified?...
I met Casual Lover at a club back in late January. We hit it off straight away and started seeing each other on a casual, no strings basis and have been doing so for the past couple of months. At one point she was texting me all the time wanting to come over and for just over a week or so in February we saw each other practically every night. Things cooled off slightly as I was busy and she was too, but we always kept in touch by text and met up once every couple of weeks. Most of the time it was she who would text me, and in the week before I went away she texted me everyday asking when she could see me and saying that she didn’t want me to go away without us meeting up first. So on the day before I left for the US I found a couple of hours to go and see her. She was really glad to see me, we had great sex as usual and arranged to spend the night together on the 30th, which was last night. So when I got back I texted her to let her know and she sent one back saying she’d missed me, or more to the point the great sex and that she was still coming over on Friday.
So last night she appeared at around eight thirty, I dressed sexily and we sat and watched part of a film before she said she really wanted to take me to bed. So we went to bed and slept together which didn’t go as well as planned because half way through she slipped and cut me with her fingernail and after that was too self conscious to carry on touching me. So I had her and my pleasure was in making her come and we fell asleep exhausted at around one.
This morning when I woke up she was already awake and after a short time of us lying and talking she said she had to go fairly soon as she had friends coming to visit today and she had to get her house clean and tidy. I offered her breakfast which she declined, then she got up and dressed and left fairly soon after that. I said I’d text her to meet up again when I got back from London and she said that was fine.
Five minutes after she left, I received a text message that read, “I’ve escaped! Waiting for a bus! My Lord I couldn’t get out quick enough! See you in a bit, X”.
Horrified I checked the date and time of the message and reread it several times before texting her back saying that that message obviously wasn’t meant for me to read. She then sent one back saying, “I’m sorry you found out this way, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing what we did. The thing is I’ve met some one I like. Needed to get out of yours this morning because it didn’t feel right.”
Right, well that’s all well and good, but what a horrible thing to do to let me find out like that. It doesn’t bother me that I won’t see her again, what does is that she chose to be dishonest about the way she was feeling. She came over last night and instigated sex, which she didn’t have to do. She spent the night in my bed and then talks about me in this way to whoever she was texting? My God! Why couldn’t she have just been honest and A not come over last night or B come over and not stayed the night and explained she’d met some one else, or even C just sent me a text saying she couldn’t see me anymore! It was an absolutely horrible way to find out how she felt, and I can’t tell you how upset I was to know that we’d built up at least some of a connection over the past few months, and that we’d spent last night together and that she could be so disrespectful. I feel stupid, like a fool and right now I never want to have casual sex ever again. I can’t believe the immaturity, she could have handled it so differently, there was no need for me to get hurt.
After that I sent her a message back saying, “You didn’t have to stay over last night. You could have been honest about it, how do you think that knowing you hated being with me last night makes me feel? Fuck you!”
She replied saying that she came because she wasn’t sure that she could keep the arrangement and that she didn’t hate it. I said that the decision had been made and that I never wanted to see her again and that I couldn’t believe something so good had ended so badly. Her reply was, “Yeah the decision was made the same by me. I am truly sorry but I never said I was a nice person, you won’t hear from me again. Hope all works out for you.”
She has a tattoo on her hip saying, “What goes around comes around.” I sincerely hope it does…
I can’t find the words to describe how I feel at the moment, angry, hurt, upset, mortified?...
I met Casual Lover at a club back in late January. We hit it off straight away and started seeing each other on a casual, no strings basis and have been doing so for the past couple of months. At one point she was texting me all the time wanting to come over and for just over a week or so in February we saw each other practically every night. Things cooled off slightly as I was busy and she was too, but we always kept in touch by text and met up once every couple of weeks. Most of the time it was she who would text me, and in the week before I went away she texted me everyday asking when she could see me and saying that she didn’t want me to go away without us meeting up first. So on the day before I left for the US I found a couple of hours to go and see her. She was really glad to see me, we had great sex as usual and arranged to spend the night together on the 30th, which was last night. So when I got back I texted her to let her know and she sent one back saying she’d missed me, or more to the point the great sex and that she was still coming over on Friday.
So last night she appeared at around eight thirty, I dressed sexily and we sat and watched part of a film before she said she really wanted to take me to bed. So we went to bed and slept together which didn’t go as well as planned because half way through she slipped and cut me with her fingernail and after that was too self conscious to carry on touching me. So I had her and my pleasure was in making her come and we fell asleep exhausted at around one.
This morning when I woke up she was already awake and after a short time of us lying and talking she said she had to go fairly soon as she had friends coming to visit today and she had to get her house clean and tidy. I offered her breakfast which she declined, then she got up and dressed and left fairly soon after that. I said I’d text her to meet up again when I got back from London and she said that was fine.
Five minutes after she left, I received a text message that read, “I’ve escaped! Waiting for a bus! My Lord I couldn’t get out quick enough! See you in a bit, X”.
Horrified I checked the date and time of the message and reread it several times before texting her back saying that that message obviously wasn’t meant for me to read. She then sent one back saying, “I’m sorry you found out this way, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing what we did. The thing is I’ve met some one I like. Needed to get out of yours this morning because it didn’t feel right.”
Right, well that’s all well and good, but what a horrible thing to do to let me find out like that. It doesn’t bother me that I won’t see her again, what does is that she chose to be dishonest about the way she was feeling. She came over last night and instigated sex, which she didn’t have to do. She spent the night in my bed and then talks about me in this way to whoever she was texting? My God! Why couldn’t she have just been honest and A not come over last night or B come over and not stayed the night and explained she’d met some one else, or even C just sent me a text saying she couldn’t see me anymore! It was an absolutely horrible way to find out how she felt, and I can’t tell you how upset I was to know that we’d built up at least some of a connection over the past few months, and that we’d spent last night together and that she could be so disrespectful. I feel stupid, like a fool and right now I never want to have casual sex ever again. I can’t believe the immaturity, she could have handled it so differently, there was no need for me to get hurt.
After that I sent her a message back saying, “You didn’t have to stay over last night. You could have been honest about it, how do you think that knowing you hated being with me last night makes me feel? Fuck you!”
She replied saying that she came because she wasn’t sure that she could keep the arrangement and that she didn’t hate it. I said that the decision had been made and that I never wanted to see her again and that I couldn’t believe something so good had ended so badly. Her reply was, “Yeah the decision was made the same by me. I am truly sorry but I never said I was a nice person, you won’t hear from me again. Hope all works out for you.”
She has a tattoo on her hip saying, “What goes around comes around.” I sincerely hope it does…
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Jet Lag!
Shit! I am seriously jet lagged, it’s almost one in the morning and I feel like it’s the middle of the afternoon. Fuck!
The last three days in New Orleans sped by. On Saturday we went to the mall in the morning and then to the French Quarter again in the afternoon where I bought some bits to take back home. Then in the evening we went on the dinner cruise that Kerry had booked for us a few weeks previously. The food was delicious, seasoned chicken with garlic potatoes and southern style spinach, with bread pudding for dessert. After we ate dinner we headed out on deck and listened to the jazz band play while the river crept by beneath us and it was really lovely apart from it being slightly too cold to stand still for long. We wondered around, looked in the gift shop and then went to sit out again so that Kerry could view the New Orleans skyline as we headed back up river. It was around ten when the cruise ended and we headed back to the hotel and chatted for ages before going to bed. We talked a little about past relationships, and our discovery of our feelings for women, it was definitely good to get to know Kerry a little better.
On Sunday morning we headed to Kerry’s house and I met her two lovely pooches, Iris and Nelly who immediately took a liking to me. Then we headed out to Mississippi to go to the beach. It was a marvellous day, brilliant sunshine and it was really warm, and as soon as we were within throwing distance of the water I wanted to get in. It took a little coaxing for Kerry to actually get her whole body in to the ocean as she thought the water a little cold, and we swam around and flicked water at each other and luxuriated in the calm waters of the bay. After that we lay on towels to dry and then headed back at around four as we were going out with Kerry’s parents for dinner that evening. Her family are lovely people, her brother is very sweet and her parents really interesting and good conversation. We went to a seafood restaurant and I had, yes you guessed it, fried shrimp, my favourite, and when dinner was over Kerry and I headed to Bourbon street which is where most of New Orleans night life is situated. We went to a gay bar which proved interesting, being more male oriented than female, and then I sampled a hurricane drink which was delicious.
On Monday we rose a little later than usual and then headed out to Oak Ally, a sugarcane plantation about forty five minutes drive away. We were given a guided tour of the beautiful old house with some history on the plantation, and on the way home we stopped to get a McDonalds ice-cream Sunday. I’m making a point of telling you this because they stopped selling them in the UK about ten years ago and I used to be crazy about the caramel ones. So when I discovered through Kerry that they still sold them in the US, well of course I had to have one. It was divine! In the evening we headed to a lovely Italian restaurant and then stopped at the store where Kerry bought me a huge fluffy pink Easter bunny, so cute!
So yesterday morning we were up and making sure that everything was packed and arrived at the airport by ten thirty. Kerry was given a special pass to let her through to the gate which was nice and she stayed with me until it was time to get on the plane. We did have a serious moment when she asked me if there was any hope of us having a relationship when she moved to the UK, and I did feel a little awkward because we’ve always been clear about the fun we’ve had being casual. I explained as nicely as I could that I’m really not looking for anything right now and that I just wanted her friendship, and she seemed ok with that, more worried that she’d asked the wrong question than anything, so I hope I’ve not disappointed her or hurt her feelings in any way.
So yes, in total I travelled for more than 24 hours spanning yesterday and today. First I took a flight to Dallas which lasted an hour and a half, then I had a three hour wait to get my connection, then took a nine hour flight to London, which is six hours ahead of New Orleans time. So by the time we touched down at Gatwick it was 8 in the morning and I felt shattered. It took until around nine to get through customs and baggage reclaim, and I was so pleased to see DL still there waiting for me. My phone hadn’t been working properly and I was afraid she’d panic and wonder where I was because it took so long to get through the airport. But she was there and we headed to her car for the drive through London to the train station. I don’t know why but when we were in the car I felt so emotional, it’d been so long since we’d seen each other, and to be honest I’d been feeling a little empty inside lately. But when I saw her there in the airport it was like some one had pulled the plug on all my feelings, and I sat there in the car with my heart full and aching, feeling like some one had punched me in the stomach, and I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I felt so embarrassed and when she asked what was wrong I just said that I was tired and not to worry and she didn’t push it any further. On the way to the station we stopped for some breakfast and spent time chatting, and then I dozed most of the rest of the way there. She kept making me jump by resting her hand on my leg when I was half asleep and I felt bad for being sleepy when it had been two months since we’d seen each other. At the train station we arrived to discover I’d just missed a train home and had to wait an hour for the next one, so we sat in a café and drank strong coffee. By now I was feeling like death warmed up and was longing to lie down somewhere, anywhere to sleep. DL said that she wanted to come home with me and we laughed and I told her she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes with her. We did lots of flirting and she made lots of sexual innuendos, little minx, and we’re meeting up for dinner next week when I’m back in London. When the train was ready to leave we had the biggest hug and she reluctantly pulled away, saying that she didn’t want me to leave. I felt sad too, and am starting to realise how fucked up this situation is. I don’t seem to feel anything anymore unless I’m with her, and when she’s there it’s like I come alive. I keep thinking about the reasons why we separated and know they were valid and genuine, but part of me can’t help wondering what if we gave it another go? Maybe we’d learn from our mistakes and not make them again twice. God it’s so messed up, and I’m well aware that we both need time and space and at least another few months needs to pass before we can even think about reconsidering the relationship stuff. I just don’t know what to do. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I feel safe with her? Yes. Does she make me happy? Hmm, at the moment when we see each other, yes, but not so much when things got bad between us. Do I think it could work again? I really don’t know. The chemistry and electricity is still there between us, I feel like I’m home when she’s close to me, but it was such an incredibly hard decision to make leaving her and it was so painful that I know I need to be 200 per cent sure that I’m doing the right thing if I were to go back to her. And right now I’m not, so I guess that’s that for the time being…
So here I am, in bed wide awake, totally jet lagged, not being able to sleep when I actually have the chance too, a million thoughts running through my head. I finally got home at around six this evening after a two and a half hour train journey, and called the people who were looking after Una straight away so that they could bring her home. I missed my baby girl so much and she went crazy when she saw me, I don’t know who was more pleased, me or the dog. So we’ve spent most of the evening on the sofa together while I’ve caught up on the l-word and tried not to think about everything I have to do within the next few weeks. For a start I have to work my arse off studying, I have three assignments to write, three presentations to prepare, plus a pile of books to read and it’s all due in very, very soon. I’m also in London next week as I mentioned earlier doing some work experience with a grants company which will be interesting but I’ll be very busy I think. On Friday of this week mum is coming over for the day to bring the rest of my things that she took home in her suitcase, and then in the evening Casual Lover is coming over and staying the night. Apparently she’s missed “my good loving” while I’ve been away so I get the feeling I’ll need my energy. Why then do I get the feeling I’ll be awake half the night and asleep most of tomorrow? Damn the time difference between the UK and US, it’s thrown me completely. Anyone want to sing me a lullaby? Lol.
The last three days in New Orleans sped by. On Saturday we went to the mall in the morning and then to the French Quarter again in the afternoon where I bought some bits to take back home. Then in the evening we went on the dinner cruise that Kerry had booked for us a few weeks previously. The food was delicious, seasoned chicken with garlic potatoes and southern style spinach, with bread pudding for dessert. After we ate dinner we headed out on deck and listened to the jazz band play while the river crept by beneath us and it was really lovely apart from it being slightly too cold to stand still for long. We wondered around, looked in the gift shop and then went to sit out again so that Kerry could view the New Orleans skyline as we headed back up river. It was around ten when the cruise ended and we headed back to the hotel and chatted for ages before going to bed. We talked a little about past relationships, and our discovery of our feelings for women, it was definitely good to get to know Kerry a little better.
On Sunday morning we headed to Kerry’s house and I met her two lovely pooches, Iris and Nelly who immediately took a liking to me. Then we headed out to Mississippi to go to the beach. It was a marvellous day, brilliant sunshine and it was really warm, and as soon as we were within throwing distance of the water I wanted to get in. It took a little coaxing for Kerry to actually get her whole body in to the ocean as she thought the water a little cold, and we swam around and flicked water at each other and luxuriated in the calm waters of the bay. After that we lay on towels to dry and then headed back at around four as we were going out with Kerry’s parents for dinner that evening. Her family are lovely people, her brother is very sweet and her parents really interesting and good conversation. We went to a seafood restaurant and I had, yes you guessed it, fried shrimp, my favourite, and when dinner was over Kerry and I headed to Bourbon street which is where most of New Orleans night life is situated. We went to a gay bar which proved interesting, being more male oriented than female, and then I sampled a hurricane drink which was delicious.
On Monday we rose a little later than usual and then headed out to Oak Ally, a sugarcane plantation about forty five minutes drive away. We were given a guided tour of the beautiful old house with some history on the plantation, and on the way home we stopped to get a McDonalds ice-cream Sunday. I’m making a point of telling you this because they stopped selling them in the UK about ten years ago and I used to be crazy about the caramel ones. So when I discovered through Kerry that they still sold them in the US, well of course I had to have one. It was divine! In the evening we headed to a lovely Italian restaurant and then stopped at the store where Kerry bought me a huge fluffy pink Easter bunny, so cute!
So yesterday morning we were up and making sure that everything was packed and arrived at the airport by ten thirty. Kerry was given a special pass to let her through to the gate which was nice and she stayed with me until it was time to get on the plane. We did have a serious moment when she asked me if there was any hope of us having a relationship when she moved to the UK, and I did feel a little awkward because we’ve always been clear about the fun we’ve had being casual. I explained as nicely as I could that I’m really not looking for anything right now and that I just wanted her friendship, and she seemed ok with that, more worried that she’d asked the wrong question than anything, so I hope I’ve not disappointed her or hurt her feelings in any way.
So yes, in total I travelled for more than 24 hours spanning yesterday and today. First I took a flight to Dallas which lasted an hour and a half, then I had a three hour wait to get my connection, then took a nine hour flight to London, which is six hours ahead of New Orleans time. So by the time we touched down at Gatwick it was 8 in the morning and I felt shattered. It took until around nine to get through customs and baggage reclaim, and I was so pleased to see DL still there waiting for me. My phone hadn’t been working properly and I was afraid she’d panic and wonder where I was because it took so long to get through the airport. But she was there and we headed to her car for the drive through London to the train station. I don’t know why but when we were in the car I felt so emotional, it’d been so long since we’d seen each other, and to be honest I’d been feeling a little empty inside lately. But when I saw her there in the airport it was like some one had pulled the plug on all my feelings, and I sat there in the car with my heart full and aching, feeling like some one had punched me in the stomach, and I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I felt so embarrassed and when she asked what was wrong I just said that I was tired and not to worry and she didn’t push it any further. On the way to the station we stopped for some breakfast and spent time chatting, and then I dozed most of the rest of the way there. She kept making me jump by resting her hand on my leg when I was half asleep and I felt bad for being sleepy when it had been two months since we’d seen each other. At the train station we arrived to discover I’d just missed a train home and had to wait an hour for the next one, so we sat in a café and drank strong coffee. By now I was feeling like death warmed up and was longing to lie down somewhere, anywhere to sleep. DL said that she wanted to come home with me and we laughed and I told her she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes with her. We did lots of flirting and she made lots of sexual innuendos, little minx, and we’re meeting up for dinner next week when I’m back in London. When the train was ready to leave we had the biggest hug and she reluctantly pulled away, saying that she didn’t want me to leave. I felt sad too, and am starting to realise how fucked up this situation is. I don’t seem to feel anything anymore unless I’m with her, and when she’s there it’s like I come alive. I keep thinking about the reasons why we separated and know they were valid and genuine, but part of me can’t help wondering what if we gave it another go? Maybe we’d learn from our mistakes and not make them again twice. God it’s so messed up, and I’m well aware that we both need time and space and at least another few months needs to pass before we can even think about reconsidering the relationship stuff. I just don’t know what to do. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I feel safe with her? Yes. Does she make me happy? Hmm, at the moment when we see each other, yes, but not so much when things got bad between us. Do I think it could work again? I really don’t know. The chemistry and electricity is still there between us, I feel like I’m home when she’s close to me, but it was such an incredibly hard decision to make leaving her and it was so painful that I know I need to be 200 per cent sure that I’m doing the right thing if I were to go back to her. And right now I’m not, so I guess that’s that for the time being…
So here I am, in bed wide awake, totally jet lagged, not being able to sleep when I actually have the chance too, a million thoughts running through my head. I finally got home at around six this evening after a two and a half hour train journey, and called the people who were looking after Una straight away so that they could bring her home. I missed my baby girl so much and she went crazy when she saw me, I don’t know who was more pleased, me or the dog. So we’ve spent most of the evening on the sofa together while I’ve caught up on the l-word and tried not to think about everything I have to do within the next few weeks. For a start I have to work my arse off studying, I have three assignments to write, three presentations to prepare, plus a pile of books to read and it’s all due in very, very soon. I’m also in London next week as I mentioned earlier doing some work experience with a grants company which will be interesting but I’ll be very busy I think. On Friday of this week mum is coming over for the day to bring the rest of my things that she took home in her suitcase, and then in the evening Casual Lover is coming over and staying the night. Apparently she’s missed “my good loving” while I’ve been away so I get the feeling I’ll need my energy. Why then do I get the feeling I’ll be awake half the night and asleep most of tomorrow? Damn the time difference between the UK and US, it’s thrown me completely. Anyone want to sing me a lullaby? Lol.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Off on my travels
I’ve spent all day running around like a mad head, trying to pack and get ready to go to the US. I swore I wouldn’t over pack, and yet my suitcase is full. I get the feeling I’ll have to buy another suitcase out there to bring shopping back with me. Casual Lover has been texting me all week wanting to meet up before I go, and so I found an hour this afternoon to go see her. We had great sex as ever, and she did make me smile when after I took my clothes off, she paused, and when I asked what was wrong, she commented, “I’d just forgotten how gorgeous you are.” She’s had a new tattoo on her right hip though so I did have to be careful when fucking her, not wanting to catch it.
Mother arrived this afternoon and is even more excited than I am if that’s possible. She’s getting ready for bed now, wonder if she’ll actually get to sleep or if she’ll keep me awake talking instead. I can’t believe it’s actually happening. I’ve always wanted to go to New York, and heading on to New Orleans to see Kerry is an extra added bonus, I can’t wait to be there. Oh and when checking my flight tickets this afternoon I realised I'm actually getting back to Gatwick not Heathrow, woops! Slight fuck up on my part. Thankfully DL wants to see me when I get back, so she's coming with the car to meet me. Ok, think that’s all I have time for, I need to get some sleep. I’m taking my lap top so will do my best to get online and post while I’m there. See you all soon!
PS: I just had an email from the woman I worked for in Albania three years ago. We’ve always kept in touch and she’s wanted me to go back ever since. However, she’s a strict Christian and the last time we spoke I came out to her, and she didn’t take it too well. So a few weeks ago I emailed to see how she was because she’s getting married soon, and I just got a two line response back from her, which was cold if anything. Oh well, you winn some you lose some, she’s probably praying for my soul to be reclaimed from the devil or whatever. It did upset me though all the same. Bloody homophobes! Anyway, big apple here we come! Woo!
Mother arrived this afternoon and is even more excited than I am if that’s possible. She’s getting ready for bed now, wonder if she’ll actually get to sleep or if she’ll keep me awake talking instead. I can’t believe it’s actually happening. I’ve always wanted to go to New York, and heading on to New Orleans to see Kerry is an extra added bonus, I can’t wait to be there. Oh and when checking my flight tickets this afternoon I realised I'm actually getting back to Gatwick not Heathrow, woops! Slight fuck up on my part. Thankfully DL wants to see me when I get back, so she's coming with the car to meet me. Ok, think that’s all I have time for, I need to get some sleep. I’m taking my lap top so will do my best to get online and post while I’m there. See you all soon!
PS: I just had an email from the woman I worked for in Albania three years ago. We’ve always kept in touch and she’s wanted me to go back ever since. However, she’s a strict Christian and the last time we spoke I came out to her, and she didn’t take it too well. So a few weeks ago I emailed to see how she was because she’s getting married soon, and I just got a two line response back from her, which was cold if anything. Oh well, you winn some you lose some, she’s probably praying for my soul to be reclaimed from the devil or whatever. It did upset me though all the same. Bloody homophobes! Anyway, big apple here we come! Woo!
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