Sex Party

Women trickle in one by one at first, introduce themselves, start chatting, get a drink. Then more women arrive, thicker and faster now as the time to start playing games is almost here. Women take up their positions, the games begin. Women start kissing, sharing fantasies, taking off clothing. They eventualy move through to the various other rooms and after some time you follow.

Women on beds, women on floors, their bodies intertwined, kissing, touching, licking, sucking, fucking, moaning, panting, sliding, rubbing, bighting, spanking. And you, you are in the middle of it all, both nipples in other peoples mouths, two pairs of hands exploring your body, each of your hands and your mouth on some one else's body. You are being fucked, and getting fucked, sometimes you know who by, other times not.

Every once in a while you stroll through to the kitchen, naked, to get refreshments, and to go to the bathroom and freshen up. That's when you are acosted by a beautiful mediterranean woman who appears to be alone and not involved in the play. She touches your face, your skin, your breasts, lets her hands slide down your body telling you how beautiful you are, how soft your skin is and how she is finding it difficult to converse with the other women because her English is not good. So you start conversing in her language, not yours, and when you struggle to find the words you kiss, tongues find each other, bodies press close. She is still fully dressed, you are not. She pushes you against the counter, grinding, thrusting her hips. You fumble to put down your drink, take her hands and guide her through to a bedroom. There is no space on the bed, so you lie on the floor and start fucking her. She is open, wet, willing, curvatious and supple. Your fingers glide with ease, she thrusts harder, you fuck faster. Then you are on your back and she is between your legs, her head buried. There are women in the doorway watching you and also the people on the bed. Some one comes up behind your mediterranean lover and spanks her arse. She moans and you shudder with pleasure. Later you are in the other bedroom up against the wall, she is fucking you hard and you are holding on to her, moaning, arching your back and lifting your hips. After a while you slide a hand between her legs and you are rocking, fucking, inside each other simultaniously. Then suddenly she lets herself go and gushes everywhere, hot, wet, sticky ejaculation. It takes you both by surprise and the women watching murmer in appreciation. Then you are on a bed with her, still inside each other while two women who are lying next to you do the same.

At a later point you lie on the floor of a room, watching three women on a bed. One is fucking the other two with a dildo on each thigh. It's hot, very hot. There is a woman on the floor next to you also watching, and you can feel the heat of her excitement. You lie back and place a hand between your own legs, letting her watch this too.

Later still there is a group of you lying in bed, so close together you are skin to skin. You talk and laugh and try to sleep although it is somewhat impossible. But it is nice to feel the warmth of a body next to you, some one's arm around your waste as you lie with your back to them in a drowsy state of bliss, your mind reeling at the things you have just experienced.

Those are just some of the highlights of last night...
What an incredible set of memories!

Paris

I'm going to Paris! My friend Simon, the one who moved there a few weeks ago just called and he wants me to go and stay for a few days. He's a male nanny out there which I think is hilarious! So I'm going to take the euro star in a couple of weekends time and go spend a few days. I haven't been to Paris since I was a child, and I'm so excited. It'll be a wonderful opurtunity to revamp my french, plus it's an amazing city in its own right. Simon has a room right in the centre which is apparently very tiny, and on a famous bulivard, the name of which escapes me now. So I have to find out how much the tickets will be, find some one to look after Una for me, and then I'm off!
Aaaah! i'm going to Paris I'm going to Paris I'm going to Paris!!!

oh my god it's tomorrow!

I've hand washed my sexy black dress...
I've decided on shoes...
I've been out and purchased 2 bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka to help overcome my nerves... (think that's a bit excessive?)
Tomorrow I will pluck, preen, expholiate and moisturise to make sure my skin looks and feels gorgeous...
All i have to do now is decide on jewelery for the event. The dress is black as I said and I'll wear gold eye shadow and lip gloss, so silver jewelery doesn't really cut it, and I don't have much gold. Hmm... Maybe my pink stones? Or clear cristal?
I spoke to some one online yesterday who has been before and is going again. She too was very nervous but assured me that everyone is very friendly and you won't be on your own for long. *grin*
All I have to do now is get there looking fuckable...

In other news, I've had two successive dinner dates cancelled in a row. Yesterday my friend DT and her boyfriend had to cancel because she was working late, and today I was supposed to go to an ex coleagues house for dinner, but he texted this morning saying he'd completely forgotten and could we rearrange. Lol!
*sniffs own arm pits to see if they are omiting an unpleasant odour of some sort).

So tonight, it's me, Una and dinner for one in front of the tv as no one seems to be going out.
Tomorrow night however hopefully it'll be dinner for many, and it'll be me they're feasting on!
haha!

Not so commic weirdos

Yesterday was my day for attracting the more strange members of our society. I got on the bus to come home, which is thankfully only about a five minute journey, and straight away this guy started saying, “How are ya then? How are ya?” very loudly. I smiled and said “fine thank you,” and he jumped up and gave me his seat which was very nice of him. He then sat behind me and every minute or so tapped my shoulder and said, “how are ya then, how are ya?” Then he bent down to the dog and started talking to her, saying things like, “’Av a fackin’ drink then, that’s what I say, ‘av a fackin’ drink!” I sat there silently praying he would quietly go away, and when it was my stop I willed him to stay on the bus which he thankfully did.

Last night I went to a comedy night at a very well known gay pub in London. The group of girls I meet during the week went last Wednesday but because I was up north I couldn’t go. They’d said how funny the comedians were, but honestly I haven’t laughed so much in a long time. Last night they were all women, two gay and one straight I think. The compare, I can’t remember her name, Zoe something was great, I could have watched her all night. The first act wasn’t all that great but I think it was because she was nervous and therefore her delivery suffered. She was very aggressive and it was almost like you could see her willing you to laugh at what she was saying which had the opposite effect. She got a mixed reaction from the audience. But the headline act, Kitty Flannigan (think that’s how you spell it) was absolutely fucking hilarious!!! She had me bent double in my seat, crying with laughter from the minute she walked on stage. By the end of the night my throat was hoarse from so much belly laughing and I’m sure my mascara was streaked with the tears. An absolutely fantastic night, I’m going again next week. Also my crush was there and it seemed like she made quite an effort to talk to me. I felt a bit awkward at first but then told myself not to be ridiculous and it was fine after that.

So then, on the way home, weirdo number two came along. I’ve been feeling a little anxious about coming home late at night, especially as it’s starting to get dark earlier now. But my area is a nice one and I walk along a main road so have been feeling reasonably ok with it. Last night I didn’t get to the tube station until midnight though so there was hardly anybody around. I started walking down the road, and this guy just came out of nowhere at the side of me and started saying, “here doggy doggy,” to Una, but not in a nice way, in a horrible kind of menacing way. You know when you can just tell, there are some people who are weird, sort of ok can deal with you kind of weird, and then there are those who are weird like nasty dangerous very unnerving kind of weird. Well he was one of them. He repeatedly called the dog, so I speeded her up and began to walk very quickly, baring in mind I was in heels. A bit further down the road I passed a couple of people and felt better, but then when they had gone I heard the weird guy shout something from a little way behind me. That’s when my fast walk turned in to a fast jog, and I fumbled in my bag for my phone and called F and told her to talk to me because there was a strange man following me. Thankfully I got home without incident, but it really shook me and I need to rethink how I’m going to get home now that winter is drawing in. It wasn’t at all a nice feeling and I know the next time I have to make that journey I’ll be super edgy. Ended up staying up until two talking to F on the phone, having one of our wonderful debates, this time about left or right wing politics, black culture in the UK, and prejudice among other things. I love talking to her, and things got so tense, in a good way, that we both ended up feeling rather horny and digressing to talking about fucking each other. She doesn’t have classes tomorrow an she’s threatened to come and give me a warm up session in preparation for Saturday night, not sure if she will though, haha.

Guess I’d better get back to the job hunting, joy oh joy!

Officially Unemployed, for now!

Well this is the first day I haven't really had anything to take my mind off the fact that I am A not in work, and B have to start watching my money again. Damn! I got up this morning and applied for another job before I even had breakfast, and have been doing other stuff that needs sorting out, as well as finishing off my book. I'm bored. Yep, already, I'm bored. I'm going to apply for as many jobs as possible because if I'm not back doing some kind of work soon I'll start going crazy. My brain does not do well when it's idle.

What has been keeping me busy though...
Listening to three new albums I got yesterday. Jill Scott The Real Thing, Jennifer Lopez Brave and Lil Mo Pain and Paper. They're all good, but Jill Scott is the bomb as usual. I'm so excited about going to see her in December, even more so after listening to the new album. I particularly enjoyed the track called Celibacy Blues because it's totally my situation at the moment hahha.
Although saying that F called me last night and we ended up having extremely freaky totally amazing phone sex, although I didn't think it was going to happen at one point because every toy I tried to use kept dying on me which is not good. Finally got it sorted though and gave the neighbours something to listen too lol. She's so fucking nasty and I love it. She wants to come see me again soon and I'm definitely willing to accomodate. The only problem is is she's stone and last time she gave but wouldn't receive, and I really enjoy fucking as well as getting fucked, so I'll have to do some gentle persuading and see where it gets me. God I really have to think about something else other than sex! It's being at home all day that does it. Yeah right, who am I kidding, I think about it no matter where I am, especially if it's in a place where I really shouldn't be. I had a conversation with a friend over dinner one night last week and we were talking about our sex drives. She amazed me because she said that she can go months without even really thinking about sex let alone having it, and it's usually her girlfriend who instigates it and she herself isn't really that bothered. I was like, "damn I can't even go a week without masturbating, I start getting tense and irritable if I don't come." She laughed and said I should go and see a doctor, which is ironic as that's what she's training to become. We concluded that we are at opposite ends of the libidinal spectrum, but I do often wonder if other women think about it as much as I do. I have certainly met some who do, but still I wonder if my brain is more like a man's in that sense. I guess I'm just freaky and I make no appologies for that. Only six days to go until Saturday and the party.

In other news, today marks the anniversary of when DL and I got together three years ago, and in a couple of weeks it'll be the anniversary of our separation too. I wanted to email her today to acknowledge that I remembered and I was thinking about her and hoping she is doing ok, but I haven't because I think it would do more harm than good. It's difficult because by not hearing from me I know she'll be thinking I just don't give a fuck about her when that really isn't true, but I think the best course of action, for her more than anyone is to put some distance between us. We're supposed to be going to the York Lesbian Arts Festival in a few weeks, and I'm going to have to email her and gently tell her I'm not going. It would mean us spending the weekend together and staying overnight and that would be a recipe for disaster. I do hope she's ok though and I think today should be about remembering the good times rather than the bad. How happy I was when I met her, how quickly we fell in love, how I seduced her with my charms, heehee, how I told her my feelings and asked her out and how she accepted. Those blissful first few weeks, our first kiss, walking back from a bar one night holding hands feeling dizzy with love and happiness because we'd just told her friends that we were together. The first time she told me she loved me, lying on her single bed in our shared house. How we later made love for the first time on the same bed, one of the most perfect moments of my life. And everything that followed, the dates, the holidays, the restaurants, the fun we had, the plans we made, moving in to our own home together, the gifts, the sex. I remember it all, and even though towards the end it was shit and it was the most difficult break up of my life, I'll never forget her for the happiness she gave me.I loved her then, and I love her now, very much so, just in a different way, and whatever happens, whether we end up being friends, or if we go through life without each other, I'll never forget. I'm mentally sending her the tightest hugs in the world and all the love and strength I can muster, in the hope that she too will remember the happier times we shared, and find it within herself to pick herself up and move on, and find happiness elsewhere. She deserves it.

My week up north and my week ahead

My week up north was lovely. I had time to relax, I got my hair newly cut and styled, went for a massage and had my eyebrows waxed. I bought some new clothes, went for dinner with friends, stayed with Kim for a couple of days and in the process of all that managed to send off a couple of job applications. I returned to London on Friday afternoon and only had a couple of hours to get ready to go out to meet H and S for S's 30th birthday drinks. I stayed over at their place that night as it was a long way to get back, and came home on Saturday morning. Had breakfast, a much needed orgasm and showered before again going out. This time I was going to meet some women from GB for dinner, most of whom I'd never met before. I waited outside Covent Garden station for 45 minutes not spotting anyone and convinced I'd got the time wrong or something. I was just about to leave and go home when one of the women called my mobile and we found each other. We went for dinner and drinks and I had a lovely time. I had the dog with me so didn't go clubbing but to be honest I was shattered from all the traveling I'd been doing and came home and slept like a log. Today I've not been doing much, just reading lots, watching some TV and later on Baby G is coming over to spend some time before she goes to New York later this week.

While I was at H and S's we watched a replay of Diary of a Call Girl, a docu-soap that's been on the tv, about the escapades of a call girl. In this episode she was being paid to attend an adult sex party with a client, and watching it made me really really nervous about the upcoming party on Saturday. I know it's only tv but it made me start to think about everything, and now I'm worrying about what to wear, whether I'll be confident enough to approach people or if I'll just go in to my shell because I'm so nervous. I worry that no one will find me attractive and I won't get any action, and about how I'll feel being semi nude or even naked in front of lots of other women who's bodies I'm sure will be much better than mine. I've been really good this week with food but don't seem to have lost any weight, I don't know what underwear to put on, whether to go with the smooth shaved look or whether having some hair is more preferable, god there's so much to consider! All of this is mingling with the excitement I feel about going. H and S are dog sitting for me which is great, and they're almost as excited as I am. As the time is getting closer the more I'm starting to feel aprehensive, although obviously it's a huge turn on that I'm actually doing it. The common comment among the friends that I've told seems to be "gosh I wish I had the balls to do something like that," and it's such a huge fantasy for me that it almost feels unreal that I'm actually going to go and take part in something like that. I just hope it works out in my favour!

Right now though the most exciting thing I'm doing today is reading Snowflower and the Secret Fan, which is actually great. Another book I would strongly recommend, one I've just finished, is A thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hoseini. Any recommendations from my readers?

Toyless

On Saturday when I was packing my stuff to go up north, I was in quite a lot of discomfort owing to my period. So it didn't occur to me to even think about packing a toy or too to get me through the week.
Now my period has virtually finished, and the pain is being increasingly replaced with the horn!
I realised with horror yesterday that I don't have anything with me to get me off, and to be honest I find it increasingly difficult to come without added stimulation these days.

*Counts days until time to go home*
*Looks incredibly worried*
*Heads to kitchen to find suitable looking fruit/vegetable*

Damn...!!!

Home comforts

I’m sitting in the living room at my mother’s house. The TV is on, Una is curled up in front of the fire and mum’s cooking chicken stir fry in the kitchen which smells great. It’s been a rather emotional week all in all, what with worrying about DL and finishing my job. I don’t usually decide to come back and see the family in a great hurry, but all I could think about this morning was my mum’s nice warm house, some home cooking having the chance to offload some of my worries on to her and having her make me feel better. Ever since our trip to New York I’ve felt a lot closer to my mum, touch wood we haven’t fought so much and I’ve found myself calling her when I have a problem or just to laugh about some girl that’s pissed me off or some guy that’s messed her around. I’m feeling a bit flat at the moment to tell the truth, I no longer have a job although I’m applying for work obviously as I don’t want to be out of work if I can help it, and my love life isn’t exactly sizzling either. I did ask my crush if she wanted to have dinner, and she tactfully declined, so another one bites the dust disappointingly. I do know that I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people around me though, I’ve made some lovely friends through work and will definitely keep in touch with them.

On Thursday night I had my leaving drinks and everyone came and we all had a great time. They were all taking the piss because the single gay woman at work, the one who came on to me at the wedding did it again much to everybody’s amusement, and the drinks were lined up in front of me after which I wobbled home to bed, alone! Yesterday I went in to work and in the afternoon everyone crowded round my desk and I was given a beautiful bunch of flowers, some chocolates and a leaving card. Everyone hugged me and said how much Una and I would be missed, and I found myself starting to tear up and by the end of the day had a headache from saying goodbye to various different members of the team and trying to keep my tears under control. Last night Caroline and I went to H and her wife S’s for dinner. S cooked a lovely meal and after that we had pina coladas and squashed frogs, discussed who we’d shag in the office, bitched about some one none of us can stand at work, talked about how H and S met and their wedding, watched the wedding video, discussed the state of mine and Caroline’s love lives and I was finally driven home just after midnight to fall in to bed.

Interruption, the dog has just puked all over my mother’s rug, this is the second time today she’s been sick, she must have a stomach bug. Will have to take her to the vets on Monday.

So here I am up north, and it’s bloody freezing! When I boarded the train in London I was sweltering in my coat, so I took it off. As we got further north it got colder and colder and by the time I got here I had my coat back on and was shivering. So I’m going to spend the next few days catching up with family, and trying to put my step sister in her place as she’s apparently been being naughty in school. Then it’s off to Sheffield to see friends if some one will give me a bed. Just finished this post in time for dinner, or tea as we say up north!

Plucking up the courage

Last night I went to my usual Tuesday meeting. I was standing outside the tube waiting for the girl i was supposed to be meeting and it got to about fifteen minutes after the time we were supposed to hook up. I'd tried to call her and kept getting diverted so figured she was still underground. Just as I was starting to get concerned she came out of the station, kissed my cheek and appologised for being late. Right behind her was my crush. I totally didn't expect that and was pleasantly surprised, although I found myself being slightly annoyed that they had turned up together which is totaly rediculous because the other girl is in a relationship. Anyway we walked to the bar and en route stopped at Coffee Cake and Kink. I'd never been in there and I didn't realise it was a cafe combined with a sex shop until we stopped outside and I asked what the Kink was. "I'll show you," said the girl who isn't my crush and in we went. So there I was looking at whips and sex toys, different dildos and butt plugs with my crush standing right there. Hint, never go in to a sex shop with some one you fancy, it's very awkward and it makes you feel very uncomfortable, especially as I kept visualising using the dildos, whips etc on her, imagining her expression as I fucked her. So on we went to the bar and ordered food, my stomach lurching when our hands touched when we exchanged money. I sound so silly, but she is unbelievably attractive, you know when you just feel like some one is too beautiful? They stand out a mile in a room and they don't even realise it? Well she's like that. Last night she seemed more chatty than usual, kept asking me questions and saying how much she enjoyed the party. I can't tell if she even likes me in that way, I'm not sure whether I'm reading too much in to things which I probably am. But when on the way out she took my hand to guide me through some tables, I nearly fainted. She has the softest skin in the world and I didn't want her to let go. We walked arm in arm all the way back to the tube and on departing she kissed me on both cheeks, her hair brushing against my face. I want to pluck up the courage to ask her on a date, but I'm not sure I have the nerve. I just feel like she's way out of my league, plus we see each other socially and if she turned me down I would feel incredibly embarrassed every time I saw her. I met up with the other girl today for lunch, I'll have to give her a name, and kind of told her about my crush and she said that she would do some subtle digging for me to find out if she's interested, but I'm not the most patient of people. I'm resisting the urge to text her and ask how her day is going. So what to do... Should I go for it? Or just leave it for a while and see if she makes a move? Advice please!

Guilt

A year on and she's still not over me. Not only is she not over me, but she's as distraught now as she was when we broke up. She demands my time and energy, she guilt trips me if we can't spend time together and wants me to account for every minute that I'm not with her, she throws herself at me and then cries when I tell her "no". She manipulates situations, she speaks to me in a way I wouldn't allow anyone else too. She's imploring, desperate, angry, pathetic, terrifyingly on the edge. She begs, pleads, craves to be loved in a way that I can no longer love her. She spends most of the time reminiscing over what we had, appologising futilely for things neither of us can change, wishing she was some one else so that I would fall in love with her again. If she knows I'm with other women which I try and keep separate from our friendship, she gets crazily jealous and angry, verbally degrades them and me sometimes, and then once again returns to begging, pleading, wishing. Today we had a conversation... "This has got to stop," I said. "I want to put some distance between us," I said. "Enough is enough, we're never going to get back together. I'll never fall back in love with you. It's over, done, finished. You need to move on, be happy, find other things, some one else," I said.
"There'll never be anyone else," she said. "I can't live a life without you in it," she said. "What's the point in anything if I can't share it with you," she said. "I love you, I'm sorry, I love you," she said.
"You're obsessed with me," I said,. "It's unnatural, unhealthy, it scares me," I said.
"I want to die," she said. "I want to die."

The last time I tried to back away from her she tried to kill herself. I am terrified that she'll do the same this time. I feel guilty, angry, responsible, frustrated. I want to shake her and tell her that everyone gets broken hearted at some point, that we all pick ourselves up and move on, rebuild our lives, get on with it. She won't listen, to me nor anyone else. She's trapped in this spiralling world of desperate attempts to get me back, trying to change herself for the benifit of wooing me again. It won't happen. I don't love her anymore, not as one loves a partner. I care for her deeply as a friend and always will. We shared a life together, made plans together, she gave me some of the best and worsed times of my life. But for how long can she put me through this. How long do I have to feel guilty for, to be made to feel responsible for the way she's feeling. Because I do, and I hate it, all of it. It's like she's telling me, either take me back, or I'll end it all. What a choice. How do I live with that? How?