My Other Addiction

My other addiction aside from sex as you probably know by now is books. I've just joined an audiobook site which I will link on here in the places I like section and it's given me access to a massive quantity of books I have been wanting to read for years. So, consequently in my excitement I have started to read several at once but can't settle on one in particular, rather like a kid who is taken to a sweet shop full of their favourite sweets and told it can eat whatever it wants. So I need to disciplin myself and prioritise my reading material. At the top of my list are authors Toni Morrison, Maya Angelou, Alice Walker, Jeanette Winterson and some of Val McDermid's books that I've not read yet. Each Author has written quite extensively, so as you can imagine, even if I choose one author to start with, what book do I choose? God! People who may be reading for the first time or aren't in the know about audio books might be wondering what all the fuss is about. But for a lover of literature such as myself, not being able to walk in to a bookshop and pick up a paper back novel, buy it and read it because of my lack of vission is incredibly frustrating. Although the audio book market is getting much better these days it is still not perfect and it is very rare that the audio version of a book is released at the same time as the print version, and when it is released it is often abridged, and if it is released in its full version it's usually much more expensive than the print format. Through studying literature at university, joining certain underground sites on the internet and through recently joining audible.co.uk the variety of books I have been able to read has gradually grown, but when I joined the RNIB's book stream book club last week, it exploded! The downside of this site is that you have to stream the books, so you can't download them, or put them on your Ipod, I guess due to copyright laws as you pay an anual subscription rather than buying books individually. But still it is fantastic. Now though like I said I just don't know where to start.

I wanted to share this with you because it's something I'm very excited about and it doesn't relate to sex, unless that is I can find some lesbian erotica, then I'll be well away. My two passions intertwined. Listening to an erotic audio book while playing with my toys. Mmm. Speaking of which I had a really good orgasm last night, and yes I was by myself. This morning when the cable people came to again try and fix my service I had to run and hide the toy box in the wardrobe because it seems to be overflowing at the moment. Time for a new, bigger box I think. A nice christmas present would be a lovely metal box with a lock and velvet lining in which I could store my prised possessions. Can't really suggest that to family though can you? Heehee.
Ok I'm going to finish up now because yet again I've started writing about sex and I seriously didn't intend for this post to be about that. Other than books and sex, I went to the dentist this morning and apart from a small filling which left the right side of my face numb for a couple of hours my teeth are in great condition. I'm supposed to eat on the other side of my mouth for the rest of today though, which will be fun considering I'm going out to dinner tonight with friends.

The Spirit of Christmas

Firstly, I want to thank you for the comments, emails and phone calls I have received. I'm not going to get all soppy and emotional but I am very much aware of how lucky I am to be surrounded by such an amazing network of friends, and family too although hopefully my family aren't reading this. DL called me yesterday and I was silly enough to pick up the phone. She was hysterical and I ended the call very quickly and she hasn't tried to contact me since. I'm hoping in the nicest possible way that she'll go away quietly and deal with her feelings with her family for support and not behave irrationally towards me, something which I am slightly concerned about at the moment and I know others are too. But I'm doing ok, I spent today with Baby G at her house having a much needed catch up session and some relaxation time and I had a good long chat with my parents on the phone tonight and I'm actually quite looking forward to christmas now. I'm going back up north to see my family and I think I'll be spending christmas day with my mum, ex step mum (they are very good friends, don't ask, it's complicated) and my step sister which will be great. She's 12 now and I don't get to see her much because I live down here and obviously she's in school and is too young to come and visit on her own so it would be good to spend some time with her and find out about her latest crush, the bands she's in to who I've never heard of and how school is going. The last time I saw her she said to me,
"Amy and I aren't really friends anymore," Amy being her best friend.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well we hang around in different crowds at school now, and well, I'm sort of gangster and she's not."
"Gangster!" I said, "What do you mean gangster?"
"You know!" She said looking exasperated and proceeded to try and tell me what "gangster" was and I was still none the wiser by the time she'd finished. The time before that when I saw her she described herself as, "Emo." I wonder what she'll be this time round?

So anyway on the christmas note I've told myself to stop being a miserable cow and to actually start getting in to the christmas spirit. I'm going to start my shopping and new year's eve should be really great because some friends down here want to get together, Sean is definitely coming to join us and Kim might also be coming down from Sheffield so the whole lot of us getting together will be fantastic whatever we decide to do on the night.

Last night I went to see Jill Scott in concert with Baby G and Rosey and she was absolutely fantastic. We all got the impression she's having a really hard time at the moment, she mentioned her divorce and she seemed really low in spirits, plus she mentioned repeatedly that she's not getting laid at the moment, I offered to give her a helping hand on that one but I was right at the back so I don't think she heard me. I'm also absolutely loving Alicia Keys' new album. I have to say it took me a while to get in to, but I think it's her best one so far.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, my first in about four years in the morning and then in the evening the usual group of friends are going out for a meal to welcome Baby G's boyfriend, Will, back from the states where he has been for the past four months. I think it's about time I put the kettle on and climb in to my lovely bed to fall asleep listening to an audio book. Not quite sure what yet though, I've been reading Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson and Wire in the Blood by Val McDermid, two of my favourite authors, but I think I want something lighthearted tonight, so I'll go on the hunt for some trashy fiction, Jackie Collins or something like that.
Night night, and sorry for the randomness.
Oh, I should also add that all the stress of the past couple of days is making me really horny. I need to get Spanish Girl back over here to hit that spot she so expertly found on Saturday night. She wanted to meet up tomorrow but I couldn't and when I texted her saying so I didn't get a response. I get the feeling she's a woman who likes getting her own way and she doesn't like not being in control of a situation, but I've had quite enough of that for the time being so she'll either have to like it, or lump it.

Great Weekend!

This weekend has been one of the best I’ve had for a while. Friday night was obviously great, and woke up on Saturday morning feeling slightly hung over and so didn’t really do a lot except sit around drinking tea and reading the new novel by Alice Sebold, which if you were thinking of getting it is very good indeed. In the evening Baby G and I were off to see Beverly Knite live at the Royal Albert Hall with two of our friends, one of whom cancelled in the afternoon because she was feeling ill. I have been slightly concerned as you know about my lack of sex drive lately, and even on Friday night it was more about her pleasure than mine. So on Saturday afternoon I put myself to bed with my toy box and refused to move until I’d given myself an orgasm. I think it’s done the trick, seems to have kick started my libido again thank god, I was starting to worry.

So in the evening I headed out in the freezing cold to go to the show. I have to say I’ve never really been in to Beverly Knite and I only went because Baby G had extra tickets, but I’m very glad I did. She’s one of these artists who sounds so much better live than she does in the studio, and her voice was outstanding. She did a set that lasted for almost two hours straight with hardly any breaks and her vocals were incredible. I’m going to get some of her stuff from Baby G to see if I can get in to her now that I’ve been to see her. After the show we went and got chips because we were all hungry and then Baby G came to stay at mine for the night. That in itself was lovely, when we used to live together we used to spend hours just lying in bed talking and listening to music and It’s something we’ve both missed. So last night was great, although we were both tired we still managed to have a chat before falling asleep. She’s like a sister to me and I’m so proud of what she’s accomplished. She’s just arrived back from New York after going to the women’s therapy centre to undergo treatment for vaginismus, a condition that she’s battled with for the past couple of years ever since she found out she had it. At one point she really thought she’d never be cured of it and that she would never be able to have sex with her boyfriend, but since going to the clinic in New York she has been treated and has now had sex and no longer has vaginismus. I know how hard it was for her to go through what she’s been through and the treatment was painful and emotionally draining. But she has done it and she’s like a different person, like she’s really come in to her own now that she feels in control of her own body. She bought us both toys back from the States, in celebration of vaginas which work, and I used mine this evening and it’s really good!

We didn’t wake up this morning until eleven thirty and had to get up and out in time to meet five friends in town for Mr C’s girlfriend’s birthday. So today was spent in the pub, most people getting slightly drunk and me trying to resist because I have a job interview tomorrow. I got tipsy but then stopped because the last thing I need tomorrow is a hang over so switched to soft drinks, and the roast dinner and chocolate fudge cake with ice cream helped soak up the alcohol. I was very amused when Mr C told me that when the cab arrived to pick him up from my house the other day the following conversation ensued:
Cab driver: “Is that your Mrs?”
Mr C: “No she’s just a friend.”
Cab Driver, “Are you sure?”
Mr C: “Yes, she’s on the other bus.”
Cab driver: “Really? Please tell me you’ve tried though, please!”
Mr C: “Yes I’ve tried, she’s definitely gay.”
Cab Driver: “does she use our cab service much?”
Mr C: “No not really.”
Cab driver, “Shit! I was hoping I would pick her up sometime. Does she have a woman then?”
Mr C: “She’s usually got a couple on the go at once I think.”
Men! That’s all I can say…

The conversation didn’t get much better in the pub today either, my friends are very very smutty:
Baby G to our friend Rids: “What do you want for Christmas then?”
Rids: “some anal sex!”
And at another point:
Me to Rids: “Oy you talk to me. I haven’t seen you for ages how are you?”
Rids: “Well you’re too far away over there, I can’t stick my fingers in you from here.”
Mr C’s girlfriend who was sitting next to me: “I’ll do it for you.”
Followed by much laughter from everyone.
Me: “Stop talking about my vagina!”
I love my friends!

Oh, and Spanish Girl texted me yesterday asking when we could meet up. I suggested Thursday. She said, “how about tomorrow, I can’t stop thinking about last night.” I told her I couldn’t because I had plans and she didn’t seem very happy, so I suggested we meet on Tuesday instead. God there’s no pleasing some people.

I got home from the pub just after 8 and have washed and dried my suit. It’s absolutely freezing outside and I called my cousin up north to wish her a happy birthday and she told me it’s been snowing there. Jesus, winter is finally here I think. Time to get out the winter duvet! Or find some one to share my bed with and snuggle up too on cold nights.

Fragments

I have had bad dreams and disturbed sleep every night this week. I don't really remember what the dreams were about, I just don't wake up feeling refreshed. Last night though I do remember something about being covered in shattered glass, and the glass was all over the floor and there was a girl there who was crazy and who kept smashing things. I had tiny fragments in my skin and hair and kept trying to pick them out without cutting myself.
I am tired most of the time and tend to fall asleep in the afternoons if I am home.
I read The Afghan by Frederick Forsyth in a couple of days and although I really enjoyed the book, I was disappointed with the anticlimax of an ending.
I went for a job interview on Tuesday to be a recruitment consultant, but due to the long hours, pressured environment and there being a score board in the office with everyone's commission scores on it I'm not sure I want the job.
Yesterday I went to an assessment centre for a graduate scheme and think I nailed it.
My friend Mr C came over today with his guitar and he played and I sang for about two hours. We are learning
this
and this
and hope to get a set together to play live somewhere.
The last time I made myself come was on Saturday. I haven't even attempted it, or even thought about it that much since then. So for once sex isn't the primary thing on my mind. I'm not even bothered if the spanish woman and I don't have sex tomorrow, it might actually be quite refreshing if we don't, but chances are we will because she's not coming over to play scrabble.
DL bought me Leona Lewis's debut album and I really like it. She told me to listen to
track 3
and that made me sad, to know that she feels that way.
I am eating a lot more than I should be at the moment. It's probably comfort eating, but the guy I walk the dog with once a week came today and said, "are you putting on weight?" Thankfully my head was in a cupboard looking for the dog whistle so he didn't see my face, but it really pisses me off that men think it's ok to say that to women. The next time he comes over I will be tempted to say, "has your dick shrunk? Only the buldge in your pants looks a lot smaller today."
I ordered a cab yesterday only to have it come and then the driver refuse to take me because I had the guide dog. That is actually against the law, but what can you do if the driver just leaves except report his ass and hope the authorities will revoke his licence.
Francesca and I are no longer friends, and I'm not really sure why. She is a very complex person and I can't seem to see the wood for the trees as far as working out her meaning is concerned. It's a shame we're no longer in touch, but I think it's probably for the best as we view things very differently and never seem to meet in the middle.
I cried for the first time in ages the other night. Cried propperly, balling, heaving sobs in to my pillow until my eyes were sore, my nose blocked and my head hurt. The release felt good.
Despite all this, I don't feel depressed, just in transition. Where I'm going and what I'm leaving behind, I'm not entirely sure yet.

My week up north and my week ahead

My week up north was lovely. I had time to relax, I got my hair newly cut and styled, went for a massage and had my eyebrows waxed. I bought some new clothes, went for dinner with friends, stayed with Kim for a couple of days and in the process of all that managed to send off a couple of job applications. I returned to London on Friday afternoon and only had a couple of hours to get ready to go out to meet H and S for S's 30th birthday drinks. I stayed over at their place that night as it was a long way to get back, and came home on Saturday morning. Had breakfast, a much needed orgasm and showered before again going out. This time I was going to meet some women from GB for dinner, most of whom I'd never met before. I waited outside Covent Garden station for 45 minutes not spotting anyone and convinced I'd got the time wrong or something. I was just about to leave and go home when one of the women called my mobile and we found each other. We went for dinner and drinks and I had a lovely time. I had the dog with me so didn't go clubbing but to be honest I was shattered from all the traveling I'd been doing and came home and slept like a log. Today I've not been doing much, just reading lots, watching some TV and later on Baby G is coming over to spend some time before she goes to New York later this week.

While I was at H and S's we watched a replay of Diary of a Call Girl, a docu-soap that's been on the tv, about the escapades of a call girl. In this episode she was being paid to attend an adult sex party with a client, and watching it made me really really nervous about the upcoming party on Saturday. I know it's only tv but it made me start to think about everything, and now I'm worrying about what to wear, whether I'll be confident enough to approach people or if I'll just go in to my shell because I'm so nervous. I worry that no one will find me attractive and I won't get any action, and about how I'll feel being semi nude or even naked in front of lots of other women who's bodies I'm sure will be much better than mine. I've been really good this week with food but don't seem to have lost any weight, I don't know what underwear to put on, whether to go with the smooth shaved look or whether having some hair is more preferable, god there's so much to consider! All of this is mingling with the excitement I feel about going. H and S are dog sitting for me which is great, and they're almost as excited as I am. As the time is getting closer the more I'm starting to feel aprehensive, although obviously it's a huge turn on that I'm actually doing it. The common comment among the friends that I've told seems to be "gosh I wish I had the balls to do something like that," and it's such a huge fantasy for me that it almost feels unreal that I'm actually going to go and take part in something like that. I just hope it works out in my favour!

Right now though the most exciting thing I'm doing today is reading Snowflower and the Secret Fan, which is actually great. Another book I would strongly recommend, one I've just finished, is A thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hoseini. Any recommendations from my readers?

The Graduate

On Wednesday of last week I made the decision to stop thinking with my pussy and use my head for a change, and so I actually declined the offer of sex that evening by texting HBS in the morning saying that I couldn’t meet her after all. I did this because I don’t really like the situation, and it’s my fault, because I knew she was just experimenting from the beginning, but she really is very straight acting and I get the feeling that sleeping with me is kind of a game to her, and I’m not in to that. She has no idea how to treat a woman, no idea how to seduce or how to act afterwards, and the last time she came over she left me feeling rather strange and displeased. It’s not really any fault on her part, she’s just fundamentally heterosexual and that’s the way it is. This being proved by the fact that after I texted her she spent a little while texting me telling me about a guy she’d met up with the day before and how wonderful he was and how she’d loved “making out” with him. My point proven I think.

So instead of getting laid I went home to O’s house to have dinner with him and his friend A, who is rather sexy herself, and spent the evening perving, flirting, eating fantastic food and getting passively stoned from their smoking, and finished it off by having a fantastic orgasm while having phone sex with a friend. Much better I think.

Thursday was hectic, was up at six thirty, at the office by 8, on the way to Swindon by 9 where I spent the day with work, then headed straight back to London in the evening where I just made it in time to get the train with DL to Sheffield. Actually it was a bit of a nightmare because there were two trains on platforms next to each other, one going to Sheffield and the other going somewhere else, and we ended up getting on the wrong one because we were rushing and so had to get off at Leicester and wait for another one. We eventually arrived at the hotel at just after eleven in the evening and fell in to bed after grabbing a snack. Up at 8 the next day all excited and nervous about my graduation, and by ten the family had arrived and I was on my way to have my robes fitted. I have to say it was much more exciting than I thought it was going to be, it felt really good wearing the cap and gown and having everyone their to see me graduate. Photos to come, I promise, when I get the time to put them up online. The only bad part of the day was when DL got in to a strop because she wanted some photos taken by the professional photographer, and she and the family were disputing because each package cost a different price and she wanted one thing while everyone else wanted something else, and it all got a bit heated. It ended up with her causing a bit of a scene in front of everyone and my mother losing her temper with her and saying she thought DL had better leave. At this point I burst in to tears because they were both fighting with each other over some stupid photos that didn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, and DL disappeared in shame while my family tried to console me. It was a bit of a nightmare, but it all got sorted out and DL apologised and the photos got sorted, it just put a bit of a blemish on what was otherwise a perfect celebration. In the evening we met up with some friends of mine in the pub for a drink, and afterwards they went on to a club while we headed back to the hotel because I was shattered. My friend Sean won two prises, one for the best undergraduate dissertation and the other for the best mark in film, and I was really proud of him and expect to see him go on to become a professor in the next few years.

So yesterday we were up and out of the hotel and on a train back to London by the early afternoon, and last night I went to the theatre with Baby G to see an audio described performance of “Mother of a Brown Boy” performed by Chicken Shed theatre company in north London. We’d gotten free tickets because they wanted feedback on the audio description, and it was a really great performance all in all. We spent the evening with a woman we know from the Beeb and her girlfriend, and I got a little tipsy on vodka and coke and got home at around half past midnight. Today I’ve been being a total slob, haven’t even got dressed yet. I’ve been lounging around house hunting on the net, finishing off a Karin Slaughter novel and doing washing and it’s been blissful just to have some time to myself around the house. This evening I’m going to make pasta with fresh prawns in a sauce of olive oil, garlic and chilli and whatever else I can find to throw in the pot, and settle down to begin reading Snow flower and the Secret fan by Lisa Sea, which I’ve finally managed to get hold of as an audio book. Tomorrow night Baby G is coming over for dinner, Tuesday I have a singing lesson and on Wednesday it’s the discussion group, so that’s how my week’s looking so far. Oh and there’s work of course, and I forgot to mention that I’m going to apply for a full time position there at the end of my placement, so fingers crossed I get that because I’ll get a rather hefty pay rise.

* * *

Tried to post this earlier but blogger wouldn't load. The prawn pasta was yummie, and I don't know for how much longer I'll stop thinking with my pussy, because I've been uber horny today and have spent the past hour looking on various sites for women who want no strings fun. Well I can't help it, ikt's biological I tell you. I'm off for a bath and a play with the shower head.

Getting in to it

One week and counting, and I'm loving every minute! Last night I had a conflict of interest because my friend O was cooking me dinner and there was a lesbian meet at a cafe in town which I really wanted to go to, but as I'd not seen my friend for ages I decided to opt for that and go when I'm free. I stood at the tube station waiting for O and it was so surreal! It's been just over three years since we last saw each other as we lost touch for a while when I moved to Sheffield. I wondered if he'd be any different, what had changed in his life if anything and where to start when telling him about my stuff. We both sort of did a double take when he walked up to me, and then hugged for ages while Una looked on like "what the fuck? Why is he so special?" He's exactly the same and once we got talking it was like we'd never been out of touch at all. He has a gorgeous house in a nice area and while I was there I begged him to rent out his spare room to me which he uses for proffessional massage at the moment. I told him I'd pay him as much as I could and he said he'd think it over, although he's off to LA in September. We spent all afternoon in his garden sitting on the grass chatting until my hey fever started getting really bad and then we retreated to the lovely cool airiness of his lounge. In the evening he cooked pasta with tiger prawns in garlic, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, chilli, spinach and corjet which i can't spell. It was delicious, and afterwards we had strawberries and chocolate brownie ice cream, and then I curled up on the sofa wrapped in his dressing gown while he lounged on cushions on the floor. It was so lovely to see him again, he's one of very few men that I feel completely relaxed with. He's in his forties and he's gay, and he's just so lovely and kind. He couldn't get over the size of my breasts and kept saying, "they're fabalicious!" which made me giggle. He's inviting some of his lesbian friends round to dinner sometime soon so that I can meet people, he called one of them up while I was there to see if she was free for dinner, and he said, "there's a new gay girl in town and she's got fabulous breasts!" I told him to shut up, I won't be able to face her if we do meet. Anyway O and I are meeting up on Friday afternoon for coffee and cake and in the evening we're all going out for Baby G's birthday drinks and dinner I think.

Today I went in to work for an induction and was very relieved to make it all the way there without getting lost. Actually I was twenty minutes early, and the other new starter was late, and he can see! Very amusing. All my team seem lovely, and by the sounds of it I'm being given quite a big project to do as soon as I start, which although is scary will be quite exciting and challenging I think. Tonight I'm trying to sort out going to a group that meet on Wednesdays, but I'm not sure if I'll pull it off yet.

I also wanted to mention the latest book I've read. It's called The Lollypop Shoes by Joanne Harris, and is the sequel to Chocolat. If you haven't read Chocolat, read that one first and then The Lollypop Shoes, but those of you who are Harris fans won't be disappointed with this one. It's just as magical with a dark and sinister side and is narrated by three different people which also holds your interest really well. Definitely worth reading, and it's fairly light if you're after something that's not too taxing. Bye for now.

It's all over!

My God, I've actually finished uni. I don't quite know what to do with myself now, I got up this morning and felt a little lost because I didn't have to sit and work all day on essays or reading books that I don't really want to read etc etc. It is lovely to have time to myself though, and once I get used to it I don't think I'll miss it at all.

Yesterday morning I got up feeling sick at the thought of doing the worsed exam of my life in the afternoon. I had just come through to the lounge and was about to put the kettle on when the doorbell rang. Holy fucking christ almighty, it was only my mother, giving me a surprise visit on the worsed day she could have chosen. I couldn't believe it when I opened the door and there she was, my face must have been a picture of horror. Bless her, she thought I would be glad of the company, but it only served to make me even more stressed, because when I was trying to read through my notes for the last time she kept talking to me all the time. Neither of my parents have ever been in higher education and so they can't really grasp what it's like. They just remember their school days and of course it's quite different.

I don't really know how the exam went. I did struggle but everyone I spoke to afterwards said they found it difficult, so who knows. Fingers crossed I get a 2:1, that's all. After the exam was over we all met in the beer garden of a local pub and drank lots and ate good food. It was lovely to see everyone, there were about 8 of us in total, all close friends of mine who i'll miss dreadfully when I move. It's only ten days now and then I'm off, I need to buy some boxes so that I can start packing everything up now that I have the time. This afternoon my mother is coming over again so that we can go clothes shopping. I need to revamp my wardrobe, I've not been shopping in ages and so I really need some new summer clothes, and some dressy stuff to go out in too. It's all very exciting.

I want to try and include a section in my posts devoted to reading. Haven't quite worked out if I can incorperate it in to the template yet, but I'll have a look. I do lots of reading and it struck me the other day that I rarely mention books I happen to be reading. Last week to relieve the stress of revision, I read Triptych, the new novel by Karin Slaughter. If you like crime thrillers it's definitely one to buy, had me on the edge of the sofa and it's definitely not one to read after dark. Very, very good indeed. I've just started Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, which is the second novel by the author who wrote the aclaimed Purple Hibiscus, which I read late last year. This one is set in 1960's Nigeria, and is about the civil war that took place there. It's told from three different viewpoints both before and during the war. It is superbly written with some disturbing scenes, a definite recommendation of mine.

This will hopefully be the start of my comments on various books, and if you've read anything that you feel passionate about and you think people aught to read, please share it in the comments section.

Now I'm off to go and dry my hair, and then hopefully spend lots of money I don't have on some nice new clothes.